The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz (51 page)

TO: Ben Cosgrove

Kristin/Plan B

Brad Pitt

This proposal is my small contribution in the ongoing fight against world hunger. In addition to you, I have also brought this concept to the attention of Paul McGuinness, Bono, Oprah Winfrey, and Bob Geldof, among others.

I lived on a farm as part of a British television show called
The Farm
. (Many celebrities, high ratings.) I learned a disturbing fact. A tremendous amount of meat is wasted. If a cow, pig, or lamb, etc., doesn’t meet the high-quality standards and perfect meat consistency to compete in the world market, the humane farm will let the animal graze until death. Some factory farms will just kill them even though this meat would achieve FDA standards. They are just too old or not good enough to compete with farms in Morocco, the U.K., Australia, etc. As the farmers told me, the profit margins are so slim and the competition so fierce, it does not pay to house, clean, or even feed them. (Almost all farms compete for the top-paying buyers; anything else is not worth it.)

So basically, this meat isn’t good enough for Spago’s in Beverly Hills, but it certainly is good enough for third-world countries. (This is the meat that is often used for stews, hot dogs, and hamburgers.)

Just to give examples: There are many animals used for procreation (bulls for their semen, sows who produce piglets, ewes who produce lambs, etc.). Their offspring are eaten in a year or two. When the parents are no longer valuable to produce offspring, dairy cows that no longer can produce milk, or even certain calves that have too much fat and not enough muscles, all these animals are to graze and die. Some of them have a massive build.

The farmer and I approximated 800 to 1,000 mouths could be fed per animal. At least 1,000 animals are wasted each day in the world pool. That could be 1 million mouths fed per day.

The farmer I spoke to in England and a few in the United States and Australia all agreed that if the governments would give them a tax deduction per animal, it would then behoove them to deliver these animals to the docks for delivery to the third-world countries. I’m assuming the receiving countries would cover the shipping. The money raised per various charities could be used to build humane slaughterhouses, and the Africans could be trained to operate them. Or if this is too impractical, the animals could be slaughtered first and then the preserved meat sent over.

This is a win-win situation because our governments wouldn’t be paying, just offering tax incentives. The farmers, being private businessmen, can always benefit from a tax write-off. (Some of this goes on already in other farming areas.)

HIV medication is a perfect example. Africans couldn’t afford it. Various governments offered tax incentives. Drug companies lowered the prices. Africans received their medications. This could work for the animals that are basically being discarded.

If this process has started and others have thought of this, I applaud that. I’m not in this for any kind of publicity or attention. If it hasn’t, someone of Brad Pitt’s clout could ask some of the political powers that be to offer these tax incentives to meat farmers. It could start in one country and blossom.

I’m sure you’re aware that money raised and awareness go only so far. (A good portion of money goes toward clerical fees, administration, commercial spots, etc.) This idea specifically feeds the people.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Ron Jeremy

SPECIAL THANKS

T
his book wouldn’t have been possible without my friends and family. So I’d like to send a big thank-you to Mickey, Adam, Ben, John, Roger, Troy, Greg, Gary, Dennis, Al, Mark, Bobby, Venice, Natalie, Phoebe, Ken, Lois, bro Larry, sis Susie, Allen, Moss Krivin, Metro Interactive, Stu, Josh, Eric, Mauro, Joelle, and especially anyone I forgot.

Appendix A:
RON JEREMY FUN FACTS

BIRTHDAY: March 12, 1953

REAL NAME: Ron Jeremy Hyatt

NICKNAMES: The Hedgehog, The Manatee, The Chupacabra

DIRECTING PORN ALIASES: Ron Hedge, Nicholas Pera, Hiramus Smurkin, Ron Prestissimo, Lolita Brooklyn, Bill Blackman, Lululatush

NUMBER OF SEX PARTNERS: more than 4,000

NUMBER OF PORN FILMS: At least 1,750 (a world record)

NUMBER OF PORN FILMS IN WHICH RON HAD SEX WITH A SYNTHETIC DUMMY: 1 (
Real Doll: The Movie
)

NUMBER OF PORN FILMS FOR WHICH RON HAS SHAVED HIS MUSTACHE: 2

NUMBER OF PORN FILMS FOR WHICH RON HAS SHAVED HIS BACK: 1,500

YEAR IN WHICH RON BECAME THE FIRST MALE PORN STAR TO TRIM HIS PUBIC HAIR (to exaggerate his penis size): 1980

AGE AT WHICH RON BEGAN TAKING PIANO LESSONS: 8

AGE AT WHICH RON PLAYED THE PIANO WITH A PENIS MASK ON HIS HEAD IN THE MOVIE
RULES OF ATTRACTION
: 49

RON’S PENIS SIZE: 9¾ inches

AVERAGE PENIS SIZE OF A HEDGEHOG: 9 centimeters

AMOUNT RON WAS OFFERED BY DIRECTOR ADAM RIFKIN TO PUT HIS PENIS IN BARBARA WALTERS’S SHOULDER ON
THE VIEW
: $25,000

AGE OF RON’S YOUNGEST SEX PARTNER: 17 (Traci Lords, in
Sex Fifth Avenue
. She had fake ID and looked 21.)

