The Girl Who Came Back (28 page)

And so here she was two years later, looking back on the time that had passed in a blur of grief, anger, despair and such desperate longing for her precious girl that she often had no idea how she got through the day. Her life was so different now, so removed from the exhilaration of love and dreams she’d shared with Daisy, the highs and lows of a normal existence, that she sometimes wondered if she was still the same person. Perhaps she wasn’t. Maybe she really had morphed into somebody else; after all she could no longer call herself a mother, or a wife. In truth she wasn’t sure what she could call herself, apart from a daughter, even though her mother didn’t always recognise her. And a friend, she mustn’t forget that. She still had Em, albeit some four thousand miles away, and now there was Andee too.

Andee had stayed in touch after the trial, ringing often and visiting several times after she and her children moved to Kesterly when she joined the Dean Valley force. Eventually, the demands of her new job had meant that she and Jules saw less and less of each other. Jules understood that, and in some ways she was glad of it, for Andee was a reminder of that terrible time.

It was after Kian’s first suicide attempt that Em and Aileen had persuaded her that it was time to move out of the pub.

‘You don’t have to make a decision about selling right away,’ Em had said gently. ‘Misty and Marco are more than capable of running things, but living here, surrounded by so many memories, is too hard, not only for Kian, but for you too.’

So Jules, with Aileen’s help, had found the house she was in now, which was probably not far enough away from the pub, or the coast, but it was as far as she’d been able to make herself go. It was crazy to think that she still needed to be on hand for Daisy, but it was how she felt. She simply couldn’t abandon everything and start all over again as though Daisy had never existed.

Oddly, one of the most heartbreaking parts of leaving the Mermaid had been forcing herself to let go of Ruby. Though there’d been no sign of her since Daisy had gone, no flickering of lights, random bursts of the burglar alarm, or mysterious movements of her little shoe, Jules still spoke to her in her mind, while clutching the shoe to her heart. She truly believed that Ruby was passing messages to Daisy, doing all she could to keep them connected, and even if that weren’t the case, it made her feel better to do it.

‘Do you think I should take the shoe with me?’ she asked Misty a few days before she was due to leave.

‘Why not, if you want to?’ Misty replied. ‘I think she belongs with you.’

‘But this is her home. What if she doesn’t want to leave?’

In the end she decided to give the shoe pride of place on a mantlepiece in the library, and Misty had promised never to move it. So, if it ever disappeared, or turned up somewhere else in the pub, they would know Ruby was back.

Though Kian had agreed that moving was the right decision, Jules could tell that his mind was hardly on what she was saying. There was always a glazed, faraway look in his eyes these days, as though he wasn’t in the present, but constantly staring into the past. It made it all but impossible to reach him.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said to Jules the day before their departure, ‘but I won’t be coming with you.’

Jules looked up in shock, praying she hadn’t heard right, even though she’d half expected it.

‘We can’t be together any more,’ he told her sadly. ‘We both know it, and it’s time to admit it.’

Going to him, her eyes swimming in tears, she cupped his face in her hands as she said, ‘I still love you, Kian.’

‘I still love you too,’ he said, ‘but things haven’t been … You know what I’m saying … It had changed before, and now, every time I look at you all I can see is Daisy, and I know it’s the same for you when you look at me.’

She couldn’t deny it: it wrenched at her so painfully at times that she’d almost stopped looking at him. ‘So are we going to let Amelia Quentin destroy everything?’ she asked brokenly.

His voice was toneless, resigned, not even bitter as he said, ‘She already has. So it’s best if I go to Ireland with Mum. We’ll help you to settle Marsha into the care home first, of course …’

Jules took a step back. ‘You’ve been discussing this without me?’ she accused, hurt and shocked.

He shook his head. ‘You’ve known Mum’s plans for a while. I haven’t told her yet that I intend to go with her.’

Though she wanted to beg him to change his mind, to not give up on them and come with her to the new house, she knew in her heart that it had to be this way if they were going to stand a chance of surviving. So, resting her head on his shoulder, she said, ‘I don’t know if I can bear it without you.’

