The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1044 page)

This is just an affectation on your part;

a poor unmanly depression coming from

your change of fortunes. Why this spade? This place?

These slave's clothes? And these careworn looks?

Your flatterers are still wearing silk, drinking wine, sleeping in soft beds;

they are cuddling their diseased mistresses, and have forgotten

that Timon ever existed. Don't embarrass these woods

by taking up the profession of a cynic.

Become a flatterer yourself, and try to succeed

through the thing which caused your downfall: bend the knee,

bow down so low that the person you're flattering can

blow off your cap with his breath; praise his most revolting quality,

and call it excellent: this is what others did to you;

you were like a barman who is prepared to listen

to any knave who comes in: it would be very apt

for you to become a rascal; if you had wealth again,

rascals would have it. Don't copy me.

TIMON

Were I like thee, I'ld throw away myself.

If I was like you, I'd kill myself.

APEMANTUS

Thou hast cast away thyself, being like thyself;

A madman so long, now a fool. What, think'st

That the bleak air, thy boisterous chamberlain,

Will put thy shirt on warm? will these moss'd trees,

That have outlived the eagle, page thy heels,

And skip where thou point'st out? will the

cold brook,

Candied with ice, caudle thy morning taste,

To cure thy o'er-night's surfeit? Call the creatures

Whose naked natures live in an the spite

Of wreakful heaven, whose bare unhoused trunks,

To the conflicting elements exposed,

Answer mere nature; bid them flatter thee;

O, thou shalt find--

You've already killed yourself, by being who you are;

you were a madman so long, now you're a fool. What,

do you think that the cold air, your hearty servant,

will give you a nice warm shirt? Will these moss covered trees,

that have lived longer than the eagles, follow you around

and do whatever you tell them? Will the cold stream,

covered with ice, bring you a warm drink in the morning

to soothe the results of your indulgence? Call the creatures

who live out here exposed to all the spite

of vengeful heaven, whose bare roofless bodies

are exposed to all the elements, enduring nature

in its undiluted form; tell them to flatter you.

Oh, you shall find–

TIMON

A fool of thee: depart.

You're a fool: go.

APEMANTUS

I love thee better now than e'er I did.

I like you better now than I ever did.

TIMON

I hate thee worse.

I hate you more.

APEMANTUS

Why?

Why?

TIMON

Thou flatter'st misery.

You flatter misery.

APEMANTUS

I flatter not; but say thou art a caitiff.

I don't flatter; but I say you are a wretch.

TIMON

Why dost thou seek me out?

Why did you look for me?

APEMANTUS

To vex thee.

To annoy you.

TIMON

Always a villain's office or a fool's.

Dost please thyself in't?

The job of a villain or a fool.

Do you enjoy it?

APEMANTUS

Ay.

Yes.

TIMON

What! a knave too?

What! You're a knave as well?

APEMANTUS

If thou didst put this sour-cold habit on

To castigate thy pride, 'twere well: but thou

Dost it enforcedly; thou'ldst courtier be again,

Wert thou not beggar. Willing misery

Outlives encertain pomp, is crown'd before:

The one is filling still, never complete;

The other, at high wish: best state, contentless,

Hath a distracted and most wretched being,

Worse than the worst, content.

Thou shouldst desire to die, being miserable.

If you assumed this sour cold dress to

punish your pride, that would be good: but you

do it from necessity; you would be a courtier again,

if you weren't a beggar. Gladly accepted misery

is better than uncertain wealth, the gods prefer it;

one is always trying to get more, never satisfied,

the other is as complete as you could wish: the man in

the best position without happiness is completely wretched,

much worse than someone in a terrible position who is happy.

You should want to die, as you're miserable.

TIMON

Not by his breath that is more miserable.

Thou art a slave, whom Fortune's tender arm

With favour never clasp'd; but bred a dog.

