The Daughter in Law (6 page)

It burned me
up that I couldn’t get back at her, that she could just waltz into my home and
go through my shit and the asshole law said I couldn’t do anything about it. No
way in hell she was getting away with this shit. This is war. I made sure it
was safe before using his phone to call her. I know her black little stump of a
heart would go pitter-patter when she saw that it was
him
calling.

“Well it’s about time I thought for
sure…”

“Listen you demented sea gnome, I know you have my ring. If
I don’t have it back by end of day tomorrow I’m
gonna
take out a restraining order against you. Think about that, you won’t be able
to set foot anywhere near our home again and I’d be sure to attach my ass to my
husband wherever he goes so that’s out.” I hung up before she could answer. I
had no idea if I could really do that because the law seemed to be made up by
fuckwits; but
haggie
was dumb as a door post so I’m
pretty sure she wouldn’t know either.

I got all of five minutes to do my
happy dance. “Vanessa, get down here. Now.”

I went down the stairs a little wary at the tone in his
voice. “Did you just call my mother?”

What the hell, I didn’t hear
the phone ring. He must’ve turned off the ringer in the bedroom the sneak. I
folded my arms and looked ten shades of innocent. I wasn’t giving shit away
unless I had to.

“Answer me, did you call? After I
told you I would take car of it?”

“I don’t know, what did minotaur say I did?”

“She said you threatened her, now she wants to come over and
talk…where are you going? I’m talking to you.”

“I have to check the cupboards, see how many cans of tuna we
have left.”

“What you’re hungry?” His voice dropped a couple decibels.
Damn this baby thing is the shit. Too bad I had to burst his bubble.

“Nope, I keep them handy to throw at your hag of a mother
and your bitch face sister.” I kept walking with him following behind me
muttering about hormones and some shit else. I checked my stash before turning
back to him.

“Call that bitch back and tell her to come.”

“Babe, we’re a team remember? Help
me out here; stop lining up those damn cans and come sit down.”

“I can listen to you and count my cans at the same time, go
on.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the table.

“Babe, I am trying to navigate this
minefield the best way I know how. I just found out that my mother, a woman
I’ve loved and respected my whole life isn’t…well, you know.”

“She’s an agent for the devil is
what she is. And there’s only one way to eradicate such evil, a nice stake
through the heart ought to do it.” He glared at me but whatever.

“Vanessa, do not forget that
this is still my mother we’re talking about. You’re my wife, I get it, united
we stand. Now that I understand what that means to you I’m gonna do my best to
see that you get what you need from me, though I think you should’ve known this
all along.”

“I’m not a mind reader and this
little talk better not be leading up to you telling me things are going back to
the way they were, because I will pack me and the little pin up and be so
gone.”

“Hey, don’t threaten me, nobody’s going anywhere so calm
your little ass down. Don’t pout you deserved that for acting like a brat.”

“If we’re dishing out what
people deserve then I should get to run your mother over with the truck at least
twice, that’s only fair.”

He was back to glaring and grinding
his teeth. “Are you gonna stop?” I huffed and folded my arms. I did not like
this conversation at all, let me tell you. Then again I hated any conversation
having to do with the Cyclops.

“As I was saying, I’m trying to handle this situation in a
way that’s best for all involved. You and the baby are most important in this
equation, please remember that the next time my mother gets under your skin.”

“She doesn’t get under my skin, she’s more like an ass
ache…”

“Vanessa for the love of…” He was on to pulling out his hair
now.

“Listen, let me make this easy for you. If that troll from
the seventh level of hell doesn’t give me back my nana’s ring
ain’t
nobody gonna have any peace. Me and Tommy will go on a
rampage, and just so you know I hid him so you can’t take him away.”

“I’ll talk to her about the ring
just please let me handle it will you.”

“Fair enough but I don’t want her here, she’ll just be
getting her way and I can’t have that.”

“Where do you suggest? You want to go there?”

“Have you been hitting the pipe? I thought they screened you
soldier types. Of course I don’t want to go there.”

“Fine we’ll meet at a restaurant.”

