Authors: Lisa Becker
The Click Trilogy (16 page)
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Note taken. Smoking bad. Smokin’ good. And, will make a note that you need a thesaurus for Channukah. Yes, it’s six months away, but you know I like to plan ahead. Hang in there!!
From: Shelley Manning – July 5, 2011 – 8:02 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Sorry I wasn’t able to swing by, sweetie. And, sorry I’ve not emailed back for a day or two. I was busy celebrating Independence Day making some fireworks. We’ll refer to this guy as The Rocket from now on. He was quite explosive.
As far as your date went: Smokin’ – yes. Smoking – no. So sorry, Renee. But I must say I’m quite proud of you for dealing with confrontation head on and in person during the KISS GOODBYE and not resorting to an email to give him the KISS OFF. While the man of your dreams must still be out there, I think this has been a good experience for you so far.
From: Renee Greene – July 5, 2011 – 10:42 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Well, I’m delighted to hear you think it’s been a good experience so far. I think it’s been depressing, horrifying, embarrassing, pointless and demoralizing. Guess I don’t need a thesaurus after all. ;) But, what I do need is a break….and perhaps a good cuddle (HA! HA!) Meet at Mel’s tomorrow for lunch – usual time.
From: Renee Greene – July 5, 2011 – 10:45 AM
Subject: Profile on Hold
I was writing to request that you please hide my profile from viewing until further notice. My ID# is 49628; Screen Name: PRGal1981.
From: [email protected] – July 5, 2011 – 10:48 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Profile on Hold
Profile has been hidden until further request.
Chapter 6 – Dating The Old-Fashioned Way
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 11:37 AM
To: Shelley Manning, Ashley Price, Mark Finlay
Subject: Drum Roll Please…
You will never believe this. After years of toiling away on boring corporate and consumer products (let me tell you, I've literally watched the paint dry on behalf of Excel Paint), I'm
finally
getting an assignment that literally ROCKS. We just got hired to help Nuvision with the launch of a new video game. Our first project is to help them with an event they are sponsoring with MTV in a few short weeks. A bunch of pro extreme athletes will be there. And, Marsh 7 will be performing. While they aren't my favorite – can you imagine if it were Spider Fire! – I'm still excited to see them perform live...and for work no less. We're hosting the green room for all of the VIPs, so I'll be hob nobbing with the celebs. Much work to do before then, but wanted to share the exciting news. Hurrah!
From: Mark Finlay – July 11, 2011 – 12:22 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
Nuvision? Those greedy corporate shills? Just kidding. I know a bunch of guys that work over there. It’s a good shop. They are lucky to have you representing them. Only wish my little ol’ company could afford the amazing PR prowess of one, Ms. Renee Greene. Glad to know you are finally getting to do something fun and worthy of your wonderful charms.
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 12:23 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
From: Shelley Manning – July 11, 2011 – 2:56 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
That is so cool. So you aren't a huge fan, but you are right. Exciting just to be there. I can't wait to hear all about the celebs and stars. Those extreme athletes are really hot, too. My friend Cheryl went to the X Games and said they have really taut bodies. I guess hurling your body up a ramp while standing on a piece of plywood with a few wheels strapped on really gets your legs, abs and buns in shape. Yum!
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 4:55 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
So I guess that you are the S (for Shelley) that adds SEX to EXtreme. UGH! That was totally lame. I realized as I was writing it that I was trying to be clever and basically, it just isn't working. But, rather than erase it, I thought I would show you that I've at least made an effort. Loser, huh?
From: Shelley Manning – July 11, 2011 – 5:07 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
You are NOT a loser. Granted that was lame. Very lame.
But I don't want to hear this loser bullshit. You are always so down on yourself. You are amazing, wonderful, smart, talented, terrific. So get over yourself and just accept it. YOU rock. YOU are SUPERMODEL RENEE!!!
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 6:32 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
Sorry. I know I have this bad habit of always putting myself down. Bad habits are hard to break. Thanks for always being such an incredibly supportive friend and for giving me a good kick in the ass when I need it.
From: Renee Greene – July 12, 2011 – 11:31 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Douche Bag Alert!
