The Healer: First Touch (34 page)

Varick opened his eyes. They were sad, filled with grief as he turned to face me. "I'm sorry, Jacey. She's hurt pretty bad. I don't know..."

"No, no, no." I shook my head in denial. "I can save her. I can heal her. Varick, I can do it." Varick just shook his head in disagreement.

"No, I don't believe you. I can do it." Tears streamed down my face as I yelled at Varick. I bent over Oma, placing my face close to hers.

"Oma! Oma, please tell me where it hurts. I'm going to heal you. I'm going to save you. I can save you. Oma! Please! Oma!"

Oma opened her eyes again and tried to smile. She slowly lifted her hand up to my cheek, caressing it lightly with her fingers. They were so cold.

"Oma, please!" I sobbed, tears freely falling down my cheeks.

"Jacey, you are safe. That's all that matters," Oma breathed. She was struggling to stay conscious. "I love you. You are my heart."

"Oma," I whispered. "I love you too."

The sirens ceased as the ambulance and fire trucks stopped abruptly in front of the warehouse. Emergency personnel rushed from the vehicles with their equipment.

Oma's hand dropped to her side and she closed her eyes again. Her breathing became shallower and less frequent.

"Oma, Come back to me. You can't leave me. Please." I was sobbing hysterically. "Varick, help me. How do I save her? Do I touch her heart, her head? Tell me, please!"

"Jacey stop. She's gone. You can't heal her." Varick grabbed my hands, his eyes filled with sadness.

"He's right, Jace. I'm sorry." Jamie's face was also grim, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry."

"No, you're both wrong." I turned frantically to look at them. "You're wrong. She can't leave me. She can't."

I turned back to Oma, yanking my hands from Varick's. "Oma," I yelled. "Come back to me, please!" My shoulders heaved with my sobs. "Please, don't leave me," I begged hysterically.

Varick placed his hand on my shoulder. "Jacey...."

"No!" I screamed, shrugging his hand roughly off my shoulder. "I can do this!" I sobbed. I placed my hand back over Oma's heart. I didn't feel anything. "No, no, no." I moved my hands to her lungs, pushing down on her body. I closed my eyes tightly, refusing to give up. "Come on, Oma...breathe."

"Jacey..." I felt Varick's hand on my arm, gently trying to stop me.

"No!" I yelled at him, throwing his arm off me again. "I can do this!" I sobbed.

"Jacey, stop it," Varick said sternly. "It's over. She's gone." Varick grabbed my arm again.

I yanked my arm from Varick's grip again, sobbing uncontrollably. My head lowered and my shoulders shook with my crying. I was being lifted to a standing position by Varick and Jamie. They dragged me away from Oma's motionless body as paramedics took positions around her.

"No," I sobbed, fighting to free myself from Varick and Jamie's grip. "Oma!" I watched through blurred eyes as Oma's body rose under the paramedic's shock paddles.

"Clear!" the paramedic yelled, shocking Oma's chest again. "Try again."

I felt as if my heart was breaking into thousands of pieces. "Oma!" I desperately fought Varick and Jamie but they held me fast.

"Clear!" the paramedics yelled again. I watched Oma's frail body rise again with the shock of the paddles. "Nothing," he said grimly, rubbing the paddles together.

My head lowered and I gave in to uncontrollable grief and despair.

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I had pulled my hair into a tight bun at the back of my neck, the kind Oma used to put in my hair when I went to dance class as a child. My chest tightened as I thought of Oma. "I am not going to cry. Not now," I told the reflection in the mirror. I took a couple deep breaths to calm myself and stop the tears. My eyes were puffy and red and my face was blotchy from days of crying. No amount of make up would hide any of that, so I didn't even try. I closed my eyes and walked out of the bathroom. I was exhausted, and I knew today was going to be another trying day. My stomach churned with dread.

