The Fireman's Secret (13 page)

“Maybe.” Joel shrugged. He’d been in town for close to a month, but he still didn’t know most people by name.

“Of course it’s the Holdens.” Chief Wheeler’s always-too-loud-voice made Joel jump.

Maggie nodded. “Then double helpings of chocolate chip pancakes coming their way.”

Wheeler rested a hand on Joel’s shoulder. “She would have done it for anyone, but the Holden children have seen a few rough years. The youngest was just declared cancer free. He deserves all the pancakes he can eat.”

The youngest couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. “I had no idea.”

“You’d be surprised by some of the stories you don’t know. There are plenty of people in this town who have been through great trials and pain in their lives. You’re not alone when it comes to that. I hope you realize that, son. You are never alone. Communities exist to support the other members in the good—like today’s event—and the bad, even when we bring about the bad ourselves.” Wheeler’s hand still rested on Joel’s shoulder. Suddenly, it felt very heavy.

Is that the impression he’d given the chief? That he was weak and had suffered? He hoped not. “Somehow I think everyone’s more eager to draw together for the good than when something bad happens.”

Wheeler shook his head. “Then I’m afraid you don’t know Goose Harbor well enough yet.”

“Don’t I?” He really should stop challenging his boss, but something about the large, always-smiling man reminded Joel of his old mentor, Charlie, and for a moment, he felt comfortable voicing his doubt.

Wheeler raised his eyebrows.

“Take the church, for example. Did the community come together after it burned down?” It wasn’t the question Joel wanted to ask.
Would they forgive the man who burned it down?
But he knew the answer to that one and didn’t want to hear it.

“They sure are now.” The chief gestured to the overflowing room.

“Yes, but why didn’t they do this all those years ago? Why wait until now?”

“Because it wasn’t the right time yet. You’ll see. When this church breaks ground on Monday, it is going to heal a whole lot of people in this town.”

“That’s what Shelby keeps saying, but it doesn’t make any sense.”

Wheeler nodded. “Especially Shelby.”

“Why do you say that?” Joel had tried to figure out why the church building meant so much to her, but had yet to come up with a reason.

“Sorry. You’ll have to ask her yourself.”

He would again, if he could catch her today. After their walk on the beach the previous night, Shelby fled home pretty quickly. Then this morning, she’d either been talking to someone or had been on the opposite side of the room from him whenever he looked for her. It was starting to feel as if she was avoiding him. Had the kiss scared her? Maybe she wasn’t interested in him. What if she’d only pretended to like him—as Caleb and so many of his foster families had?

She’s busy. Just busy.

Maggie slid a plate full of chocolate chip pancakes down the counter. “Who’s bringing this to table seven?”

“Look lively.” Wheeler shoved the plate into Joel’s hands and slapped him on the back. “Make sure to show your pearly whites. Brooding has its place, but there are some lovely ladies out there who would fancy seeing a fireman waiting on them with a bright smile. Who knows, you just might get a few smiles back.”

As instructed, Joel smiled as he dropped off the pancakes and then mingled with people at the next table, but it was for Shelby’s sake, not because of the chief’s ribbing. He wanted her event to be a success, and if that meant doing the rounds and laying on the fireman charm, he’d do it.

Even if the girl he was smiling for wouldn’t make eye contact with him.

* * *

Shelby scanned the crowd and spotted Joel. He tossed his head back and laughed at something Bree, a schoolteacher about his age, said. Shelby clenched her teeth for a moment before forcing the muscles in her jaw to relax.

Hadn’t she looked into her mirror at home and promised she’d only be friends with Joel? A friend had no reason to be jealous of his flirting with a cute, single schoolteacher. Yet the desire to go and tug him away from Bree’s company was there. Was it so bad to want him to save his best smiles for her?

Paige appeared beside her and squeezed her hand. “He’s pretty cute.”

“Bree seems to think so.”

“I wouldn’t worry about Bree. I have it from the horse’s mouth that she’s sweet on the IT guy at school.” Paige winked. Shelby had forgotten that Bree was Paige’s teaching buddy and they often spent time together outside school. Paige nudged Shelby in the side. “You know, he’s really shown that he has a servant’s heart with all the work he’s done for this event. I can see why you like him.”

