The Gaze of Caprice (The Caprice Trilogy Book 1) (78 page)

              “
I did what I had to do, exactly what I had to
,” said Mr. Li, “
I survived.  You couldn’t understand that.  You can’t understand that.  With you, you ran.  You don’t understand what you do when you have to survive.  You ran away for better opportunities.  Survival was the opportunity for me.  You can’t understand this because you’re weak, just like her
.”  Xiaofeng stood up from her seated position.  She moved as quick as Mr. Li could.  She held the same fury when facing an opponent.  She faced him.  And she slapped him where his tattoo wasn’t, on his face.

              “
How can you talk about her
?” said Xiaofeng, “
You never knew her.  She was stronger than you ever knew, better than you ever knew; better than us both
.”

              “
You say I’m a killer
,” said Mr. Li, “
So was she.  She just couldn’t go through with it
.”

              “
What are you talking about
?” said Xiaofeng.

              “
She used to go to the hospital and wait outside and think about going inside to have them cut me out
,” said Mr. Li, “
She had murder on her mind too
.”

              “
Who told you that
?” asked Xiaofeng.

              “
I felt it
,” said Mr. Li, “
It’s how I’ve survive this long.  I know when someone wants to kill me.  I can feel it.  It’s the first thing I ever felt.  You have so much respect for her but she wanted to kill me
.”  Xiaofeng looked down at Mr. Li’s feet.  She didn’t say anything.

              “
She didn’t want to kill you
,” said Xiaofeng.

              “
I’m telling you she did
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
I’m telling you she didn’t
,” said Xiaofeng, “
She went to the hospital several times and every time she’d comeback saying she couldn’t get rid of you.  She said you couldn’t be punished; you had a reason to be.  We fought forever over you.  When she died she made me promise to take care of you.  I said yes because it was my way to repair the relationship before we had no time at all.  You affected our relationship absolutely.  We barely spoke the last months before you were born; it was all over you.  She didn’t go to the hospital because she wanted to abort you.  She did it because I wanted her to
.”  Mr. Li looked at her with the feeling coughing up.  The only control he had over the feeling was that he felt it before, when he stood over Deni Tam’s bullet-pierced body.  The feeling for revenge was the most needing of gratification.  It trumped lust for inability to control.  The only thing that held him back was the training of a puppy.  The feeling he had early adopted that he couldn’t use violence on his own sister.  In that moment he could fully understand her, the frustration of dealing with a sibling who was unwanted.  He handled the situation just as she had.  He turned around along with his frustration and walked out of the room, leaving his sister on the other side of the door.

              Xiaofeng slept.  She had no choice.  Her body and mind needed rest.  When the door shut, she no longer had to fight her brother but had to take care of herself.  She peeled back the covers and put herself between them.  Her body crunched as much sleep as it could before her nerves shook, enough to wake her up.  Her nerves wouldn’t lay still, neither could she.  She sat up on the bed.  It was half passed ten in the morning.  Her body was heavy; it weighed on the mattress.  She still felt the weight of meat and bone as she stretched her arms and twisted her torso.  Her sleep had been deep but she felt the groggy stain of going to bed early in the morning.  The feeling was somewhere between body and body bag.  Her mind wasn’t working to heights but it was working through the grogginess.  She remembered most of what had happened the night before—not everything—but the hills and valleys.

She went from the bed to the floor putting her knees down on the carpet and head down on the bed.  She wrapped her arms around her head and took solace in the darkness created when her eyes closed.  She tried to cry but her eyes were too dry.  She was still dehydrated.  Her head throbbed.  Her meandering mind oscillated.  She wished she could take back what she said the night before while knowing it was true.  The truth was on the table and she cried about it.  It wasn’t like when her mother died, not like when she left her brother.  She cried but she capped it.  She was more mature than she needed to be.  Her life was a response to life.  She said and did as much as she could without control over her circumstance.  She was a bridge between one generation of her family and the other.  Bridges had to be stable but people didn’t.  To be both would lead to bed-crying moments.  She didn’t inherit her mother’s strength like her brother but she trained in it.  She had watched her mother from day-to-day.  Her mother wasn’t a crier.  Xiaofeng cried but made a point to be bad at it.  When it was time to stop, she stopped.  She looked toward the bathroom with old habits coming back.  Her mother woke and fed her, delivered her to school and back and made her supper.  Like her mother, she had developed a routine.  Routine was a sanctuary for the living.  It was life’s mechanism and kept it going.  She showered and dried and kept going.  She changed into the same clothes she wore, the only clothes she had.  She left the room determined to find her brother. 

