THE GIFT (3 page)

“I’m an excellent driver...excellent driver,” he replied in his best “rain man” impression. Amanda laughed nervously. This was a very big deal. If everything went just as she hoped, she would be able to see again soon. She cautioned herself again not to get too excited. The doctor had warned her about the chances that this might not work. She had suffered a lot of damage that might prevent a successful transfer. As they pulled up to the hospital, she could feel herself shaking all over. This was it. Now was the moment of truth.

She wasn’t surprised to hear her mother’s voice as they walked to the entrance. It was accompanied by that of her Aunt, who had just arrived for a week’s visit when the call came. They had been there waiting on them to arrive. When she reached for Amanda’s hands, they were shaking every bit as much as her daughters were. It was obvious that she was just as nervous as Amanda. She flagged down a nearby nurse to tell her that Amanda was ready and the nurse had apparently been instructed to take her right back as she whisked her away to a small room where the doctor would speak with her prior to surgery. She fidgeted there as she waited.

“Good afternoon, Amanda. It looks like we are going to see about getting some light back in your life today? I know that we have talked about all of this before, but I want to go over it with you one last time prior to taking you in to prep for surgery. You will be given a mild sedative and your eyes will be numbed to prevent movement. However, you will be awake for the duration unless there are complications that require us to give you a general anesthesia. Don’t be scared. I’ve done this surgery many times and have a high rate of success,” he said.

“Okay,” Amanda replied, but she knew her voice was no more convincing than she felt. He wasn’t her regular doctor, but a specialist called in just for the transplant.

“Basically, we will make a very precise incision around your cornea and remove it from your eye. We will replace that with the donor cornea and stitch it into place with tiny little threads that will hold it in place. That is all there is to it. Afterwards, you will have to wear metal eye shields for a few days to protect it while it heals. I don’t want you to think that you are going to suddenly see everything, because you will be covered in protective bandages for at least a few days. After that, we will remove the bandages and you will be able to see a bit, but it will take time for your vision to improve with the new corneal transplants. I just don’t want you to be discouraged when the bandages come off and things may still be blurry for a while,” he said softly.

“I’ll be happy to even see shapes at this point,” Amanda confided. It was true. She missed the light more than anything.

“Good, because that may be all that you start with. We’ll just have to wait and see how much vision you have before we can know how successful the transplant has gone. Of course, there can be complications such as rejection or outright failure due to other issues like damage that goes deeper than just the cornea, but your initial tests don’t indicate that as a problem, so we can only hope for the best outcome. Now, time is our most critical factor, so let’s get you in a gown and on a table. You ready to rock and roll?” he asked enthusiastically.

“Like a guitar hero getting new strings, doc,” she said with an anxious laugh.

“That’s my girl. Let’s get you on the road to watching sunsets,” he said. A nurse so quiet that Amanda hadn’t even realized she was there touched her softly on the arm and guided her to the next room, helping her change into a gown and cleaning her face carefully. Within a matter of moments, she was on a table and an anesthetist was introducing himself before telling her what he was about to do. Her eyes were numbed and she was given a shot.

“This is a very special sedative, Amanda. You will be alert so that you can respond to the doctor as needed, but you won’t remember it when it wears off. Can you count backwards from ten for me?” She barely made it to three before she faded into a deeper darkness than she already knew. When she came to in what she assumed was the recovery area, there was still only darkness and she felt a little panicky, though the doctor had told her this would be the case. Her mouth felt like cotton and she hoarsely asked if anyone was there.

“Yes, dear. I’m here. My name is Valerie and I’m going to take good care of you. What do you need?” she asked in a southern twang.

“Water. So thirsty...” Amanda croaked.

“I can’t give you any water until the sedative finishes wearing off, but I will get you some ice chips to rub on your lips and let dissolve on your tongue. I’ll let the doctor know you are awake while I’m at it,” she told her.

“Thank you,” Amanda said quietly.

