The Dead Fathers Club (16 page)

Romans used to think when you died you went to the Underworld. You went over the River Styx on a ferry and went to a happy place called Hades. But you could only go if you had been buried properly because if you werent buried properly with no coin in your mouth the ferryman called Charon wouldnt let you cross the river. So your dead body would just stay on the river till dogs came to eat it up. There were nasty angels called Furies who watched all the dead bodies and they laughed and liked seeing all the blood because most of the people who werent buried had died bad deaths. Some had been CRUCIFIED and some had got their heads chopped off or their throats cut and some like the Christians had been chomped by lions but the Furies liked seeing all the blood because they thought the bodies deserved it and it made them feel happy for being angels not humans because angels are better than humans and ghosts and they dont feel pain.

I woke up and it was still dark. There was a sound of a train far away and it was like the world was doing a sigh. Sometimes when you wake up you are in a different time like you have gone in a time machine and the time I was in was before Dad died.

Everything was normal and Dad was in bed with Mum in the next room sleeping with his arm flopped over her and I was thinking about going to see Derby with him on Saturday. It was going to be good and my thinking was getting faster and less sleepy and pushing me through time until I was in this morning.

Then I knew Dad wasnt in the next room and he was not taking me to the Football and when I remembered a heavy feeling came into my brain.

In the future there will probably be scales that can weigh how heavy memories are and it will be like when Mum and Renuka went to Weightwatchers. People or special doctors at Brainwatchers will say This memory is very heavy you need to lose weight in your brain.

Then they will tell you to exercise your brain in the right way to make it lighter.

My brain was so heavy this morning I didnt think I would be able to get it off the pillow without shaking out some of the pictures in my head of Dad. Like the picture of him when he flicked water on me and Mum when he was in the swimming pool in Rhodes and we were dry on the sunbeds.

Or the heavier picture of him when it was Christmas Day and the Pub was closed and he was wearing his orange paper crown and he cried at Titanic and said Im not crying dont be daft Im not crying but he was.

Or when we went to see Derby and we had to hide our scarves because we were sitting with all the Away fans.

Or the heaviest picture of all which was when we went to Sconce Hills in the snow and his face was red and cold but his hands were warm in his woolly pattern gloves and I was still little enough not to be scared of holding his hand and he was dragging the sledge.

He was looking down at me and his words made clouds in the air and snowflakes turned into rain on his nose and his words said Come on Ill race you to the top.

And he let go of my hand and ran up the hill and even though he was pulling the sledge I didnt catch him. But then he slowed down at the top and let me run past. And when I ran past him he said like on the TV And Philip Noble in lane seven comes straight from behind and takes his place in the History books with a new World Record.

And then when we were at the top we both crunched onto the snow on our backs and laughed clouds up to the sky and I sat on my elbows and looked at him lying in the snow and felt the most happy ever but then I cant remember anything else because the picture is snow and melts in my brain.

I heard water running like a waterfall. It was the bath. It was Uncle Alan having his bath.

Then my brain went click like Lego and I remembered his exploding Bath Salts and I wondered if it would explode the whole Pub or just in the bathroom. I thought it would just be in the bathroom because the walls were thick and the bath was thin and Uncle Alan was soft.

And I just stayed lying in bed holding my breath and trying to stop me from stopping Uncle Alan getting in the bath.

The water was still running and there was a voice coming out of the bathroom and it wasnt Alan it was just saying Alan.

Alan.

Alan.

Alan.

Alan.

Alaaaan!

I thought Oh no but then I thought Its OK because Mum doesnt have a bad back and then I heard Alan in Mums bedroom and he said What?

And Mum said Shall I put your Bath Salts in?

And it wasnt Mums bath. She was running Uncle Alans bath for him like he was a King and she was a Slave and I thought Oh no because she was about to blow herself up.

Uncle Alan said If youd be so kind.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom and tried to open the door but it wouldnt open and I banged on it and Uncle Alan said behind me What the hell?

I said Mum.

