The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (46 page)

‘Surveyors,
I expect,’ said his lordship. ‘Watch me give em a telling-off for something,
Darwin.’

Darwin
prepared himself to be amused.

‘Lord
Brentford?’ said a fellow in a black bowler hat.

‘I am
he,’ his lordship said. ‘So speak, if you will, with respect.’

‘Mr Gilbert,’
said one fellow in a bowler hat.

‘Mr
George,’ said the other, ‘of Gilbert and George Solicitors.’

‘Can’t
say I have heard of you,’ said his lordship.

‘We
hold a royal charter,’ said Mr George.

‘We
represent the gentry,’ Mr Gilbert said.

‘Well,
jolly good show,’ said his lordship. ‘You haven’t by chance seen anything of my
workers?’

‘Indeed
we have,’ said Mr George, rummaging about in his black leather case. ‘We have
dismissed them from the site.’

‘YOU
HAVE WHAT?’
Lord Brentford roared. ‘Then you shall know my
wrath.’ And he raised his cane.

‘We
strongly advise against violence,’ said Mr George. ‘You would not wish it added
to the charges.’

‘Charges?
WHAT CHARGES?’

‘We
would hope that there will be no charges,’ said Mr Gilbert. ‘should you choose
to settle your account without any further delay—’

‘My …
account?’ said Lord Brentford most slowly. ‘Ah, indeed, my account.’

‘What
is this of which the gentleman speaks?’ asked Leah. Mr George now gaily
flourished papers. ‘Lord Brentford is somewhat behind on his payments,’ said
he. ‘In fact, he has failed to honour any of them.’

Lord
Brentford made the bitterest of faces.

Leah
gazed at him.

‘One
million, five hundred and sixty-seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-five
pounds, seventeen and six-pence,’ said Mr George. ‘A not inconsiderable sum. If
his lordship would care to write out a cheque, we will settle matters here and
now.

‘Don’t
have my chequebook with me,’ said Lord Brent— ford. ‘But surely the costs might
be defrayed. After the New Year, millions will flock to see the Grand
Exposition. All that I owe for the construction costs can easily be paid then.’

Mr
Gilbert shook his head. Mr George did likewise. ‘At the present rate of
interest,’ said Mr Gilbert, ‘your owings will have doubled before the
Exposition even opens. We have not yet factored in the cost of the glass, or
the interior fixtures and fittings.’

Leah
the Venusian said, ‘What would the overall cost of construction be? Including
everything.’

Mr
George consulted his papers. ‘A little under three million pounds,’ said he.

Leah
looked towards her Berty. ‘And how much do you have in the bank?’ she asked.

‘That
is not the kind of thing a gentleman speaks of in public.’ Lord Brentford
hefted his walking stick and prepared himself to do these fellows harm.

Leah
fixed these fellows with her golden eyes. ‘There must be some solution,’ she
said, her voice once more like that of some echoing Heavenly choir.

‘You
have the most dulcet tones, madam,’ said Mr Gilbert, ‘and I felt almost
impelled to tear up these summonses. However, business is business, as they
say. If the debts are not cleared,
in full,
before next weekend, the
project will be cancelled and the existing structure torn down for the value of
the scrap metal. Farewell.’

And
so saying, he pressed his papers into the hand of Lord Brentford, turned with
his partner on his heel and smartly strode away. Being careful, however, not to
tread on any frogs.

Darwin
the monkey watched them go and Darwin the monkey worried.

The long ride
back to Syon House was not one filled with joy. Lord Brentford looked pale and
stared straight ahead. Leah clutched his arm. Darwin peeped from the hansom cab
and worried for what might occur.

At
Syon House, his lordship ordered Darwin to fetch him a bottle of Scotch. Darwin
went mournfully about this duty.

His
lordship entered the Garden Room and dropped into a chair.

Leah
took herself to the window and gazed out at the gardens lying beyond.

Presently,
Darwin brought the Scotch and poured his lordship a glass.

‘Thank
you, boy,’ said Lord Brentford. ‘Looks as if you might have to find yourself a
new master, as I may shortly be serving time in debtors’ prison.’

Darwin
had brought a second glass and helped himself to Scotch.

‘Doomed,’
said his lordship. ‘All gone. My great scheme. My plan for peace. Too much of a
dream, I think.’

‘It
was a pure dream,’ said Leah. ‘A true dream. The Grand Exposition must go
ahead. We must find a solution.’

‘Can’t
ask the Queen,’ said Lord Brentford, swallowing Scotch. ‘Know she won’t cough
up a penny.

‘The
British Government?’ Leah asked. ‘It is a matter of national pride, I would
have thought.’

‘Churchill
has it in for me,’ his lordship said. ‘He’d put the poison in quickly enough,
I’m thinking.’

‘There
must be a solution,’ said Leah.

‘I’d
sell the old ancestral pile,’ said his lordship, ‘but it’s mortgaged three
times over. I can think of only one solution.’

There
was a certain stillness in the air.

‘I
feared that this day would come,’ said Lord Brentford, ‘so I took a certain
precaution. Put all I had into a life-insurance policy. Got a very good deal,
in fact. I’m afraid I have no option but to load up the trusty shotgun, go out
onto the terrace and take the gentleman’s way out.’

‘Oh
no,’ cried Leah. ‘There must be another way.

‘Touched
by your concern, my dear, but it is all I have. I am responsible and I must act
like a man. Do the right thing, doncha know.’

Tears
rolled from Leah’s golden eyes.

