The Goodbye Man (23 page)

Broken things are never whole, shattered pieces cannot be replaced.

One is always missing.

I feel my fists tighten
as the rage coils within me. I am going to kill her.
You can’t. I want to.
I loosen my belt with visions of beating her. My mind wars with itself as I see her sitting in the ruins of everything I hold dear to me, my life splintered into small pieces on the floor around her. She might as well have killed me. I look at the bare top shelf and I see that Ophelia is gone too. Nothing could stop me, all rational thought has left my mind, and blind unbridled rage has consumed me. Yet my feet remain planted in one spot; I cannot move to the wreckage.

Her eyes look up and meet mine, the same shame that would bring tears to a naughty child’s eyes shimmers in hers, and she knows she has done wrong. I wish she knew just how fucking wrong. I want her to understand what she has done to me, she is killing me, ripping my heart out. As I search the debris around her, my eyes scour for those black strands that mean everything to me. Her picture, her beautiful face is torn to ribbons, I feel myself tearing too. Tearing between Ophelia and Lettie, the two halves battle against each other. I cannot have them both, I have to let one go, and right now I want to murder Lettie and sit there clutching onto the last little remnants of my love. Love is love and I love Lettie, too.

“What have you done you stupid, stupid girl?” I yell down at her as I step closer so that I am towering over her. She just looks at me with wide eyes. No answer slips out of her pretty mouth as she just looks at me.

“Why, Lettie?” I yell louder. Her lip quivers as if she wants to cry, but she won’t let herself. My anger cannot be contained any longer, I reach down and pull her by her hair out of the havoc she has created. She fights, kicks and screams, but I don’t even hear it over the boiling anger in my head.

“Why, Lettie?” I keep yelling at her as I drag her back to the bedroom. What has she done? All my love lies in ruins on the floor and I need to put it back together. She scrapes along the floors behind me as I stomp like a Neanderthal. Eventually as I throw her into the room she breaks, the tears rolling down her cheeks and she shakes. I pull my belt lose, and with one swift action I lash it across her naked back. The red welts are coming to life.

“Why, Lettie?” I chant over and over, every single one matched with the crack of my belt on her skin. No words answer me, just wailing cries. After countless lashes, my rage has not been dampened at all and her steel resolve hasn’t cracked even a little. She is so hardened that my physical violence doesn’t affect her at all. In a moment of looking in her teary eyes, I know how to break my sweet Lettie. “Why, stupid girl? Why when I love you so?” Love is not a feeling, love is weapon and I know exactly how to wield it. I drop the belt and caress her cheek, letting my hand soothe the welts I have made on her skin as I lift her to her feet.

She looks at me with shame and sorrow in her eyes, but also a fire, a fight that wasn’t there before. “You left me, Mateo. You left me and I went mad.” She whispers in soft voice that would have sent Caesar straight off the deep end. “I don’t want you to love them, I want you to love me. You left. Not me, you!” Her voice is full of fury as she accuses me.

“I should leave you for good because of what you did, Lettie.” I couldn’t even if I wanted to but I threaten her anyway. She steps away from me and tries to grab her clothing off my rumpled bed. “No!” I bark at her. “Go stand in the corner, Lettie. Stand there while I try to put my life back together.” I point to the corner of the room. She looks at me with hesitation, “Go now, face the wall and think about your stupid selfish actions. Everything I ever loved was in those jars, Lettie. You have shattered my life and I cannot face you now. Right now I hate you.” She hangs her head in shame and faces the wall in the corner. I love her, but I hate what she is doing to my life. I can hear her crying as I turn to leave the room. She should cry.

When I get back to the destruction in my living space, I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs as the life leaves me. There is no way I will ever be able to sort the hairs and return them. Only Ophelia’s hair was bound by a small elastic band, so I can rescue just the one. I feel my heart breaking, sadness replacing the anger. I will have to start over, from the beginning. I cannot explain my need for these mementos, I just have to have them. I cannot be without them.

After sweeping away
my love and putting it all in a bag, I return to Lettie, who is still standing in the corner with her back to me. The mess my belt left is glowing red on her skin. She never even once begged me to stop, she just took every single lash. Hurting her will not break her down, so I have to find a better way to crack her open and make her bleed. Her eyes are boring holes in my bedroom wall as she glares unblinking at it; she just stands there. This girl will do anything I say if she thinks I love her. Anything. The possibilities make me smile a little.

As I walk up behind her and stand as close as I can, she doesn’t move a muscle, she just holds her breath a little longer. The anger still festers in me and the sadness of my loss is pulling me to a dark place that I don’t care for. I put my hands on her shoulders and lean down so I can whisper right into her ear so she has to listen to me.

“You want me to stay, Lettie? Then you have to behave. You have hurt me and that means I have to hurt you.” She still doesn’t move or blink, just the empty shell of a person, exactly what I need. “Come, we are going downstairs. Put your clothes on.” I know exactly what I am going to do to little Lettie to make her hurt.

