The Cyber Effect (31 page)

A smart solution to catfishing has been created by the dating app Blume, launched in 2016, which requires users to put up a “real-time selfie” as a way to authenticate identity.

Another new dating app, Bumble, seeks to solve the online dating troll problem. It was founded by Whitney Wolfe, a cofounder of Tinder who left the company and filed her own sexual harassment lawsuit against it. Bumble uses profile swiping to match single people in the same town, similar to the way Tinder works, but in this case women are forced to make the first move. Within twenty-four hours after being messaged about a match, women must respond or the match disappears. Wolfe felt strongly that women were disadvantaged on dating sites and decided to empower them, inspired by Sadie Hawkins dances.

“
We're definitely not trying to be sexist, that's not the goal,” Wolfe says. “I know guys get sick of making the first move all the time. Why does a girl feel like she should sit and wait around? Why is there this standard that, as a woman, you can get your dream job but you can't talk to a guy first? Let's make dating feel more modern.”

Any time a large and vulnerable population can be easily targeted, there will be those who seek to take advantage of them, so I can't say that I'm surprised by the existence of fraudulent identities online, as much as I'm deeply troubled by the cavalier attitude about them. The lighthearted manner in which trolling is discussed exposes a corrosive cynicism and lack of regard for honesty. The approval, even cheering, for acts of harm and deceit against real and innocent people (this is not a movie, folks) only shows how quickly abnormal, unkind behavior can become normalized in an environment if enough people look the other way, and even applaud. The American literary critic Norman Holland identified this phenomenon as early as 1996 and named it
Internet regression
.

Among online enthusiasts, and in some tech cultures, it's considered really cool to be a troll. A similar sensibility led to the escalation of aggressive cyberbullying. Since when has hurting people become a sport, or fun? Of all the many evolving norms, this is truly one to worry about. Not just the feelings of the victim but the psychology of the perpetrator.

A Canadian team of psychologists did an interesting study of individuals who comment frequently online, asking them to complete a personality inventory and a survey of their commenting styles. The results are disturbing and show strong positive associations between individuals who comment frequently, enjoy trolling, and identify themselves as “trolls.” There was also a relationship between those who liked to troll and three of the four components of what is known as the
dark tetrad of personality
, a set of characteristics that are found together in a cluster: narcissism, sadism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. The researchers described trolling as a manifestation of “everyday sadism.” Now, that is truly something to avoid online.

Lastly, I need to discuss a seemingly more benign personality type to watch out for online. The word
narcissist
is commonly used—and thrown around—these days, partly because there seems to be more awareness and discussion of narcissism in general. Like other aspects of personality, there is a spectrum of behavior. But there is also a diagnosable condition called
narcissistic personality disorder
, which is a good thing to know about if you are dating online. Here's the Mayo Clinic description: conceited, boastful, pretentious, monopolize conversations, perceive others as inferior and have a sense of entitlement. They become impatient and angry when they don't get special treatment. They can't handle anything that is perceived as criticism….Causes may be excessive parental criticism or praise. Also genetics and psychobiology….Nature or nurture or both. More males than females. Often begins in teen years.

Narcissists are preoccupied with fantasies of success and romantic notions about finding the perfect mate. This is not because they want to find true love. What they want is a trapping or trophy that will enhance their feelings of self-importance and make them look better. To achieve this, a lot of searching and dating and a good deal of swiping are required. And due to the fact that narcissists have trouble remaining
in relationships, together with their adeptness at manipulating social media, there is likely a greater percentage of them appearing on dating sites than you'll find in the offline dating population.

Another reason: The very qualities that make a narcissist undesirable in real life—selfishness, arrogance, self-centeredness, and a need to feel better than you in every way—can actually give them a leg up online. They are now more competitive in the mating selection process, because the established cyber norm is to parade your accomplishments, post pictures of your expensive car and your gorgeous house, and document every meal of your fantastic travels around the globe for all your cyber-friends to see. Most important of all: posting lots and lots and lots of pictures of yourself looking good.

Narcissists need admiration, flattery, and loads of attention. They need an audience. This is why cyberspace is made for them. Their highest highs can come from making people fall in love with them. The problem is, given the way they ooze confidence and cybercharm, it may be harder to spot them—and know to stay away. To help you out, here's a mini-inventory of questions to ask yourself:

Having an adulterous affair used to require fluke, luck, and a lot of hiding in shadows. People had to hope for chance meetings or fabricate work conferences and weekend retreats to cover their tracks—then check into strange hotels under false names, pay cash, and sneak out before sunlight. Not everyone is cut out for such subterfuge.

But for individuals who struggle to stay in a monogamous relationship, technology has made the temptation much, much greater. You can reach out from the comfort of your own home—and flirt on a bad
hair day and in your bathrobe. In an hour, you can create a new profile on a site, create a new email address and a pseudonym, and have a date in front of your webcam. Nobody will know but you—and your cyber-fling.

There has been a societal change in cyber-dating for those who are married who desire a discreet affair on the side. There are now a growing number of these sites and apps in operation—homepages with FAQs such as
Why have an extramarital affair?
that are answered with seductive rationales. The normally unspoken rules of an affair are often part of the “terms and conditions” that must be agreed to before becoming a member of the site. Discussed so blandly, and practically, it is another way of normalizing or justifying behavior that is considered by most people to be unethical and deceptive.

