The Cost of Living (12 page)

STUART

MONDAY 13 JULY – 1:02am

He’s spent the
whole day at his window, watching out for me, and I’ve waited just as long,
watching him watching me. Watching him
thinking
he’s watching me,
anyway. I slipped out through the back and went into one of the other houses
facing his. Fucker’s been looking in the wrong place.

And
I’m scared and I don’t want to do this, but I know I have to. The things I said
to Gabby have been running round and round my head since we spoke.
He’s not
just taking care of himself, he’s killing our kids.

He’s
been out of sight for almost an hour, and I reckon that’s it. He’s sleeping, he
must be. Time to move.

I
head straight for his house, axe in hand, and before I have chance to talk
myself out of it, I smash the front door lock. It takes two more strikes before
it gives way. I kick it open.

He’s
downstairs before I’m inside. Look at him, useless piece of shit. He stands
there in front of me in a grubby vest and dirty shorts and all I can think is
this
filthy little cunt thought he mattered more than my kids
.

‘Stuart...
what the hell...?’

‘What
did I tell you?’ I say to him, and he shakes his head and screws up his face
like he doesn’t understand. I pull my facemask down. ‘What did I say to you
about the stuff in the other houses?’

He
backs away down the hall, arms raised. ‘Come on, Stuart... let’s talk about
this sensibly.’

‘I
tried that earlier.’

‘But
you didn’t, mate... you
didn’t
. You just told me how it was going to be,
you didn’t give me any chance...’

‘And
that’s just how it is.’

‘But
that’s not right. That’s not
fair
.’

‘Again,
that’s how it is. I’ve got responsibilities, Dean. Those people in that house
over there, they’re counting on me. You don’t get that, do you?’

‘I
do, I do...’ he says quickly, still cowering. ‘It’s just that...’

‘Just
what?’

‘Just
that I don’t see they’re more or less important than me, that’s all.’ He
pauses, but I can see he’s got more to say. He needs to think very carefully
here because he’s on the verge of making a monumental fuck-up. ‘I get that
they’re your family, mate, I really do... and I wouldn’t want to do anything to
harm them... but put yourself in my shoes for a sec. What about me?’

‘What
about you?’

‘I
need to eat too, mate. I’ve made it this long... I’m not just going to roll
over and give up now.’

‘Then
maybe you should look elsewhere for food.’

‘I’ve
as much right to be here as you.’

And
now I’m stuck, because he’s got a point. Before all of this happened I used to
be a reasonable guy. I’d talk and negotiate and do everything I could to see
another person’s point of view. But this is different. The whole damn world is
different now, what’s left of it. ‘The old rules don’t apply anymore,’ I tell
him.

‘We
can work together...’

‘I
reckon we’re already past that point.’

‘Think
about it... You don’t look so good, Stu. You’re tired... what good will you be
to your kids if you burn yourself out?’

He’s
playing games, trying to trick me. ‘Shut up, Dean. You had your chance.’

‘I
meant what I said, mate, we could work together. Two heads are better than one
and all that... think how much easier it’ll be if we helped each other out.’

‘It’s
not going to happen.’

He
stands a little straighter, like I’ve given him an ultimatum, or he’s about to
give me one. ‘So what are we gonna do? Because I’m not giving up what I’ve got,
Stuart. The stuff that’s in this house is mine, and I’m not giving it up, not
for you, not for no one.’

‘I’ll
take it.’

‘And
I’ll take it back. Come to mention it, I might help myself to whatever it is
you’ve got stashed away in your garage. By your logic I could have that too. I
saw you yesterday, scurrying about. Truth be told, that’s why I did what I did.
If you’d kept quiet, I probably wouldn’t even have come out yet. I’m a
survivor, mate, and I’m gonna keep surviving, no matter what it takes.’

‘Not
at the expense of my kids.’

‘No
sign of your son yet?’ he asks, and that stings. ‘You see, I think your lad had
his head screwed on right, maybe better than both of us. He knows there’s
nothing left here, that we’re just playing a waiting game. We can’t win, you
know. None of us can. Maybe your lad’s the only one who stands a chance. Then
again, maybe he just got sick of being ordered around by a fucked-up control
freak like his old man?’

I
lift the axe and go at him, but the bastard barely moves. His eyes barely
flicker. ‘I could kill you,’ I tell him.

