The Devil's Tattoo (24 page)

After the show we all went to a bar down the street, everyone
seemingly determined to enjoy the last two shows together. We weren't sure what
we were doing next, but Louie had said The Stabs were going to Europe in a few
weeks and all that did was make me worry more. Things were still a little weird
with Will, especially after the way he'd seemed to fuck me into submission
earlier.

As with everything that had happened with us, things had gone up
and down just as fast in the last day.
An incredible high and
a sickening low.
Nothing was ever simple where Will Strickland was
concerned. I knew it the first time I'd laid eyes on him all those months ago.

As we stood at the bar, the music loud around us, I tried to put
on a happy face, talking to the guys,
socialising
.
Pretending. It wasn't long before I couldn't take it and asked again.

Pulling him aside, I asked, "
Are
you telling me the
whole truth, Will?" He went to embrace me, but I jerked away,
determined not to be put off again.

"
Zoe
."

"You can't screw me into silence, Will."

He let out a strangled moan, pulling me into him. "I'm sorry,
Zo
."

"What's wrong? You're really fucking scaring me."

He hesitated, but finally came out with, "I didn't know if
you'd still want this after the tour was over. I was worked up about it all day
yesterday and I let it get to me instead of just asking you. When we got back,
I didn't want to give you the chance to dump me, so I bolted."

"I wouldn't…"

"I guess I panicked," he shrugged, eyes downcast.

I cupped his face, my thumb rasping across his stubble. "I
don't want this to end."

He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into my hand.
"Good."

"What a stupid thing to think."

He opened his eyes, a smile crossing his face. This time, when he
kissed me, it was the Will I remembered. My heart fluttered a little in my
chest and I began to feel better.

"Let me buy you another drink," he said, turning towards
the bar.

"I still have a whole half."

"So? I'll get you whatever you want."

"Whatever, huh?" I smiled, the mood suddenly
lighter. Nodding, he began to move off, but hesitated, making me bump into
his back. "
Ow
."

Will was looking across the bar at something and frowned, biting
his bottom lip and I'd come to know it was
a tell
. He
was worked up about something.

"What is it?" I asked, squeezing his arm.

"I'll be back in a minute," he said without looking at
me and walked off into the crowd. It was still in the tone of that weird out of
character funk he'd been in. I began to panic a little, thinking I'd done
something this time, but I saw him grab the arm of a pretty looking brunette
and start taking with her. She was as tall as he was, with short spiky hair and
looked very slim for her height. All those things I had thought we'd just put
to rest came flooding back.

Pete was standing at the bar beside me, so I asked, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Mish,” he said as he looked across the room.

“And who's Mish?” I tried and cover my annoyance, but I don’t
think it was working that well.

“Mish was the one who got away.”

My expression instantly fell.
The one who got
away.
He'd never uttered one word about her. Why wouldn't he say
something? Then I
realised
the texts he got yesterday
must have been from her and I wondered if he'd been getting them all along. A
sinking feeling of dread settled in the back of my throat. The thought must
have translated to my face because Pete put a hand on my arm and smiled.

“They were really screwed up,” he said. I know he was just trying
to make it better, but it wasn't really helping. “He won’t go back there. He’d
be an asshole if he did. He’s only got eyes for you.”

I could only nod, not knowing what to say and took my discarded
drink off the bar and pushed through the crowd. I didn’t really want to hear
reassurances that everything would be okay. When the hell did I get so jealous?

I watched them across the dance floor and I almost threw up a
little in my mouth. I mean she was beautiful. Like
model
beautiful.
Tall, willowy, perfect complexion, short brown pixie cut.
I
looked at myself in the mirrored wall behind the bar and all I can see is some
tattooed rock chick with an attitude. If it were a competition based on looks,
then this Mish chick would shit all over me. I suddenly felt inadequate. What
the hell did
Will
see in me? All those things he'd
said, were they even true?

Was it morbid curiosity or a death wish I had? I just had to turn
around again and when I did I almost blew a fuse. She was all up in his
personal space, her hands running up his arms, a sick look of satisfaction on
her face. But what Will was doing is worse. His hands are on her hips and he leant
towards her as if he was trying to listen to what she's saying over the loud
music, but she pushed herself forward and kissed him. My heart seemed to do
this thing where it sputtered and almost died, but I was like a deer caught in
the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer.
A fully laden
semi that would crush me and splatter my insides all over the road for everyone
to see.

Will didn't pull back and for one horrible second, I witnessed him
kissing her back.

I turned away, feeling like I wanted to die and I caught Pete’s
eye. From the expression on his face, he had seen it too.

I walked up to him, slamming my empty bottle on the bar in front
of him and without a
word,
I’m putting on my jacket
and bolting down the stairs back to street level. I didn’t bother texting Dee
or the others. I just had to get out of there.

