The Heart of a Girl (2) (10 page)

             
“Lainey –” Mason began to say something else, but the door to Bella Vista opened and Hannah emerged, my father following close behind.

             
“You’d better get her to the airport before she changes her mind again,” he warned. Mason and I exchanged looks and I got the impression this conversation wasn’t quite over yet.

Chapter 14

             
“So Hannah’s gone for an entire weekend. I’m not sure if I should be sad or happy,” Adam remarked later that night, flashing me a grin before plopping down on the couch next to me. It was just after ten and I was barely able to keep my eyes open. Instead of getting better at sleeping through the night, Harper seemed to be getting worse. The only thing keeping me from going to bed was knowing she was due for another wake-up in the next half hour.

             
“Why would you be either?” I asked. “You’re barely around each other.”

             
“You sound cranky,” he commented.

             
“I am. I’m so tired.”

             
“Go to bed.”

             
“Harper’s been asleep for two hours. She’s going to wake up soon, so there’s no point.”

             
“I can get her.”

             
I shook my head. “It won’t matter. She’ll just cry until I get to her. She does the same with Mason whenever he tries to comfort her after she wakes up crying.”

             
“Well in case you forgot, I’m not Mason. I’m her father.”

             
“She doesn’t know that,” I replied and immediately realized it was the wrong thing to say. I could feel Adam tense up, and we weren’t even touching.

             
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

             
I sighed. “Nothing, Adam. I just meant that she’s three months old. She doesn’t know the difference between a father and an uncle.”

             
“I’m sure that’s what you meant,” he said sarcastically. We fell into an uncomfortable silence and I felt myself dreading the rest of the night.

             
I didn’t know why Adam was home. It seemed that for the past month, he hadn’t been going out on the weekends as much unless Brad was throwing some party or another. But apparently Brad had met a girl and according to Adam she might be “the one.”

             
I’d believe that when I saw it.

             
“I know you think I’m a shitty dad and all but I’m trying, Lainey. This is all new to me and I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this,” he said finally.

             
“I don’t think you’re a shitty dad at all, Adam. I know you do your best and you do a lot for us. I just…” I let my words cut off, not really sure what I wanted to say next.

             
“You just what?” He prompted me.

             
“Nothing,” I said.

             
“No, it wasn’t nothing. You just what, Lainey?”

             
“I just want us to be happy again.”

             
“We are happy,” he said, but looking at his face you could never tell.

             
It hit me then that we really weren’t. We hadn’t been happy in a long time, since sometime after Harper was born. I loved him more than I ever had, but it was a different love than before. A desperate love. A love that said “don’t leave me because I don’t think I can live without you.”

             
“We’re different,” I said to him instead, because that was the safest way of saying how I felt.

             
“Of course we’re different. We have a kid together now. We can’t be the careless kids we were before.”

             
“Or ever again.”

             
“Yeah.” He looked away from me and I saw a longing in his eyes that made my chest hurt. I wondered if Adam missed being carefree. Mason would argue that he didn’t because he still was but I didn’t agree with that. Adam went out more than maybe he should and wasn’t around helping me with Harper as much as I wanted, but at least he was still here. Statistics would assume otherwise. I wasn’t going to let myself forget that.

             
I fiddled with my engagement ring and for a split second considered asking him if he still wanted to get married. Fortunately I caught the words before they could escape my lips. That was dangerous territory. What if he said no? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle that, regardless of my own mixed feelings on the topic.

             
“Scott has a new girlfriend,” I told him instead. I had no idea where that came from, but it seemed appropriate to tell him. He looked at me, surprised.

             
“Yeah?”

             
“Yeah, her name’s Emily. I remember her from school. She’s a little snobby and she used to stare at me all the time when I was pregnant.”

             
“At least that means he won’t be chasing after you anymore,” Adam commented.

             
I rolled my eyes. “He wouldn’t be chasing me anyway. I have a baby now.”

             
“He didn’t seem to mind when you were pregnant.”

             
I rested my head on his shoulder, regretting bringing this up. Adam still held onto that old jealously and it didn’t make sense. I could understand him not wanting someone else to harbor feelings for his pregnant girlfriend, but it wasn’t like either of us ever acted on it.

             
Adam tilted my chin up with his forefinger the way he used to and kissed me. It was a magical kiss like the ones when we first met and I felt myself begin to melt. Maybe this was all we needed to get back on track, kisses like we shared more than a year ago. Before our lives were turned upside down by an unplanned pregnancy and all the consequences that followed.

             
“I don’t think she’s planning on crying yet,” he said, pulling away slightly. “I might have time to whisk you away real fast.”