I walked into my bedroom to get dressed. I rummaged through my closet and found my black wrap dress shoved tightly among the other clothes. Ripping it off the hanger, I flipped the dress a few times to get the wrinkles out. I wrapped the dress around my body and tied it securely at the side of my waist. Then I put on my pearl earrings. Before walking down stairs to where I knew Jamie was waiting, I picked up my sparkling angel's wings pin. I held the pin in my hand, staring at it ruefully. My vision blurred.
Stupid pin. Stupid healing powers. Stupid Fury. If I had never found this pin, never found my healing powers, none of this would have happened.
With a sob catching in my throat, I threw the pin at the opposite wall. It fell to the floor and settled somewhere under my bed.
Stupid pin.
My breath came in stuttered movements as I fought the tears. I had to be strong today. No tears. It was going to be hard. No, it was going to be impossible.

I walked down the stairs, my hand running down the railing as I went. Jamie was waiting for me in the living room dressed in black pants, a white dress shirt, and a black tie. He had a black and brown patterned sport coat over his arm and his hair was pulled back neatly in a low ponytail. Any other time I would have commented on how handsome he was, all cleaned up in a shirt and tie. But not today. Not for this occasion.

Jamie's eyes were cloudy grey and sad as he reached out to me. I looked at his outstretched hand and up to his face. Jamie attempted a smile, but it looked painful on his clean-shaven face.

"We can do this," he said softly. "Together." When I hesitated, he nodded lightly, his hand still extended toward me. I placed my hand in his and he folded his bigger hand around mine and squeezed tightly. Then he took my hand and brought it up to his arm, cradling it between his arm and his body as we walked slowly to the front porch.

The sky was grey and dreary. Heavy clouds threatened to let loose. I noticed Jamie held an umbrella in his other hand just in case. It would rain some time today, I had no doubts.

Jamie helped me into his Jeep, even fastening my seatbelt for me before getting in the driver's side.

"You're wearing your glasses," I said, my voice wavering.

"Yeah," Jamie answered, looking at me before turning back to the roadway he was backing us onto. "The contacts hurt my eyes this morning." The emotion was unmistakable in Jamie's voice too.

"I like your glasses," I answered softly, turning to look out the passenger window. I saw Jamie glance at me before he turned away again. Raindrops began to hit against the window.

The rhythmic thrumming of the Jeep's windshield wipers quickened as the rain fell harder. I felt a single tear slid down my cheek. I stared outside, trying not to think or to feel. I wished for numbness.

We pulled into the small Lutheran church in town, the same church Oma had brought me to for as long as I could remember. The parking lot was already full so Jamie pulled up to the door to let me off.

"No," I said, looking at Jamie. "I don't want to go in without you. I'll just walk in the rain with you."

"Alright. Anything you want, Jace." Jamie pulled through the driveway and parked his Jeep out by the road. I had never walked into that church without Oma. But I knew she was already inside the church, waiting for me.

We ran to the doors, both of us huddled under Jamie's large umbrella. He gave me his sport coat to wrap around my shoulders so I could stay dry. Once inside, Jamie closed the umbrella and shook off the water droplets before propping it up against the heat register in the foyer with the other umbrellas. I handed Jamie's sport coat to him so he could put it on before we entered the vestibule of the church. He placed his hand at the small of back, gently urging me inside.

I was met by many sad, grief-stricken faces. Murmurs of apologizes and condolences followed me as I walked past our friends and neighbors and went directly into the church. Inside the sanctuary, soft organ music played and I recognized one of Oma's favorite hymns. Soft chattering by those already seated in the pews silenced as Jamie and I walked down the aisle to the front. Emma was already seated there with her parents sitting behind her. Mr. and Mrs. Quarter nodded at me with sad faces. Mrs. Quarter wiped her face with a tissue she had balled up in her hand.

Emma hugged me tightly. "I'm going to sit right here next to you?" she whispered in my ear. Her voice wavered and I felt her tears dampen my cheek as her face touched mine. Jamie was lightly rubbing my back with his hand. He kept clearing his throat as he did.

I closed my eyes tightly and concentrated on my breathing, slow and controlled. Although my breathing was calm, my stomach was churning. I had hardly eaten anything the last few days. I couldn't. In fact, the thought of food made me ill.

"Jace," Jamie whispered. "Do you want to go up and see her?"

I opened my eyes as Jamie spoke. I didn't really want to see her, but I knew that the service wouldn't begin until I did. Sighing heavily, I nodded and grabbed Jamie's hand. He squeezed and led the way up to the altar. I followed with my head down, not wanting to see her until I had to.