“The IT guy?” Shelby knew Paige was talking about Joel, but didn’t want to tip Paige off to her feelings. Not when Shelby’s thoughts were so muddled and her heart hurt. If she started talking about him with her soon-to-be sister-in-law, she’d probably start crying, and that was the last thing she wanted to do, especially at the fund-raiser.

“Oh, please, I’m not blind.” Paige gestured to indicate Joel.

Shelby snatched Paige’s hand so people wouldn’t see them pointing at him. “You think I like Joel? It’s not like that.”

“You’ve sure been spending a lot of time together. And Caleb told me about going for a motorcycle ride.” Mischief danced in Paige’s eyes. “Swoon.”

“Ha. Caleb was mad I went.”

“I hate to say this about my soon-to-be hubby, but I’m going to let you in on a secret. As wonderful as Caleb is and as much as we both love him, he’s not always right.”

“You can say that again.”

Paige leaned in closer. “How about I repeat something else to you instead?”

“Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like what you’re about to say?”

“The day we picked up your bridesmaid dress, I said you needed to open yourself up to the possibility of a man loving you romantically. I still believe that. And if I’m not mistaken, Joel’s already moving in that direction.” Paige tilted her head to indicate where he stood helping a group of high school kids from the youth group fill glasses of orange juice to pass out.

She watched him for a minute as he chatted with the local teens, and her heart pounded harder. Had she really kissed him last night? Yes. And she wanted to again. It wasn’t fair she had to give him up. He was exactly the guy she’d never let herself dare to dream about.

Shelby let out a breath. “You can’t say something like that when you’ve never even talked to him.”

“Sure I can. Anyone can tell, Shelb. The man hasn’t stop watching you all day.”

It was too much. She was going to start crying. If she couldn’t get Paige to stop talking about Joel, at least they didn’t need to do it in the firehouse.

Shelby grabbed Paige’s hand and dragged her outside where no one could see them. “If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell Caleb.”

“I don’t know...”

“Promise.”

“Okay.” Paige crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. It was almost funny because the petite woman couldn’t have looked intimidating if she had tried. “I won’t tell our favorite overprotective bear.”

“I kissed him. Joel. Joel and I kissed last night.”

“Eek!” Paige lunged forward and wrapped Shelby in a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you. I haven’t met him, but you know I’ve had a feeling about you two ever since Caleb told me Joel returned to town.”

Shelby applied gentle pressure to get Paige to let her go. “But it can’t be like that. You know I can’t have that sort of relationship.”

“Is this about what Caleb said the other day about him? Because your brother and I talked that over and he knows he was out of line to say you shouldn’t be around Joel because of his rough past. By that logic, Caleb and I shouldn’t be getting married, because both of our parents had issues. Everyone does.”

“No offense, but I wasn’t listening to what Caleb said. I knew he was wrong.”

“Okay—then I’m confused.”

Shelby wrenched up her sleeve to show Paige the scar on her wrist. “What’s it going to take for you and Caleb to understand that everything comes down to this?” She shook her arm at Paige. “Because of this, I have to live in heartache knowing there’s a good man who cares about me and is interested in pursuing a relationship with me, but I have to turn him down. I have to exist in the same town, brushing shoulders with him knowing that if I didn’t have these burns we could be dating. Maybe even be planning a life together down the road. But I can’t. I’ll never be able to. And I have to look him in the eye and tell him we can’t be together, and then not give him a reason when he asks why.”

Tears burned twin trails down her cheeks. She shoved down her sleeve and used the fabric to mop her face. “And it hurts. It hurts so much, Paige. I don’t know if I can take it. I’m so tired of having to hide away my hopes and tell myself no. I didn’t get a choice. That fire set a course for my life, and I never got a say in it. I didn’t do anything wrong and it’s like I’m being punished for the rest of my life. Why does God do this to us?”