“Yeah because that worked out so well last time.”

“Okay I give up; what do you suggest?”

“A shooting range sounds good.”

“You know you could have some sympathy for my part in all
this.”

“Oh yeah, what part is that?”

“Stuck in the middle of two
crazy ass women…” I threw the first can at his head. Hey my aim’s still good,
all those years of softball paid off.

“Are you insane?”

“Didn’t you just get through calling me crazy?”

“Is this that hormone thing again or are you just fucking
with me?” Like I was
gonna
answer that.

“What did you say when she said she was coming over?”

“I told her I would talk it over with you first. I’m not too
jazzed about seeing her so soon after the other night, but with the ring thing
she kinda forced my hand.”

“Which is just what she
wanted.” I didn’t tell him that because he didn’t tell her no outright, that
she would take that to mean it was okay to show up at my door. Saying he had to
talk it over with me first was like a red flag for that loon. I know her so
well and I had something for her ass.

“Are the men finished?”

“Oh yeah, I have to show you how the new system works.
What’re you grinning at?”

“Oh nothing, come show me.”

He walked me through and showed me all the cameras and
whatnot he’d had installed. I snuck and unlocked the door when he wasn’t
looking. Since the locks had been changed hagfish wouldn’t be able to get in
and this was the one time I wanted her to find her way in. I wasn’t worried
about my father in law or any of the others coming with her, they had work and
lives that did not involve making mine a living hell.

When I got started
on him in the living room he didn’t know what hit him. “Feeling frisky are
you?” I felt a momentary pang at using him this way but
shit,
I had to get my digs in where I could. I kept my ears pricked while making
enough noise to keep him distracted. The dick was so good though I got
sidetracked. If this didn’t work the way I expected at least I would’ve got a
nice afternoon drilling out of it.

“Oh yeah baby right there.” He was
hitting the coochie so good. I kept egging him on to make him crazy. “Oh yeah
fuck that pussy like you own it big boy.” He only drilled me harder when I bit
his ear and ran my nails down his back. I knew he was close so I put the
kegel
with a twist on his ass and it was off to the races.

“Shit Vanessa how
can
your pussy be
this fucking good? Fuck I’m cumming.”

Her screech was loud enough to raise the dead. Oops.

“Mom what the fuck, what are you
doing here?”

I took note of the fact that he did not get up. It could be
because he had just off loaded and wasn’t thinking straight, but I don’t think
so because he was trying to shield me from the idiot.

“Get up from there, oh my word
this is so disgusting.” She was fuming; her little boy was being soiled. I’ll
show that bitch
who
’s a tart.

“MOM GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.” She
jumped a mile in the air before storming out of the room. Not before she threw
a glare my way though. I just smiled back at her, where he couldn’t see of
course. Until I had that ring, life as she knew it was over.

“I’m sorry baby.” He finally pulled out and helped me up.

“It’s okay.” I had my sad face
on of course. I got a kiss and a squeeze for my troubles. “Don’t be embarrassed
baby we weren’t doing anything wrong. She’s wrong for just barging in here like
that.” He pulled me out of the room behind him after we’d made ourselves
decent.

Her nuttiness
Billaby
frig was sitting on the couch with her nose in the air looking
put
upon.

“Really Damien, I expected better of you.”

“I don’t see why, you showed up at our home unannounced. How
did you get in anyway?”

“What do you mean? The door was open but I still have a
key.”

“No you don’t, we changed the locks after the place was
broken into. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you mom?”

“Are you accusing me of
something?” he studied her like a gnat under a scope.

“I know when you’re lying, now the
only thing I can’t understand is why you would take my wife’s things?

Was it just to hurt her?”

“I don’t know what…”

“Can it mom. Where is her
ring?” She sniffed and acted all hurt but she wasn’t fooling me.

“I didn’t come over here to be
insulted.”

“Did you greet the lady of the house?” Say what now?
oh
this ought to be good.

“What?”

“Vanessa, this is her home, you entered it; did you say
hello?”

