The Color of Silence (14 page)

Chapter 28

“Hey, kid. It's OK. Just relax. I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I was staring at the screen instead of you.” Patrick finally notices me and puts his hand on my arm.

“Yes, it's totally OK! I wasn't expecting you to get every single one right.” Shawna notices because Patrick does. “You're doing fine. It all just takes time. I guess we really need Alexandra here. She seemed to keep us all in line last time.”

Shawna's very nice and enthusiastic, but she seems to have a bit of trouble seeing me some of the time. She's right about Alexandra though.

Shawna puts her hand on my other arm. The contact feels warm and nice, and it does relax me. I can feel my breathing slowing down and my mind getting back some control. I tell my eyes that I'm the boss and it's time to get moving in the right direction.

“Green.”

“Yellow.”

“Blue.”

The Wizard shows off our knowledge of colors, and Shawna and Patrick both squeeze my arm gently to show me how impressed they are.

“That's beyond fantastic, kid. I'm proud of you!” Patrick squeezes my arm again. “Wish I could stay and watch, but I've got work to do. Unfortunately for me, you're not my only patient. I'll come when I can, though, and I'll talk to Kathleen about making sure all the staff are briefed on how to work with this machine.”

“Thanks, Patrick. Now, Joanie, we have a big step to try today, so you need to really focus. It's not harder, just more important than what we've already done. Here we go.”

A big step? I'm not sure if that's a totally good idea without Alexandra here to…what did Shawna say?… Oh, yes, keep us all in line.

The squares sit quietly on the screen, waiting for what comes next. I'm expecting more colors, maybe five or six that I have to choose between, and I brace myself for the onslaught of color and light. Shawna touches the screen for a few seconds and then two of the squares fill up with colored words. But this time the words don't identify the color. I know these words. Green is Yes. And red is No.

“So, this time the squares mean more than just color. This time the green square is Yes and the red is No. Today you're going to practice the most practical step of all. OK?”

I smile my yes, and try not to feel insulted that she thinks I can't read. I don't need the colors to know the difference between Yes and No. But how would she know what I can do? She doesn't really know me at all.

I think I was expecting a bigger step than this. That's OK, though. I can do this on my own.

If Alexandra
was
here, I don't think she would have read the words to me. And not just because she doesn't like to talk. She would just know. I really think she's starting to see me better than some other people do. Just a little.

She would know that I'm ready for even bigger steps than this…giant steps that move everything forward much faster than we're moving now!

“Let's just start by targeting each word individually. So, I want you to look at Yes.” She points to it for me, just in case
I can't read and forgot what she just said to me three seconds ago. I'm really not upset though. I can be patient. I have had lots and lots and lots of practice.

My eyes are already warmed up, and it's easy to focus on the single Yes square. It's several squares away from No, so I don't accidentally say the wrong thing.

“Yes.” The Wizard speaks.

“Absolutely yes! OK, let's try No.

“No.” The Wizard says it almost immediately.

“All right! Now I'm going to try them in different arrangements on the screen. Most of the time, the words will be mixed in with other words, letters, and symbols as you increase your repertoire, so we'll try mixing it up a bit.”

We practice for several minutes, my eyes scanning the screen to find the all important words. Then Shawna mixes the Yes and No squares in with the color squares from the other day. This gets a little more confusing, and I have to slow my eyes down so I don't hit the wrong square. At the same time, I have to speed my eyes up so I don't sit on the wrong square too long when I'm scanning. If that happens, the Wizard says the wrong word, and I have to try it over again.

“Are you all right to keep going?” Shawna asks me after what seems like a hundred tries.

My mind becomes very still for a second. She asked me a question that has an answer sitting right in front of me.
I can answer her question, and she will understand what I said.
If I can answer it right.

I scan the screen where Yes is sitting proudly beside Green and Yellow. Perhaps she put it beside Green to test or confuse me, but I can see the difference between the Green word telling me Yes and the Green square telling me its name. I can see it, but now I have to make my eyes find it and stop on the right one.