The security guard looked at me with a raised eyebrow as I pushed
the door open with a violent jab and I could only grimace and walk away as fast
as I could without running. I ignored the little voice in the back of my head
that was telling me, 
I told you so,
 and put my head down and
stared at the footpath as I fled. This was what I was trying to avoid.
This feeling of abandonment.
Uselessness. Trash. I couldn't
help but feel like I had been thrown away again. I clutched my arm against my
stomach and an image of blood flashed through my mind. This felt worse than a
broken arm.

My phone started to ring in my pocket and I ignored it. I just
kept walking and walking, trying to block out the stabbing pain in my chest. My
phone rung again as soon as it stopped and I let it go, but it did it a third
time and I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was Dee. Pete would have
told him. I wonder if Will still had his tongue down
Mish’s
throat and I resisted the urge to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Then I
realised
I was standing on the footbridge that spanned the
Yarra
River, water running swiftly below me, the lights of
the city overhead. I’m the only one on it at this hour, so I leant over the edge
and thought about hurling my phone into the cesspool below. It rung again and I
almost did, but this time I saw that it was Will. And I fucking hated him.

After everything, why would he do that? After the things he
said... I didn't care who she was to
him,
he shouldn't
have fallen for it. But, maybe he wanted to and that was a truth too hard to
swallow. Now that we were home and the tour was ending, I wasn't good enough.

I stared at my phone, trying to fight tears, my knuckles white
around the annoying piece of crap and it stopped. Three missed calls from Dee
and one from Will. It started ringing again and I pressed the ignore button and
turned it off.

I knew I should be screaming at someone or bawling my eyes out or
something, but I just stared blankly at the dark water passing below me and
wondered why. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I always pick the
wrong guy? Why, why, why?

I sighed, the effort seeming to burn through my tight throat and I
just want to go home. I just want to go home and curl up underneath the
blankets and forget I ever came out in the first place. I may have been alone
before, but at least I didn't feel like this.

I let my walls down only to have my heart broken again and this
time it might be irreparable. How could I come back from this? Even as I
thought it, I knew there was no coming back. Not this time.

This time, I'd truly been in love.

CHAPTER
THIRTY-ONE

Will

The tension between Zoe and I had just lifted when I saw Mish across
the bar. I stopped suddenly, anger welling inside me.

"I'll be back in a minute," I said, my eyes fixing on
Mish. I knew exactly what she was doing here and I wasn't going to give her a
clear shot at Zoe.

When she saw me walking towards her, she smiled, "Will."

"I thought I told you to stay away, Mish."

"Oh, you know me," she laughed. "I never do what
I'm told."

I pulled her aside, trying to keep her hidden.

"I'll do whatever you want, Will," she crooned, stepping
into me. "Remember how good it was? You and I?" She bit her lip,
running her hands up and down my arms.

I shook with annoyance. "Stop it, Mish."

"Remember the sex? Remember how I used to take you in my
mouth backstage? Remember?"

That was exactly the kind of thing a guy did remember. I closed my
eyes, trying to think of a way to get rid of her, when she pressed into me, her
mouth on mine. For a split second my body had a mind of its own and I felt
myself kissing her back.

I pushed her away sharply, feeling disgusted. "What the
fuck?"

"I had to show you," she said with a smirk and I knew
she had seen me with Zoe.

"Fuck, Mish. It's never going to happen. Get that through
your head."

She smiled, running a hand down my arm. "I'll see you
again."

"Fuck off," I hissed and walked off, leaving her in the
corner by herself.

I couldn't believe the fucking gall of that woman. I hoped to god
that Zoe hadn't seen that. Looking through the crowd, I couldn't see her at
all. I turned around to look over at the bar, but I turned right into
Dee's fist. He hit me with such
force,
I almost fell
flat on my back.

"I warned you," he spat as I clutched my face.

"I deserved that," I said wryly as Pete came up behind
him, pushing him back.

"Will, what the fuck are you doing?" Pete asked, just as
pissed as Dee was.

"She fucking pushed herself on me," I hissed at them.

"Well,
what-fucking-ever
," Dee
said sarcastically. "Zoe fucking saw, douche bag."

"What?" My heart stopped and I could have thrown up then
and there.

"She's gone, mate," Pete confirmed.

"Fuck," I cursed, fumbling for my phone.

"Don't," Dee said thinly, taking his phone out and
dialing Zoe's number. "No answer." He tried again, and when she
didn't answer again, he tried a third time. "Nothing."

I tried her then, and it rang out. I tried again and the call was
cut off. "I think she's turned it off."

Dee dialed again. "Voicemail." He looked at me with such
fury, I swear he was
gunna
thump me again. "If
something happens to her because of you..."