Wrapping her in his arms, he whispered, ‘It’s going to be hard for me too. You’ve always been my rock, the one I never thought I could be without, but now … Watching you suffer … Knowing how terrible and hopeless you feel … I’m sorry, I wish I was stronger, that I could be here for you to lean on, but I’m not the man I was before this happened, and I don’t think I ever will be again.’

So she’d moved into the Risings and he’d gone with his mother to Ireland.

The second time he tried to take his life was on the third anniversary of Daisy’s death. Jules already knew from Aileen that he was still a long way from being able to pull himself together, since he barely spoke or ate, almost never left the house, or agreed to visitors; some days he didn’t even get out of bed.

Aileen had rung Jules as soon as she’d realised Kian was missing. She was hoping, praying, that he might be on his way to Kesterly to spend the anniversary with his wife, but if he was he’d never mentioned the intention to Jules.

By the time Aileen rang off the emergency services had already found him; someone had seen his car going off the road into a ravine and had immediately reported it. He was airlifted to hospital and everyone agreed, it was nothing short of a miracle that he’d survived.

Clearly he wasn’t meant to die, even if he thought he was.

‘I don’t know when he started blaming himself,’ Aileen whispered shakily to Jules, as they sat waiting for him to come round. ‘He just started coming out with it one day, saying he shouldn’t have taken her to that house, that he should have gone back there to pick her up, if he had she’d still be alive …’

Jules didn’t admit how many times she’d had the same thoughts, how often she ran them through her mind with happier, life-saving conclusions, though not a part of her blamed Kian for what had happened. He couldn’t possibly have known what Amelia was doing to Daisy when he’d spoken to her on the phone; no one could, because no normal person’s mind worked that way.

Except hers had. She’d heard Daisy screaming and she’d made herself believe it was her overactive imagination.

Since Kian’s accident that everyone knew was a suicide attempt, though no one called it that, he had withdrawn even more deeply into himself. No one mentioned Daisy any more. The way he flinched on hearing her name, as though they’d struck him, made everyone feel so bad that they’d decided it was best to respect his need for silence. Fortunately one of Aileen’s neighbours was a GP who kept a close eye on him, and also put Aileen in touch with a psychiatrist. However, Kian didn’t want to engage with anyone. His only wish was to be left alone. He couldn’t even seem to help himself in order to relieve the strain on his mother, who had aged terribly over the past three years.

So had Jules, she could feel it in her heart and her bones, in the way she moved and even thought; and she could definitely see it in the way she looked. Her eyes were bruised and shadowed by grief, the droop of her mouth made her look as unhappy as she constantly was, the grey in her hair was a reminder of everything she needed to forget, yet would never be able to. Maybe, after more years had gone by, she would find it easier to smile again, or be able to go for hours at a time without thinking about her precious girl and wondering what she’d be like now, whether she’d be in the States with Joe, making it big as a director in Hollywood or New York, becoming a mother herself.

Knowing it was never going to happen had been the hardest truth to accept. She still hadn’t managed it, none of them had. Their lives remained in pieces while Amelia Quentin was being allowed to start hers all over again, or pick up where she’d left off – or choose some other unsuspecting, generous-hearted girl to befriend and butcher.

‘Jules, is that you?’

The line was crackling, the voice was a long way away, but Jules knew instantly who it was. ‘Yes, it’s me,’ she shouted with a rare smile. ‘How are you, Stephie? Where are you?’

‘I’m on an island called Ko Lanta, just off Thailand. I caught up with my emails this morning. I can’t believe the bitch is being released?’

Sinking down at the table, Jules said, ‘I’m afraid so, even earlier than we expected. Your mum told you?’

‘Yes, she did. Everyone did. This is all such an effing stitch-up! Everyone’s in on it, even the bloody parole board it seems. It’s just not right, Jules. That nutjob is a total psycho. She’s not safe to be on the streets.’

Though Jules might agree, all she could say was, ‘There’s nothing we can do, apart from stay out of her way. Did you hear she’s going back to Crofton Park?’

‘What! You have to be kidding me. Why the hell would she want to go there after …? Jesus Christ, she is
seriously
sick. Can you stop her?’

