The Fireman's Secret (15 page)

She grabbed his hand and tugged him back across the street to his work truck. He leaned his back against the side of the vehicle and Shelby stopped. Six or so inches separated them. They were much closer than normal friends stood. Her cheeks were flushed, probably from being in jeans and long sleeves again on a ninety-degree day.

“You were great back there. A real hero.”

Hero? Hardly. A hero would have been able to save the people on his calls last night.

Joel wiped his brow. As much as he cared about Shelby and enjoyed her company, right now he wanted to return to the station and zone out. Forget the past twelve hours had ever happened.

“Arguing with a man who could make string cheese out of me with his bare hands probably categorizes me as stupid more than anything else.”

She glanced at his face, then the ground, his face and then the sky.

The awkward tension worked against his already raw nerves. Well, he could make that disappear. “Sorry about kissing you the other night.”

Her eyes locked with his. “I’m not sorry.”

“Really? Because it sure felt like you were. You avoided me the entire time at the fund-raiser.”

“I was...confused.” She brought her hands in front of her. “I have so much...baggage. I’m afraid to bring it into a relationship. It’s the kind of stuff that will always be there. I haven’t been able to trust a man yet.” She stared at her laced fingers.

“You do realize you’re looking at the king of baggage, right?”

“But that’s different.”

Of course it was. Shelby probably hadn’t experienced anything on par with burning a church to a crisp. Speaking of which, he needed to ask her about what Chief Wheeler had said to him at the fund-raiser. How would Shelby be the one most healed by the rebuild?

“Why does rebuilding the church mean so much to you? I’ve asked you before, but you haven’t answered. Not really.”

“I guess...maybe I’m trying to bring back the past.”

Joel frowned. “I don’t want to live in the past. If we’re going to be together I need you to understand that I’m focused on the future. I’d like to leave the past where it is.”

“But the future is scary and uncertain. I don’t even know what I’m going to do for a job tomorrow.” She grimaced, but then he could tell she’d gotten an idea because her lips broke into a smile. “What about focusing on today only?”

“Today hasn’t been so great. But I get what you’re saying—live in the present—and I can do that.”

She rested her hand on his forearm. “What happened?”

“Just a rough shift.” Where he had failed people who had counted on him. If he couldn’t do a job he was trained for, why did he think he was capable of succeeding at something he knew nothing about—like a relationship? Shelby deserved better than him. Much better.

“Tell me. Please?” Her voice was so quiet he had to duck down to hear what she said.

Might as well break her bubble and tell her how un-hero-like he was.

“Can this count as my something personal to tell you today?” He’d promised to tell her one thing a day, but that hadn’t happened after she avoided him on Saturday.

“Of course.”

“We had two callouts. I couldn’t save either person.” He closed his eyes and instantly saw them—the beautiful teen girl who decided taking a handful of pills was better than facing her bullies, and then a middle-aged man with heart failure. The hopeless looks in the eyes of the man’s wife and school-aged children when Joel told them the man was gone still stung like a road rash.

“I’m so sorry.” She squeezed his arm.

“As an EMT, I’m not a stranger to death, but the people last night were...different. I can’t explain it.” He shoved his hands deep into his pants pockets. “It made me think about my own life. What am I doing all this for? You know? I’ve poured so much into my career because I had no one and nothing else, but if I die, then what? Besides Dante, no one would miss me, and I’ve done that by pulling away from anyone who’s ever tried to care. I started thinking what would happen to me if I was injured and couldn’t do my job. What would my life matter then? And it wouldn’t.”

“Your life matters, Joel. It matters to me.”

How could she say that? They hardly knew each other. Although, she probably knew him better than anyone presently.

He shook his head. “It doesn’t. Not beyond my job.” He splayed his hand over his chest. “And I’ve made it that way.”

“That was the past, so let’s not focus on that.” She placed her hand over his. “We’ll move forward. Together. Remember?”

If only it was that easy.

“Okay.” The department radio in his work truck beeped. Someone at the station was looking for him. “I have to go.”

She smiled up at him. “Real quick—would you be my date to Caleb’s wedding on Saturday? Caleb told me he invited you.”