I feel suddenly nervous, and I close my eyes for fear of hitting the wrong square. I know if I do hit the wrong square, Shawna might let me try again. Or she might think I mean No instead of Yes. Or she might think that I don't really understand how to do this if I land on Yellow or Blue, words that don't even begin to answer her question.

I wish again that Alexandra was here. I feel calmer when she's here. Like I'm not as alone.

I know it's just a simple thing—just a simple answer to a simple question.

It's just a simple thing.

But it feels like everything.

A giant step after all.

I force my eyes open and tell them to answer Shawna's question—to tell someone what I want and have them understand.

“Yes,” the Wizard and I answer.

Shawna nods and leans over to set up the screen, as if having a conversation with me is the most natural thing in the world. My eyes start to fill with tears, and I tell them sternly to stop. I can't focus on the screen if I'm crying. I can't talk through my tears.

I've never cried happy tears before. Maybe in a few weeks, I'll be able to tell Shawna that.

Chapter 29

Words.

So many words.

Right after Cali died, people tried to fill up my empty places with words.

So many people talked to me—told me it was going to be OK, that I had to keep living my life. So many words slipping into me, dancing around inside my brain, senseless and useless.

Words.

If I had found the right words in that car, I could have told her what to do. I could have calmed her down and kept us on the road.

If I had the right words, I could have told her not to go.
Or told her I would drive.

But I didn't.

I didn't say anything right.

And Cali died.

So I just stopped saying anything at all unless I had to.

Until yesterday when I found just enough words to make my father cry.

My father has never talked much about what happened that night. He was there when the police were first questioning me, and I was answering with all kinds of words that were coming out in the wrong order. He was there when the police kept questioning me and I stopped answering.

But now that I think about it, he never actually asked me to explain. I just always thought he knew the facts—that he sorted them out from all of the words.

Matt told the police that he never gave anyone his keys—that Cali must have stolen them out of his jacket. He told them he didn't even know me. I don't know if he thought she had her license or not. But I know that he gave her the keys. Cali didn't
steal
his keys. She would never have done that. He gave them to her so she could go and get him a stupid coffee.

But I couldn't prove it because I wasn't there. I was outside with Mandy instead, having a good time while Cali went off on her own. I didn't stand beside her that night like I was supposed to, which meant I couldn't stand up for her after.

Not that anyone was really interested in the actual facts. They were only interested in knowing who was driving the car, who the car belonged to, and what we were planning to do with it. Two who's and a what.

Nobody really asked why.

The only thing my father says about that night is that
I shouldn't blame myself. As if I'm some sort of innocent victim here. That I somehow got forced into the car by Cali and that I had no choice. He's wrong, but I know it's only because he loves me.

Believes in me.

I had choices.

I made choices.

Wrong choices.

Selfish choices.

And I'm still doing it.

With my dad.

Shutting him out.

Making him
cry.

And with Joanie.

Coming to the hospital day after day without any real idea what I'm doing for her. Keeping my mouth closed because I'm too afraid to open it in case I accidentally tell her who I am.

I just keep on making messes that I can't figure out how to clean up.

I look around my room as if there might be answers on the floor or the walls—or maybe on a chair or my desk.

My laptop is still sitting there, staring at me in its purple-flowered silence, accusing me.

I didn't bother to learn about the most important thing in Joanie's life because I was afraid.

Again.

There's only so much Shawna can tell me when she's trying to work with Joanie at the same time. There's only so much I can do when I don't really understand what it's all about.

Maybe I should go and see if Dad's computer is free
right now.

Or maybe I should stop being a baby-faced coward and just use my own computer.

That really sounded like Cali's voice floating around inside my head.

I walk over to the desk and stand staring at the flowers that Cali thought were the most important part of the computer.

I open up the screen and press the button. Nothing.
Of course not. I haven't used it in a year.

I plug it in and try again. The laptop starts to come to life, and my eyes shut as the images start filling the screen.

I keep them shut, trying to dig up my courage. It's buried so far down that I have trouble finding it. .

Finally, I take a deep breath and slowly force myself to look at the screen. My breath bursts back out in a loud, shaky sigh, and I put my hands on my cheeks to hold myself together.

Cali's face fills the entire right side of the screen, her big brown eyes staring right into me—Cali eyes, all sparkly and full of life, laughing at me like they always have.