Mum!

Mum!

Mum!

Mum!

Mum!

I kept trying the handle and banging on the wood with my hand and then I banged with my feet and they were bare feet but I didnt feel them hurt.

I said Mum dont use the Salts! Dont use the Salts! Dont put them in the water!

Mum turned off the tap and she said through the door Philip?

I said Open the door Mum open the

She was standing there with the green towel on her like a dress with her bare shoulders and her bare legs. She was holding the Bath Salts with the top screwed on and I grabbed them out of her hand and she said Philip? What on Earth are you doing?

After I grabbed the Bath Salts that werent Bath Salts I held them onto my chest like I was holding a Rugby ball and I heard Mums voice chasing me.

Philip?

Philip?

Philip?

Philip?

Philip?

And I was in my pyjamas and in my bare feet and I ran down the stairs and down the hall past the office. I opened the back door and I ran out into the car park with my feet hurting on the little bits of stones that were on the ground and I went right over to the Bottle Banks and put them in the Green Bottle Bank. I ran quickly away because the glass smashed and there was water and wine inside the Bottle Bank and I thought it would explode like in a film with a big fireball and a black smoke cloud but it didnt it just started making pings and smashes.

Ping!

Smash!

Ping!

Smash!

Ping!

Smash!

Ping!

Smash!

And it was weird like all the glass for Recycling had made some mad glass creature alive inside the Bottle Bank that wanted to escape but couldnt break through the metal. After a bit the creature called the Glassman gave up and there were no more noises out of the Bottle Bank.

I was standing still in the car park now and I heard a Beep!

It was Carla and her hoop earrings in her little white car with the headlights still on and she was frowning through the windscreen but not in a cross way.

And I looked at her and I lifted my hand in a wave and I went over the tarmac to the back door and Uncle Alan was there in his dressing gown and his ENGLAND GLORY T shirt underneath but you could only see the AND and he said What you doing son?

I said Er for ages.

I said Er Er Er recycling.

The real Uncle Alan inside the pretend Uncle Alan said in an angry voice What?

I was scared but Carla was shutting her car door and coming over and this made the real Uncle Alan hide again and the pretend Uncle Alan smiled at Carla and her earrings and he said All right love.

Carla said Hiya duck.

She looked at me and my bare feet and Uncle Alan said Kids.

Carla smiled and thought of Ross and Gary and said You dont have to tell me.

And then there was a tinkle sound right next to my feet. A little bit of green glass had pinged out of the Bottle Bank. Uncle Alan looked at me and I lifted my shoulders.

I went inside and upstairs and Mum was on the top of the stairs in her towel and she said Philip whats got into you? And what have you done with Uncle Alans Bath Salts?

I said I dont know.

She said What do you mean you dont know?

I said I thought it was empty. I put it in the Bottle Bank.

She said Philip why are you doing this to me?

I said Im not doing anything.

She said Why are you making it so hard? Is it because of your fish?

Uncle Alan came up the stairs after speaking to Carla and Mum started sniffing up tears.

Uncle Alan said to me Do you see what youre putting your mother through lad?

The real me inside the pretend me came out and said Its your fault! Its all your fault!

And I went into my room and shut my door and left Mum crying into Uncle Alans dressing gown.

Dad told me Daddy long legs which are crane flies are the most poisonous animals in the world but they never kill anyone because they cant poison anyone without teeth and they have no teeth. So if all the other animals pick on them and shout Oi long legs! they cant do anything. They can say Im very poisonous and it is true but the other animals wont believe them because they never poison anyone. They know they could kill and go up the FOOD CHAIN if they had teeth but they dont because God forgot. I dont know if this is true or not.

Mrs Fell over Mrs Fell in love Mrs Fell down a cliff Mrs Fell a tree Mrs Fell tip pen was sitting in her chair and she said You can talk to me Philip. You can tell me anything.

I said I know Miss.

She said Anything at all.

I said I know.

She said Is there anything youd like to tell me?

I said Like what?