(On a side note, it's worth knowing that you aren't the only one who never reads these terms-and-conditions agreements carefully. An experiment was done in a London café with a free Wi-Fi hotspot in 2014. Six users clicked the box to accept the terms and conditions even though, by doing so, they were agreeing to “
assign their first born child to us for the duration of eternity.” Needless to say, the term was not enforced.)

For some, having a cyber-affair is a way to practice and “pretend” infidelity. You may have fantasies about straying from your marriage, but by keeping it online, you can feel safely distanced from the actual behavior and deception.
Hey, it wasn't me at all!
The online self is compartmentalized, a type of
dissociative anonymity
. It's a convenient way to stay guilt-free.

It is well known in military psychology that killing from a distance is considered easier than killing at close range. This explains why it is easier for most people to push a button that sends a droid or smart bomb that is targeted to hit people far away than to face another individual and witness the effects of your aggression. The greater the distance you are from the people you are harming, the easier it is on your conscience.

That's why I suspect that, in cyber-affairs, the perceived distance between the lovers helps them to depersonalize and not consider the people they are hurting.

When cyber-infidelity ceases to be enough—and there is an escalation effect involved in infidelity, like all deceits (the slippery slope)—you can move it into real life without missing a beat. Now with apps like Hinge, Lavalife, Grindr, meet2cheat, Affairs Club, and Ashley Madison, which were all designed specifically for casual hookups and affairs, you can easily syndicate online to find cohorts to be unfaithful with. But cyber-cheating doesn't come without risk.
The hacking of Ashley Madison in 2015 was disastrous for its 30 million adulterers, but at the same time, it provided a treasure trove of incredible data for researchers. Annalee Newitz of Gizmodo reported a massive gender divide when it comes to extramarital affairs, pointing out that while 20 million men had checked messages on the site, only 1,492 women had. Ashley Madison has since denied these figures, arguing that many more women used its site. In an interesting cyber twist, it appears that extensive use of female chatbots may have confounded interpretation of the data.

Geographically and culturally, there are other interesting data for analysis. “Italian users were most likely to be looking for a short term relationship,” according to
Wired
magazine, “while German and Austrian users preferred a long term arrangement. Chinese users most frequently opted to keep things online, expressing a preference for a ‘cyber-affair,' something of no interest to Japanese and South Korean users.”

Untold numbers of divorces and breakups resulted from the hack, but there were much larger consequences. Given the release of private information into the public domain, thousands of individuals will now be blackmailed, and two people have already committed suicide. And there were eight thousand Ashley Madison users in the country of Pakistan, where adultery is illegal. People who signed up must have recognized that there is always risk associated with adultery, but something seduced them into participating anyway. Perceived anonymity is a powerful cyber effect. And risk, as we know, cyber-migrates from online to real life. Unfortunately in Pakistan, that could mean users will be migrating to jail. As one meme suggests, Ashley Madison should change its motto from “Life is short. Have an affair” to “Life is short. Hire an attorney.”

Sex can be like a drug. So can romance. Technology has re-created the same conditions—availability and constant temptation—that plague (or delight) movie stars, rock singers, and professional athletes, who may try to be monogamous and faithful but aren't superhuman after all. For an individual who struggles with impulsivity or compulsive behavior, the promise of these easy-affair apps can create serious problems.

As early as 2009,
The Guardian
newspaper reported that
a Facebook affair or cyber-infidelity was the listed cause for a growing number of divorces in family law practices in the U.K. Several stories hit the media that year—a woman who discovered that her husband was having virtual sex with another man, a woman who discovered her husband was having a Facebook affair, and a British couple who were divorcing after the husband was found cheating on his wife with a character on
Second Life
.

The ethics of
cyber-infidelity is a burgeoning area of the law, which is evolving differently, country by country. In the U.K. and Canada, sexting, lurid Facebook posts, and other manifestations of infidelity do not qualify as “adultery” per se—because sexual intercourse has not taken place in the real world—although these may serve as a reason to end a marriage. In the United States, excessive time spent online, whether it's for cyber romance or gaming, has been used in court to show a history of poor parenting and has impacted the amount of child custody granted.

You can't call it adultery, but that doesn't mean that cyber-infidelity isn't a serious breach of trust. These indiscretions have consequences that are very real. People who have wandered away from a committed relationship and family life in order to seek love online or even just virtual sex can leave their partners and families feeling abandoned and victimized. A special issue of
The Journal of Treatment and Prevention
discussed the emotional
outcomes of virtual distractions and disloyalties in a compelling article called “Is It Really Cheating?” which convinced me of the resulting trauma of this sort of betrayal.

Since real-world emotions play out online, where there's cyber-infidelity, there's also jealousy—and “self-help” websites informing spouses of how to look for telltale signs of a partner cheating online.
Multiple studies have shown that social-network activity does trigger and amplify jealousy among users, which brings me to a quick murder story. It has to do with the uncontrollable
cyber-jealousy of Giuseppe Castro, a man in Italy who decapitated his wife when he suspected she was having an online affair.

“She was always chatting with other men,” he told police. “I couldn't take it anymore.”

LovePlus
and its sequels are Japanese video games that offer avatar love for a handheld Nintendo DS or for Apple's iOS. These games are marketed as “dating simulators” that help individuals learn to be in a relationship, and possibly even learn to love. Since its launch in 2010,
LovePlus
has attracted hundreds of thousands of players worldwide, from middle-school-age boys and girls to adults who prefer the company of one of the three sweet unreal girls offered by the game—Rinko, Manaka, or Nene—rather than deal with the headaches of being with an actual human being.