Where are you? It’s 11:30 on a Tuesday. I tried calling because I was having a bad moment and logged on to the dating site to look at Matt’s photo. I know totally lame. Can we say Cyber Stalker? So I’m looking through his profile and that jerk took material from my “you’re an ass” email and put it into his profile. He basically stole my “I deserve” speech and made it sound like that’s who HE IS. I’m so mad right now I could literally scream. HELP!
From: Shelley Manning – July 13, 2011 – 9:31 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Douche Bag Alert!
Sorry!!!!!!!!!
Was out late last night. Had a wild date with this guy I met at a party last weekend. The Tongue, as he will be known moving forward, was quite a talent. Quite the talent indeed.
Anyway, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you called. What an absolutely miserable scuz bucket. I cannot believe that he did that.
Call me tonight. I’ll be home around 7:00 and you can scream all you want. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Shelley Manning – July 14, 2011 – 11:22 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Ha! That is not code for anything. Shocking, I know. Hey, I know it’s short notice, but I got invited to this swanky, private cigar bar in Beverly Hills tomorrow night. Want to come along? The Tongue is bringing a couple of friends. Could be fun? And maybe if we get lucky – or should I say the guys get lucky – there will be something illicit happening. :)
From: Renee Greene – July 14, 2011 – 7:02 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Sorry for my delay in responding. Was at a client meeting all day and just getting home. While I’m sure The Tongue has some friends that would make delightful company, I’m just not up for meeting anyone right now. I’m much happier wallowing in self pity with a can of frosting. Don’t be mad.
From: Shelley Manning – July 15, 2011 – 10:32 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
You have pretty much been through the ringer, which is why I thought a night at an exclusive club would be a nice treat. But, if you would rather sulk, I get it. Let’s plan to meet for brunch on Sunday around 11ish. Sound good?
From: Renee Greene – July 15, 2011 – 10:35 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Perfect. Have fun.
From: Ashley Price – June 18, 2011 – 2:00 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Why So Glum?
You sounded so glum on the phone. Don’t give me this “I don’t feel like talking” business. What’s up?
From: Renee Greene – June 18, 2011 – 2:30 PM
To: Ashley Price
Subject: Re: Why So Glum?
Ugh! Well, a few months ago, I met this guy Matt through the online dating site and foolishly fell for his charms. After he slept with me, he dumped me.
I responded with a dignified email that told him what a royal shit he is and how I deserve better. Just found out he took the “I deserve” part and re-did his profile using all of the information to make it sound like he
is
this really great guy. I’m just in a self-pitying funk. Nothing a few more cans of frosting won’t cure. Sorry I was so curt on the phone. I know you were just checking in. Hope you are well. Let’s make some plans to meet at Mel’s when I’m back from Vegas.
From: Ashley Price – June 18, 2011 – 4:45 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Why So Glum?
So sorry to hear that Renee. You do deserve better! And, honestly it’s no surprise someone you met online turned out to be full of complete crap. Yes on Mel’s. Call me when you’re back and we’ll put it on the calendar.
From: Renee Greene – June 18, 2011 – 5:02 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Why do I always get a sense there’s some schadenfreude going on in her emails?
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Schaden-what?
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:35 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Schadenfreude. It’s a German word that means other people are taking pleasure in your misery.
From: Shelley Manning – June 19, 2011 – 8:40 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Oh, of course, Schadenfreude. I think you sense it because deep down you know she wants everyone else around her to be miserable too. Well, let’s just say, I’m the ying to her yang. I want NOTHING but the VERY BEST for you.
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:45 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Thanks!
From: Renee Greene – July 21, 2011 – 9:13 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Dateless in LA?
I got your voicemail and now fear you are avoiding my return call. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How can you have not gone on one single cyber date yet? You posted your bio a month and a half ago! And I know you are getting emails. So, what’s the deal?!? Send me your password. I am logging on and will find the PERFECT woman for you.
From: Mark Finlay – July 21, 2011 – 9:17 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Dateless in LA?
Yes, I’ve been avoiding your calls and yes, I haven’t gone on a date yet. I knew you’d be angry and you know how I hate to disappoint you. All of these choices are too overwhelming for me. And, I’m totally swamped with work. The password is my birthday – two digit month, day and year. I know. Pretty lame, huh? Just couldn’t think of anything else.
From: Renee Greene – July 21, 2011 – 9:27 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Dateless in LA?