"Dee," Pete cut in. "Arguing about it won't help
anyone. If you want, we'll help you look for her. Just say the word and I'll
get the guys."

Dee glared at me, his jaw hard.

"Dee?"

"Yeah," he said to Pete. "I know a few places where
she might have gone. If I need your help, I'll call. And you," he looked
back at me pointing an accusing finger at my chest, "stay the fuck away
from her."

I'd fucked up. This was the mother load. And this time, I might
lose Zoe for good. My face throbbed from Dee’s punch and my gut twisted
painfully. It was a reality too hard to take.

CHAPTER
THIRTY-TWO

ZOE

I woke to someone hammering on my front door. It seemed way to
early for that kind of enthusiasm. Rolling over, the clock said that it was 12
noon
. The banging was still going on, so I shouted, “Fuck
off!” and put a pillow over my head.

“Zoe?” I
recognised
Dee’s voice, muffled
through the material. “C’mon, open up. We’re worried sick about you.
Zoe
?”
He’s thumping again and the dog across the way started to bark.

Crawling out of bed with an enraged growl, I pulled on my dressing
gown and opened the front door.

“Thank fuck,” he said, pushing inside and throwing his arms around
me.

“Get off me,” I shoved him away and walked back into the kitchen looking
for something to take the edge off.

“Zoe, Pete told me about…”

I turned around and glared at him.

“I tried calling you, but you turned your phone off.”

“Duh.”

"We've got the show tonight…"

"Duh, again." Before Dee opened his mouth again, I said,
"I know all about it. It will be uncomfortable because I want to punch the
fuckwit in the face. I have an obligation to do the show. I'll be there. Don't
worry about it."

"Okay."

"Just keep him the fuck away from me."

"Zoe…"

"I don't want to hear it, Dee. Ever. I can't do it again. I'm
done. I'm so done."

He strode across the room and pulled
me into his familiar arms and despite my pent up rage
,
I sunk into him
.

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked, trying to
fight back the tears I knew would come after Dee's gone. "What did I
do?"

"You didn't do anything," he murmured. "You're
fuckin
' beautiful, you know that, Zoe? I wish I liked you
that way then it would be a match made in heaven."

"In your dreams, buddy."

He laughed at my half-hearted attempt at a joke. "Can you
imagine our kids? They would be GODS." He pulled me down onto the
couch and cradled me against his chest. "If it's any consolation, I
thumped him one."

"You punched him?"

"No one hurts you while I'm around,
Zo
.
No one."

Maybe it was childish for me to think it, but I hoped it hurt.

"It's just tonight," he said, voice calm.
"Then you never have to see him again if that's what you want."

I nodded, the tears that I'd been trying to hold in since last
night began to spill, staining Dee's t-shirt.

"It's okay," he said. "Let it out. Remember last
time? Holding it in is bad."

I didn't want to, but I remembered last time. I didn't cry for
weeks and when I did, it almost sent me over the edge.
The
kind of edge that you never come back from.
A
bottomless pit of nothingness.

So, I cried and cried and Dee stayed with me until it was time to
go face the music.

I tried not to think about the gig as Dee and I got out of the
taxi. Standing out front of the venue sent sharp stabbing pain through my heart
and my hands shook.

"You okay?" Dee asked. "You look paler than
usual."

I took deep breath. "It's just tonight."

"Just tonight." He slid a hand into mine and led me down
the side street to the stage door. Everyone was already there. Frank, Louie and
Sticks were loitering side of stage. Dean, Chris and Simone were hanging out at
the
merch
table setting things up. There was no sign
of Pete and Will and I was thankful, for now at least.

Simone caught my eye and offered me a small smile and I nodded.

Going backstage I found a quiet corner and leant against the wall.
I could tell myself that I was trying to be strong. Trying to be professional,
but I wasn't even fooling myself. I knew the moment I saw Will, I'd break and
I'd either cry or fly into a blind rage.

"Zoe," a voice splintered through my thoughts.

Spinning around with a scowl, I saw Pete behind me, his hands
jammed into the pockets of his hoodie.

"What?" I spat a little too forcibly.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't think that's a good idea." Talking was the last
thing I wanted to do right now. Right now, I wanted to hurt someone just like I
had been.

"Zoe, it's important."

With an annoyed sigh, I led him back into a storage room, so we
wouldn't be interrupted. This wasn't going to be pleasant and the last thing anyone
needed was an audience.

Slamming the door closed behind him, I sneered. "Talk."

"He's sorry, you know."

"Yeah, well, so am I."

"Somehow I don't think you mean it the same way."

"What gave me away?" I said, leaning back against a
shelf.

"Zoe, there's something you have to understand," he
began carefully and I didn't like where this was going already.

"You told me that she was the one who got away. Is he in love
with her?"