‘The
Grand Exposition will be my memorial,’ said Lord Brentford, swallowing further
Scotch. ‘Perhaps you might see to it that a bronze bust of meself be put in the
entrance hall. I’d like that, I would.’

Leah
now sobbed fearfully.

And
great big tears welled up in Darwin’s eyes.

‘I’d
like to be alone now, if the two of you don’t mind. Need to sort my will out.
Tie up loose ends and whatnots. The insurance policy is in the envelope there
on the mantelpiece.’

Darwin’s
lip was all a-quiver. Leah took the monkey by the hand.

‘Just
before you go,’ said his lordship, ‘I want to thank you both. Darwin, I know
I’ve treated you badly at times. Sorry about all the business with the bedpans.
But I’ve always cared about you, my boy. Never blessed with children. Thought
of you sometimes as the son I never had.’

Darwin
buried his face in his hands and wept.

‘And,
Leah, my dear. I have never loved a woman as I have loved you. Know there’s
never been any hanky-panky.

Wouldn’t
have considered it until we were married, if such a thing was even possible.
But sadly cannot think of it now. I am sorry.

Leah
hugged Darwin and the two wept piteously.

‘Stiff
upper lips,’ said Lord Brentford. ‘Must be brave and do what must be done. Darwin,
stop blubbering, boy, and go and fetch my gun.’

Darwin
looked towards his master and sniffed away his tears.

‘There
will be no guns,’ said Darwin, ‘for
I
have another solution.’

44

n
the name of Heaven!’ cried Lord Brentford. ‘He speaks! How can this wonder
really be?’

Darwin
shrugged. The game was up. There was no other way.

‘I
was taught,’ said he, ‘by a gentleman known as Herr Döktor. I spent a great
deal of the money you left me in your will. I can read and write also, as it
happens.’

‘But
why didn’t you tell me, boy?’ Lord Brentford was up on his feet. ‘Why hide away
a marvellous gift like that?’

‘Because,’
said Darwin, ‘in truth it makes me neither one thing nor the other. I can
speak, but I am not a man. I am a monkey, yet I can speak. To be one of a kind
in a world such as this is not the best thing to be.’

Lord
Brentford looked both long and hard at Darwin. ‘Come over here and give me a
hug,’ he said. Darwin scampered across the floor and leapt up into his
lordship’s arms.

‘Might
I have a hug, too?’ asked Leah, wiping tears from her golden eyes.

‘Hugs
all round,’ said his lordship, and there were indeed hugs all round.

‘What
an amazing circumstance.’ Lord Brentford smiled as he said this. ‘But sadly it
is a little too late. I still must have my gun.

‘No,’
said Darwin, climbing down. ‘You fail to understand.’

‘A
talking ape is a wonder of the world,’ said Lord Brentford. ‘Please do exhibit
yourself at the Grand Exposition. Say something nice about me, if you would.’

Darwin
shook his little hairy head. ‘You fail to understand,’ he said once more. ‘I
know of a solution to the problem.’

‘Is
there treasure buried somewhere in the grounds?’ Lord Brentford asked.

Darwin
shook his head and said, ‘Now you are just being silly.’

Lord
Brentford actually laughed at this. ‘Priceless,’ he said. ‘Here I am, moments
from death, and a talking ape is being impertinent to me.

‘Please
listen,’ said Darwin. ‘I really do have a solution.’ The three sat down in the
Garden Room and his lordship poured Scotches all round. As Darwin outlined his
personal plan, the silence was profound.

‘Several
years ago,’ the ape began, ‘I found myself aboard a spaceship carrying a band
of Jovian hunters to Venus on a most illegal hunting trip.’

Leah’s
golden eyes widened.

Darwin
continued his tale. ‘I travelled in the company of Colonel Katterfelto, a very
brave man and a dear friend. He wished to avail himself of
Magonium,
the
gold of Venus, to activate a Mechanical Messiah that he had fashioned.’

Lord
Brentford’s eyes widened at this.

Darwin
continued once more. ‘There were diamonds aplenty lying all over the soil of
Venus and many of the hunters filled their pockets. However, when the remaining
members of the party returned to Earth, these precious gems turned into sugar.

‘The
Glamour,’ said Leah.

‘Precisely,’
said Darwin. ‘The Glamour of Fairyland, where one thing can appear to be
another. Or indeed nothing at all. You performed a magical experiment upon me
where you made me invisible, did you not?’

Both
Leah and Lord Brentford nodded.

‘Then,’
said Darwin, ‘it is my proposal that in order to pay off the owings for the
Grand Exposition, we employ a little magical subterfuge.’

‘Go
on,’ said Lord Brentford. ‘I am most intrigued.’

‘If
the Venusian ecclesiastic is willing, I propose we gather together a great deal
of base metal and transmute it into gold — which is to say, give it the outward
appearance of being gold — then pay off all the debts and all the rest to
ensure that the Grand Exposition goes ahead.’

Lord
Brentford’s mouth had fallen widely open. ‘Could that actually work?’ said he.

‘If
the ecclesiastic is willing,’ said Darwin, ‘I certainly believe that she is
capable of such a thing.’

‘Leah?’
Lord Brentford said.

‘It
could be done,’ said Leah. ‘But bear in mind it will not last — whatever we
change will change back.’

‘In a
vault in the Bank of England,’ said Darwin. ‘Where it will no longer be our
concern.

‘By
God, he’s got it,’ cried Lord Brentford. ‘I think he’s got it.’

Leah’s
eyes had a far-away look.

‘What
is it, my dear?’ Lord Brentford asked.

‘If
we were to be discovered,’ said Leah, ‘it would not go well for me.’