Finding her brother wasn’t an obstacle.  Her brother was the obstacle.  She tripped over his body and tumbled forward.  He was sleeping before she woke and before she tripped.  He went out the door but he didn’t go.  The door closed but he stayed.  He slept outside her door.  He needed rest as much as she did.  He just couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her, so he slept outside.  She woke up then woke him up.  It was and off chance but it was easy to find him. 

              He was groggier than she was.  His sleep and life were rougher, but it was fine for him.  He was used to it.  The after effect was the same, a hangover.  He woke up trying to shake it off.  He looked up at her.  The look lasted for both of them.  She had fallen to the opposite side of the hall.  She sat up at the same time as him, eyes meeting from across the hall.  The look lasted on both sides, from brother to sister. 

              “
What time is it
?” said Mr. Li.

              “
Just after 11:00am
,” said Xiaofeng.

              “
Do you have a class this morning
?” asked Mr. Li.

              “
Two o’clock
,” said Xiaofeng.

              “
Ok
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
How do you feel
?” asked Xiaofeng.

              “
Good
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
You wanna sit here all day
?” asked Xiaofeng.  Mr. Li shook his head.

              “
Well
,” said Xiaofeng, “
I have somewhere to be
.”

              “
It might not be the best idea
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
Wha
t?” asked Xiaofeng.

              “
To go to the University
,” said Mr. Li, “
It’s the same as going home.  They know they can find you there
.”

              “
Mama
dealt with everything by sticking with her routine
,” said Xiaofeng, “
That’s what I do.  I learned it from her.  I want you to do it too.  You do whatever it is that you do.  If they can find me you can too.  So you know where I’ll be
.”  The message was clear.  Mr. Li nodded his head in understanding.  They readied themselves and went to the front desk.  Mr. Li cancelled his second night’s stay and requested taxi service.  He took Xiaofeng by a retail shop for better clothes.  The ride and the skirt suit were on him.  The taxi stopped on Veteran Avenue next to the UCLA campus.  Xiaofeng got out of the car carrying her skirt suit on a hook.  She would change in her office.

              “
You’re ok
?” asked Mr. Li.

              “
Yeah
,” said Xiaofeng, “
I’ll get a friend to take me home
.”

              “
Ok
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
You know how to find me
,” said Xiaofeng, “
I will see you, won’t I
?”  Mr. Li nodded with conviction.  Xiaofeng smiled before closing the car door to block his face.  She turned around and walked comfortably.  A renewed confidence found her as she absorbed familiar surroundings.  Mr. Li watched her walk away before ordering the driver on to Van Nuys.

              He returned to the warehouse at a quarter to one but couldn’t return to control of it.  The five men had called the warehouse home for a week.  They had settled into a routine.  Mr. Li didn’t have to tell them to box and stack their weapons.  They did it themselves.  The relationship between the Jade Soldier and the Shelter Ones had developed organically.  They were supposed to follow his lead, but in his absence they filled the gap.  And they didn’t ask questions.  They had packed the warehouse and themselves.  Mr. Li was involved in the business of his sister and forgot about his brothers.  The five men were scheduled for a 6:50pm flight back to Hong Kong.  They sat around the warehouse fully dressed, ready to go.  Mr. Li was still in his sleep clothes, still feeling the night’s leftovers.  He had forgotten about the flight.  Although the five men were boarding the same plane, he sent them to the airport in waves.  The first wave was Wang Xi, Li Tao and Yi Le.  Liu Ping drove the
Escort
and dropped the three men off at the curb.  It was 1:27pm.  Liu Ping drove back to the warehouse changed clothes and waited along with Mr. Li and Huang Sitian.  His return interrupted the otherwise silent warehouse.  Mr. Li exploited the downtime to catch up on sleep.  Huang Sitian had questions.  He just didn’t ask them.  One-on-one with the Jade Soldier, he decided not to wake the dragon.  By the time Liu Ping returned to the warehouse, the dragon was awake but not talking.  He entered the stagnant warehouse losing his livelihood along with it.  It was in and out.  As he walked in, his feeling went out.  The lack of life in the warehouse was immediate.  Instead of five, he was met with two.  The atmosphere was silent, the drag of gameover—nothing left to do.  The excitement that came from seeing Mr. Li again was gone.  Whether outsider or insider, being around him was like nothing else.  Now they were just waiting to return to Hong Kong.