When Jamie stopped he held my hand with his left hand and wrapped his right arm around my waist to support me as I stared at the silver grey casket and the body that lay inside it. I noticed that the lapel of her pink suit was flipped up in a funny way so I reached in and gently folded it down. "There Oma," I whispered. "Now, your suit is just right. You would have never left the house if you would have seen your suit like this." Jamie's arm tightened around my waist and he cleared his throat again.

"All these people are here to see you Oma," I continued. "All these people loved you." I took a calming breath before I continued. "And I love you. So much." My voice wavered as I struggled to contain my grief. "Watch over me, Oma, until we see each other again."

The funeral proceeded after we sat back down in the pew. Emma sat on my right and Jamie on my left. I watched the minister and listened to the hymns. The eulogies given by Joanie and Mr. Quarter were heart wrenching, beautiful reminders to everyone of Oma's giving and caring nature. I listened to Emma crying softly next to me and Jamie clearing his throat to prevent crying. But I didn't cry. I sat numbly as I watched the events of Oma's funeral unfold.

Jamie and Emma stayed with me as Oma's casket was carried out, as I stood in line receiving the condolences of friends and neighbors, and even as we finished the luncheon provided by the church's women's guild. I stayed numb. Not feeling anything. Protecting myself from the grief that tortured me.

It was still raining when we left the church. Jamie ran to his Jeep while I waited in the church's foyer. I held Jamie's sport coat close to my chest as I waited for him. Pastor Garroth came up to me as I waited and patted me lightly on the shoulder.

"I will be praying for you, Jacey, for peace, acceptance, and hope. If you need to talk, please call me."

"Thank you, Pastor," I answered, barely glancing at him. "I will." I swallowed hard, desperately trying to hold onto the numbness dulling my feelings. The pastor patted me on the shoulder again and gave me a sad smile.

I closed my eyes and turned back to the entrance doors just as Jamie pulled up. He jumped out of the Jeep and ran over to the passenger side to open the door for me. "Thanks," I mumbled as he shut the door after me.

Only the sound of the rain hitting the car was heard as we drove. Neither of us could talk. Normally, any silence between us was comfortable. But not this time. This time it just allowed us to replay the events of a few days ago, to relive Oma's death.

As Jamie drove, I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was so serious, his hands firmly on the steering wheel, his eyes on the road. I felt my heart soften a bit as I tried to stare at him without catching his attention. He had been so good to me since Oma's death. He had stayed with me and helped with the funeral arrangements, comforting me with his presence. He even let me cry on his shoulder for hours. I knew that when Jamie had told me he loved me, he really meant it. The last few days, he had shown me.

I turned and stared out the passenger window at the rain continuing to fall. Jamie loved me. I cared about him deeply and I knew I had feelings for him. But I didn't love him like he wanted me to. I knew I should. Any normal woman in my position would.

But I'm not normal.

My head began to throb. I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead with my hand.

"Head hurt?"

"Yes. I'm going to need some Tylenol or something."

"I'll get you some when we get home."

Jamie pulled into the driveway next to the Taurus that had been fixed and delivered to the house by Emma's brother earlier in the week. We ran the front porch.

Jamie reached into his shirt pocket, bringing out his glasses. He checked them for any water droplets before he placed him over his eyes. "Shall we?" he asked, as he motioned toward the door.

"Jamie..."

"What?"

I looked at his smooth forehead, to the spot where he should have had a scar from the injury he had received about a month ago.
Had it really only been a month since all this began?
It felt like an eternity.

"Jamie...I don't know how to tell you this..." I tried again. I bit my lip nervously.

"Tell me what? You can tell me anything, Jace. I love you." Jamie grabbed my hands, holding them tightly in his own.

"I know...but..."

"But what?"

"But...I don't love you the same way you love me."

I watched Jamie's face cloud over.

"What do you mean you don't love me the same way?"

"I love you, Jamie, I do. But not the way you want me to love you, a romantic way. I love you as one of my very best friends."

Jamie's face fell, his eyes darkening as he processed my statement.

"I'm sorry Jamie. I am. You've taken such good care of me throughout all of this, and I am so grateful for that. But I needed to tell you the truth."

"But, the other day...at the warehouse..." Jamie's eyes desperately searched mine.