The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (58 page)

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm nodded her head and gazed at the world beyond.

‘All
nicely pink, don’t you think, lass?’ said the princess.

Pink
it was, the world without. The lamp posts and the trees all pinkly stained, the
burned and battered bodies, the carriages, the melted tanks, the fallen horses,
all.

They
strolled towards the gates of Buckingham Palace. The princess said, ‘I think
I’ll ‘ave these painted pink.’

Within the
concert hall, the third movement entered its final variation, interrupted by
those episodes where loud fanfares for full orchestra are answered by octaves
played by the first violins.

Cameron
Bell’s head bobbed up and down but his eyes remained upon his pocket watch.

At the gates of
Buckingham Palace, Princess Pamela paused.

‘Now
is my time,’ she said.

Cameron’s eyes
were focused on his pocket watch. The great detective appeared to be enchanted
by the time.

However.

Had
someone peeped over his shoulder, they might just have seen that the face of Mr
Bell’s pocket watch displayed neither numbers nor hands. Rather there was only
a mirror where the face should be. A mirror that reflected a certain image.

Through
other mirrors cunningly set out someways above, Mr Bell could clearly see the
palace of Princess Pamela and the Lady Beast herself in the company of her
witchly associate as they paused before the gates of old Buck House.

Cameron
Bell now whispered to himself, ‘I know it is not a new trick,’ he whispered,
‘and there are some who might well criticise me on the grounds of
unoriginality, but then—’ And he drew from his pocket that slim brass contrivance,
extended its aerial parts and positioned his thumb upon the button marked FIRE.
‘I
do
like a really big bang.’

And
he pressed down hard on the button.

The sentry boxes
to either side of Buckingham Palace’s gates had been loaded well with dynamite.
Mr Bell had perhaps been overgenerous and dynamite
was
expensive. But. If
a job is worth doing, it really, truly
is
worth doing
well.

The
twin explosions lit up much of the sky and rattled many a pane of glass in the
halls of the Grand Exposition. Concert-goers felt their seats shifting under
them and Toscanini wobbled on his rostrum. But the great conductor did not
miss a single beat and the orchestra continued with its magic.

A great deal of
debris rained down on the Jovian food hall. Though thankfully little fell into
the stew.

Tongues
of fire barrelled upwards in a suitably apocalyptic fashion. Turrets toppled
from Princess Pamela’s palace.

Within the
concert hall, Cameron Bell had his fingers very firmly crossed. His mirrored
watch face caught the reflections of flames and of smoke and of rolling dust
and debris.

‘That was
probably Mr Bell,’ said Darwin. ‘He really loves to blow things up whenever he
gets the chance.’

He
and Leah peeped towards the chaos, but numerous street lamps no longer cast
light and a terrible darkness shrouded the end of the Mall.

Leah
gazed into the darkness, her long fingers weaving patterns in the air. Street
lights closer at hand now dimmed to nothing. Darkness stalked its way along the
Mall. And this no ordinary darkness of night. This was almost a liquid thing.
It flowed forwards, engulfing the corpses and wreckage, smothering all that lay
before it.

‘Away
from here,’ cried Leah. ‘Back into the hall.’

In the concert
hall, Cameron Bell adjusted his pocket watch. All was utterly black upon its
mirrored face.

‘The
explosion must have shifted one of the mirrors,’ he whispered. ‘But it was a
fine explosion nonetheless.’ And he prepared to tuck away the watch.

But
then he caught a glint of movement, a shimmer held within the mirror’s glass.
Cameron Bell’s mouth opened and his eyes grew terribly wide. For from the watch
the face of Lavinia Dharkstorrm glared at him with hatred.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm dusted down her gown of night-black silk. The Lady Beast did
dustings at her cloak.

‘That
was loud,’ said the princess. ‘And also right hot.’

‘And
might have been deadly, too,’ Miss Dharkstorrm said, ‘had I not taken the
precaution of protecting us with magic. One might criticise Mr Bell on the
grounds of unoriginality, me thinks.’

Princess
Pamela laughed. ‘What d’ye think o’ me darkness, chuck?’ she asked.

‘Very
very black,’ said Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

‘So,’
said the female Antichrist, ‘no ‘arm done. Shall we away t’ ball, as t’were?’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm linked arms with her mistress.

‘Away
to the ball indeed,’ said she as the two stepped into the darkness.

Toscanini
flourished his baton once more and brought it down on the final note of the
symphony’s third movement.

Cameron
Bell moved with unease and felt his thumbs a-pricking. Something evil was
coming his way and he had used the last of his dynamite.

56

t
was twenty-four minutes to midnight as Arturo Toscanini raised his baton high
and plunged it into the strong variations that would lead to the famous choral
finale of Beethoven’s Ninth.

Cameron
Bell slipped quietly away, as indeed did certain other folk.

Lord
Brentford was not amongst them, however. He was conducting from his seat. And
he honestly gave little thought at all as to what had become of Darwin.

Leah and the
monkey butler stood in the vast and echoing Venusian Hall.

‘I
don’t know what to do,’ said the ape. ‘And I am mightily afraid of magic.’

‘When
the time comes,’ said Leah, ‘you will know what to do.’

‘You know what
I’m goin’ t’ do wi’ this, lass?’ said Princess Pamela as she and Lavinia
approached the big front door of the Grand Exposition.

