The Deepest Red (37 page)

He leans back into his chair, withdrawing his hand.

              “When we got older, I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I was young and stupid,” he says shaking his head. “I fell in love with your mother the day she told me what I could do with my books.”

A small laugh escapes his mouth as he loses himself in the memories.

“Kayla was sweet but had a temper that would match any man’s. She was gentle but if provoked, could bring you to your knees and her imagination...” He lets the sentence hang in the air like a sweet perfume.

I try to imagine the woman in my nightmares as the one he describes but the hollowness pulses when she collapses into ashes.

“When she told a story it was like reading the words out of one of my favorite books. I loved hearing her create different voices as her story took on a life of its own.” He finally focuses on me with watery eyes. “When you were born, it was the happiest day of my life. I was so fortunate. I didn’t deserve either of you.”

He breaks eye contact to pick up the pen that was left forgotten on the table.

“That night I thought I was with your mother,” he says a tear escaping his eye. “Millie, you got to understand.” His voice breaks. “They looked exactly alike and she was wearing your mother’s necklace.”

Dad’s knuckles turn white as he grips the pen, all color on his face completely drained.

“I didn’t know it wasn’t her until Kayla walked in on us.” He pauses, reliving the memory. “It took several minutes before I even realized that the woman yelling at me was my wife and not her jealous sister. I tried to follow Kayla but I only got lost. Tom found me in the red zone and convinced me to stay behind the fences while he searched for her. Everything is fuzzy after that. I believe I hit Katlin but I can’t be sure- I just don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” I say, flabbergasted. “You slept with mom’s sister and couldn’t tell the difference?”

I lean forward as he struggles with himself.

“They were identical, she didn’t act like Katlin and she was wearing your mother’s necklace.”

Pain reflects back at me as he attempts to convince me of his innocence.

“I’ve spent years haunted,” he says. “When she died, I wanted to follow her but I didn’t because of you. I love you. I did my best to raise you like she would’ve and I wanted to protect you from such a horrible past.”

“What happened to Katlin?” I ask, causing him to straighten.

“She was gone the next morning,” he replies.

Dad places the pen on his book then pushes them both away.

“When Tom came back from the red zone, he told me what happened. I made him promise not to tell another person so that you could have a normal life. This is a small community, if they had known all the details you would’ve suffered from their judgements. A handful of people had guessed but I made them promise to keep it to themselves- for you.”

I stand.

“So this was better?” I ask.

“I did the best I could Millie. You have to believe me.”

I walk to the door and turn.

“I don’t know who to believe anymore,” I say and hear his quiet sobs as I close the door behind me.

Everything I see in the library looks different from before, strange and foreign. I’m in a daze as I walk through the prison’s hallways. After all this time, I finally have a few answers about my mother’s death but instead of being satisfied I’m left with more questions.
Did Katlin kill my mother or did she discover her like she said?
I allow agony to numb my mind from asking more questions I’ll never have answers to. When I reach my living quarters, I kick over a stack of books on my floor in an act of frustration. A sick satisfaction surfaces when they scatter, a few hitting the wall.

I stay in my room for days afterwards, doing nothing but drowning in my depression. Clover brings portions of food from the cafeteria even though I know she wants to hide in her own bed. There has been no word of Connor or the group he left with. Tessa comes to read to me after her chores. It reminds me of the days when she first arrived in the hospital only our roles are reversed.

“Mrs. Emerson isn’t happy about you missing your chores,” she tells me.

“I don’t care. What can they do to me anyway?” I say, drawing my rough blanket up around my shoulders.

She leaves me alone after she realizes I’m no longer good company. Another day goes by and I watch the light from my window slowly dim.

“Millie.”

I hear my name in a strict and stern tone. I lift my head to find Mrs. Emerson at my doorway, her arms folded before her.

“Are you sick?” she asks, clearly annoyed.

“No. I’m not,” I say, turning over so my back is toward her.

“Then what’s your problem. You haven’t reported to your chores, you aren’t training or coming to eat,” she states waiting for my explanation.

I close my eyes tightly.

“I found out about my mother and her sister,” I turn to face her letting her see my swollen eyes “and forgive me but I’m taking a break.”

She stands silently staring in shock. Sorrow and regret filters into her facial expression. After a moment, she walks toward my bed and sits on the mattress’ edge.

“They were my best friends.” She clears her throat. “I’m not going to apologize to you Millie. Your dad told me not to say anything so I didn’t. You’re his daughter and at the time that was enough. As the years passed and you trained under me, I did change my mind.”

I let out a long sigh and stare at the ceiling above.

“Take another day and then leave this room. Learn to deal and move on. Out of all the things I’ve taught you, this is the most challenging.”