She said Like anything. Like what you are thinking right now.

I was thinking about how Ray Goodwin was murdered so I said Im not thinking anything.

She said How are you going to spend the weekend?

I said I dont know.

She said Are you going to do anything interesting?

I lifted the question up on my shoulders.

She said If you could do anything this weekend what would you like to do?

I said I cant.

She said Cant what.

I said I cant do anything.

She said I know. But if you could do anything. Anything at all. What would it be? How would you like to spend your time?

Mrs Fell always says things like this. She is nice but she doesnt understand some things. She doesnt know that time is not like pocket money that you can spend because time is the person spending the pocket money and the pocket money is you.

I said If I could do anything?

She said Yes. If you could do anything in the world.

I said Anything?

She said Anything at all.

I said Id go to Rhodes with my mum and dad.

Her smile got more stretched on every word and then it snapped back when I said Dad.

She said Yes Philip. Yes. All right. Yes. But your dad

I said My dads dead.

She said Yes Philip yes he is.

I said And I cant bring him back.

She closed her eyes and said in a soft voice No. No Philip Im afraid you cant.

I said But you said anything.

She said Yes yes I did.

I thought Mrs Fell was feeling bad so I said Id like to go to Rome as well.

She smiled again and said Rome?

I said Id like to go to the Circus Maximus and see the chariots.

She said I dont think they still do the chariot racing.

I said I know I mean Id like to go to Ancient Rome. In a time machine.

She said Oh.

I said Id go to the Colosseum and see the Gladiators.

She said It might get a bit violent.

I said Id like to see the Retiarii.

She said Which ones are they?

I said Theyre the ones with nets like fishermen and big forks.

She said You like History dont you Philip?

I said Its my favourite subject.

I wanted to say that Mrs Fell was my favourite Teacher but I didnt.

She said Its mine too.

I said Everythings History.

She said Yes.

I said Did you always want to be a Teacher?

She said in a sad voice Not always. No.

I said What did you want to be?

She said Oh all sorts of things.

I said Like what?

She sighed and said An actress.

I said Youd be a good actress.

She smiled and a twinkle went on in her eyes and she said Why? Why do you think that?

I said Because youre pretty.

I said it just like that not thinking. And then it was out of my head and inside the room in the pot of marker pens and coming out of the computer and on the papers on her desk.

Because youre pretty because youre pretty because youre pretty.

And my cheeks went red and the red was catching and Mrs Fell caught it.

She said Well I dont know about that. But Im sure flattery will get you everywhere Philip.

I had to say something. I had to say anything at all to rub out Because youre pretty and so I said My fish melted.

She said What?

I said My tropical fish melted. The water was too hot.

She said Oh Philip thats terrible. Im so sorry.

I said What for?

And she said Im sorry about what happened to your fish.

I dont know why people say sorry when they havent done the thing they are saying sorry for. It is like everyone in the world is a little bit to blame for everything.

I said It was my uncle Alan.

She said Oh Philip Im sure it

I said He turned up the heater.

She said Did you see him turn up the heater Philip?

I said No. But I know it was him.

She said Im sure whatever happened it was an accident. Life is full of accidents Philip. Thats one of the biggest lessons of History.

History.

Fishtory.

I said Not if youre religious.

She said What?

I said If youre religious then everythings Gods fault.

She said Well I

I said Do you think thats why Emperor Nero blamed the Christians?

She said Emperor Nero?

I said For the fire in Rome.

She said I dont know. I dont think so Philip.

I said I think so Miss. I think thats why.

I thought it was weird that Mrs Fell thought everything was an accident because Ray Goodwin her dad was murdered but I thought Mrs Fell is not a normal type of person.

And then I said Have you ever done anything bad? That you did on purpose?

She looked at me and drank me with her eyes and she waited a long time and she said Yes Philip yes.

I was going to ask what it was that she did and I think she would have said but I didnt ask her because I still wanted to believe in the Mrs Fell in my head so I didnt say anything at all.