The left side of the screen is filled with me, most of my face covered in icons. Or maybe they're splotches. I don't know.

We're both smiling, big toothpaste-commercial smiles. Mine looks goofy and fake. Cali's looks beautiful and real.

My eyes start to burn, and my hands start to tremble. I feel like I'm going to pass out again. This is becoming a bad habit.

I want to turn off the computer and never turn it on again.

But Cali's staring at me. She looks like she's going to open her mouth any second and start talking to me. Again.

If she did start talking, she would probably tell me to stop being such a wuss.

About everything.

I sit there, just staring at the two of us until the faces start to blur. I shake my head to clear my eyes before clicking on one of my splotches. Our images fade away as the browser's home page fills the screen.

I type the words
eye gaze technology
into the search bar and click on search. Over a million hits! I can't believe how much information there is on this.

I start opening up page after page of facts and pictures and links to videos. It's absolutely amazing to see how many different ways there are to help people communicate.

I was hoping that all the machines looked exactly the same and had the same kind of screen options so that I could find instructions or something. But there seem to be so many different possibilities, depending on who's using it and why they need it.

I can't believe how many people need this stuff.

People like Joanie.

Or maybe not.

No one I read about or look at on Yo
u
Tube is exactly like Joanie. They're all different sizes, shapes, colors, and ages, and they all have different reasons for being silent. They really only have one thing in common.

Every one of them is silent because they don't have a choice.

I sit and watch the faces of the people finally finding their voices, and the faces of the people watching them do it—everyone so happy to find the hidden words.

What would it be like to want so badly to talk that
blue
is the most exciting word in the world?

What is wrong with me? Going in to see Joanie and basically refusing to talk, when all she wants in the world is to be able to do the one thing that I've decided to stop.

If Cali were still here, this is when she'd call me an idiot.
If she were here instead of me, she would have showered Joanie with words, drenching her with stories from her life and from her wild imagination. If Cali were here instead of me, she'd think about Joanie instead of herself.

I'm embarrassed to be me right now.

All I need is a little courage. Very little.

Only enough to talk to someone who can't even talk back yet.

And maybe a little extra, to talk to someone else whose biggest crime is believing in me.

Chapter 30

“Hi.”

I hear the voice before the shoes today. I guess I was lost in my thoughts again. I'm glad she's back, but her voice sounds different somehow. Even though she's only shared one syllable today, and I don't have much to compare it to.

I wonder if Alexandra would like to try my Wizard machine. Maybe she'd like hearing her thoughts come out in a computer voice rather than in her own. I can't help but laugh as I think about us talking to each other through the Wizard. Wouldn't that be a strange sounding conversation.The Wizard would sound like he was talking to himself!

“Oh, hello, Alexandra. Glad to see you're back and feeling better. I was going to come and see you while you were downstairs, but you checked out too fast.” Patrick is still getting me settled in my chair so that Alexandra and I can head down to Shawna's office. I am extra excited today because Shawna has been training the ward staff on my machine, and it's going to be sent back with me to my room so I can use it all the time. Or at least whenever someone is able to take time to set it up and work with me. Alexandra and I will take it back and forth for my Shawna sessions, but hopefully there will be lots of other chances to make more words.

I'm so busy thinking about myself and my words, I almost miss Patrick's. He said something about Alexandra being downstairs and checking out. That sounds like he's saying that she was actually here in the hospital as a patient. No one said that to me. All I heard was that she was ill and staying in bed for a rest. No one said the bed she was staying in was a hospital bed. I wish I had known. I could have visited her for a change!

I wonder what was wrong with her and if she is all right now. She must be, because she already checked out. I have been waiting a long time to check out of this hospital. I have to admit, though, I don't really want to leave anymore.
At least not right now.
I worry that leaving might mean stopping our work with the Wizard.
No one has said anything about what happens next. Whether or not I will get my own machine that can come with me anywhere
I go so I can tell anyone I meet “yes” or “no” or that “I like the color yellow.” Or any of the other wonderful things I am going to learn how to say today and the next day and the day after that!

