The Dastard (33 page)

A black bulb flashed over Melody's head. She had an idea. She could help herself hide, and mess up Repulsive in the process. She needed just one other aspect to fall into place. “Repulsive, what is your talent?”

“Making masks,” the woman replied.

Ideal! “Can you make face masks?”

“Yes, that's the kind I usually make. But they last only a few hours before they fade. So I usually make them for children at parties.”

“Make masks of my face, and yours. Then you can pretend to be me, and I'll pretend to be you.”

“But we are not children. We don't need to play such games.”

“But wouldn't you like to be a lovely princess for a while?”

That got to her. “Yes. But I wouldn't pretend to be something I'm not.”

“It's a game, simpleton--uh, a simple game. To see how long you can fool people who know you. And I'll see if I can make them think I'm you. We princesses love to play such games.” That much was true.

“You're a princess?” Repulsive asked, astonished.

Oops--she had not revealed her identity before. No help for it now. “Yes. Princess Melody.”

“But she's only four years old!”

“I'm her adult self, from Ptero. We switched places. For four days. I have to change back soon, but I want to have a bit of fun before I do.”

“Oh. I suppose you would. Very well.” The woman studied Melody's face, concentrating. In a moment a flexible mask appeared between them.

Melody plucked it out of the air. It looked just like her, except for the blank eyes. They would come alive when the mask was worn on the face. “Now make one of your face.”

“I need to see a face, in order to copy it.”

“Look in the mirror, dummy--er, dumpling. A magic mirror doesn't have to do magic.”

“Oh, yes, of course.” Repulsive got up and went to the mirror. As she approached, its picture cleared and it became a straight reflective surface. She concentrated, and soon formed a mask of what she saw. She brought it back to the table.

“Now let's see what we can do,” Melody said, forcing a sincere smile.

She put the Melody face mask on Repulsive, and arranged her hair around it. “Of course your hair will change color to match,” she said, hoping it was so. Rapunzel's hair could do that.

“Yes.” The hair turned greenish. Now she looked remarkably princessly, except for the lack of a little crown.

Melody removed her own crownlet, and set it carefully on the woman's head. “Now you are a princess,” she said. “Go see who you can fool. I'll stay here until you have had a chance to get clear.”

“Yes.” Repulsive walked to the door, opened it, and went out. The rest of her did not look as princessly, but most people looked mainly at the face, so it should be all right.

Then Melody got to work on her own hair. She had some dirt she had picked up somewhere; she rubbed it into her hair to make it brownish rather than greenish. Too bad she couldn't simply use magic, but she could cope. She fitted the mask carefully, studying herself in the mirror. “Pretty good,” she murmured. “This should fool Humfrey.”

The Good Magician's face appeared in the mirror. “You called?” he asked grumpily.

Oops--she had inadvertently invoked him by speaking his name before the mirror. Well, she was prepared. “I'm Repulsive, with my Question. Why did the magic fade instantly, in the Time of No Magic?”

The gnome-like man nodded. “That is an impressive Question, Repulsive. I'm glad you did not waste your chance. Let me check in the Book of Answers.” He glanced down, reading. “Ah yes. This is because each of the major Demons has its own magic ambiance, and they compete for dominance. When the magic of Xanth was no longer buttressed by the presence of the Demon Xanth, the magic of the neighboring Demon Earth damped it out. The magic was still there, but suppressed by the more powerful field. When the Demon Xanth returned, his field extended throughout its former region, and the magic dust became fully operative again.” The mirror went opaque; the Good Magician had returned to whatever other business he had. Such as staring at his monstrous tome.

Good enough. Now she had to get out of here, in the guise of Repulsive, before her sisters caught on to the ruse. With luck she would be hopelessly lost in the jungle, and they would be unable to find her before they had to return to Ptero. Then there would be no one stopping her from doing ever more dastardly deeds. She would make the Dastard look like a piker.

He'd be stuck on Ptero too, because he had her soul, and it was really the soul that traveled there. She almost let out a fiendish cackle of glee.

That reminded her: Maybe she would do the horrendously dastardly deed of releasing the Sea Hag. Now there was a woman of significance. The Hag had a soul, but it was so warped that it had no conscience left. Melody had come to know the Hag pretty well during her Possession, but had not before appreciated her qualities. Maybe they could make some deal similar to what the Dastard had made.

She pushed the door cautiously open and peeked out. The way seemed clear. She stepped out and walked boldly down the hall toward the exit. Everyone would take her for Repulsive, departing after getting her Answer.