“You’re welcome, honey. I’ll be right back.” Amanda could hear her padding outside the door and a moment later, heavier steps returned, followed by the nurse again.

“Amanda, it’s Dr. Sulu, your new favorite doctor. We have done a fantastic job on your eyes and I think you will be pleased when the bandages come off. So far, everything looks excellent. We have shields and bandages in place to protect your eyes and will remove those in a few days,” he told her. Amanda nodded as the nurse slowly fed her small amounts of ice chips. She felt hopeful again. Three days was going to take forever to go by, but she would get through it.

“All right, I’m going to leave you in the care of the nurse. You should be ready to go to your room in about another hour. Let me caution you that you cannot remove your bandages or shields under any circumstances. We absolutely cannot risk any damage or infection. Understood?” he asked.

“Yes, I understand,” she replied. She knew it would be difficult not to jump the gun, but she also knew that she would certainly not risk screwing up what might be her only chance to see again.

“Okay. Just relax here with Valerie for a while longer while the anesthesia wears off and then she will get you to your room where your parents will be waiting. I’ll check in on you later,” he said.

“Thank you, doctor,” she replied. Her heart was beating rapidly just thinking about what was going to happen when the bandages came off. It seemed like another eternity that she lay there waiting, having her vitals checked and rechecked and being given periodic ice chips by Valerie. She was grateful when another nurse came in to help her into a chair so that she could at least get back to her room. Several days later, she felt just as nervous waiting for the doctor to come in and remove the bandages.

“Okay, Amanda. Here we go. Let’s see just exactly how well we did, shall we?” he asked. She felt his hands on the side of her head and the sound of the tape as he began peeling away the gauze layers.

“See you in a minute, Doc,” she said, her voice a little shaky.

“I certainly hope so, Amanda,” he responded as he pulled away the last of the gauze. There was no light, no shadowy figures, no blurry images. There was only darkness, still. Amanda’s heart stopped and she felt a knot form in the pit of her stomach. She was going to be ill.

“We’re looking real good so far. Let’s get these metal shields off and see what you can see, my dear. Nurse, can you flip the lights off. We don’t want it to be too bright in here when these come off,” the doctor said after a moment. Amanda’s heart started again, beating wildly as she realized she had forgotten about the shields that kept out any light while she healed. Moments later, she saw the first grayish rays of light as her eyes began to focus.

“Oh, my God! I can see!” she squealed. Her mother gasped loudly and uttered her thankfulness aloud. Though they were blurry, Amanda could see her mother turn toward her father. He wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair. Amanda couldn’t quite make out his features, but she knew he was smiling.

“Great. I won’t have to go back to medical school,” the doctor teased. “Let’s see how well you can see. First let me put some drops in your eyes. You will have to put these in several times a day to keep them well hydrated and you will have to wear the shields at night so that your eyes are protected. We’ll change your routine according to how well we see that you are healing during your post-opt visits.”

After a few small eye tests to assess her vision, he told her that her vision was good for this stage and would improve over the next few weeks. Once it seemed to even out and they could see exactly how well she could see, she could get fitted for glasses. Amanda wasn’t thrilled with that idea since she had never had to wear glasses before, but she supposed it was a small price to pay for having vision again.

“Will I be able to wear contacts at some point?” she asked.

“Eventually, but not for a while. First we need to get you healed up. You will still have stitches for several months, perhaps longer. Once we get those removed, we can discuss switching to contacts and the considerable care they will require so that you don’t risk infection,” the doctor responded.

“When can I go home?” Amanda asked, eager to get back to her life, to start her renewed life.

“Just as soon as we finish up here and get your paperwork ready to release you. Does that sound good?” he asked.

“Sounds great! Thank you so much, Doc. You’ve really given me the world here. I don’t know how I can ever repay you,” she said.