‘Paint
it pink?’ asked Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

‘No,
I’m goin’ t’ knock it down. It ruins me view to me square.’

‘Trafalgar
Square?’ asked Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

‘We’ll
change t’ name,’ said the princess. ‘‘Ow’s about Dharkstorrm Square? Though
with a statue of me on t’ column in middle.’

‘Naturally,’
said the witch.

‘Got
reliquaries with thee?’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm pointed to the bag upon her shoulder. ‘I must perform the ceremony
on unhallowed ground to bring you to your powers at the precise moment of
midnight. We will hold this ceremony in the atrium. Those who might seek to
interrupt, I will destroy without mercy.

‘Sound
stuff,’ said Princess Pamela. ‘Then I shalt truly become Madam Glory. Let’s go
in and make right nuisances of ourselves.’

And
through the door went the horrible twosome and into the atrium.

The
sounds of the Ninth’s fourth movement swelled through the entrance hall. To the
centre the fountain still danced with champagne. Beyond and flanking the
entrance to the auditorium, two sweeping flights of stairs led up to a balcony
before the galleried seats and the door to the royal box.

Princess
Pamela rooted her finger into her ear and said, ‘What is that ‘orrible music
playing there?’

‘I
believe it is Beethoven’s Ninth,’ said Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

‘Remind
me t’ ban it once I gets t’ throne.’

‘That,’
came a voice from on high, ‘is something you will never do.’

Princess
Pamela raised her eyes. ‘Do I hear a little baldy man?’ she asked.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm rubbed her palms together. ‘Your time has come, Mr Bell,’ said she.
‘Step into sight, if you will.’

A
voice behind her said, ‘That would not be wise.’

Princess
Pamela laughed most merrily. ‘I think, Lavinia lass, little baldy man ‘as been
takin’ lessons in t’ art o’ ventriloquism.’

Mr
Bell’s head popped up from behind the fountain. And then ducked down again.

‘There.’
The princess pointed.

Mr
Bell waved from the balcony.

And
then was gone. ‘No, there!’

Mr
Bell said, ‘Hello,’ right behind them.

Princess
Pamela turned to catch a fleeting glimpse of Cameron Bell.

‘I
truly tire of this,’ she said. ‘Blast damn place with fire, Lavinia, please.’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm raised her hands. Invoked the terrible forces.

Cameron
Bell peeped out from under a staircase.

‘Set
to it, lass!’ demanded Princess Pamela. ‘Don’t ‘ave all night!’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm looked at her fingers, raised her arms once more and shouted words
of terrible power.

A
wisp of smoke rose up from her hands, stuttered and vanished away.

‘And
what of
this?’
cried the Lady Beast. ‘What of this, Lavinia?’

‘He
has done something,’ said the witch, and she sniffed at the air. ‘He has—’ A
scent of incense reached her nostrils. ‘He has had this hall blessed — we stand
upon hallowed ground.’

Princess
Pamela jumped most nimbly for a lady of her ample proportions. ‘Well, de-’allow
it quickly!’ she shouted at the witch. ‘Time marches on!’

‘I
cannot,’ cried Lavinia. ‘We should
not
have entered here.’

‘And
thou shouldst have known!’ cried the princess. ‘Thee with thy powers of seein’
t’ future.’

‘He
has magic of his own!’ Lavinia’s eyes glowed purple. ‘He is here and there and
there, too. He has employed the Glamour.’

‘Will
you please just kill ‘im?’ bawled Princess Pamela.

Cameron
Bell stepped out on the balcony. He flourished his rather large ray gun. He
pointed it down at the ladies.

‘How
dare ye point yer oversized weapon at
me,’
said Princess Pamela. ‘Twist
this dog turd’s ‘ead upon ‘is shoulders, Lavinia.’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm wore a helpless expression. ‘My magic cannot flourish here,’ she
said.

‘However,’
said Cameron Bell, ‘I can vouch for the efficiency of my oversized weapon.
Ladies, I regret that I have no other option but to shoot the pair of you
dead.’

‘No,
please,’ Lavinia Dharkstorrm pleaded, adopting the voice of a helpless little
girl. ‘I beg you, kind sir — do not murther a poor defenceless female.’

Cameron
Bell shook his baldy head. ‘You must die,’ said he.

‘I
can repent,’ said Princess Pamela, adopting the voice of a helpless little boy.
‘I might join t’ Salvation Army and ‘elp save fallen women.

Cameron
Bell took aim.

‘No,
please,’ wailed Lavinia Dharkstorrm, in a manner most sincere.

Cameron
Bell once more shook his head, then squeezed upon the trigger.

Or
would
have done…
had the gun not suddenly been torn from his grip. Firm hands
fell upon Cameron Bell, casting him aside.

A
figure loomed on the balcony.

A
most dramatic figure.

‘No
one kills my sister but me,’ came the voice of Lady Raygun.

Cameron
Bell did flounderings on the floor.

‘Sister!’
cried the lady in the black rubber headpiece. ‘Sister, it is time for you to
die.’

‘Sister,
dearest sister,’ crooned Lavinia Dharkstorrm. ‘Let bygones be bygones. My magic
can set you to rights.’

‘Only
your death
can set
me
to rights,’ said Lady Raygun.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm shook her head and rummaged deeply within her reticule. ‘I have a
present in here for you,’ she said.