A figure stepped into the hall before her. It wore her face. It was Repulsive, returning. “Hello,” the other said.

“Good riddance,” Melody said, and brushed on by.

But the other followed her. “Wait! I need to change back, so I can ask my Question, and get the Answer of my life.”

“Oh, too bad,” Melody said. “I already used your Question.”

“You what?”

“Only I forgot what it was, so maybe I asked the wrong one. I asked why do ogres crunch bones, and he said because they are hungry, and not to call him again. He seemed oddly disappointed; maybe he had expected more of you.” She moved on.

Repulsive seemed stunned. “You wasted my Question? The one my whole life revolves around?”

“Oh, stop whining,” Melody said smugly. What a lovely lie she had crafted on the spur of the moment! The front gate was ahead; she would soon be out.

“I couldn't believe it,” Repulsive said, tears beginning to ruin her mask. “I thought no one could be like that. But they were right.”

They? “Who?”

“Us,” Harmony said, stepping out to bar her way through the gate.

Oh, no! Melody whirled, but Repulsive was barring her way back. She tried again to slide into limbo, but it remained blocked. They had caught her.

Well, it wouldn't do them any good. There was no way they could make her take back her stupid soul.

Becka watched Castle Roogna from the orchard. “I've always liked castles,” she said. “Except for one thing: They have moat monsters instead of dragons guarding them.”

“Squawk?” Sim asked invisibly.

“Oh, it's nothing against moat monsters. I get along with them just fine, when I'm in dragon form. But they sort of monopolize castles. My dream is to someday have my own castle, that I can live in as a girl, and guard as a dragon. The best of both, really. Though I must admit it was sort of fun being Castle Maidragon. That's a fancier castle than I ever imagined. That will be in my dreams for years, with all its fancy turrets and walls and chambers and gardens and things. I just loved it. And that Random Factor--what a secret!”

“Squawk.”

“That's right, Sim. The way Melody and the Dastard changed when their souls were switched is amazing. He became a decent man, and she became a mean woman. In fact, I think he was less indecent without a soul than she is. I got to know him halfway well, and he wasn't really bad, just, well, indifferent to the rights and feelings of others. He would keep his part of a bargain if he made one. The others hardly believe what I tell them, until they see for themselves. Now that he has a borrowed soul, he's amazingly decent. Maybe he's trying to make up for everything he did before. But I hope this is the last stop; you've had to carry me around too much, so I can talk to them.”

“Squawk.”

Becka jumped up. “You're right--they're coming out. This time they've got Melody.”

Melody walked out, with Harmony on one side and an unfamiliar, ugly woman on the other. They were holding her arms so she could not escape physically. Rhythm and the Dastard, of course, were in limbo, blocking her off there. What a handful the wild princess had turned out to be, with the Dastard's talent and without a soul.

“Take us to the glade,” Harmony said as they reached the orchard.

Sim curved his talons so that the four of them could fit inside an invisible temporary enclosure. Then he spread his wings and launched into the air, carrying them all.

They landed at the glade. Then they made spot introductions. “This is Becka the dragon girl,” Harmony said. “And Repulsive, Rapunzel's sister, who happened to get caught up in this. Sim is invisible. Rhythm and the Dastard are in limbo. Now we have some work to do.”

“Lotsa luck, sister dear,” Melody said sourly. Even her appearance had changed; she looked--Becka had to delve into the terminology that her Possession by the Sea Hag had caused to infest her mind--bitchy. Her eyes were wild and her lip tended to curl. It was clear that she was not to be trusted. At the same time, there was a certain challenging beauty in the way she flung her hair, thrust her bosom, and twitched her rear. No man would be safe near her.

Harmony spoke to Sim, Becka, and Repulsive. “I must go into limbo to relieve the Dastard. The three of you must make sure Melody doesn't escape physically, while Rhythm and I keep her out of limbo. The Dastard is the one who must do what has to be done. Don't interfere.”

What did they have in mind? They must have worked out a plan of some sort, but why would they let the Dastard, of all people, implement it?

Harmony disappeared. In a moment the Dastard appeared. Becka was struck again by how handsome he had become. It wasn't just the princely costume; it was the soul. He had been a cad; now he had the aura of goodness. He nodded to the others, then addressed Melody. “I am going to try to persuade you to take your soul back, Princess. Then you will be as you were.”

“The bleep I will,” Melody retorted. “You can keep my old soul; I don't want it back.” She, in contrast, had the aura of indifference verging into badness. She most resembled a disreputable peasant girl pretending to be a princess.

