The Education of Sebastian (8 page)

He looked at me nervously. “What’s the matter?”

I threw my arm over my eyes, unable to look at him.
What had I done?
What the fuck had I done?

“Please, Caroline. You’re scaring me.”

I took a deep breath and turned to glare at him, needing to take my sudden panic and anger out on him.

“The matter, Sebastian, is that you’re a minor. What we’ve just done… what
I’ve
just done… it’s against the law. It’s a felony, for God’s sake!”

“But I love you.”

I wanted to scream.

“Sebastian: it’s
statutory rape!
Do you know what that means? I could go to prison. If anyone found out…”

“I won’t tell anyone. I love…”

“Don’t say it! Do
not
say it!” I shouted the words and he flinched.

I ran to the bathroom, afraid I was going to be sick. I held my hand over my mouth as dry heaves raked me. Tears sprang to my eyes and I felt him hovering uncertainly behind me.

“Caroline, please.”

I held my hand out like a traffic cop, stopping him from coming any closer.

What had I done?

The words echoed emptily.

“Please!” His voice was begging, desperate, but I couldn’t look at him.

My skin felt icy-cold then hot with shame, as a torrent of emotion engulfed me. I staggered to the bathroom door, plucked my robe off the hook and wrapped it around me, as if the thin material could hide my crime.

I tried to push past him to the bedroom but he blocked my way.

“Oh, God, please, Caroline!” and he tried to pull me to him.

“No!”

I made it as far as the bed before my knees gave way and I sat down, gasping.

“What have I done? What have I done?”

I hid my head in my hands and tried to fight the rising panic.

I knew he was watching me but I couldn’t look. Silently, he sat down next to me.

“I’m not sorry,” he whispered. “That was the best experience of my whole life. I love you; I can’t help it.”

And he pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, taking care of me, soothing me.

Slowly the shock wore off, and finally I was able to sit up, pushing his arms away.

“I apologize, Sebastian. It isn’t your fault. Please forgive my… behavior.” I spoke coldly, formally, afraid to give way to further emotion. “I think you’d better leave now.”

“Please. Don’t send me away.”

His voice was husky.

When I didn’t reply, he stood up and walked into the bathroom, his eyes downcast, searching the floor for an answer that wasn’t there. I could hear the soft rustle of material and I knew he was getting dressed.

I hurried into the kitchen, needing activity to stop my hands from shaking. I cleared away a puddle of melting ice, and threw the antiseptic cream into the nearest drawer.

Then I leaned over the sink, trying to force some coherent thought into my befuddled brain. I heard his quiet footsteps on the linoleum and, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I turned to face him.

The expression on his face shocked me: he looked so broken.

“Oh, Sebastian!”

And I started to cry.

Half a heartbeat later I was in his arms, my cheek against his chest, and he was stroking my hair.

“Don’t be sad, Caroline, I love you. It’ll be okay.”

I was crying and laughing and crying.
How ridiculous. Of course it wasn’t going to be okay. How ridiculously happy and terrified and happy I felt.

I lifted my head, aware that I was red-eyed and hideous.

He wiped my tears with his thumbs.

I thought he was going to speak, but then we heard the sound of a car outside.

“David!”

Panic lanced through me.

“You have to go! Quickly! Out through the back yard. Go!”

He turned to run to the door, then skidded to a halt. “When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know! Go! Go!”

“Promise I’ll see you again! Promise me!”

“Okay, I promise!” I said desperately, staring aghast at the front door.

He pulled me to him, kissing me fiercely. And then he was gone.

Trying to breathe naturally, I ran to the bedroom, straightening the sheets, plumping up the pillows where Sebastian had been lying just a few minutes before. There was no time to change the sheets and I felt faintly appalled by the thought of David sleeping where Sebastian and I had made love.

I heard his key in the lock, and then remembered that I’d shaved Sebastian’s hair in the bathroom. I raced in and fell to my knees, sweeping up the sun-blond hair with my hands and tossing it down into the toilet bowl.

