The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (14 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A. They don’t have time.

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody at the party except you.

A man calls in to work and says, “Sorry, I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”

The boss says, “How sick are you?”

“Well,” the man replies, “you judge—I’m in bed with my sister.”

On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they’re waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone’s ever asked. Let me go and find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

What if it doesn’t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.

“Christ!” St. Peter exclaims. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”

Bob goes into the public bathroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor guy is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Errr, OK, I’ll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold, red rashes and scabs all over it, and it smells dreadful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, which Bob does. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your prick?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I’m not touching it.”

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,

“Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord said, “Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”