It’s not lame. It’s easy to remember. Granted, easy for someone to steal, but I doubt anyone is going to log in and set up random dates on your behalf. Okay, my mission for this weekend is to scour the site for your perfect match. I’ll be in touch.
From: Renee Greene – July 23, 2011 – 11:28 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Holy Cow!
HOLY COW! You are NOT going to believe this. I’m home, yes on a Saturday night and yes, you are out doing something probably fun and wild, but I’m home. (That’s not the part you aren’t going to believe!)
I’m online, looking through dating profiles to find the perfect woman for Mark. Stop laughing. Just because the two of you didn’t work out (Tee Hee!), doesn’t mean there isn’t someone perfect for him out there. As my great grandma used to say, for every seat, there’s a tuchus.
So, I start off going through all of the women who have emailed him. And believe me, he’s coming across as quite the catch. I emailed back to a few of them and then started my own search. I’m going through scores of women and come across a profile for…
ASHLEY! Yes, that Ashley.
After all of that shit she gave me about online dating being for desperate people, she’s right there among the pack scouring for love online. What a hypocrite. And to think I felt pretty lame for doing this online thing and here she is on there, too. ARGH! What should I do?!?
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2011 – 11:01 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Holy Cow!
Sorry sweetie. Was in bed all weekend. His name was Christian but from now on, he shall be known as Mocha Man. He liked EVERYTHING dipped in chocolate. Yummy!
Anyway, I’m just getting to emails. Gotta confess, I’m not surprised at all that Miss Priss is a hypocrite. Those judgmental types usually are. Just look at all the overly religious folks and bible thumpers who end up sleeping with hookers, doing drugs, and cheating on their wives.
But I digress. First of all, you should NOT be feeling bad or desperate about online dating. Lots of people are doing this these days. In fact, I read that one in five relationships now start online. What you should feel bad about is letting her damage your (sadly and unjustifiably) already ailing self-esteem.
What you need is a big ol’ dose of moral superiority and you can get that by calling her out on her behavior and attitude.
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2011 – 3:03 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Holy Cow!
You’re so right. And just the other day, she said she and Evan called it off because he told her she was a judgmental snob. And, instead of thinking that maybe she has some things to work on, she just said she deserves better than him. Now granted, I keep telling her she deserves better. Evan is an ass and a half, but still. She looks in the mirror and sees right past every flaw but has no problem noticing and pointing out the flaws in everyone else. I’m so pissed right now (Should we call Wee Man? –Tee Hee!) that I could just SCREAM!
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2011 – 3:15 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Holy Cow!
Harness that anger, channel it into a coherent but honest tirade and let ‘er rip. And, don’t forget to call or email me when it’s done. I’m SO curious how it goes. Would seriously LOVE to be a fly on the wall for that one.
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2011 – 9:07 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Holy Cow!
So I just got off the phone with Ashley
and really let her have it. But not before I wrote out a speech on paper so I didn’t chicken out.
Basically, I told her that in all of the years we’ve been friends, I’ve looked past her snide comments and judgmental behavior because bottom line, she’s been a good friend and we’ve been friends for so long. But I was outraged (yes, I used the word outraged) that she continued to make me feel bad about something and then was doing the same thing behind my back.
She broke down and started crying. But I didn’t relent. I held my ground and explained her behavior was unacceptable. She apologized profusely and said that she’s just a very insecure person who probably uses it as a defense mechanism. Well, I told her that defense mechanism or not, she needs to be honest and refrain from making unfair judgments or we would have to dissolve our friendship.
I’ve NEVER spoken to anyone like
that
before in my entire life. I’m literally shaking.
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2011 – 10:02 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Holy Cow!
From: Renee Greene – July 29, 2011 – 3:30 PM
To: Shelley Manning, Mark Finlay, Ashley Price
Subject: Vegas, Baby!
So our event with Marsh 7 is this weekend in...VEGAS. YEAH! VEGAS BABY! I will be a pretty hip chick this weekend indeed. Everything for our event is done (hello, can you say organized!?) and so I'm really going to just capture it all on my phone. And, if I happen to snap a few photos of me with Marsh 7, so be it. I'm just excited to have an all-access pass to something...anything. For once, I'm gonna be cool. Hurrah! Okay, anyone who writes "Hurrah!" in an email cannot be THAT cool. But, nonetheless, this is close to cool as I'm ever gonna get.
