The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex (22 page)

Why would a man or woman risk so much—status, reputation, honor,
marriage, children, and even personal safety—for a few minutes of sexual
gratification? How can we explain the puzzling pervasiveness of infidelity that
violates the marital vows?

The prevalence of infidelity has been extensively researched,
but different studies produce widely varying estimates. Shere Hite put the
rates as high as 70 percent, while others such as Andrew Greeley asserted that
only 5 to 10 percent of married people cheated. There are several problems with
determining precise rates. First, infidelity is typically concealed and people
are reluctant to talk about it. In the classic Kinsey study on sexuality, the
interview questions about infidelity caused many participants to withdraw from
the study, and of those who remained, questions about infidelity were often
left unanswered.

Second, the methods used by studies of infidelity vary
considerably. Some studies evaluate infidelity rates across the entire span of
the marriage, whereas others restrict the time interval to the previous year of
marriage. Some use an interview format; others use anonymous questionnaires.
One study was particularly revealing about the reluctance of people to admit to
affairs. The authors examined 750 individuals who entered therapy and found
that 30 percent initially admitted to sexual infidelities. During intensive
therapy with the same people, however, an additional 30 percent revealed
clandestine liaisons, bringing the total figure for this sample up to 60
percent. Clearly, the methods used, time frame selected, and level of trust in
the researcher all affect estimates of infidelity.

My own estimate, averaged across studies, is that approximately
20 to 40 percent of American women and 30 to 50 percent of American men have at
least one affair over the course of the marriage. Even these figures, however,
underestimate the likelihood that
at least one partner in the marriage
will be unfaithful. Anthony Thompson of Western Australian Institute of
Technology argues that the probability that either the husband
or
wife
will have an affair (the affair rate for the couple) may be as high as 76
percent.

Although the figures for men and women cheating at least once
are fairly close, men break their marital vows of fidelity more frequently.
Graham Spanier, of the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and Randie
Margolis, of Harvard Medical School, found that 26 percent of the men, but only
5 percent of the women, had affairs with three or more partners. A full 64
percent of women who have affairs have them with only one partner, whereas only
43 percent of the men who have affairs restrict themselves to a single partner.

Clearly, both men and women have affairs, but the sex difference
should not be hastily dismissed. I keep a file of news articles about sex
scandals. Most involve married men, often in positions of power, who use their
status to attract sex partners other than their wives. A recent example:
“Fourth Woman Accuses ‘Guru’ of Sex.” A Hindu guru in Houston is accused of
convincing each of four women that “she must have sex with him to cleanse her
womb of evil spirits.” He apparently told each not to mention these episodes to
his wife, since she apparently got angry at the cleansing rituals. Four women
so far have come forward to complain that he abused his position as a religious
adviser to manipulate them into having sex.

In my files, collected over a span of years, I found not a
single case of a married woman abusing her position of power to secure sex with
multiple men. Perhaps we don’t hear about them. Perhaps they will emerge as
women assume more positions of power. Given what we know about the gulf between
the sexes in unfaithful desires, however, I wouldn’t bet on it.

Affair rates underestimate the rates of cheating hearts. Imagine
an attractive person of the opposite sex walking up to you and saying, “Hi,
I’ve been noticing you around town lately, and I find you very attractive,” and
then asking one of three questions: “Would you go out on a date with me
tonight?” “Would you go back to my apartment with me?” “Would you have sex with
me?” Of the women approached in a study that actually posed these questions, 50
percent agreed to go out on a date with the man; 6 percent agreed to go back to
his apartment; and 0 percent agreed to have sex with him. Most women thought it
bizarre for a man to approach them out of the blue and ask for sex. Men
differed. Of the men approached by the attractive female, 50 percent agreed to
go out on a date with her; 69 percent agreed to go back to her apartment; and
75 percent agreed to have sex with her! The men who refused were typically
apologetic, citing a previous engagement with parents or a fiancée. Some asked
for a rain check. This is one of many studies that reveal fundamental
differences between the sexes in the desire for a variety of different sex
partners.

The journalist Natalie Angier questions these results, arguing
that women would hop into bed as easily as men in these situations, but are
deterred by a concern for their personal safety. Russell Clark of the
University of North Texas explored this possibility. First, he replicated the
study on a different sample in a different part of the country, and the results
were almost identical; more men than women were willing to have sex with a
virtual stranger. Second, Clark notes that roughly half the women in each study
were quite willing to go out on a date with the strangers, which seems puzzling
if they were concerned about their safety. Third, when Clark’s experimenters
asked the participants to describe the reason for their refusal (if they
refused), women’s and men’s answers were nearly identical; both mentioned that
they had a boyfriend or girlfriend, or that they did not know the person well
enough.

Perhaps a date seems safer than sex and women really do want sex
with strangers, if only they could be assured of their safety. To explore this
possibility, Clark conducted yet another experiment. Men and women participants
were contacted by a close personal friend who testified about the integrity and
character of the stranger. The participants were assured by their friends that
the other person was warm, sincere, trustworthy, and attractive. The
participants were then asked one of two questions: “Would you be willing to go
on a date?” or “Would you be willing to go to bed?” After being debriefed,
participants were asked for their reasons for their decision.

The overwhelming majority of both sexes agreed to the date: 91
percent of the women and 96 percent of the men. As for the sex, however, a big
difference emerged: 50 percent of the men, but only 5 percent of the women
agreed. Not a single woman indicated a concern for safety. Clearly, making
conditions safer for women increases the odds that they will consent to sex
with a stranger—from 0 percent to 5 percent—so safety concerns are not
irrelevant. But the sex difference remains great. Most women agree to date
strangers when a close friend vouches for the man’s warmth and integrity, but
95 percent still refuse to consent to sex.