             
I laughed. “Is that so?”

             
He grinned at me and for a split second I saw the old Adam in his smile. The boy on the beach smiling at me that way for the first time and kissing me for the first time; stealing my heart with his wide smile and leather jacket. I wanted that boy back more than I think I’ve ever wanted anything.

             
“Yeah, or we can just skip thee whisking away part,” he murmured, moving his lips to my neck. “This is our own house you know, and unless Hannah hijacked the plane and came back…”

             
I pulled away so that our faces were level again and kissed him as passionately as I could. I didn’t need to give him any other answer.

             
I pulled his shirt off and he was halfway through pulling off mine when his phone rang. He paused, tensing up, and waited until it stopped. Our kissing resumed and the phone rang again. Groaning, he pulled away from me and checked it.

             
I sat up straighter on the couch, pulling my shirt down and waiting for him to hit ignore or put the phone away or do something to save this moment before it was gone forever. I didn’t want to lose it. It had been so long until we were like this with each other, so long since our passion felt natural and real. So long since I didn’t have to try and force myself to feel things that were reluctant to come on their own.

             
But a look of surprise crossed Adam’s face and he shot me an apologetic look before heading to the front door and walking out. He waited to answer the phone until he was outside.

             
I was tempted to follow him, but Harper made the decision for me. Like clockwork, she began to cry and I hurried down the hallway to get her.

             
She was throwing her arms in the air the best she could, her little face all red and scrunched up. As tiny as she was, sometimes I thought she had the lungs of an adult.

             
“Shh, it’s okay,” I whispered to her, lifting her from her crib and holding her to my chest, rocking her gently. She screamed loudly, so I continued doing this until she calmed down.

             
“Daddy had a super-secret phone call,” I informed her once her cries had diminished and she was looking at me with wide eyes. “Is that what got you all worked up?”

             
She continued to stare at me as if trying to communicate her own thoughts through her eyes. I kissed her forehead and breathed in her scent of lavender shampoo and baby powder. I rested my cheek against the top of her head, deciding that sleepless nights were well worth the joy of being able to hold her.

             
“Maybe Mommy should just put a bed in here,” I mused. “That way I can sleep right next to you and maybe you won’t feel the need to cry so much. Is that what it is? Do you miss Mommy?”

             
She let out a giggle, which I took to mean yes. I made a mental note to ask Julia if she had any cots stored away anywhere.

             
Adam poked his head through the door, still shirtless and looking embarrassed. “Sorry about that,” he apologized.

             
“It’s okay. Harper had other plans anyway.”

             
“I can see that.”

             
“Who was it?”

             
“Who was what?”

             
“On the phone just now.”

             
“Oh.” He looked surprised that I’d asked. “It was Brad.”

             
“This late?” I wasn’t sure how credible his response was. If I knew Brad as well as I thought I did, chances were he was already passed out from too much drinking by now.

             
“Yeah, he had a fight with his new girlfriend. No big deal.”

             
“Okay,” I replied, feeling too tired to press for details.

             
“I think I’m going to head to bed,” Adam said. “Coming?”

             
Harper didn’t look ready to go back to sleep just yet, so I shook my head. “No, I think I’m going to rock with her in the chair for a little bit until she seems sleepy again. But go ahead.”

             
“Okay,” he said, and walked over to kiss both of us on our foreheads. “I love you. And I love you even more, Harper baby,” he said, giving her an extra kiss. We made eye contact for a moment, but whatever had passed between us earlier had disappeared.

             
I smiled softly and he nodded at me before turning and crossing the hall to our bedroom. I sat in the rocking chair with Harper and sighed.
It’ll be okay
, I told myself, like I had just about every other night for the past few months. I had to believe that, for my own sake as well as Harper’s.

Chapter 15

             
“I’m going back down there for Thanksgiving, if not before,” Hannah gushed for the third time that day. It was a week after her first trip to South Carolina and she was still talking about it every chance she got. I didn’t mind. I was excited for her and it didn’t hurt that she helped keep my mind off certain things.

             
“That’s pretty exciting,” I remarked, thinking back to last year’s Thanksgiving and Nora’s announcement that she no longer considered me her daughter. This year was guaranteed to be better, no matter the circumstances.

             
“Yeah, it is. His wife Tracy is so awesome, Lainey. She’s nothing like I expected at all.”

             
I smiled at her. “I told you it wouldn’t be as bad as you were thinking. What’s she like?”