"That's not for me to say."

"Then why the hell are you even talking to me?" I cried.
"Explain it to me, because right now, all you're doing is sinking in the
boot."

"You need to let him talk to you, Zoe."

"Was he with her this whole time?" I asked, thinly,
holding back tears. When Pete frowned, but didn't respond, I let all my anger
out. "Was he with her this whole time? I swear to god, if you don't answer
me Pete…"

"No, he wasn't," he said, holding a hand up to calm me.
"That first gig he said he saw you at, things had only just ended with
Mish. It was bad. It destroyed him."

"So, I was just a rebound? Is that what this was?" I
felt bile in the back of my throat. The things I'd said to him. I felt sick.
He'd said he didn't know how to handle how he felt about me. Suddenly, I
realised
it must have been because he still had feelings
for Mish. This whole time, had he been in love with someone else?

"No, Zoe. They're over. They were over before he even laid
eyes on you. When he finally told me about you, I understood. He was
getting better. Getting over it. Because of
you
."

"Somehow I don't believe you. If that were true, he wouldn't
have kissed her back." Pete's expression fell and I knew what I'd
just said was the truth. All those things he'd told me. That he didn't want to
hurt
me, that
he would do anything I asked of him…
That I was his and he was mine.
They were all
lies
.

"I can't make excuses for him," he said quietly. "I
don't know why he did it, but I do know that you and him…"

"Me and him,
nothing
." It came out so full of
hate and
anger, that
I even scared myself. "If a quick
fuck on the side is what he wanted, then he fucking got it. I believed I was
nothing for so long and he made me believe. He made me believe I was worth
something. Now he has his fucking future back and I'm kicked to the
fucking curb. Any faith I had in the human race was pitiful before, now
it's all fucking gone."

Pete grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "Calm
down. It's not like that at all."

"I can't fucking
calm down
. Do you understand how I
feel? I feel like a fraud. I'm the other woman. I'm nothing but something to be
used. That's how I feel. He didn't hit me like..." I bit my lip to stop
myself and took a deep breath, "but he may as well have."

"Someone hit you?" Pete's eyes widened. "Zoe,
I…"

"Drop it, Pete."

He let go of my shoulders and took a step back, uncertainty etched
into all of his features.

"He needs to stay away from me."

But, Pete wasn't done with me yet. "Look, I know Will better
than anyone. We grew up together. We lived on the same street since we were
six.
This thing with him and you?
It's real, Zoe. It's
the best thing that's ever happened to him. You need to let him explain."

"I'm done with explanations." I pushed the door open and
stalked out, trying to hold myself together. He may have meant well, but all
Pete had done was
make
it a billion times worse.

Once upon a time, the man I'd loved betrayed me and destroyed my
life. Now, it was happening again. I was so done. No one was ever getting in
again.

And just like that, the walls around my heart slammed closed.

After the gig, I waited for the guys just inside the venue, well
aware that The Stabs were still busy packing up. So far, Pete and Dee had
stayed true to their word and kept Will away from me. It was a trend
I wanted to continue until I didn't have to see him anymore. The Devil's Tattoo
and The Stabs would never be on the same bill again if I had anything to do
with it.

Dee and Frank appeared beside me, looking like they were ready to
go. Chris had left with Simone a while ago and at least something had worked
out for someone.

"Zoe?" Dee was looking at me, a frown creasing his brow.

I looked at Frank and he shrugged, going outside.

"Zoe?" Dee asked again and this time I looked him in the
eye.

"What?"

"You love him, don't you?"

"Loved," I almost choked on the word. I had loved him,
but I couldn't live with that kind of hurt again. "The emphasis being on
the past tense."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, I believe me," I said, shoving through the stage
door. Conversation over.

It was a short walk to the bar we'd agreed on going to. The last
gig of the tour was over and this was meant to be a party to celebrate. Ninety
nine percent of our shows had sold out, our
merch
was
down to zero and album sales were up. We should be happy. The band was going
crazy. But, I couldn't feel anything.

Dee walked with me, his arm around my waist.

"You don't have to baby me, " I said, shrugging him off
and jamming my hands into my pockets.

"
Zo
."

"You should be celebrating with the others."

"I want you here," he said. "You're a part of this
too. And if that means I have to take care of you, then so be it."

We stood out front of
Ding Dong Lounge
, our bar of choice
and he hugged me.

"Zoe."

I stiffened at the sound of Will's voice, pulling away sharply
from Dee. I didn't dare turn around, because if I did, I would have punched him
right in the face and I needed my hand to play.

"Leave her be, man," Dee's voice filtered through my
simmering rage. "Don't you think you've done enough?"

"I need to explain."

I didn't hear any more. I kept walking, disappearing inside the
bar and leaving his empty words behind.