“It was all my pleasure, Amanda. Now, let’s get you some prescriptions for your drops and instructions on putting the shields in place and get you out of here. I’m going to turn you over to Nurse Bennett over here and we’ll call it a day,” he said with a smile that she could almost make out.

She thanked him again, as did her parents. As she watched him exit the room, she noted a tall, dark figure standing outside the window. He seemed to be looking in through the slants in the blinds as if he was interested in what was going on there. She wondered who he was, but the thought was overridden by her excitement that she was even able to see him standing there. Quickly refocusing on what the nurse had to tell her about caring for her new eyesight, she dismissed him from her mind and the next time she looked over, he was gone.

With instructions, a handful of supplies, prescriptions and the hideously awful plastic sunglasses they provided to protect her from the sudden glare of sunlight outside, Amanda was excited to leave the hospital finally. As they wheeled her out, she saw the man again...at least she thought it was him. He was sitting quietly in a nearby waiting area adjacent to her room and he looked up at her as she rolled past. She could see him much clearer now that her eyes had focused a bit and he was closer to her. In fact, she could see him well enough to make out the pain in his eyes. She wondered who he was waiting for.

“That man. He looks so sad,” she commented to the nurse as they moved down the hallway away from him.

“Mr. Remington...yes, he just lost someone. I’m not sure why he is sitting there. Perhaps he just still feels her presence here. People deal with grief in funny ways sometimes,” the nurse told her.

“Poor man. I hope he finds some peace soon. I know how it feels,” Amanda replied. In fact, she knew all too well how it felt. There had been no one in her life since the accident. For a long time, she could only think of Dan and after the unbearable pain subsided, she couldn’t forget her handicap. Her emotions had run the gamut from suicidal thoughts, to self-pity, to finally accepting things for what they were and dealing with her new way of life. Still, there were things she had wondered from within the darkness.

One of her biggest thoughts was whether she was ugly. Amanda had always been beautiful and thought she had never considered herself egotistical about it, she was aware that she was very attractive. She knew the accident had left scars, but could only feel them with her hands. She had no idea what she looked like, even now. The nurse had given her a mirror, but her vision wasn’t improved enough to see herself clearly at the time. Now, only hours later, she realized that she had been able to see the man’s face. So, by the time she got home, she would be able to see her own.

There was a mixture of happiness and anxiety about that prospect, as she didn’t know just how much it might have changed since she looked at it last. The scars that remained, she had felt them many times and she was concerned about whether they looked as bad as they felt. A dark cloud settled over her for a moment. She had to make herself realize that she was incredibly lucky to be here and to be able to see again, even if that vision did reveal a much diminished appearance from the fresh faced eighteen year old girl who last graced her mirror.

Her parents had arrived separately so that one could take her directly home and the other could stop by to pick up whatever supplies they would need once they knew her final condition. Slipping into the seat of her mother’s car, she spotted a pair of her mother’s sunglasses lying in the center console. She reached for them and slipped them over the wrap around plastic ones the hospital had provided her. Pulling down the rearview mirror on the sun flap overhead, she looked at herself...at least what she could see with the huge glasses on her face.

There were a few scars, but nothing she couldn’t hide with makeup. Of course, she knew that the worst ones were around her eyes and she would have to wait to see those when she could afford to take off the sunglasses at home. Despite her admonitions to herself that she should not be vain, she found herself worrying about what she would see again even though she had been walking around looking however she looked for the past five years. The first year had been the hardest, but she had eventually gotten past her former vanity and accepted that this was the way things were. It was only now, on the verge of seeing herself again, that she felt her concerns creeping back in where there should just be gratitude.

At home, her mother parked and then waited for Amanda to get out of the car. Knowing that Amanda was a stickler for doing things for herself, she then walked on down the sidewalk to the front door and unlocked it, waiting for Amanda to catch up a little before going ahead in. She had no way of knowing that Amanda had always been fully aware that even though her mother observed from a distance as if she was not keeping a watchful eye on her blind daughter, she had always been nearby until she was sure Amanda was safely in place wherever she was going. It was the light scent of her body lotion that gave her away, but Amanda let her do what she felt like she must.