             
Even though Hannah had been back for a week, we hadn’t really spent much time together until now. We’d spoken on the phone a few times, but this was the first we were actually seeing each other. I’d planned on going to the airport to pick her up with Mason, but Harper had caught a cold and I didn’t want to risk taking her outside or leaving her with anyone.

             
“Tracy is the complete opposite of my mom. She’s really funny and nice and sweet and she doesn’t judge me for anything the way my mom always does. And she and my dad are so in love, it’s obvious and really cute.” She sighed wistfully and I couldn’t help but smile.

             
“My dad and I have so much in common,” Hannah continued as we made our way through another aisle. We were at the Halloween store at the mall, looking for a costume for Harper. It was Adam’s idea, more for the sake of adding new pictures to her scrapbook than anything else. He hadn’t expressed much interest in actually picking the costume out with me so I’d asked Hannah to come along.

             
“Like what?” I asked, trying to carefully divide my attention between the costume search and everything Hannah was telling me. After much debate, I’d agreed to leave Harper with Mason for a few hours so Hannah and I could have ‘girl time.’ Adam was at Brad’s house helping him with something or other.

             
“Just everything, from the same foods to the same favorite movies. He’s such a nice guy, Lainey. I was kind of afraid that I’d get there and he’d be exactly like my mom always said he was, but he’s not. He told me he regretted not fighting for me but he didn’t think it would be worth the fight since my mom always gets whatever she wants in the end, no matter what.” She rolled her eyes. “He wasn’t all that surprised about her and Michael and the fact that I’m living with Michael instead.”

             
“What’s going on with that, anyway?” I asked.

             
“What do you mean?”

             
“I mean, are Nora and my dad getting back together or getting divorced? Have they even spoken since she moved back to Raleigh?”

             
Hannah shrugged. “I have no idea. I don’t really get into it. My mom tries to call every so often but I just ignore her.”

             
“You haven’t spoken to her since she moved?” I asked, surprised. Hannah shook her head.

             
“Nope. I texted her once to tell her I’d found my dad and I was pursuing a relationship with him no matter what she thought but I only did that to piss her off. She never responded.”

             
“Wow,” I said, and wasn’t really sure what else to add. I found it somewhat sad that Hannah didn’t have any interest in talking to Nora, even though I could definitely understand it. I couldn’t really imagine my mom actually reaching out to me again and denying her attempts. But then, our situations were different. My mother chose to not be a part of my life for sixteen years, there was no one blocking any attempts she could have made.

             
Hannah stopped in the middle of an aisle and bit her lower lip. She looked like she wanted to tell me something but wasn’t sure how to.

             
“What’s wrong?” I asked.

             
“I have a feeling my dad is going to ask me to move in with him eventually.”

             
“Really? Why?”

             
“I don’t know, it’s just a feeling. I don’t think he really likes that I’m living with Michael. I mean, it’s nothing against your dad. Of course he appreciates him taking me in and stuff so I didn’t have to move to Raleigh with my mom, but… he’s not my dad. And now that I actually
have
a dad in my life, I’m thinking maybe he’s going to want to play that role all the time.”

             
I nodded. That made sense. Of course David Johnson was going to want to step in, take over the role of being a father to Hannah again. But move to South Carolina? I wasn’t sure I could imagine Hannah doing that.

             
“Do you think you would?” I asked.

             
She shook her head. “I have no idea. There would be so much to consider. I mean, do I really want to have to move somewhere new and start completely over? I’d miss you and Harper so much. And even Scott, although we barely talk outside of school anymore. But at the same time, it’s my dad. I’ve gone my entire life thinking he doesn’t care and now I know he does… it’s hard for me to want everything that goes along with that.”

             
“It’s not that far at least,” I pointed out. “If you don’t live with him, you can always do visits.”

             
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.” She sighed. “Don’t you ever miss living with Mom and Michael?”

             
“Not really,” I admitted. “Especially now that I have Harper. It would be such a nightmare, trying to keep her from waking up at all hours of the night and worrying that Nora would get angry about it.”

             
“Yeah, I guess it is a little different,” Hannah admitted. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll just worry about all that when the time comes.” I silently hoped it wouldn’t come up again for a long time. Life in Haven without Hannah didn’t seem much like life at all.

             
She picked up a pumpkin costume and offered it to me. “This is cute,” she said.

             
“Nope. Adam specified no pumpkins. Apparently he and Greg both were their first Halloween.”

             
“So? It’s tradition. What were you?”

             
“I have no idea.”

             
“Same. My mom probably dressed me up as a brussel sprout or something, knowing her.” We both burst out laughing.

             
“This is cute,” I commented, picking up a lady bug costume. “Do you think red might be her color?”             