“I don’t see why I should after what she…”

“You can leave now.”

I wanted to jump, clap and high
five my man all at the same time, but there was still the matter of my ring.

“I’ll come another time when
you’ve come to your senses. I can’t begin to imagine what’s gotten into you.
You don’t have that PTSD thing do you son?” This bitch takes the cake. He was
finally putting her in her place so
obviously,
he had
to be suffering some sort of debilitating disorder. I could only shake my head
in wonder.

She stood to leave and I looked at
Damien to see what he would do. He’d asked me to let him deal with it after
all. But when it didn’t look like he was going to say anything more I blocked
her path.

“My ring.” I held out my hand; she looked back at her son
for help.

“Vanessa…”

“Fuck this.” I pulled the bag from
her shoulder as she screamed and yelled about calling the cops. Damien was
trying to get to me but I was smart, I emptied everything out on the floor and
had her scampering.

I saw my ring wrapped in tissue
and pounced. “Call the cops thief and explain to them how my shit got in your
purse.” She was red faced and hyperventilating. Good bitch I hope you stroke
out, evil twat.

My eye caught on something and I
bent to pick it up. Damien was just looking at his mom as though he hadn’t
really expected her to have the damn ring.

“Oh shit what’s this?” I turned the picture over so Damien
could see and she made a grab for me.

“Touch me bitch and I will
Rocky your ass.” I’m sure the idiot didn’t know who Rocky was but it worked.
Damien was studying the picture in disbelief.

“Those are my panties but that’s
not my ass and that guy sure ain’t you.”

“Mom what’s this?” He turned the picture over for her to see
and she looked away.

“Were you…are you trying to set
her up? What the hell is wrong with you?” This imp from hades really had gone around
the bend.

She tried
making tracks for the door but
Dami
wasn’t having it.
Something about those pictures and what they entailed must’ve flipped his
switch, because he was all but twitching. “Oh no you don’t, you don’t get off
that easily. What are these pictures mom? And don’t pretend you don’t know what
I’m getting at because it’s plain to see. The woman in this picture is hidden
except for the hair and the underwear. I’m guessing I was supposed to see these
and believe this was my wife with another man’s hands all over her ass?”

“I just want to leave Damien,
please just let me leave; haven’t you embarrassed me enough?”

“Me embarrass you? Please tell
me how the fuck this is about you. You claim to love me and this is the shit
you do? I’m glad I found this out now because I don’t want your poison around
my kid.” Oh shit Damien you mook. Why
why
why
?

Oh hell.

Haggie’s
whole expression changed, no joke. It was like watching something out of The
Body Snatchers. Her head did a complete three sixty and she zoomed in on my
nonexistent tummy. I think she was foaming at the mouth a bit. Think
Cujo
on steroids. I backed away a little because she was
seriously beginning to scare me and I didn’t trust that gleam in her eye.

“Kid?
you’re
pregnant?” I glared at clueless who was still looking
pissed and had no idea he’d just opened Pandora’s box. If there’s one thing I
know it’s that the Gila monster would move heaven and earth to get her hands on
our offspring. She’d waxed poetic about it enough. Of course I had no plans on
telling her until say, college graduation, but shit.

“How can you
cut me out of your life at a time like this, with a baby coming? Neither of you
know the first thing about raising a child, of course you’re
gonna
need your mother’s help. I better call Jackie and have a talk. Does she know?”
She gave me this demonic grin like she’d like nothing more than to have
one-upped my momma. Hah, good luck with that. I reveled in giving her the news.

“Of course, she’s my momma. I told
her right after I told my pooh bear days ago.”

I almost felt sorry for her
hurt, sad look, almost. But then I remembered her telling his ex skank how much
she wished he’d married her instead of me and I wanted to break her face.

“Let’s go mom it’s time for you to
leave.”

“But, the baby…”

“Is none of your concern; you made your choice with your
behavior.” He was actually dragging her by her arm towards the door. I knew
this victory would be short lived. There’s no telling what crackpot Nellie will
come up with next. But now that I had my honey on my side I wasn’t too worried.