The Darkness of Perfection (3 page)

Daddy said they’d get to live on Easy Street if I was very, very good this weekend. I didn’t knowwhere that was but hoped it had a yard big enough for a swing. NowI was letting him down because I was acting like a baby.

I crept forward along the diving board again. My bottom lip trembled, and it was hard to see because I started crying, the tears spilling over and down my cheeks. Nicky was still just floating, waiting for me to jump, and smiled at me. His smile made me feel better.

“Come on Jayden, you can do it,”he called to me.

“Do you promise to catch me?” I asked. My voice was soft so Daddy wouldn’t hear.

“Don’t think about it, just jump. I promise I’ll catch you,”he swore.

I stared into his blue eyes and felt safe. Then I took a deep breath and jumped, reaching out to him with my eyes tightly shut, hoping he would catch me before I drowned. The water came up to my lips before I felt myself being caught under my arms, and I wrapped my arms and legs tightly around his neck and waist before opening my eyes.

“See? You did it. I told you I would catch you,” he grinned, rubbing his nose against mine playfully, making me laugh. “Nowthat I gotcha, I think I’ll keep you. What do ya’ say, Jayden? Wanna be my very own little kitten?” he asked as he swam us toward the edge of the pool.

I hugged him tighter so I wouldn’t slip off the float, and nodded. He had been nice to me all weekend.

He paid attention to me and made me feel special. I liked playing with him. “Pretend” was my favorite game where I could be anything I wanted. Maybe after I pretended to be his kitten, we could pretend I was a princess and he could rescue me from the evil dragon.

What do you do when the prince becomes the dragon? Do you slay the dragon or save the prince?

Age eight

I jerked on the handlebars of my new pink bike, complete with streamers and a white basket in front, as my feet pedaled furiously to stay upright. The bike tipped to the side and I squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn’t see my fall. I heard him running beside me and felt his strong hand grab the seat behind me as he kept me from falling.

“Just pedal faster, JJ! You can do it,” he encouraged.

I took a deep breath, my eyes squinted in determination as I pedaled even faster, not realizing he was no longer beside me. I came to the end of the sidewalk and pushed the pedal backwards like he taught me, applying the brake to stop, and turned my head quickly, causing the strap of my helmet to pinch my neck. He was running toward me with a big grin and pride shining in his eyes, just for me.

“I did it!” I screeched, jumping up and down, still holding the handlebars in my tight fists.

“You sure did! I knew you could. I’m so proud of you, JJ.”

He scooped me up into his arms in his enthusiasm, causing me to tense immediately, before setting me back on my feet. I stared at him with wide eyes, my joy in my accomplishment momentarily forgotten as my fear took hold of me again. He knelt down beside me and slowly reached for me again. His eyes that were so happy a minute ago were sad now as he watched my face for signs of distress. I felt guilty for still being afraid of him, so I stood very still while I waited to see if he would finally hurt me. He never had, but I kept waiting.

I knew deep down that Terry wasn’t like the bad man. He was one of the good guys. His wife died before Momma and I went on our adventure, leaving him alone with his son, Kevin. Momma said we were all lost souls and needed each other. Terry kept us safe and Momma taught him to smile again.

He saved Momma when she was dying. I didn’t have to go on our adventure by myself after all, and he gave us a safe home to live in. He didn’t make me sleep in the dark, didn’t put me in the time-out cage, and always came with Momma to chase away the monsters when my nightmares woke me at night. He even looked nicer than the bad man. He was big and strong, but his brown eyes crinkled from laughing all the time, and he always had a special look for my momma that made her smile.

Even his son wasn’t too bad. He liked to tease and pick on me at times, but he was the one who would get in trouble for it, not me.

“It’s okay, JJ,” he said slowly, pulling me closer into his strong arms. I let him hug me and stroke my back as my racing heart slowed to a normal beat. I slowly slid my arms around him to return the hug before he cupped my face to look at him again. “Remember, you’re safe now and we’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

“It’s because you’re a fireman. You save people,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry I got scared.”