Patrick leaves the room, and Alexandra comes over to stand in front of me where I can see her. She sits down on the chair across from me, which surprises me a bit because
I thought we were going straight down to Shawna's room. She seems distracted today, as if her eyes are looking somewhere else, inside instead of out. Perhaps Patrick was wrong and she isn't feeling better after all. I wonder what it would feel like to have my body sit so very still and quiet like hers. She looks at me with tired eyes and tries a small smile.

“Sorry I've been away. I was sick.” I can't believe there are so many words coming out of her.

“You look surprised. Guess you thought I couldn't talk much.”

Her voice is soft but clear. It's strange to hear her speaking to me like this. It almost makes her seem like a different person. I have been imagining her thoughts for so many days that I've kind of made her up in my mind, created her personality out of my own ideas instead of hers. It makes me wonder again if people will think that I'm a different person when I start to share my thoughts with them, even though I'll be doing it with someone else's voice. Some
thing
else's voice, that is.

“I can talk. Obviously. It's just that I really don't like to talk much. But when I was…sick…I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that I was being kind of selfish. That I couldn't really help you communicate if I kept my mouth shut so tight.”

Her voice definitely doesn't sound like a Wizard. She sounds more like a Dorothy or even a Glinda—soft and ladylike. I like the sound of her. It's like meeting someone new and finding someone familiar all at the same time.

“I'm sorry I've been so quiet. I've been dealing with some…nothing. Anyway, long story short, I decided that I need to start talking so I can help you properly. And that's enough about me. I guess we're heading down to see Shawna. Patrick tells me that the machine is coming back with you today, which is cool.”

Some nothing? I think she's been dealing with more
than that.

Enough about her? She hasn't really said anything about herself yet.

Now that she's found some of her words, I need her details. I am so curious to know what a seventeen-year-old girl's life is like outside these walls. Where does she go when she leaves the hospital? Who are her friends? What is her school like? Does she have a boyfriend who takes her on dates, like the girls in books and on TV?

I've never had a boyfriend. I think about it sometimes, though. I wonder what it would be like.

Maybe, just maybe, if I can find enough of my own words with the Wizard's help, I can ask her. Maybe it's lucky that I can't ask yet. I might scare her away if I demand too many words from her too fast. But I'm just so excited that she finally decided to share…even a little bit!

“Oh, one more thing about me. It probably doesn't matter. Everyone around here calls me Alexandra, but most people call me Alex. Just thought you should know.”

Alex. That sounds so different inside my mind. She doesn't look like Alex to me. Alexandra sounds more like her. It's more…musical.

I wonder if Shawna will tell Alexandra about me being able to say Yes, or if we will just show her when we get downstairs.

“Oh, one
more
thing,” she says to me as the doors swish closed, leaving us standing alone in the elevator. She walks in front of me to push the button, then looks at me straight on. “I'm going to keep the talking just between us. When we're alone. I hope you don't think I'm totally weird.” She shrugs her shoulders. I smile at her to let her know that don't think she's weird at all.

Well, maybe I think she's a little weird, but I'm fine with it, as long as it means she's talking to me!

Alexandra is true to her words and doesn't say anything at all when we are together in Shawna's office. It doesn't seem to matter to Shawna, because she has plenty to say and keeps the conversation going for all of us.

We started off practicing all of the words I know so far. Alexandra seems impressed with my Yes and my No, but I'm more eager to see what new words Shawna has in store for me.

“OK. I only have a few more minutes today, and I want to take the time to show Alexandra how to operate the system and how to close everything up safely and put it away in its case for transporting. I hope that's OK with you, Joanie?”

I sit for a second or two, wondering how to answer. It isn't really OK with me at all. I want to learn new words. I'm ready! But at the same time, I understand that Shawna doesn't have endless time and needs to teach Alexandra how to work the Wizard so we can practice whenever we want. So I have to say yes, even though it's not completely true.

If something isn't completely true, isn't it a lie? Am I about to tell my first one?

My eyes and the Wizard's voice find “yes” and answer her. Alexandra smiles, and for a moment I see it go way up into her eyes.

My whole face smiles back at her, and suddenly I'm not lying at all.

It
is
OK after all.

I made Alexandra smile.