‘I don’t think so, but I’m told she won’t be allowed to come near me.’

‘Too bloody right she shouldn’t. So when does she come out?’

‘This Friday, apparently.’

‘That soon? But it’s OK, I should be able to get back by then.’

Jules’s eyes flew open. ‘What are you talking about? You’ve hardly been gone a month …’

‘I don’t care. No way am I letting you stay there on your own while that psycho bitch is around. What the f … is everyone thinking, letting her go back to Crofton Park?’

‘It’ll be fine, Stephie, I promise. She doesn’t scare me, so please, you mustn’t break off your trip …’

‘Have you been in touch with Joe? Does he know about this?’

‘Yes, he does. He starts his European tour in a couple of weeks, so he’ll be here …’

‘That’s great. I’ll message him as soon as I’m off the phone. And what about Kian? How’s he taken it?’

‘No one’s told him yet. His mother and I thought it was best that he didn’t know. It won’t help him.’

‘Mm, maybe not. Jesus Christ, if that bitch only knew the damage she’s done … Even if she did she wouldn’t care. I bet Kian’s family have had something to say about her early release, which is why I don’t get her wanting to go back to Crofton Park. She’s met Danny, she’s got to know that no one wants her around … I guess she doesn’t care about that either. Anyway, I’ll text or phone as soon as I’ve booked my flight …’

‘Stephie …’

‘Jules! If you have the time please get my room ready, because no matter what you say I’m coming home,’ and before Jules could protest any further the line went dead.

Hanging up her end, Jules had no idea whether she wanted to laugh or cry. She loved Stephie so much and knowing she was coming, that she actually
wanted
to come, was so moving and uplifting that she felt almost afraid of how much it mattered.

Of course, she should have told Stephie herself about the release, and she would have had she not guessed that Stephie would react this way. She was twenty-one now and needed to get on with her life as much as the rest of them. This year out of uni was supposed to be helping her to do that, though Jules knew that her mother, Tina, was still worried. This was the third university course Stephie had abandoned, and she still had no idea what she wanted to do with her future.

Please get my room ready because I’m coming home.

How wonderful it felt to know that Stephie thought of this as her home, which it kind of had been since she’d started her attempts at uni. With her problematic older brother, his equally problematic wife and two small children taking up all the extra space in Stephie’s parents’ house, Stephie herself had asked Jules if she could rent a room with her whenever she came back to Kesterly. Jules had been delighted, but of course had never charged Stephie a penny, and had made sure, before sealing the deal, that Tina didn’t think she was trying to use her daughter to replace Daisy.

What Tina thought was that she’d love to come and live with Jules from time to time too, it would be as good as a month in a spa in comparison to all the goings-on in their house.

‘You think when they grow up that they’ll go away and leave you alone,’ she’d complained, before realising who she was talking to.

‘It’s OK,’ Jules assured her, ‘I know it’s not always easy being a parent, and just as long as you don’t think I’m trying to be that for Stephie …’

‘What I think is that you’ll enjoy spending time together. It might even help you both to heal.’

So that was what they’d done for the past couple of years, house-shared whenever Stephie was in Kesterly, and it was odd, in fact totally unexpected, how being with Stephie often helped Jules to bear things a little better. Stephie spoke about Daisy as freely as if she might walk in the door at any minute. No one else ever did that, apart from Jules when she was with Stephie. Of course they shed tears together too, and talked about all the terrible things they hoped were happening to Amelia, and how desperately they dreaded them happening to Dean.

Occasionally she and Steph would make the two-mile drive down the hill to Hope Cove, where they’d scattered Daisy’s ashes on the beach; or they’d post songs, or film links, or anything they felt would be of interest to Daisy on her Facebook page. It was surprising, and moving, how many of Daisy’s friends still did the same, especially around the time of her birthday or anniversary of her death.
Hey, Daisy Daze, thought you’d love this singer. Take a look at these guys, Daze, amazing dancers, don’t know how they do it. This made me think of you, and how much we all still miss you
.

Jules was at her computer now, intending to get on with some work, but wondering what Daisy would say about her killer going free so soon after the girl had ripped their lives apart.