The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (15 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle—a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze—perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.”

There once was a fellow named Dave

Who dug up a whore from her grave

She was moldy as shit

And missing a tit

But think of the money he saved!

Tony had been feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “Tony, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first surgeon to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And, you’re single. So just let it go.”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Tony, you’re a veterinary surgeon...”

A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s 2 o’clock.”

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By golly, you are right!”

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian lying on a blanket. “Don’t tell me... You’re telling time too?”

The Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”

“Okay, smart ass, what time is it?”

The Indian looks up at the sun, then down and says, “It’s 4 o’clock.”

The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. “Don’t tell me you’re telling time!”

The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!”

Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it.”

Two men were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the men got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his hands and said, “Can you swallow?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Can you breathe?”

Again she shakes her head. “No.”

The man grabs her around the waist with one of his hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her ass! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The man pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!” he says to his friend.

“Well, I’ll tell you, that hind lick maneuver works every time!”