“Shelby, it doesn’t have to—”

Shelby swiped at her eyes. “You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be involved in the church rebuild because, honestly, I still struggle with being angry at God about the fire. Why did He let me go through that? I was a child and
I was praying
. I went there that day because I had faith He could make my life better, and it just made my life worse. Forever. Sometimes I get tired of having a brave face and acting like I’m okay. I’m not.”

Paige’s voice was soft when she spoke. “I’m afraid I don’t have a good answer for you. There are so many things in this world I have questions about. Why does God let certain things happen? Like little Alex Holden in there—why did that tiny, sweet boy have to suffer through chemo? Why did Caleb have to go through losing his first wife in such a violent way when she was in the midst of serving people in need?”

Shelby nodded. Poor Caleb had lost his childhood sweetheart to a shooting; Sarah had been mentoring inner-city kids and trying to help them find a better future. But if she had lived, Paige wouldn’t be standing in front of Shelby about to become her sister-in-law. Emotions could be so confusing. Shelby still mourned Sarah and wished Caleb hadn’t had to experience such a loss. But she loved Paige and couldn’t wait to have her in the family.

Paige laid her hand on Shelby’s arm. “Why did you have to go through such pain and be left with these scars? I can’t answer that for you. I don’t think there
is
an answer because it wasn’t a punishment, Shelby. All I know is that God grieved with you when you were in pain, and He wants to help heal you.”

“The doctors say this is as healed as my skin will ever get.” She dashed more tears from her face and looked up to try to get the waterworks to stop.

“Heal you in here.” Paige tapped where her heart beat. “If you let Him, God wants to remove the scars from there most of all. He wants you to know with certainty that you are loved and you are whole and there is nothing lacking. Because of that, you shouldn’t be afraid to let other people love you.”

“If that beam hadn’t fallen on me, I probably could have gotten out of the church without any burns. He could have prevented that from happening. All of it.”

“Sadly,
what-ifs
don’t solve anything. They just keep us up at night and fill our heads with lies about God. Nobody needs that.” Paige pressed her lips together and then continued, “I might be speaking too boldly right now, but since you’re not stopping me, I’m just going to say it.”

Shelby shrugged. “You’re fine. This is good stuff to hear. Caleb and the rest of the people who know have always coddled me and said they were sorry. I probably could have used a dose of tough love a long time ago.”

“There’s someone else who did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve the suffering and intense pain he endured. He, too, questioned why God would make him experience such terrible circumstances, and begged God to take away his pain. I think you know I’m talking about Jesus. He understands your hurt and can handle your questions.”

Shelby looked to her left and down the cliff toward the beach. Lake Michigan seemed to sparkle as the sun rose closer to the top of the sky. “In all the years I’ve been struggling with this, I never considered Jesus’s suffering. So many people ask ‘Why, God?’ when bad things happen to them, but when it comes down to it, He was probably the only one with the right to ask that question since He never sinned. Even the one man who lived without sin suffered.

“Thank you, Paige. It doesn’t take away my pain and confusion, but it does help to shift my perspective. I’ve been focusing on me and so worried about hiding from people that I haven’t focused much on God, especially in the last couple of years.”

“Glad to help. We can talk more about it anytime you want, okay?”

“Okay, but for now we should probably go help clean up. People are going to wonder where we’ve been.”

Her future sister-in-law offered her arm and Shelby laughed and linked hers with Paige’s. Hopefully, she didn’t look quite the mess she felt she was, but either way, she whispered a prayer thanking God for bringing Paige into her life.

* * *

Joel stood by the front entrance to the firehouse directing traffic as people left the fund-raising event.

Where was Shelby? He hadn’t spotted her in almost an hour, and the fire station wasn’t a big enough place to lose somebody in. Maybe he’d check the kitchen again after he finished helping people leave safely.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” He didn’t have to turn around to know the voice belonged to Caleb.

“I’m kind of busy right now.” And Caleb had showed his true colors when he warned Shelby to stay away from Joel. Had she told her brother about the kiss? If so, then he really didn’t want to talk to Caleb.

Joel kept his back to his old friend and flagged the next group of cars out onto the main road.

Caleb stepped into his line of vision. “It’s important.”

“So is directing traffic so people don’t get into accidents.”