 
• • •

Liu Ping was bored of Hong Kong.  Mr. Li made it more exciting.  There had been changes in the Triad organization.  Changes were stressful; dealing with them got old.  But the Triads were firm-rooted in their own traditions.  Hong Kong was trite with tradition.  It was the reason why going back felt like the end of youth.  Liu Ping admired Mr. Li.  He was the best player on their team, their best chance at winning—anything.  Mr. Li sat up on his cot and took in the view.  The reduced population and organized boxes brought him up to speed.  The week had a heist and rescue attempt accented by a reconciliation with his sister, his only blood relation.  And the lingering realization that she never wanted to be.  To her it was duty and something he could easily understand.  But in his tired frame of reference, it all seemed a figment of his imagination, the mind at work on its own.  He remembered planning the break-in at
Costas & Yeager
but that didn’t mean he had gone through with it.  Plans had a way of changing.  Seeing Huang Sitian looking bored and Liu Ping looking lost put the period on a self-imposed sentence.  Reality came round as did Mr. Li.  He told Liu Ping to drive three to the airport.  Liu Ping came back, like he said.  He looked up at Liu Ping.  Liu Ping nodded.  Huang Sitian looked over at Liu Ping.

              “
Do you need help with anything before we leave
?” asked Liu Ping.  Mr. Li laid his cheek against his right hand and spoke silently to himself.  He scrolled his eyes upward toward Liu Ping and rolled his head from side-to-side.  Liu Ping got the message.  The moment wasn’t better handled by Mr. Li.  He was likewise looking for protection against the coming nostalgia.  He was a Jade Soldier.  But even he felt the full effect of parted company.

              “
What are you going to do with all of this
?” asked Liu Ping pointing to the boxes ready with weapons and equipment.

              “
Nothing
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
You don’t want to get rid of it
?” asked Liu Ping.

              “
Not necessary
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
Why not
?” asked Liu Ping.

              “
Why do work when someone is ready to do it for you
?” said Mr. Li.

              “
Someone’s going to move these cases for you
?” said Liu Ping.  Mr. Li gave a steady nod.

              “
Who
?” asked Liu Ping.  Mr. Li held up three fingers.

              “
Three people
?” said Liu Ping.  Mr. Li shook his head.

              “
Three letters
,” said Mr. Li, “
CIA
.”

              “
Why
?” asked Liu Ping.

              “
Because they’re on the trail
,” said Mr. Li, “
The warehouse is rented till month’s end.  They’ll find it before then and clean it out.  They’ll probably be here day after tomorrow
.”

              “
Where will you be
?” asked Liu Ping.  

              “
After I leave you at the airport, I go to Virginia
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
That’s on the other side of the country
,” said Liu Ping.  Mr. Li looked at Liu Ping without saying anything.

              “
Detour
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
For what
?” asked Huang Sitian.  Mr. Li looked over his left shoulder realizing the conversation became three-way.

              “
My file
,” said Mr. Li.

              “
What file
?” asked Liu Ping.

              “
They went after my sister
,” said Mr. Li, “
The only way they know she exists is because they unsealed my file.  I’ve been dead to them for seven years.  The only way they knew to look for me is because my contact fucked me.  She’s in Virginia and so is the server with the file.  I get rid of them both, my sister and I are cleared
.”

              “
You’re going alone
?” asked Liu Ping.  Mr. Li nodded.

              “
You’re sure
?” said Huang Sitian.  Mr. Li nodded.

              “
It’s easier.  I can move quicker
,” said Mr. Li, “
The CIA doesn’t have domestic jurisdiction.  They’re not allowed to bring me in on their own, but I’m considered a high priority so they’ll send a squad after me like they did my sister.  It’ll be off channel.  They don’t want me getting taken by anyone else because of what I might say.  They’ll kill me but they really want me alive.  They want my head, literally.  They’ll chop yours off without thinking—collateral
.”  The explanation was clear enough.  Liu Ping and Huang Sitian could see Mr. Li had enough on his plate.  They didn’t want to pepper him with questions.  They wanted to play their role.  Both made sure they had everything.  When their call time came, they were ready.  Liu Ping took the passenger’s seat.  Huang Sitian was in the back seat.  Mr. Li stopped to gas up before the trip to the airport.  The airport wasn’t meant to be a stop.  It was a drop.  He left the two men on the curb at LAX with instructions to send regards to the Dragon Head, Uncle Cheung.  Liu Ping looked back to say two words,
baozhong
—take care.