He smiled sadly before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. My helmet got in the way and he hit the bridge of his nose on the edge, making him wince. I giggled at his expression, causing him to cross his eyes and wiggle his eyebrows, which made me laugh harder. My fear melted away and I felt safe again. I decided in that moment to try harder not to be afraid.

“Da-” I swallowed nervously and tried again as he watched me in anticipation. My words had gotten better, but sometimes I still stuttered when I was scared or nervous. I hadn’t said that word to him in all the time I’d lived with him, but I wanted to now. “Daddy, c-can you help me again? I wanna show Momma and Kevin what I can do.”

Age fourteen

I crossed the stage, accepting my framed certificate from our principal and a yellow carnation from the school secretary, before carefully walking down the stairs into the waiting arms of my parents.

“This is for you,” I said as I handed the flower to Mom.

She kissed my cheek, hugging me. “We’re so proud of you, JJ,” she said tearfully. “I love you so much.”

I rolled my eyes. “Mom, it’s eighth grade; it’s not that big of a deal. Cry when I graduate high school and go away to college,” I said ruefully.

“It is a big deal, Jayden,” she stressed. “Nothing and no one is standing in the way of your dreams.”

Calling me by my given name, instead of JJ, let me know how strongly she felt about what she was saying. She hardly ever called me Jayden unless she wanted to get my attention. She told me once that someone else named me and the past was best forgotten. She had wanted to name me after her mother, Julianna who died before I was born, so “JJ” was her way of forgetting the past while remembering her mother.

I guess her scars from the past went deeper than mine, or I had been too young when we moved, because it was a blank page to me now. My memories consisted only of my life in Colorado with my family.

She looked me over, taking in my modest green satin dress and low heels. My dark blond hair was pinned up in fancy curls and I fingered the new dangly silver earrings, the first pair I owned that weren’t studs, which she and Dad gave me before we left the house.

“You’re growing up into a very beautiful young lady and I’m very proud to be your mother,” she smiled.

Dad stood beside her quietly, letting Mom and I have our moment, and kissed her tenderly before he opened his arms to me.

“We’re both so proud of you,” Dad beamed as I hugged him tightly. He kept one arm around me as he turned to Kevin rushing over toward us and bumped fists with him. “Kevin, you had us worried there for a while. We were beginning to wonder if you’d ever make it through the eighth grade. Good job, son.”

“Here.” Kevin thrust his flower into Mom’s hand, but moved away quickly so she couldn’t hug him or kiss his cheek. “Yeah, yeah, you’re proud, you’re gonna cry, blahblah. So not my scene,” he cringed, rolling his eyes. “I’m riding with Brian to the pool party. All right?”

“Kevin, why don’t you try that again?” Dad admonished. “This time try using some respect in that tone.”

I bit the inside of my mouth as I fought not to laugh at Kevin’s public ridicule. Kevin thought he was too cool for hugs now that we would be starting high school.

He huffed, but his shoulders slumped under Dad’s stern expression. He took the flower from Mom’s hand and placed his free hand over his heart, bowing to her and dramatically handing it to her again.

“Please accept this carnation as a humble token of my appreciation for everything you’ve done to support me through these troubling times and coming to all my football games. Your unwavering belief and multitude of prayers before every test have not gone unappreciated.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. Kevin joined theater with me this year on a dare and while he’d never admit it, I think he enjoyed it. He cut his eyes back to our dad. “Okay?”

Dad shook his head, chuckling at him. “A little over the top, but much better, Kevin. And yes, you can ride with Brian. We’re coming to help chaperone, so we’re bringing JJ and her friends in the

suburban.”

“Thank you for the flower, Kevin. We’re very proud of you,” Mom kissed his cheek, still laughing over his antics, and then rubbed away the lipstick left behind with her thumb. “Go on. Go with your friends.”

Kevin left quickly after Dad nodded his okay, leaving me standing with our parents.

“Kevin, I want pictures before you take off that tie!” Mom shouted at his fleeting back.