From: Shelley Manning – July 29, 2011 – 4:02 PM
To: Mark Finlay, Ashley Price, Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Vegas, Baby!
Good luck, sweetie. I’m sure it will be an amazing event. And don’t forget, you are SUPERMODEL RENEE!
From: Ashley Price – July 29, 2011 – 4:15 PM
To: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene; Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Vegas, Baby!
Knock ‘em dead!
From: Mark Finlay – July 29, 2011 – 5:30 PM
To: Shelley Manning, Ashley Price, Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Vegas, Baby!
“Hurrah” for Renee. (Guess I’m just not that cool either.)
From: Renee Greene – July 29, 2011 – 5:31 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Vegas, Baby!
Bite your tongue!
From: Shelley Manning – July 29, 2011 – 5:33 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Fwd: Re: Vegas, Baby!
Fine. Anyway, I have a date tonight. Maybe he’ll bite it for me. ;)
From: Renee Greene – July 31, 2011 – 10:07 PM
To: Shelley Manning, Mark Finlay, Ashley Price
Subject: 8th Grade Flashbacks :(
So, I am definitely not as cool as I thought after being at this event in Vegas. Now, considering I really didn't think I was all that cool to begin with, I've sunk to new lows. Let me start off by saying our event was great. The client was pleased and we had awesome consumer participation.
And, I must confess, the grass really is greener on the other side. Let's just say I felt really cool being on the inside of the barriers. No, I wasn't a lowly general consumer walking around and wondering if I would get a glimpse of someone who is a someone. I was being envied by other people. Now THAT hasn't happened in a really long time.
People were asking, begging, pleading to be let into the secure area where I was. And alas, they were rebuffed and sent away crying. (Okay, so they weren't crying. I'm adding a little dramatic license here. Just bear with me.)
But really, I felt like the most uncool person in the VIP area. In other words, I was the loser of the cool group. Can we say 8th grade all over again? UGH! The athletes looked at me (considering they never even spoke a word to me) as if I wasn't even there. Now granted, they were there for an exhibition and preparing to dazzle people with their extreme sports capabilities. Lord knows that if you really want to impress people, you've got to jump a BMX bike over a bunch of garbage cans. But still. They walked into an empty room and didn't even acknowledge that it wasn't really empty. I was there. However, it was cool to see Marsh 7. They only showed up for about 20 minutes. They were in a different secure location before their performance...ran to the green room after their set but before their encore. They were basically in their own little world except for Jason Kite, the bass player. He was so nice and asked me who I was and what I was doing there, how things were going, etc. He even asked for my card. Weird, huh?
From: Mark Finlay – July 31, 2011 – 10:26 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: 8th Grade Flashbacks :(
So sorry to hear that Renee. As you well know, I think you’re great.
From: Ashley Price – August 1, 2011 – 8:26 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: 8th Grade Flashbacks :(
UGH! So sorry, Renee. It’s hard to believe there are people out there who just feel superior to others. But, I don’t really remember 8th grade being all that bad. We’ll catch up properly with our lunch at Mel’s.
From: Shelley Manning – August 1, 2011 – 9:53 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: 8th Grade Flashbacks :(
How rude. You know, celebrities make me sick sometimes. Granted, I would love to be hanging out with them so I could look down on the little people. But since I'm a little person right now, they make me sick. They think they are so much better than everyone else. I'm sorry they were so rude to you. Little do they know that you are so worth knowing. But, that's pretty cool that Jason Kite was so chatty with you. Is he nice? Is he cute? DETAILS!!!
From: Renee Greene – August 1, 2011 – 11:07 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: 8th Grade Flashbacks :(
Actually, he was much cuter in person than I thought he would be. In the videos, he looks a bit greasy. He was quite grunge, but not in a dirty way. And he was much shorter than I expected, which made him all the more attractive. Like a real person and not some grandiose rock star. He was actually really nice. He seemed to be genuinely excited to be there and have the crowd so enthusiastic. I think he just felt sorry for me since everyone else was essentially ignoring me. And, they were actually really good live. Although they've never really been my style, they have some great songs.