She rest her hand on my arm, drawing my attention.

“I’ll leave this room if you send me out on the next scouting mission,” I say. She winces. “I need to leave this place for awhile,” I finish.

“With the infected out in the red zone, you might be adding only more sorrow,” she replies.

I nod.

“I understand but you said on the last mission you didn’t have any problems dispersing the infected.”

Standing up she looks down on me.

“Okay. The annual trip to Barnesville is coming up. It’s a three week trip. You can go on that mission but I want you to reconsider what you ask.”

I shake my head and pull my thin blanket over my head signalling our conversation is over.

Chapter Twenty-One

              The air is warm on my freezing skin. I trace a blue vein running along the top of my hand. Ice flows through the narrow pathway like blood, just underneath my translucent flesh. I glance away from the unnatural site when a voice calls to me. I’m not alone. Before me are two young girls around ten years old. They’re twins. The breeze strengthens into a heavy wind, tangling my hair. I struggle to control the wild mane in order to greet the children. They’re laughing as they run in circles around each other. Their brilliant red hair gleams in the sunshine. Warmth radiates around them, through them. The bright rays of the sun touches their arms, legs, necks causing their skin to shimmer with sweat. I’m mesmerized by the scene, unable to blink.

All around, the forest is alive. Small animals scurry from tree to tree avoiding the sisters playing. Bees hum in the distance as they fly from one wild flower to another. The leaves cast shadows over the children’s playground, protecting their secret hiding spot from the world around them. I try to speak but words no longer belong to me as I raise my heavy hand to touch the enchanting scene.

My gesture is abruptly halted when a dark cloud moves to block the vibrant sun, creating shadows that move along the trees like prowling predators on the hunt. In horror, I watch as darkness falls upon the two siblings. They separate, unaware of the chill sweeping the forest’s floor. One girl unlodges a fluffy white teddybear from behind a boulder. She lets out a joyful laugh.

“Look what I found!” she exclaims. “You will be my new best friend.”

She smiles and pets the animal’s head, wiping away a thin coat of dirt.

The plush toy’s fur is filthy with a button eye hanging loosely from its fabric. With all the bear’s faults, the girl hugs it tightly to her. After long moments, she sits cheerfully on the green cushioned grass- playing by herself. She sings songs of love to the toy and lifts it in the air letting the ragged animal dance on an invisible stage. The sister having seen the teddy bear, looks on in envy. Her nose squints in anger.

The jealous sibling, with an audible huff, stalks toward the other and rips the toy from her tiny hands.

“Mine,” she hisses as she cuddles the worn material against her face.

With hands empty of the teddy bear the little girl on the ground begins to sob, rocking back and forth. Through her tears I hear her childlike voice; The voice clear inside my head.

“You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly.”

The white teddy bear vanishes as the last word is spoken.

“No!”

The envious child clinches her hands, fury pulsing in her small body.

“What did you do to it?” she snaps at her sister still rocking on the ground.

Color drains from her body, her hair becoming streams of blood. A blinding light flashes, burning my eyes. When I look up, the twins have aged into young women.

“You always ruin everything.”

In a roar full of jealousy, anger and blind hatred, the young woman lifts her sister by the hair. The ensnared woman screams out in pain, reaching out toward her once beloved sister.

“Why do you always blame me?” she sobs.

“Because it is always your fault! Everyone loves you more!” the angry woman yells.

I watch, unable to move as the envious sibling violently snaps the neck of the other. The beautiful woman’s body lands in a heap on the ground- her piercing blue eyes staring into a stormy sky.

Falling beside the corpse at her side, the murderous sister wraps her arms around the cold body. Her breath is labored as she studies her sister’s pale skin. Her fingers comb through the red hair now mixed with dirt and fallen leaves.

“This is all your fault. You made me this way.” she says, dropping the strands.

Ice begins to form on the lifeless vessel.  The young woman cries out in overwhelming pain- cursing the very warmth she had possessed moments before.

Finally able to move, I step forward. The motion catches the sister’s attention. Her cold blue eyes widen. Rain falls between us. In a blur of movements, she stands in front of me. I recognize insanity staring back into my soul; bitterness lacing the very depth of her sorrowful expression. She tilts her head in a curious manner and reaches out for me. The ice in my veins melt as she draws nearer. I flinch as bloody hands touch something around my neck. I glance down and realize I’m wearing my mother’s silver cross necklace. In a broken voice my mother’s twin speaks to me.

“A tranquil heart gives life to flesh,” she drops the necklace back to my chest.

I feel the pressure of it weighing onto my heart. Reaching behind her she pulls out a rust covered knife.

“but envy makes the bones rot,” she spits out the words as if the very letters disgust her.