The Fall of Gods (A Welcome to the Underworld Novel, Book 2) (60 page)

Throughout her ordeal, Tae Hyun remained silent, attentive. Although he said nothing, she could sense his anguish all the same.

“I’ve always been spineless; I always run away from things. I may be a coward, but I never cry. I never cry…yet that was all I did that night. You broke me. You mean so much more to me than I’ll ever want to admit. You left me then…but you came back. But what about next time? What about next time when you leave…and you don’t come back?” 

Her body shook from her own words. She hoped she was shaking because of the cold, but Yoori knew better. At this point, the cold weather couldn’t match up to the inner storm raging inside her body.

Tae Hyun attempted to say something. “Yoori. I won’t – ”

“You keep secrets from me,” Yoori interrupted, backing further away from him once she saw that he was trying to reach out to her. She would only torture herself more if she allowed him to hold her. She couldn't allow herself to get lost in his arms. She wanted to stay strong for the things to come…for the things she would probably have to do once their night ended. She knew she was such a fool to think that she could stay here with him like this –
especially
when a myriad of obstacles threatened their future. But she could make things right. She could make it right by confronting Tae Hyun with one of the things she knew would be her way out.

Based on
the shock in his eyes, Yoori knew she was on the right track. 

The air escaped
her when she verbalized thoughts she always feared voicing out loud. “I’ve told you in the past, Tae Hyun. I’ve always trusted you…but when we were on the balcony that night and you ran out on me, you told me you ran out because you needed time to process that I’m An Soo Jin and I understand that.” 

She gazed intently into his eyes.
 

“But I
 know that wasn’t the
entire
reason why you left. For months now, I’ve allowed myself to be oblivious to whatever secrets you’ve kept from me. I don’t snoop around and try to find out what you’re keeping from me because, deep down, I know that I’m afraid to find out. But how could you stand here and ask for something more with me when you don’t even trust me enough to share all that you’ve kept from me? Do you think I deserve someone like that? Someone who keeps things from me? I mean...do I even know who you really are?” 

Tae Hyun froze at her question.

She hated that her voice broke. Her heart ripped itself apart as it yearned for her to stop pushing herself away from him. The truth was…she would’ve accepted anything about him because if there was one thing she knew, it was that she knew the real Tae Hyun. Not the Underworld King, not the Serpents leader, but Kwon Tae Hyun himself. Nonetheless, her hopes continued to drop all the same. Perhaps Tae Hyun would make this separation easier for her. She had hoped that she sounded pushy enough to turn him off. But as he nodded, his eyes glazed with so much pain that it ached her to just see it, Yoori knew she was far from pushing Tae Hyun away. She was actually opening him up. 

A million different emotions filtered in and out of his poignant eyes. Yet, when he finally parted his lips and spoke, all Yoori heard was truth and desperation. There were no more reservations with Tae Hyun.

“I’m not the type of gang leader that you’re used to hearing about,” he began. The wind spun around them, twirling mixes of rose petals and snow in the air. The icicle lights clinked above when the harsh wind billowed about. 

“I’m not the type who has never killed anyone. I’ve killed countless people. I’ve grown so used to it that it doesn’t even faze me whether I kill one person or ten people at once. I don’t have much of a soul…the majority of it died with the people I’ve killed over the years.”
 

Even then, Tae Hyun was still good at keeping the even composure in his voice. It didn’t matter how much his eyes betrayed him.

“I’m not the good guy in this story. I’m greedy and selfish – in every way possible. Just like the rest who has walked this life, I’m just another villain with a corrupted soul. I live to collect power and I live to pursue endless power.” He smirked dryly. “I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could tell you that I’ve changed completely from all of that. I haven’t. I can still kill without a care in the world. I still seek power because I love it. I love it when people fear me and I love it even more when they kneel before me.”

“If you love it so much, then why do you insist on being with me?” Her chin wobbled uncontrollably. “Don’t you realize that I’m standing in the way of all of that? Didn’t Ju Won and Dong Min reiterate that to you when they told you to get rid of me?”
 

“Do you think I want this right now?” he asked swiftly, breathing in painfully once he saw the hurt breed like cancer in her eyes. “Do you think it’s easy for me to stand here like this? To yearn for you so much that I begin to forget why I’m here in the first place?”

He smiled dryly to himself, taking a moment to stare off into the snow-drizzling horizon. “I wish that none of this is happening right now. I wish I could’ve met you later…when I had no more soul. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be here right now…like this. I wouldn’t be torn between wanting something I’ve wanted my entire life and something that has just occurred to me that I may want for the rest of my life." He exhaled sharply while Yoori tried to coordinate her breathing. "I still want power, but I want you more. And this factor alone has been killing me. If I had the choice, I would give everything up just so I could be with you. Haven’t you realized how much you mean to me by now?”

His eyes showed no tears, but his voice spoke of every pain that she felt.
 

Yoori felt hopeless. She felt like she was barely hanging on in a world that just wanted to drown her.

She did.

She did realize how much she meant to him and how much
 he meant to her. 

“Can’t you just run away with me?”

The words slipped past her lips as easily as the air she exhaled. Her lips trembled when she asked this, immeasurable anguish seeping into her eyes. There were no thoughts attached to that question, just hope. Just the faintest hope in her desperate heart that she could just run away with him and go somewhere where they could start over. Where they could just be safe and normal.

She noted his reluctance and she continued. It was pathetic.
She was pleading for him to give her the easy way out because she wanted to be with him so much. 

“It’s so hard to be with you in this world,” she breathed out, her lungs fighting for air. “Can’t you just run away with me so we can start over somewhere else? Somewhere where I know you’ll be safe if you were with me? Somewhere I won’t be reminded of Soo Jin? Somewhere where we can just live a normal life?”
 