Hadst thou, like us from our first swath, proceeded

The sweet degrees that this brief world affords

To such as may the passive drugs of it

Freely command, thou wouldst have plunged thyself

In general riot; melted down thy youth

In different beds of lust; and never learn'd

The icy precepts of respect, but follow'd

The sugar'd game before thee. But myself,

Who had the world as my confectionary,

The mouths, the tongues, the eyes and hearts of men

At duty, more than I could frame employment,

That numberless upon me stuck as leaves

Do on the oak, hive with one winter's brush

Fell from their boughs and left me open, bare

For every storm that blows: I, to bear this,

That never knew but better, is some burden:

Thy nature did commence in sufferance, time

Hath made thee hard in't. Why shouldst thou hate men?

They never flatter'd thee: what hast thou given?

If thou wilt curse, thy father, that poor rag,

Must be thy subject, who in spite put stuff

To some she beggar and compounded thee

Poor rogue hereditary. Hence, be gone!

If thou hadst not been born the worst of men,

Thou hadst been a knave and flatterer.

Not on the advice of someone who is more miserable.

You are a slave, whom fortune has never

embraced; she made you a dog.

Had you been from birth, like me, given

all the sweet things that this short life allows

to those who have access to its

sweet things, you would have thrown yourself

in with gusto; you would have wasted your youth

in various lustful beds; you would never have learned

to see everything in proportion, but enjoyed

all the sweetness offered to you. But I,

for whom the whole world was a sweet shop,

had the mouths, tongues, eyes and hearts of men

at my service, more than I could find work for,

an infinite number covering me like leaves

on an oak tree; at the first touch of winter

they fell from their branches and left me exposed

to every storm that blows: for me to bear this,

having only known better days, is a great burden:

your life began with suffering, time

has hardened you to it. Why should you hate men?

They never flattered you: what have you given?

If you want to apportion blame your poor rag of a father

must be your subject, who out of spite impregnated

some female beggar and made you,

a poor rogue by birth. Get out of here!

If you hadn't been born in the lowest situation

you would have been a knave and a flatterer.

APEMANTUS

Art thou proud yet?

Are you still proud?

TIMON

Ay, that I am not thee.

Yes, that I am not you.

APEMANTUS

I, that I was

No prodigal.

I’m proud that I didn't

throw money around.

TIMON

I, that I am one now:

Were all the wealth I have shut up in thee,

I'ld give thee leave to hang it. Get thee gone.

That the whole life of Athens were in this!

Thus would I eat it.

I’m proud I did:

if all the wealth I have was in your body,

I'd give you permission to hang yourself. Go away.

I wish all the lives in Athens were in this root!

I would eat it like this.

Eating a root

APEMANTUS

Here; I will mend thy feast.

Here; I will improve your feast.

Offering him a root

TIMON

First mend my company, take away thyself.

First improve my company, by going away.

APEMANTUS

So I shall mend mine own, by the lack of thine.

That way I would improve my own, by not having yours.

TIMON

'Tis not well mended so, it is but botch'd;

if not, I would it were.

That wouldn't mend it, just botch it up;

whatever the case, I wish you would do it.

APEMANTUS

What wouldst thou have to Athens?

What would you like to give to Athens?

TIMON

Thee thither in a whirlwind. If thou wilt,

Tell them there I have gold; look, so I have.

You, in the middle of a whirlwind. If you want,

tell the people there that I have gold; look, I have.

APEMANTUS

Here is no use for gold.

Gold is useless here.

TIMON

The best and truest;

For here it sleeps, and does no hired harm.

It has its best and truest use here;

it sleeps here, and can't buy any evil.

APEMANTUS

Where liest o' nights, Timon?

Where do you sleep at night, Timon?

TIMON

Under that's above me.

Where feed'st thou o' days, Apemantus?

Out in the open air.

Where do you eat in the day, Apemantus?

APEMANTUS

Where my stomach finds meat; or, rather, where I eat

it.

Wherever my stomach finds food; or, rather, where I eat

it.

TIMON

Would poison were obedient and knew my mind!

I wish I had control of poison!

APEMANTUS

Where wouldst thou send it?

Where would you send it?

TIMON

To sauce thy dishes.

To spice up your food.

APEMANTUS

The middle of humanity thou never knewest, but the