A sudden desire to have something of Sebastian made me pick up one lock and shove it deep inside the pocket of my robe. Then I pulled the handle and watched fascinated as the rest of the hair was swirled away. I splashed some water on my face and ran a brush through my knotted hair.

I heard a crash in the living room. As I’d expected, David was drunk.

“Car’line… Car’line.”

He saw me and licked his lips.

“Beau’ful Car’line. Bella, bella!”

I tried to lift one of his arms over my shoulder so I could help him to the bedroom, but he pushed me off, tugging open my robe. He ran his hands over my breasts as I tried again to steer him stumbling towards the bedroom.

“Come on, David, give me some help here.”

“What I’d like to give you, Car’line. C’mere.”

He tried to grab me again but missed and fell face first onto the bed. He was asleep instantly.

With relief, I straightened my robe and then pulled off his shoes and socks. His uniform would be un-wearable in the morning.

Glad of something to do, I hunted around in the closet until I found a clean shirt and the rest of his spare service summer whites. The pants would need pressing.

I’d tucked the Sullivan’s portable ironing board into a closet in the utility room. I pulled it out, wincing when a mop clattered to the floor. But David didn’t stir.

I set the iron to ‘hot’, finding some equilibrium in the familiar drudgery.

I was appalled by what I’d done. What part of ‘forsaking all others’ wasn’t clear? And with a
child!
Dear God! I deserved to burn in purgatory for all eternity. But I couldn’t think of Sebastian as a child, even though the law defined him as such. He’d made love to me; we’d made love together.

I knew it was wrong: I knew it was right.

I’d have to leave. I’d have to persuade David to take an assignment somewhere else. But what excuse could I give? That I missed my friends on the east coast? No, that wouldn’t even give him pause for thought during the length of a coffee break. That I wanted to be nearer to my mother? No, he’d never believe that. My brain was empty of further excuses.

Maybe
I
could leave? Leave David, start again somewhere else: no job, no home, no money? It was a terrifying prospect. I’d never been alone my whole life; I didn’t know how to do it.

Miserable, pathetic,
whore!

And then a new fear threatened to derail me: I hadn’t used any contraception.

“NO!”

I wailed out loud, then threw a hand over my mouth. “Shit! SHIT! FUCK!” David grunted but carried on snoring.

I wasn’t on the pill, I had no need; David was as infertile as the Gobi desert. But Sebastian… oh God!

I tried to organize a list of urgent jobs for the morning but all I could think was,
what if I’m pregnant?
For the briefest of moments I imagined an alternate universe where I was the mother of a blond-haired child with eyes the color of the ocean, and a husband who loved me. But that’s all it was: a moment.

Plan B Emergency Contraceptive – that was my priority. At least I could buy it over the counter. I’d have to drive into the city or somewhere I wasn’t known.

How could I be so stupid?

Everything I’d done in the last 12 hours had been lunacy.
What was wrong with me?

I realized belatedly that I’d ironed David’s pants to within an inch of their shiny-ass life. I let the iron cool and tiptoed into the bedroom to lay out the rest of the uniform. David was K-O-ed. I stared down at the man who was my husband, for better or worse. I gazed for so long, my eyes were dry. How curious. I couldn’t put a name to what I felt when I looked at him. Maybe something, maybe nothing. My emotional gauge was running on empty; I think it had been that way for a long time. Until Sebastian… No: must not think. Must not think like that.

Back in the kitchen I fixed myself a coffee which I didn’t drink, and waited solemnly for dawn.

As the sun’s first light filtered weakly through the windows, I had resolved nothing. Go or stay? Stay or go? The devil I knew or the deep blue sea? Go or stay? Stay or go? Endlessly repeated through the torpor of my mind.

The doleful ring of the bedside alarm made me jump. David snorted awake and I hurried to make breakfast. He liked it hot and greasy after a bender. Luckily yesterday’s sprint to the store had furnished the refrigerator with bacon and maple syrup. I whipped up some pancake mix and put a dab of oil in the pan.

He arrived at the breakfast table with military precision and in a full-on sulk.

“Nice to see some food for a change,” he muttered.

“How many pancakes do you want?”

“Two.”