Tae Hyun took in a sharp breath. It pained him to see her like this and it pained him to not be able to give her what she pleaded him for.
 

“I can’t run away with you, Yoori,” he whispered, the finality in his voice causing Yoori’s heart to drop.
 “If you had asked me for anything else, then I would give it to you without batting an eyelash. But this…I can’t give you this. I can’t disappear. I can’t disappear like Young Jae because he was never a candidate to become the Lord of the Underworld. He never reached the level that I have reached.”

He swallowed tightly.
 “Right now, I’m vying for the most powerful position this world has ever known. My position in this world has been marked. I either die trying to be the Lord of the Underworld or I die as the Lord of the Underworld. There’s no in-between in this world. I have too many enemies and they are waiting to see me fall. I can’t run. This society would hunt me and it would hunt you down too. If I stay as I am, then I have my gang and the 1
st
 layer to watch over me –
us
. If I run with you, I’ll lose both. I’ll lose the ability protect you and then I’ll lose you.”

Yoori bit her quivering lips, fighting back sobs that threatened to flood out of her chest. So that was it.
There was absolutely no option for them. She was ready to give up and walk away when she was suddenly pulled against him. His warmth enraptured her. Raking his fingers through her snow-covered hair, Tae Hyun bit his own lips as he stared into her agonized eyes. His eyes were deep, poignant, and mirrored the pain in hers. 

“I know the right thing to do would be to let you go right now because there’s no future for us. I wish I could be less selfish and just let you go because you deserve better than me.
You deserve better than this life. I wish the little soul I have within me would stop yearning for you so I could just let you walk out of my life…so I could just go back to being happy with the life I led. That way, things would be easier and I wouldn’t have to stand here…never in my life feeling weaker or feeling guiltier for all the things that I’ve done…”

He continued to caress her hair, his eyes holding hers with nothing but desperation.
 

“I’ve made mistakes in the past, Yoori,” he shared, going back to the first concern she brought up. It seemed that this issue had been plaguing him for quite some time. “Mistakes that I was raised to believe were necessary to get me the ultimate power and keep me alive in this world. Mistakes that are irreparable…mistakes that will probably disgust you to a degree where you won’t be able to look at me again…”

“Tae Hyun,” Yoori started, her voice trembling. She struggled to understand why he was so worried. “What have you done?”

“I would understand if you couldn’t look at me afterwards...if you hated me after you found out everything.”

Yoori had never seen such fear embalm his eyes. It was like he was afraid of losing her. 

“
Just tell me,” Yoori whispered, wanting to cry for him more than for herself. 

“But please know that I’ve fallen for you,” he pleaded, still so apprehensive with telling her everything. It broke Yoori’s heart to see him so afraid. “I wish I didn’t care for you this much…that I need you this much, but you have everything of mine. My heart and what’s left of my soul. Everything is yours, all yours and only yours. And come tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything – everything that I’ve kept from you. But for now, can you trust that I’ll take care of you? That ultimately, your well-being and your safety will always be what comes first?”

“Tomorrow?” Yoori asked, pressing her forehead against his. She was shaking with emotions.

He was borrowing more time and she allowed him, not because it pained her to see how hurt he was,
 
even though it pained her greatly
, but mainly because she was afraid of what she would learn. What had Tae Hyun done that was so horrible that she wouldn’t be able to look at him afterward? Yoori knew that if she thought about it long and hard, she would know the answer. But that was the thing…she didn’t want to know the answer. Deep down, she wanted to prolong anything that may cause her to push herself away from him. She was so afraid; she wanted borrowed time as well. 

“
Tomorrow,” he confirmed, his fingers gliding over her cheek.

Even though one thing was settled, Yoori still saw one more obstacle in their way. They dealt with Tae Hyun’s past mistakes…now they had to deal with Yoori’s past self.
 

She asked the dreaded question. “What if…what if I remember everything and An Soo Jin takes over? I’m pretty sure the drug is wearing off because I feel myself changing everyday…I feel her taking over more and more everyday. She hates you, Tae Hyun. I can feel it in my gut whenever I contemplate wanting something more with you. I can feel her disgust and her hatred for you.”
 

Yoori swallowed past the tears threatening to rise up in her throat.
 

“What if I wake up one day and I’m no longer
me? What if I wake up one day and I’m 
her
 again? When I remember everything…we’re not going to be the same. I won’t be here with you anymore. I’ll be trapped within Soo Jin. All I’ll be able to do is watch as she hurts you. All I’ll be able to do is watch, completely powerless, as we become enemies. Don’t you realize that, Tae Hyun? Don’t you realize that’s our future if we keep going down this road?”

“You think none of this crossed my mind?” he asked, framing his hand over her tear stained cheek, wiping the fresh tears that were streaming out.

She was crying again. She didn’t even realize she was crying. 

“You think the fact that you’re Soo Jin hasn’t been on my mind? The fact that at any point in time, something could trigger inside you and you’ll remember everything? That you’ll remember it was Ji Hoon you loved and it was
me you hated? That you’ll remember it was my brother who killed your father? That 
I
 represent everything you despise? That it’s very likely I’ll find you pointing a gun at me, shooting at me like you’ve never spilled coffee on me, like you’ve never bickered with me, like you’ve never been handcuffed with me, like you’ve never kissed me…like you’ve never spoken about Paris to me?”

He laughed to himself. “I thought about that…I’ve thought about it long before the Advisors ever met with me, long before they ever told me I should kill you. I’ve considered letting you go, but time and time again, I just can’t. No matter how selfless I try to be, I just can’t let you go. I could deal with anything and everything that may come my way. I could deal with all the obstacles and I could deal with dying if I have to…but please don’t leave me because of all this. Don’t leave me because of things we can’t control. I can’t be without you, Yoori.”