“Listen to me, Melody. I had a soul once. Then I spent four years without it. Now I have a soul again. I know both sides of this situation--know them well. You don't want to lose your soul.”

“The bleep I don't. For the first time in my life I have perfect freedom--and the magic to exploit it. I'm staying the way I am.” In fact, Becka realized with a shock, she was coming to resemble the Sea Hag.

“You have freedom--but not satisfaction,” he said. “You have a chronic hunger that you can't ever abate. You can only keep feeding it, and never come to the end of it.”

“Oh, pooh! I could satisfy it if I ever got the chance without being pestered by my cloying sisters.”

“No, you could not. I had four unfettered years to satisfy my hunger, and it only got worse. Nothing was ever enough. Now, at last, I know why.”

“Why?” Melody asked derisively.

“Because what I really craved, without knowing it, was my soul back. Now I have yours, and I understand what I lost.”

“You lost your scruples. You lost your chains. Now you're serving a new mistress, as bad as the Sea Hag. Worse, because it makes you think you like it. You can keep it.”

“No, you must take it back.”

“Why?”

“Because it is your soul. It belongs to you, not to me. It is your most precious possession.”

“I tell you I don't want it! So why don't you just go away, and consider it a fair deal: You have what you want, and I have what I want.”

“No, that must not be.” Becka was amazed at the Dastard's patience. He was addressing Melody politely despite her repudiation of decency.

“Listen, frog brain: If you really found my soul so &&&&ing precious, you'd be eager to keep it.”

He shook his head. “How I wish I could keep it! But the fact that I have it means that I understand why I can't keep it. The only soul to which I am entitled is my own, and I forfeited that four years ago.”

Seeing that she wasn't persuading him, Melody tried another tactic. “It really doesn't matter, you know. We can't change back. The Random Factor changed us, and he never does the same thing twice. So it's academic; there's no way.”

“There is a way,” he said.

“Really? How?”

“You must go back and unhappen the first opening of that forbidden door. Then the exchange will never have happened, and you will never have lost your soul.”

She stared at him. “You're right! That would do it.” But she reconsidered immediately. “Except that I can't unhappen my own life before I got the talent.”

“You can if I cooperate. The moment my talent comes back to me, I will complete the unhappening. Together we can do it.”

She nodded. “So it may be possible. But I'm not going to do it.” She returned to her prior tactic. “If you think it's so great having a soul, why are you so eager to give it up?”

“Melody, I do not want to give it up. I wish I could have it forever. It's much better than my own soul ever was. But I must return it to its proper owner.”

“This is ludicrous. You say you are determined to get rid of what you most want to keep. Why should I believe you?”

“Because I have your soul. It provides me with a conscience, and so much more.”

“More?”

“It makes me aware of the awfulness of the way I was before. I am chagrined that I can never undo the damage I have done. My remorse knows no bounds.”

“Oh, pooh! You never really hurt anybody. You were never violent. You never tried to force anything on a girl.”

“Oh, but I did. Becka can tell you how I tried to kiss her and see her panties.”

Melody burst out laughing. “You call that criminal? All men try to do those things. Want me to kiss you and show you my panties? &&&&, Das, I'll stuff them in your face!”

Still the Dastard did not react to her baiting. “That won't be necessary. I still wish I could atone for what I did. I can't. All I can do is see that it never happens again.”

“What a nothing you have become! You were a piker before; now you're zilch. The Sea Hag could have made a man of you.” She shot a sidelong glance at him. “That must be it! I think you want to get rid of the soul so you can be free again. To go fetch the Hag and get really wild. You've fooled my sickly sweet sisters, but you can't fool me.”

That was a shot that made Becka take stock. Could it be true? Yet the Dastard was being so honest now that she found it hard to believe. Melody was also right about him never being truly criminal before; his deeds had been dastardly rather than vicious. The Sea Hag had been truly ugly--and the Dastard had not trusted her. So now Becka had to believe that he was really trying to do the right thing.

The Dastard paused. Then he asked “What motivates you, Melody?”

Surprised, she evaded the question. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because your answer will enable me to clarify mine.”

She shrugged. I want to have fun. I want to mess up other peoples' lives. I want to freak men out. I want to signal the stork, and never get a delivery.“ She lifted the hem of her skirt. ”Are you interested?"

“Yes, but--”

“But what?” she asked, lifting higher. “I have got your number, Das: You cannot tell a lie. You are interested.”