For the first time that day, he was able to offer a genuine smile. “Sure, Shelby. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Chapter Twelve

“Y
ou’re stunning.” Shelby straightened Paige’s veil.

With beautiful styled waves in her blond hair and a fitted wedding dress that puffed out at the bottom, Paige looked like she’d walked right off the cover of a bridal magazine.

“So are you.” Paige wrapped her arm around Shelby’s shoulders. “Green’s a good color on you.”

Standing next to Paige and seeing their reflections in the wide mirror together should have made Shelby happy, but she couldn’t help comparing herself to her almost sister-in-law and finding that she came up short. While Paige’s smile was straight and white, Shelby had a crooked bottom tooth. Paige’s hair and skin shimmered with a healthy glow and Shelby’s makeup lacked any pop. Caleb often told Shelby he couldn’t tell the difference when she did and didn’t wear makeup—which he meant as a compliment, but it felt more like him saying she didn’t know how to put on the stuff. It looked as though he was right.

Her mom never had taught Shelby any of the womanly secrets to beauty. They hadn’t sat down in front of the mirror for a teaching session. She hadn’t been shown different ways to enhance her eyes or cheekbones or how to cover up the freckles that pranced across her nose. And Mom hadn’t shown her how to style her hair. For the past twenty years—or practically her whole life—Shelby’s hairstyle had been the same. Too afraid of what people in Goose Harbor would think if she made a drastic change, she’d stayed the same. She hadn’t rocked the boat and had tried to be someone who didn’t cause any issues or need extra attention.

In doing so, she’d become someone who was easy to overlook and forget.

Shelby ran her hands up and down her arms and felt the patches of fire-damaged skin.

It all made sense. Mom hadn’t seen her as beautiful. Because Shelby hadn’t been and never would be. Not with the burns, and Mom had known that. She would have been wasting her time to show Shelby makeup and hair techniques.

Shelby yanked the matching blazer for her dress off the back of the chair where she’d placed it earlier. So far this morning, only Paige and Maggie had been getting ready in the nursery-turned-bride’s room in the church where the wedding ceremony was to be held. Both of them had seen Shelby’s scars before, so they didn’t stare or ask questions. It had been nice to walk around all morning without wearing the constricting blazer. Now, with less than forty minutes until the wedding march, Shelby needed the security that came with covering up. No doubt the photographer would pop in at any moment and snap a few candid shots.

Her sudden dark mood didn’t match the bright colors on the walls where murals depicted scenes from the Bible. Or the knee-high chairs in every color of the rainbow grouped around each of the four small tables in the room. Shelby stared at the toy bins that lined the wall opposite the door and the row of cribs situated away from the windows. Not including the rehearsal the night before, she’d never been to this church before. Caleb and Paige had chosen the church because it had a huge lot that backed up to a forest preserve. Paige wanted an outdoor wedding and they’d picked a great location.

“Are you okay?” Paige had quietly taken up residence by her side again.

“Me?” Shelby startled. “Of course.”

Her future sister-in-law gently turned Shelby so she could look her in the eyes. “It means a lot to me to have you standing up beside me, and even more that we’re going to be sisters.”

“Aren’t you nervous for today? You’re sounding so levelheaded.” Shelby winked at her. “Shouldn’t you be having a last-minute freak-out? I think that’s standard issue for a bride right about now.”

Paige shook her head. “No worries here. Caleb is...well, to me, Caleb is home.” She shrugged. “That probably makes no sense whatsoever, but I can’t think of a better way to say it.”

In a room nearby, the cellist and singer began to practice the song they would perform while Caleb and Paige prayed with the pastor during the ceremony. The cello’s deep, soulful notes filled the room.

The performer started to sing. “‘I will always stay beside you. We’ll celebrate the best of times and hold each other during all of life’s storms.’”

The singer’s rich voice mixed with the cello in perfect harmony. Shelby swallowed hard as the words worked their way to her heart. Who would hold her when life’s storms hit? She wanted someone beside her—more than ever. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to be noticed. Was it so bad to desire attention and love?

But she’d have to ponder relationships and her future another day, because today the focus needed to stay on Paige and Caleb. They couldn’t spend time feeling bad for her when they were supposed to be celebrating.