‘Yeah,
but you won’t. If you were the man you think you are you’d have already done it
by now.’

The
axe is raised, ready to swing. ‘I was giving you a chance.’

‘Bullshit.
You don’t have the nerve. You know, I’ve seen blokes like you come and go
before now. You think you’re the big
I am
, dontcha? Think you’re a cut
above the rest of us. I used to see you driving around the estate, looking down
your noses at folks like me who didn’t have a house the size of yours. I saw
the way you used to look at that flash fucker with the Jag, the one younger
than both of us. You’re a weak, spineless, middle-class cunt. You’re too scared
to die, and that’s why you’ve got your family banged-up in here.’

He’s
almost sneering now, and I can’t work out the logic. Has everything that’s
happened fucked with what’s left of his brain? Does he have a death wish? ‘I’m
giving you one last chance,’ I tell him. ‘Shut yourself away and stay here. You
can keep the food you’ve already taken, everything else belongs to me and my
family.’

‘And
I’m supposed to just accept that, am I?’

‘Seeing
as I’ve got the axe and I’m blocking your way out, yes.’

‘You’re
bullshitting again, Stu. See, you’re the one backed into a corner. A real man
would have rolled up his sleeves and started fighting by now. You’re too
middle-class for your own good. If you really are the man you think you are,
why don’t you just do what you have to do?’

So
I do.

I
bring the axe down hard. It glances off the side of his head and buries deep in
his shoulder. He just looks at me, eyes full of surprise, then looks down at
the head of the axe stuck in his flesh. I pull it out again, but it’s sunk so
good I almost pull him over.

‘I
told you. I told you not to fuck with me.’

He
starts crying, and the pitiful noise cuts as deep as my blade, making me
realise what I’ve just done. But I can’t leave this unfinished. He looks up at
me, eyes wet with tears, and I hit him again, right on the crown of his head
this time. The impact sends shockwaves running through my hands and arms. It
makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’s a relief when he drops, but now he’s
just lying at my feet, looking up at me, his mouth opening and closing like
he’s still trying to speak, still trying to argue his point.

I had to do it. I keep telling myself I had to do it.

‘It’s
your own fault,’ I say to him. ‘You made me do it.’

But
I can’t leave him like this.

Don’t
know what else to do.

Now
I feel guilty, like I’ve made a mistake, like I could have found a better way...

Think about Gabby and the kids. He was taking food from
their mouths.

I
bring the axe down one more time, right onto his chest... his heart. Bones
crack. His breathing’s all I can hear now. Rasping. Laboured. He tries to say
something, and I can’t stand the noise. I hit him again.

There’s
a noise behind me. I spin around and see Gabby in the doorway. ‘I was worried,’
she says. ‘You woke me up. I saw you over here. Is something wrong...?’

I
try to stop her, but she pushes me aside. And even though there’s hardly any
light in here, she sees all she needs to see. She screams and I drop the axe
and run after her, catching her when she’s halfway back to the house.

‘I
had to do it, Gab...’

‘Get
off me,’ she yells, and in the dark I lose my balance. She races away and I try
to get up but I can’t.

The
nausea comes hard and fast.

I’m
on my hands and knees, vomiting in the gutter. Everything is completely silent.
All I can hear is high-pitched whistling in my ears: the pressure of knowing
what I’ve just done.

I
retch again, then spit what’s left into the overgrown grass. I get back up, my
hands shaking and numb, heart pounding.

I
stop again before I get home and my legs buckle under the weight of what just
happened.

Hannah?

I
hear the baby scream, and I look up and see Gabby coming out of the house
again. She’s got Hannah over her shoulder and she’s holding Sally with her free
hand. Looks like she’s trying to carry a bag or something heavy too... where
the hell does she think she’s going?

I
try to stop her but she just pushes past, side-steps me and ushers Sally out of
the way. ‘Where’re you going?’

Still
no response. She half-walks, half-runs away from the house now, heading down
towards the front of the development and the road Nathan and I blocked off.
What the hell does she think she’s doing?

Now
Sally’s crying, and Hannah’s screaming, and the girls’ noise is filling the
air. Doesn’t she realise what effect this’ll have?