Becka could see how the man's eyes began to sweat. She realized that a beautiful bitchy woman could make quite an impression. That was another thing she had learned from the Sea Hag--and probably the Hag had taught it to Melody as well. Those legs were formidable, much sexier than they had ever been when Melody had her soul. Still, the Dastard fought visibly to maintain his equilibrium. “But I know it's not right.”

“Because of that stupid soul. Well, I don't care what's right. Take a good look, fool.” She hauled her skirt all the way up to show her panties.

But the Dastard, warned by her prior lift, closed his eyes before getting freaked out. “I don't need to look at you, Melody; I just want to talk to you.”

“Let me go, and you can have my body,” she said. “I know you want it.”

“Yes. And I would have taken it, when I had no soul.”

“Now I have no soul, and I'll give it to you. I just want to get out of here.” She continued to hold her skirt up, just in case he peeked.

He didn't. Becka marveled at his control. She would have peeked, from sheer curiosity, had she been a man. “You asked me a question. Now I will answer it. You define fun in terms of gratifying your immediate desires. But that can never satisfy your long-term welfare. My quest, now, is for the satisfaction that comes from meaning and love.”

“Here is love,” she said, waving her lifted skirt. The suggestion was so strong it made his closed eyelids blush.

“That is sex,” he said, his breathing heavy. It was evident that he couldn't handle much more of this. “Love is immeasurably greater. Just as meaning is immeasurably greater than accomplishment. True happiness can be achieved only by these routes.”

“Love,” Melody repeated thoughtfully. “It is true I don't have that. Maybe it would be nice.”

“Yes, it is the most wonderful thing a person can experience,” the Dastard said fervently. Becka knew he was sincere; he had never spoken like that before. She could almost love him herself; his possession of a soul made him lovable. In fact, the soul gave him an aura reminiscent of the power of the magic she had felt when the three princesses had adapted her into the castle.

But of course Melody couldn't see it. “How do you know?”

He hesitated. “Maybe that's not relevant.”

“Sure it is. You say love is the greatest. So you must love someone. Who?”

He yielded. “You, of course. As you are when you are complete. Now at last I understand the way of it.”

She burst out laughing. “Well, I don't love you, you idiot! You won't even look at me.” She waved her skirt again, fanning air past his face. A trace of glaze began to form on his closed eyelids.

“I know you don't,” he said sadly. “And when you recover your soul, and are able to love, I won't be there, even if you think of me.”

“You'll be out of here, free again. Unhappening things galore.”

“No. I will be gone. I will not do any more harm. I will pay for those terrible four years the only way I can.”

“What do you mean, gone?”

“I will die,” he said simply. “So that I will do no more mischief.”

Becka was shocked. What was this?

“What do you mean, die?” Melody demanded. “People don't just die.”

“They do when they have taken poison. I will die before this day is done. I must return your soul to you before then.”

Poison! He had done that? Becka realized that he must have. Harmony and Rhythm could have gotten it for him, and agreed that this was the way it had to be. It had obviously been his decision, because of his mortification over his past deeds. He was sacrificing his life for what he believed was right. To restore Melody, and abolish the soulless Dastard.

This got to the princess, despite her lack of soul. “Why in Xanth would you die, just as you get free?”

“Because, with your soul, I appreciate why I must not be allowed to resume my dastardly ways. I have done immeasurable harm to innocent folk, and I grieve that I can never undo it. At least I can ensure that the harm stops.”

“Oh, pooh! It's fun doing mischief. I've hardly had the chance, yet. At least I got Repulsive.” She glanced at the woman, who nodded sadly.

“And how do you feel about that?” the Dastard asked Melody.

“I feel great! I want to do more of it.”

“How does it help you to hurt her?”

“It makes me better than her. And when I get the chance, I'll mess up everyone else, so I can be best of all.”

“And when you are the best in all Xanth, what then? Will you be happy?”

“Of course I will! Isn't it obvious?”

“It seemed so to me, before I got your soul. Now I know that I was not capable of true happiness, only of the momentary illusion of it. I would rather die decently, than live soullessly.”

“Well, you can throw away your stupid life if you insist. I'll never be such an idiot.”

He shook his head. “You must live, Melody, and you must take back your soul. Otherwise it will be lost when I die, and that would be an unconscionable waste.”

“I will live, but I won't take back my soul.”

“I know it's no use appealing to your finer sensitivities, because you lost those with your soul. But I speak from greater experience in this respect than you have. Soullessness is a desolate business; it is not for you, Melody.”