Silently I served him the guilty-wife special: three pieces of bacon, two eggs sunny-side up, two pancakes, syrup on the side and coffee.

“This plate’s cold.”

“You want me to heat it up?”

“I haven’t got time for that. Christ, Caroline! Can’t you do anything right?”

No. Probably not.

He left the house without a word. I wondered how long his sulk would last: nine days was the record.

Belatedly, it occurred to me that Sebastian would probably come looking for me once he was sure David had gone to work. I knew it was cowardly and unfair, and I was
supposed
to be the adult – but I just couldn’t face him.

I showered at the double and ran out of the house without bothering to dry my hair, scooping up my notebook from the hall table as I passed. I couldn’t say why: perhaps some atavistic memory of needing to write, from a time when life was simple.

As I drove away, I refused to look in the rear-view mirror. I had an almost superstitious belief that if I looked, Sebastian would appear. Cowardly to the last, it seemed.

I was ridiculously grateful to find an out-of-town mall with a drugstore sign in cheerful neon, the ‘Good Morning Pharmacy’.
Not for me.

The woman serving was sympathetic until she happened to see my wedding ring; then the shutters of disapproval came crashing down and I slunk out, clasping my paper bag.

I hunted for a coffee shop and sat hunched in the corner to order a double espresso and a glass of water.

The Plan B Emergency Contraceptive packaging scolded:

‘Side effects may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache and dizziness.’

I don’t care! Just don’t let me be pregnant!

I swallowed the pill quickly, then tore up the packaging into postage stamp-sized pieces. My hands were shaking as I sipped the espresso. I probably looked like another caffeine hound after my fix.

I had to find a way to channel the flurry of half-formed thoughts that gushed through me. Eventually I pulled out my notepad, trying to make sense of the scrawled words and phrases. Working slowly and carefully, I started to plan my article. It felt important, somehow, that of the complete fuck-up I’d made of my life, that I do this one thing well.

I realized I’d been working for over an hour when the irritated waitress asked me if I wanted anything else.

Yes, a life!
Oddly enough, that’s not something waitresses served up on a regular basis. I removed myself from her baleful gaze, leaving a larger than deserved tip.
Coward.

I hid in my car and wondered what to do next. If I went home I knew Sebastian would be waiting for me. I didn’t know what to say and I was afraid of how much more damage I’d done.

“Are you alright, miss?”

A worried looking man in a Padres baseball cap knocked on my car window, making me jump.

I wound the window down halfway.

“Oh, thank you. I’m fine, really.”

“Waal, you were sitting there for so long I was starting to get worried. You sure you’re okay?”

What was it about the kindness of strangers that made me want to weep?

“I’ve just got a few things on my mind, but I’ll be okay. Thank you for your concern. That was very sweet of you.”

He nodded, smiled uncertainly and ambled off.

The car engine started with a roar, and I was soothed by the familiar grating sound the gear shift made as I reversed out of the parking space. I drove without a destination, idly wondering what problems troubled other drivers locked in their glass and metal worlds, individual and isolated. Were they pondering the meaning of life, itemizing shopping lists in their heads, or simply idling in traffic, minds full of happy non-thoughts?

The June gloom of early morning had given way to hazy sunshine as I found myself driving along a quiet stretch of Pacific coast. It seemed as good a place as any to brood. The air was mild and a light breeze stirred the stubby grass that tried to maintain a foothold among the dunes.

I kicked off my sandals and felt the fine grit beneath my toes. My thoughts turned inwards as I wrapped my arms around my knees and gazed out towards the ocean. Had I reached a turning point in my life, or was this merely a blip on a long and bleak horizon? Was leaping from a failed relationship to a doomed one the most sensible action for a woman of thirty? Rationally: no. But the feel of Sebastian’s body against mine, inside mine; his sweetness, his gentleness... Could I really say that meant nothing? Were those feelings so abundant in my life that I could count them worthless?

The only real love I’d known in my life had been from my dear, chaotic father. Sebastian hadn’t even had that. He was hungry for love.

Could I help him? Answer: I couldn’t. I would only hold him back from all the wonderful things he deserved from life. So I had to let him go.