‘Gabby,
stop,’ I tell her, but she doesn’t. She keeps marching. She’s never been this
far from the house before. She doesn’t know what it’s like... ‘You can’t go out
there.’

And
then she sees it.

The
moon’s still up, revealing more of the outside world than any of us want to
see. Much of the land around the development is in shadow, and my mind starts
to fill in the blanks, imagining huge masses of writhing infected. Gabby’s
still trying to get closer. I can’t let her. I run forward and grab her
shoulder but she brushes me off. Then I make a grab for one of the kids but
Gabby snatches her away. She changes direction, moves towards the railings
around the estate, then she stops.

The
smell here is unbearable. The kids are still crying. A sliver of moonlight
illuminates a patch of ground close to Gabby’s feet and she looks down, then
staggers back. There are hands stretching out through the gaps between the
railings. Dead arms trying to get at us.

She’s
stopped now. She’s a little calmer.

‘You
can’t go out there,’ I tell her, and I try to take Sally’s hand. Gabby just
looks at me.

‘Stay
away from me. Stay away from the girls.’

‘But
Gab, I had to do it.’

‘You
didn’t have to do any of this.’

‘I
did it for you and the kids.’

‘What
the hell happened to you? Just stay away from us, Stuart.’

STUART

WEDNESDAY 15 JULY – 5:14am

A noise wakes me
up with a start. I sit up and listen, but it’s nothing. Probably just an animal...
It’s nothing to worry about, and I put my head back down.

I’m
three houses down the road from home. Gabby still won’t let me back in, won’t
even talk to me. I have to give her space and time to understand that I did
what I had to do, that I did it for
them
. I keep trying to tell her, but
she’s just not ready to listen. I stood outside the house yesterday and shouted
through the bloody letterbox to try and make her see, but she’s too caught up
with the events of the last few days to be able to think logically about the
long-term. If – when – she calms down and thinks this through,
she’ll understand. I’ve made mistakes, sure, but who wouldn’t under this kind
of pressure?
Look around
, I keep telling her,
how many other people
are in as good a position as us? How many other families are left alive?
She knows the answers, she’s just not ready to accept everything yet.

Shit
.

There’s
that noise again. Much closer, this time. What the hell is it? I’m worried it’s
Gabby, trying to take the girls away. There’s no way she’ll get out of the
development, but it’s the damage she’ll do trying to get out that I’m concerned
about.

I’m
up and out of someone else’s bed before I can think. I stumble down the stairs,
confused by the layout of this house. It’s the same as ours but reversed, and I
turn the wrong way at the foot of the stairs, heading for the back not the
front. I realise and turn back, going over onto my ankle and cursing my
stupidity.

The
light outside is grey. I can already see movement out front. Is it Gabby? Is it
one of the infected? I push my way out, still hobbling, then stop.

It’s
neither.

It’s
Nathan.

‘Dad...’
he says and he starts coming towards me. He’s ripped off his facemask and
goggles, and has stripped his wetsuit down to his waist. He’s dripping with
foul gunk. All I want is to reach out and grab hold of him and hug him and tell
him everything’s going to be okay.

But
I can’t.

‘Don’t,
son. Don’t move.’

‘What?’

‘Stay
exactly where you are.’

‘But,
Dad...’

‘Please,
Nathan, just listen to me. You might be infected.’

Now
Gabby’s outside the house. She comes bursting out of the front door, running
towards him.

‘Nathan,
love,’ she shouts. I head her off, almost have to rugby tackle her. She tries pushing
me away but I won’t let go.

‘You
can’t, Gabby. We can’t risk it.’

‘What
the hell are you talking about?’ she says, still fighting.

‘He’s
been out there for almost a week. He might be infected.’

‘Don’t
be stupid... look at him. He’s fine, aren’t you, love?’

Nathan
takes a couple of steps forward, then stops. ‘Dad’s right, Mum,’ he says. His
voice sounds sad... resigned. ‘It’s not worth the risk.’

‘But...’

‘Honestly,
Mum,’ he says, doing his best to reassure her, his teeth chattering with the
cold. ‘I’m just happy to be home. I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of
my life stood out here, I’m just glad to be back.’

Gabby
stops squirming, but I still don’t let go. And, for the first time since the
incident with Dean, she softens towards me. I know she’d rather be holding our
son, but she holds me instead.

