The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz (54 page)

* I continue to tour the United States and Canada, either alone or with Mike, Sue, or recently with Craig Gross from Triple X Church. The colleges are always sold out. I’ve done Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, and I’m in my twelfth year as a guest lecturer for Professor W. Garrett Capune’s criminology class at Cal State Fullerton. Even Bill O’Reilly has made a comment about my college appearances on his A.M. radio show.

* Taint: n., (t
nt): The perineum—the area between the genitals and anus, male or female, although the term is said to originate from the saying “It ain’t pussy and t’aint ass…”

* This works for women, too.

* Some guys will think of another man’s hairy ass to keep from cuming too soon. I warn them that that’s dangerous, because if they cum anyway, it can change their entire way of life. As we learned from the scientific research of the Skinner Box or Pavlov’s dogs, what can happen now, is that every time they see a man’s behind, they’d go, “ugggh!” and not know why.

* Smart married men have told me that no matter how busy you get in your professional life, a relationship won’t work if you don’t devote time at least a few days every week to your lady when nobody else is around, whether it’s a dinner or a show or just one-on-one time.

** Comics like Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy had done hilarious routines about this, and they all admit it’s true.

* On the condition that it be given to a happy home and not used as snake food.

** He asked that I e-mail him a few photos of Fetus, which I did. He loved them and shared the pictures with his daughter.

* I received a totally different attitude when I told popular KLSX radio personality Tom Leykus. He said, “I don’t want to lose my best student. Come back to Professor Leykus 101.”

** At this point, Juniper and I were best friends and living near each other in Hollywood.

*** When I left the farm, the now-healthy baby lamb kissed me good-bye on the nose.

* We still have joint custody of Cherry the tortoise, although she lives with me now. Cherry, by the way, was part of the cast of the WB’s
The Surreal Life
. And you can see her in the film
Pornstar Pets
, produced by my friend Danny Vinik (who also produced
Spun
). She accompanied me during the photo shoot for my poster for PETA (one of my favorite organizations). You can also check her out at Peta.org or Helpinganimals.com. If Juniper and I play our cards right, Cherry can live up to one hundred sixty years! (She’s about sixteen years old now.) As for Fetus, she’s smiling down from rodent heaven with her two good eyes.