             
“It definitely is when she’s angry,” Hannah said with a grin. “But that’s too common.”

             
“They don’t have a big selection,” I pointed out. “Anything for babies that they have is probably going to be too common.”

             
“Why don’t you make a costume, then?”

             
“Because I have no creative skills whatsoever and trying to mess with a sewing machine sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.”

             
“Ask Sylvia. She’s old. Aren’t all old ladies good at sewing?”

             
I smiled. “She’s not that old, and I have no idea. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask, though. I haven’t seen anything remotely interesting.”

             
“Same. Let’s go grab lunch.” Without waiting for an answer she was hurrying towards the entrance of the store. I followed close behind.

             
We made our way to the food court but nothing looked good so we decided to be reckless and went to one of the few actual restaurants inside the mall. “My dad gave me some money, so lunch is on me,” Hannah announced.

             
“Oh wow, I’m impressed,” I said mischievously. “Of all the lunch dates we’ve ever had I don’t think you’ve footed the bill once.”

             
She stuck her tongue out at me. “Yeah, well I’m always broke. Good thing I have a somewhat wealthy dad, huh?”

             
“What does he do?”

             
“He owns a few sports stores. He sells equipment and stuff. And my stepmom is a nurse.”

             
“That’s really cool. What about her son?”

             
“He’s twelve. He doesn’t do anything but act creepy.”

             
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You haven’t told me anything about him,” I pointed out.

             
“That’s because there’s nothing really to say. His name is Alex and he’s okay, I guess. A little too hyper for my tastes, but he has a lot of friends so he doesn’t really hang out at the house that much. We’d have to share a bathroom though, if I moved in.”

             
“Oh?”

             
She nodded. “It’s one of those designs where the two bedrooms are connected by a bathroom. They’re using it as a guest bedroom now and it’s pretty nice, a lot bigger than the room at Bella Vista. I think that layout would have been fun for us.”

             
“Sharing a bathroom with you is never fun,” I said solemnly.

             
The waitress came and we placed our orders. Hannah took a deep breath and stared off into space, probably thinking back to her weekend and what was to come.

             
“Isn’t it crazy that a year ago you were already pregnant and didn’t even know?”

             
“Yeah,” I said with a smile small. “I was probably around six weeks or so.”

             
“You didn’t celebrate the occasion by getting pregnant on Adam’s birthday again, did you?”

             
I rolled my eyes. “No, definitely not. I didn’t even really see him on his birthday. He didn’t want to do anything special, so we had dinner together and he went out with his friend Brad.”

             
“To do what?”

             
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask.”

             
“Why?” Hannah asked, looking at me as if I were crazy.

             
“Why would I? It’s not like he goes out and never comes back again. I don’t want to turn into one of those girlfriends that can’t let their boyfriend out of their sight without panicking. Besides, it’s not like we could have done anything special anyway. Harper isn’t restaurant-ready yet and I’d be too worried about her to give Adam all my attention.”

             
“You called him your boyfriend,” she said, completely ignoring everything else I’d just told her.

             
“What?”

             
“You called him your boyfriend and referred to yourself as his girlfriend. Are you not still engaged?”

             
Instinctively, I looked down at my engagement ring and blushed. “Yeah, I just forget sometimes.”

             
“That’s a really weird thing to forget, Lainey. Aren’t you supposed to like, plan for it and everything?”

             
“I guess. But we don’t want anything fancy and its months away so it seems pointless right now. We haven’t really even set a date or anything.”

             
“Maybe you’re not ready,” Hannah suggested.
The understatement of the year.

             
“We live together and we have a baby. I don’t know how much more ready we need to be.”

             
Hannah looked like she wanted to say something else but our food arrived and her attention was immediately diverted. “This looks amazing,” she gushed, eyeing up the chicken fajita platter she’d ordered. I’d gotten an Italian herb seasoned chicken breast over a bed of rice and a side salad and nothing had ever looked more appetizing.

             
“You can say that again,” I replied, breathing in the strong aroma of spices.

             
“This looks amazing,” she said and we both laughed like it was the funniest thing we’d ever heard.

             
“It feels so great to be back,” she said once our laughter subsided and our food cooled down enough to eat. “Not just from last weekend, but in general. I really missed you, Lainey.”

             
“And you have no idea how much I missed you. It’s torture without you around.”

             
Hannah looked sad, but she smiled anyway. “Yeah, I know. Maybe South Carolina won’t be such a good idea, after all.”

             
“Or maybe it would be the best,” I replied. “I know from experience, living with my dad isn’t ideal. If you decided to move, we’d still see each other. I’ll make sure of it.”