She offered Paige a big smile. “I probably haven’t told you enough, but I’m glad you came into my brother’s life when you did. Caleb was really messed up for a while after Sarah’s death.”

“Oh, when we met, I was just as lost as he was.”

“True. But you were fresh off a breakup. It’s not like you had any time to process or heal.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it had been a day or two years since I’d experienced the pain. In this life we’re all fresh off some hurt or let down. The fact is, everyone carries around baggage. Every single one of us. But once you find someone who loves you with the scars, just hang on to them, okay?”

Scars.
Did she have to use that word?

Shelby fixed her vision on a cartoon hippo painted on the wall near a depiction of baby Moses in a basket. “What if the person doesn’t know about the scars?” she whispered.

Paige took her hand. “Then it might be about time to decide if the man is worth trusting. If so, then tell him, and after that, when you work up the courage, show him.”

“Not today.” Shelby released Paige’s hand. “I couldn’t. Not with everyone here. I’m wearing this blazer.” She grabbed the bottom of the garment for emphasis.

“Of course not today.” Paige snagged Shelby’s arm, stopping her from fidgeting. “No one wants to make you uncomfortable. But someday you’ll have to tell someone about your secret, and the longer you put it off, the harder it will be to explain why you didn’t believe he should know. That or he’s going to wonder if you question his character.”

Shelby bit her bottom lip. As usual, Paige was right—especially when it came to Joel. “And given Joel’s background with all the foster care problems, he probably already has trust issues. So learning I kept something so big from him could upset him.”

“I don’t know Joel at all, but I wonder if he’ll be honored that you’d trust him with such personal information.” She paused and her eyes lit up. “Yes, I think he’ll react by—”

A knock sounded on the door and Maggie popped her head inside. “Are you girls ready?”

“Is it time?” Paige grinned.

Joel would react how? Shelby’s stomach dropped. If it hadn’t been Paige’s wedding day, she would have brought the conversation back to her and Joel, but they’d spent enough time talking about Shelby’s problems today. The conversation had to be left where it was. Today was Paige’s day, after all.

“Almost.” Maggie squeezed in through the almost-closed door before shutting it quickly. She’d been darting in and out all day and hadn’t wanted to open the door all the way in case someone saw Paige before the wedding started. “It’s time to pray, then the photographer will come in and then it’s showtime, ladies.”

“I can’t wait.” Shelby laughed.

“Me, too.” Paige nudged Shelby. “This will go down in history as one of my favorite days ever.”

As Maggie motioned for them to take seats around a kid-sized table, Shelby couldn’t help but silently agree with Paige. This would be a great day. And some of the pleasure for her came from the fact that Caleb had wrangled Joel into walking with Shelby down the aisle and standing up as his second groomsman.

* * *

Truth be known, Joel’s usual mode of operation included skipping wedding celebrations. Who needed a reminder that many people grew up and enjoyed happy, functional lives?

Not him.

Yet he’d shown up for Caleb’s big day, and not just that, he’d let himself get talked into being a last-minute groomsman. Thankfully, they’d kept the ceremony portion short. Joel hadn’t picked the best shoes to wear, and standing any longer would have caused blisters to form. He’d bought the dress shoes years ago and couldn’t remember ever wearing them. The uneven ground had been hard to stand on comfortably, too, although Shelby and Maggie probably had the harder time of it in their heels. At one point he’d caught Shelby’s eye and she’d mouthed
I’m sinking!
Sure enough, her high dress shoes had been stuck an inch deep in the ground when they’d tried to walk back down the aisle.

As he made his way around the back of the church, the words from the song sung during the ceremony ran through his mind.

I will always stay beside you.

No other human being had ever said that to Joel, but then, had he ever been willing to speak those words to another person? No. Why hadn’t it occurred to him to flip the question around like that before? For so long, he’d been focused on the perceived wrongs done to him. If he was being honest, he’d been beyond angry with humanity in general for deciding he wasn’t worth anyone’s time. Without realizing it, he’d lived his life in a way that said he didn’t care about the rest of the world, either. Keeping people at arm’s length. Downright avoiding friendships and finding reasons to break off the few connections he had made.