“The door is open, Amanda,” her mother cautioned her from inside.

“I know, Mom. I can
see
it,” Amanda responded with a little laugh.

“Oh, geez. I’m sorry honey. It’s just a habit,” her mother said, embarrassed.

“I know, Mom. I honestly always knew when the door was left open for me because I could hear you opening it and not closing it, but I knew you liked to tell me, so I let you,” Amanda confided.

“I see. So, now we will be revealing just how much you have tolerated from your over protective parents for the past five years?” her mother laughed.

“No, the past twenty three,” Amanda teased.

“Yeah, this is going to be fun. Well, since you are so independent now, I guess I will go make us some lunch while you get reacquainted with your room. Your father should be here in just a bit with your stuff from the pharmacy,” her mother told her on her way to the kitchen.

Amanda barely heard her as she was already walking slowly up the stairs, admiring the woodwork of the banister her father had purchased from a shop that did custom carving. There were markings embedded in the pattern that told her what step she was on as she walked up and down the stairs to her room even though she had long since learned to count as she went. Though he had told her about it and shown her how to read the markings after he had it installed, she had never realized how beautiful the scroll pattern he had selected actually was. One would never realize it served a greater purpose than any usual banister.

Walking into her room, she caught her reflection in the large mirror that formed the back of an antique dresser that had belonged to her grandmother. She was afraid to turn toward it for a moment, taking a deep breath before bringing herself to confront her reflection in the mirror. Pulling a nearby chair over, she sat down to face herself for the first time in years.

She steeled herself and pulled away the sunglasses to expose the entirety of her face. Even with the lights off in her room and only the sun shining in through the blinds, she winced at the sudden influx of light. After a few moments, she was able to focus at the stranger in her mirror.

There they were. The tiny scars that she had grown accustomed to touching over the years were visible, but not nearly as bad as she had thought. Time had faded them to thin little pink lines that a good concealer would remedy. She breathed a sigh of relief. Though she knew it was somewhat shallow, the prospect of overcoming blindness only to find that she was some sort of monstrosity had bothered her much more than it should. It was one of those things that you couldn’t really admit to anyone because you knew they would think you ungrateful, but that you still felt inside.

“There’s my beautiful girl,” her father sang happily as he walked into her open doorway with bags from the pharmacy and laid them in front of her on the dresser. He looked over her shoulder at her reflection in the mirror and smiled. Amanda was struck by how much he had aged since she saw him last and felt sad that she had most definitely been responsible for some of that.

“Thanks, Dad. It feels weird. Who knew that something as simple as sight could seem so strange?” she told him.

“It’s been a long, hard road, but you are going to be okay, kiddo,” he told her.

“I know. The banister is beautiful, by the way. I had no idea that it was so much more than just functional,” she told him.

“Yes, they did an incredible job with my rough sketches. Now, let’s get some of these drops in your eyes. Can you manage or do you need my help?” he asked.

“I can manage. Thank you for everything,” she told him, feeling near tears. She wasn’t sure why she felt so unexpectedly emotional, but she did. He patted her lightly on the shoulder and turned to leave.

Amanda’s eyes focused on a picture frame that sat on her dresser. She walked over and picked it up. She had never seen these pictures before and they almost made her weep. One was of her and Dan as they stood together in the entryway, getting ready to go to prom. He was smiling that same smile he always had when she was around him and she found herself aching to see him again. The other was the picture of all of them kicking up their heels as they exited the burger joint. It was the last picture taken of any of them before the wreck and looking at it broke her heart.

Amanda turned the pictures downward so that she didn’t have to look at them. It still hurt too much to see those faces even after all of this time. She thought about the man on the phone today and how he was hurting so much because the one he loved died and she realized that she was no different five years ago when she woke up from what seemed like a horrible nightmare.