The difference is
not
that “women are coy,” which would
imply a false shyness, a pretense of lack of interest, or a childlike
coquettishness. And it’s not that women lack interest in sex. Once a woman
makes the decision to sleep with a man, there is no reason to think that her
sex drive is not as high as his. The evidence is compelling, however, that most
women are careful about whom they choose to sleep with, and for the most part
avoid jumping into bed with total strangers. Men are more willing. Most men
responded to the sexual request by saying, “What time?” or “Why not?” and then
asking for the requester’s telephone number and directions to her house.

These differences hold with equal force in lust for affairs. In
one study by Ralph Johnson of Sacramento State College, 48 percent of American
men, but only 5 percent of American women, expressed a desire to engage in
extramarital sex. In a classic older study by Lewis Terman of 769 American men
and 770 American women, 72 percent of the men, but only 27 percent of the
women, admitted that they sometimes desire sex with someone outside of their
marriage. Germans reveal similar tendencies: 46 percent of married men but only
6 percent of married women admit that they would take advantage of a casual
sexual opportunity with someone else if the chance arose. More recent studies
by David Wyatt Seal and his colleagues at the University of New Mexico show
similar sex differences.

Women, of course, may be more reluctant to confide their sexual
desires to a surveyor, so the figures are likely to underestimate women’s
adulterous impulses. Nonetheless, the sex difference proves so robust across
studies and methods of inquiry that there is no reason to doubt that men and
women differ in desire.

The desires of men have a straightforward explanation based on
evolved sexual strategies. Historically, men’s reproductive success was limited
primarily by the number of fertile women they could successfully inseminate.
The greater the sexual access to a variety of women, the greater the
reproductive success. The insatiable desire for a variety of sex partners
evolved as a powerful passion in men, expressing itself in a host of behaviors
ranging from patronizing prostitutes to indulging in infidelity.

Sexual fantasies provide another psychological window into
secret desires. Fantasies are not behaviors, of course, but they reveal
something about the desires that motivate behavior. As evolutionary
psychologist Donald Symons of the University of California at Santa Barbara
notes in a related context: “Even if only one impulse in a thousand is
consummated, the function of lust is to motivate sexual intercourse.” Research
conducted in Japan, Great Britain, and the United States shows that men have
roughly twice as many sexual fantasies as women. When asleep, men are more
likely than women to dream about sexual events. Women may be more reluctant to
admit to such fantasies, even on an anonymous questionnaire, but a reporting bias
is less able to explain the content of the fantasies.

Men’s sexual fantasies more often include strangers, multiple
partners, and anonymous partners. During a single fantasy episode, most men
report that they sometimes change sexual partners, whereas most women report
that they rarely change sexual partners. Forty-three percent of women but only
12 percent of men report that they never substitute or switch sexual partners
during a fantasy episode. When asked, “Have you had over 1,000 sexual fantasies
in your lifetime so far?” 32 percent of men but only 8 percent of women report
numbers this high.

Here is one sample fantasy from a 20-year-old man who works in
Connecticut sailing boats for a living: “I fantasize about having the maximum
number of women at one time that I can. I know I won’t be able to satisfy each
of them sexually, but as it’s my fantasy it really doesn’t matter . . . I’m
lying on my back in bed. I’m totally naked. My legs are spread wide apart and
my arms are stretched out above my head. A bevy of six beautiful women walk
into the room. They’re all slim and naked. My cock, which has already started
to stiffen, becomes totally erect as they stand around the bed . . . The first
woman crawls onto the bed and straddles my stomach . . . she holds my cock and
guides it into her pussy, moving her body slowly up and down so that my cock
slides deep into her . . . Shortly, she moves away from me and sits on the edge
of the bed. Then the next woman does exactly the same thing, but this time
there is one difference. When she sucks my cock, it is covered with the love
juices of the previous woman, and that excites me greatly. After each woman has
done the same to me, I have already penetrated each of them with my cock.” The
fantasy continues in this vein, with graphic descriptions of each woman’s body
and the various sexual combinations and permutations he carries out with each.

Numbers, variety, and novelty dominate men’s fantasies. Men
focus on body parts and sexual positions stripped of emotional context. Male
sexual fantasies are heavily visual, focusing on smooth skin, breasts,
genitals, thighs, and buttocks. During sexual fantasy, 81 percent of men but
only 43 percent of women focus on visual images rather than feelings. Men
fantasize about attractive women with lots of exposed skin who show signs of
easy access and no commitment. As Bruce Ellis and Donald Symons observe, “The
most striking feature of [male fantasy] is that sex is sheer lust and physical
gratification, devoid of encumbering relationships, emotional elaboration,
complicated plot lines, flirtation, courtship, and extended foreplay.” Men’s
fantasies reveal a mind attuned to sex with many partners.

Women’s sexual fantasies, like men’s, vary widely, and no two
are alike, but they are more likely than men’s to contain familiar partners. A
few women, of course, sometimes crave what the writer Erica Jong described in
Fear
of Flying
as the “zipless fuck,” anonymous sex with a stranger on the
train. More often, though, women’s fantasies have thicker plot lines.

Consider this sexual fantasy reported by Jayne, a 29-year-old
woman: “I have known my imagined partner for some time, but we have held off
becoming intimate until this moment. He has spent the day showering me with
attention, listening to me over lunch, looking at me with a burning desire as
we have walked together, hand in hand, along crowded city sidewalks. Now, back
at my apartment, he holds me close and whispers his feelings for me. He lets me
know that I’m the center of his life, the only one who has ever made him feel
this way. . . . Our kisses at first are tender, then we both become more
passionate. We collapse on the floor, pulling at each other’s clothes, then
pause in our frenzy and take time to look at each other. When our bodies come
together, it’s not just sex but the merging of two people, hearts and souls.”