She silently walks by me and slips on her crumpled clothing, and my need for order overwhelms me, so I start to make up the bed neatly and tidy my space. I can’t bear the disorder, it makes me feel claustrophobic. She stands waiting, tears still shimmer in her dark eyes and they are puffy and red around the edges. She is so beautiful in her sadness. I take her hand and pull her after me like a child so we can get on with this. She stumbles as she tries to keep up with my large steps, but I don’t slow down or stop. I just drag her behind me while she falls over her feet. The metal stairs will hurt her bare feet as we make our way down to the working floor below us. I force the door open and the sterile smell and beeping monitors assault my senses. The two rows of still lifeless bodies call to me, to my needs. They just lie there waiting for me to love them, waiting to die quietly without any fight. They are in limbo; it’s like a permanent heaven.

“If you don’t want me to leave, then you don’t get to leave my side either.” I spit at her as I stop next to a beautiful blonde girl with curly hair and pale skin. She would look almost dead even alive she is so white. She will be perfect. “I have to fix what you did.” I let go of her hand and undo my belt, the metal buckle making a loud noise as it hits the floor with my jeans. I leave my shoes and pants there as I pull the thin white sheet off of her body, exposing her sweet naked beauty. She is not marked or broken, she is almost perfect. “Stand there.” I move her right next to the bed where the monitors are beeping above her head. “And watch me fix your mistake. You hurt me, Lettie. Now I get to hurt you back.” Her lip quivers and her eyes glaze with tears, but she stands and looks into my eyes with fire. I lift myself onto the bed and force the lily white legs beneath me open, kneeling now so she can watch me. I fist my cock while touching the perky little breasts bared below me. I can see the fire growing stronger in her. I lean down to take her nipple into my mouth and let out a rasping moan from deep inside me. I need this. I need them, my sweet dead dollies that cannot move away from me. I look up to see her eyes squeezed closed and the rage returns. “Open your fucking eyes and watch. You did this. I was doing better until you destroyed my life.” I yell at her and she jumps. “Watch me love her.”

I love her, like I loved them all, forcing my hard cock into her dry, unwelcoming pussy and I fucking love her. I rock myself back and forth inside her. I kiss her cool skin and whisper love in her ears. Only this time she watches me as her tears fall. They are flowing down her cheeks, little rivers of her heart breaking. I enjoy every second of it; you see, love is about how you use it. Every single thrust of my dick is a stab at her heart. I’m going to hurt her just the way she hurt me. Shatter this fucking illusion she has of hope and love. I think I hate her right now. I allow a roar to escape as I come hard inside my sweet white doll, who doesn’t moan or arch or kiss me. She just accepts me, and she goes nowhere, not even in her mind.

I look up in time to see Lettie’s sobs escaping without a sound. As I pull out of my loving little doll and stand in front of her, I cup her wet cheek in my hand and kiss her living lips. She kisses me back and my heart tears open.

The lonely, lively dolly sat back and watched until she found the urge for playtime too.

Mateo walks in,
fury washing over his sweaty face. He’s screaming ‘why’ over and over, it getting louder and louder with each chant. I wish I could give him the answer that he wants, but I can’t. I fear disappointment because I know I am not what he needs. Part of my malicious, manipulative heart swells with pride as I hear the despondency in his tone. I have him right where I need him. Running to
me
. If this is a game we are playing, consider it on.

I block out his repetitive questions, because I refuse to give him an answer. I simply hang my head like a shameful servant. I hate that he hurts, but part of me wants to smile because I have the attention that I crave. My belly tightens with the thought of his eyes on my naked body, even though I know he has no intention of taking me as his. No. He wants to punish me. He wants to hurt me.
Bring it, Mateo. You can’t break me. Pain is a lovely little friend that I am used to. I was born into a world of disgusting vanes. Bred from deceiving whores and liars. Make your pain rain over my scarred body!
I continue to hold my head down and will myself to withhold a smile, knowing I have won.

Mateo’s heavy boots click fast over to me while he huffs loudly. I sense that he is withholding the urge to kill me. Only I would be so lucky. I am becoming someone I don’t know. Filling my used-to-be hopeful heart with black, dirty thoughts. After all, I am the daughter of a slut and a taker of lives. The Goodbye Man and Russian whore birthed the princess who learns to adapt and breathe in the evilness that she used to hate. Now, I embrace it. I let myself become
them
. Mateo grasps his strong hands onto my hair, dragging me down and into his bedroom, throwing me onto the bed like a ragdoll with little effort. I want to laugh out loud like a maddened little girl, but I play into his act, moaning and crying out with non-existent fear.

Whip! Whip!

His questioning between blows falls on deaf ears. I feel my skin pucker into welts, the throbbing pain makes me want to smile. Yes, grin for the attention and emotional attachment he clearly has to me. If he wanted to kill me, he would have done it back there. Now, he is punishing me like I am a little girl who stole a cookie from the jar. Thoughts of that make me want to giggle, but I let the tears form in my eyes, more so out of a bodily response. The stinging jolts swim through my body deep into my toes, making my pussy wet with need.

Maybe he will be sorry after this and whisper how much he didn’t mean to hurt me. Yes, I have him right where I want him. His lovers are all gone and I am all that he has. He has no choice but to hold me.
Take me. I am your only reason now, Mateo
!

No, Mateo has other plans.