‘Nathan,
I’ll go inside and get you some clothes,’ I tell him. ‘Strip off what you’re
wearing and go into that house there.’ I gesture at the house I’ve been
sleeping in. ‘There’s some food in the kitchen. You’ll need to stay there for a
couple of weeks, just to be sure.’

‘Isolation?’

‘Yeah,
something like that. Just long enough so we know you haven’t got it.’

‘I
don’t think I have. I was careful.’

‘I’m
sure you were, son, but you understand, don’t you?’

‘I
understand.’

#

The morning
passes in a haze of speed and unexpected optimism. Nathan’s return has lifted
the mood and given us focus. I stand outside in the early summer heat and burn
his clothes.

It’s
mid-afternoon, and he’s been sleeping solidly since he got back. Gabby’s
playing with the girls on one of the patches of grass. They’re watching the
birds overhead and looking for shapes in the clouds. Nathan’s at the downstairs
window of the house now. He calls over to me. Gabby sees him and comes across
too, carrying Hannah. Sally’s close behind.

Nathan’s
still stripped to the waist, and it’s a shock to see him in broad daylight like
this. He’s always been in good condition, always looked after himself, but he
looks thin and dishevelled now. I can see his ribs, like a POW picture from
World War II. I try not to let my surprise and sadness show. He opens the
window slightly so we can talk, locking it on vent.

‘You
okay, son?’

‘I’m
okay.’

‘Want
to tell us what happened out there?’

He
doesn’t answer at first, and I don’t want to push him.

‘Come
on, love,’ Gabby says. ‘It might help.’

He
starts crying. He tries to act the hard man and hide the tears but it’s no use.
He can’t stop. It’s a couple of minutes before he’s composed enough to talk.
Christ, this is so hard... all I want to do is go in there and hold the kid, to
tell him everything’s going to be okay. I look at Gabby and she looks at me and
I know we’re both as worried as each other.

Nathan
calms down eventually. He clears his throat. ‘I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have
gone. I shouldn’t have done it...’

‘That’s
okay,’ I tell him. ‘I mean it, Nath. You did what you did, and nothing’s gonna
change that. I think maybe you had to go through this. The important thing is
you’re back here now. We’re all here. All of us together again. All safe.’

He
looks at me, then looks away.

‘It
was horrible out there...’ he starts to say. He stops again, still struggling
to pull himself together. ‘It’s so much worse than what we saw on the edge of
the development, Dad.’

‘In
what way?’

‘It’s
never-ending. It never stops. There are infected bodies everywhere, and as soon
as they know you’re not like them, they come for you. When they don’t know
you’re there, it’s like they’re just drifting... peaceful. I almost envy them
’cause it’s like they’re in a trance, like they don’t feel anything. I swear
though... doesn’t matter how sick they are, how weak... once they know you’re
there they just keep coming. I saw things that should have been dead –
half-bodies, ones that had been crushed or burned, stuff like that – but
they were still coming after me. You remember that Pied Piper story? I was like
that. Wherever I went, I had loads of them following.’

‘So
where did you go?’ Gabby asks him.

‘Into
town to start with.’

‘Into
town? Bad move. Why didn’t you go the other way out into the country?’

Gabby
just looks at me and I bite my tongue.

‘I
panicked, I guess. I thought it made sense to stay around buildings and look
for places where there might be food or other survivors. I got into Northfield
before I realised it was a mistake, but by then I couldn’t just turn back. I
had to keep going.’

He
stops, and I can see the effort it’s taking to remember. ‘Go on, son.’

‘I
was looking ahead for places to stop, covering small distances so I was only
outside for a few minutes at a time. Even though they don’t stop, these things,
they’re slow too. You can outrun them if you have to... as long as there aren’t
too many, and as long as you know where they are.’

‘What
do you mean?’

‘I
stuck to the main roads,’ he explains. ‘That way I had a better idea where they
were – either in front or behind. This one time I ended up on a
roundabout in the middle of a shopping centre – Castle Square, I think
it’s called – anyway, they were coming at me from all sides... I nearly
didn’t get away. Still don’t know how I managed it...’

He
stops talking, his voice fading as he recalls the hell he’s just been through.
I know this is hard, but I also know he needs to do this. It’s important. It’s
therapeutic. I can only imagine the things he’s seen. ‘Keep going, Nathan.’