AGE OF RON’S OLDEST SEX PARTNER: 87 (Rosie, in
87 and Still Bangin’
)

WEIGHT OF RON’S FATTEST SEX PARTNER: 300 pounds (Sindee, in
Fatliners
)

NUMBER OF RON’S PORNO FILMS WITH THE WORD
FAT
IN THE TITLE: 8

RON’S RANKING IN
ADULT VIDEO NEWS
TOP 50 PORN STARS OF ALL TIME: 1

COMICS WHO HAVE IMPERSONATED RON ON
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
: 2 (Jon Lovitz and Horatio Sanz)

YEAR IN WHICH RON PUBLICLY ANNOUNCED THAT HE WOULD NO LONGER PERFORM IN PORN FILMS ON YOM KIPPUR: 2001

AGE AT WHICH RON RECEIVED AN ADULT FILM LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: 50

AVERAGE AGE AT WHICH MOST PORN STARS RETIRE: 36

NUMBER OF FAKE OBITUARIES FOR RON IN
SCREW
: 1

Appendix B:
KING OF DVDS

(or, “If I’m a Cheesy Actor, Who Cut the Cheese?”)

I
’ve appeared in dozens of mainstream films, but I’ve also been sliced out of a few. Here’s a partial list of my movie roles that never made it into the final cut (and many of these aren’t listed on IMDB).

RONIN
I was cut from the film, but I did receive a screen credit, as Ron Hiatt, which they obviously spelled wrong.

REINDEER GAMES
Although my scene never appeared in the movie, I also received a screen credit for this one, as Ron Hyatt, spelled correctly this time…

PATH TO WAR
John Frankenheimer hired me to do narration for this film about Vietnam and President Lyndon B. Johnson, but I was cut after John passed away. John loved my reading, and his only correction was my pronunciation of “Vietnam.” John had every intention of giving me a small role (as the German soldier, possibly) in his new film
Exorcist: The Prequel
. He even called me while scouting locations overseas. Again, his untimely passing ended all that. And I still have the original script, which changed when the new directors took over.

CONFIDENCE
In this 2003 film starring Dustin Hoffman, I played the nonspeaking role of a bar owner. I was cut and didn’t receive a screen credit, but you do see me clearly in the deleted scenes of the DVD,
with
Dustin Hoffman.

PAULY SHORE IS DEAD
I played a patient in a mental hospital. I was cut from the theatrical release, but my scene is in the DVD’s deleted scenes. (Britney Spears and rapper Eminem introduce the deleted scenes.)

ARISTOCRATS
I did a poem that’s included on the DVD. I’m also given a special thanks in the movie credits.

DOMINO
I had a nice part that was cut from this Mickey Rourke feature. I’m given a special thanks in the credits, and I was supposed to be included in the DVD’s deleted scenes. Last I heard, I “might” be in a special-edition release of the DVD.

BOOGIE NIGHTS
and
9½ WEEKS
I have a consulting credit on both of these films, but my scenes—as you already know—were cut.

ODD JOBS
This was a TV pilot for NBC, produced by Aaron Spelling and Roger Avary and directed by Peter O’Fallon. I would’ve played the sleazy bathroom guy, who was supposed to be a recurring character, but the pilot wasn’t accepted by NBC.

I’M WITH THE BAND
I had a major role in this Alanis Morissette TV pilot before Comedy Central pulled the plug.

RED LINE
I got a screen credit
and
you see me on-screen, but my additional scenes were cut. This movie was memorable for me because I got to meet Michael Madsen. He’s a very hospitable guy, and I was at his oceanfront home, on a July Fourth barbecue a few years ago. He published a book of poetry, and when I visited him at a book signing, I asked him, “Do I want to see Shakespeare shoot somebody? Do I want to see Edgar Allan Poe pistol-whip someone? No, of course not. So why would I want to read Michael Madsen’s poetry?” Michael gave me a dirty look, but he knew I was kidding. “Okay, I’ll buy it,” I said. “But I want you to sign something that’s from the heart.” He took my copy of the book and wrote: “Ron Jeremy, go fuck yourself.” Very funny. “Okay,” I said. “
That’s
from the heart.”

About the Authors

R
ON
J
EREMY
is an internationally acclaimed actor, stand-up comedian, classically trained pianist, accredited special education teacher, and renowned college lecturer. In his spare time, he’s also starred in roughly two thousand adult films, including award-winning performances in
Suzie Superstar
and
All the Way In!
He lives in California.

E
RIC
S
PITZNAGEL
writes for such magazines as
Playboy
and
The Believer.
He lives in California.

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

Credits

Jacket design by Paul Brown

Front jacket photograph © by Steve Evans/Getty Images

Copyright

DISCLAIMER
A lot of what you’re going to read here involves far-out stories with celebrities from all walks of life. Some of it may seem wild and bizarre, but believe it or not, it all happened. I don’t lie. So fasten your seat belts, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Unless otherwise credited, all photographs courtesy of the author.

Title page photograph courtesy of Collectors/Gourmet Video.

RON JEREMY
. Copyright © 2007 by Ron Jeremy. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Mobipocket Reader January 2007 ISBN 978-0-06-114743-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBN-13: 978-0-06-084082-2
ISBN-10: 0-06-084082-X

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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* To be fair, however, I have seen VigRx and ExtenZe work for actors I’ve directed, and I’ve endorsed these pills on TV. I Just hope
I
never need them.