‘I
found a couple of big supermarkets. There was a massive Asda at the bottom of a
hill and I thought about staying there. I took what I could, but I ended up
dumping most of it. I know how stupid that sounds, but I didn’t know what else
to do. It was too heavy to carry. It slowed me down. And I couldn’t risk taking
off my mask when I was out there, so I couldn’t eat or drink much. To be
honest, I was too scared. I made myself eat a couple of times but I ended up
throwing most of it up again. I swear, if the nerves don’t get you out there,
the stink will. And if it’s not the stink, it’s what you see... It never stops.
Everywhere you look there’s death and disease. Everywhere...’

He’s
gone again. Drifting back into a trance-like state.

‘You
don’t have to do this now, love,’ Gabby says, pressing her hand against the
glass.

‘I
want to, Mum,’ he says, and the strength I see in my son’s face is inspiring.
I’m proud of him. He clears his throat again and continues. ‘I got lost. I just
kept running and I didn’t know where I was going.’

‘Did
you see anyone else?’ I ask. ‘Any other survivors?’

He
shakes his head. ‘No one. There’s no one else left anywhere, Dad, just us.’

‘Jesus.’

‘So
I kept going, ’cause I didn’t know what else to do. I kept running, thinking
I’d see a road sign or something else I’d recognise. So that’s what I did. It
was really hard. It kept getting harder. All the time I had bigger crowds of
them following me, and even though I knew they wouldn’t catch me, they just
kept coming.’

‘How
did you find your way back?’

‘Don’t
know, really. I must have run in a massive loop, I reckon, ’cause I ended up
back on the Bristol Road and I just followed it home. This time yesterday I
thought I was dead. I thought I was never going to see any of you again...’

‘It’s
okay, Nathan,’ Gabby says, her palm against his, still separated by the window.
‘Everything’s going to be all right.’

‘No,
it’s not,’ he says, and I sense he still has more to tell us.

‘How
did you get back, son? Once you’d reached the development, how did you get back
inside?’

‘Same
way I went out. There’s a gap...’

‘By
one of the offices?’

‘Yeah,
how did you know?’

‘I
spotted it. Figured that was how you did it. But how did you get back?’

‘Over
the roof of the security building. There’s a truck on the other side of it we
hadn’t seen before. I managed to get through most of the bodies and up onto the
bonnet. Then I just climbed up onto the roof. It was like running through
water. Like raw sewage. Some of them are falling apart.’

I
try not to get fixated on the horror outside, because I’m trying to focus on
other details. ‘Did they see you?’

‘Sure.
Of course they did. But it’s okay... Like I said, they won’t be able to get
over the way I did.’

‘And
you’re certain of that?’ Gabby asks, looking as uneasy as I’m feeling.

‘Yeah.
Completely sure.’

‘Good.’

‘The
Bristol Road was definitely the worst bit,’ he says, sounding a little calmer
now. ‘It’s so wide and so straight... I just had to run for it and hope I’d got
enough energy left to get back here. I nearly didn’t make it. I couldn’t stop,
couldn’t turn around. There were so many of them following me...’

‘How
many?’ I ask him.

‘It’s
impossible to tell. They merge, you know? They all look the same and you can’t
tell how many are in a crowd because they’re all—’

‘Hundreds?
Thousands?’ I interrupt.

‘Go
easy on him, Stu,’ Gabby says. ‘He’s been through a lot.’

‘This
is important. How many?’

‘Too
many,’ he answers, his cockiness returning, almost bragging now. ‘I didn’t stop
to count. You’ve never seen anything like it. The whole Bristol Road was full
of them for as far as I could see. All the way back towards Northfield.
Thousands of them, I guess. Maybe tens of thousands. Why?’

My
legs feel like they’re about to give way. I tell Gabby to go back inside and to
take the girls, and when she starts to argue I scream at her until she runs to
the house in tears. Nathan’s yelling at me too, banging on the glass for me to
listen to him, but I can’t hear anything anymore. Nothing’s sinking in. I run
towards the entrance to the development, not knowing what I’m about to find.

I
climb up onto the barricade, standing on the tele-handler I used to block the
road more than a month ago. I don’t want to look, but I know I have to. I have
to know how bad things are.