The Circle (56 page)

“I'm glad to meet you. Sorry I didn't understand right away—”

“You're hurt.” She had a soft voice, soft and clear.

“Not too badly. Look, Mrs. Evlin.”

“Deanne, please.”

“Deanne, I had no idea you were in town. I'd have looked you up. I had a lot of—a lot of respect for Alan.”

His words seemed to release some inner tension. She dropped her eyes, and he thought for a moment she'd weep. But she didn't. Instead she smiled up again, a slow, sad smile with peace woven into it. “I'm glad to hear that.”

“It's the truth. Al and I—we got to talk some. On the bridge, at night. I wish we'd had time for more. He was quite a man. A good officer, but … in a different way from the others.”

“Did he show you the picture of the Master?”

Dan grinned.

“He shows that to everybody. I think he uses it—used it—as a test. The Master heard of it, and laughed! He thought it was amusing. There's power, you see, even in a photograph of him.”

“Well, I don't know about that. Al told me about you, and your MS work, and your—plans together. I'm sorry. Did you come here for the court of inquiry? I guess that's a stupid question.”

“Not so stupid. I guess no one expected me. They won't even let me in.”

“That's right, it's closed except to survivors. I was trying to think where you would have been sitting. But still—”

“That's terrible!” said Susan, putting her hand on Deanne's.

“Yes, you'd think they'd let me know something. But all they say is that it's in progress and I'll be informed of the outcome. But how can I just wait? It's as if he's on trial, isn't it? Even though he's already rejoined?”

“Rejoined—yes. Yes, it is.”

“I wish—not that it hadn't happened, everything that happens is right—but that he'd had just a little more time. He was thinking of leaving the Navy, you know. It wasn't my will, or the Master's. But we discussed it, his participation, and whether it was appropriate for his stage of development. He was close to a decision.”

“He'd made it.”

“I'm sorry?” The calm eyes turned to him.

“He'd made that decision, Deanne. On this cruise.”

“And what did he decide?”

He said awkwardly, “He told me he'd decided to get out. And when it came to, to when he had to act on what he believed—I don't know if I agree with what he did. But I think it was the decision you'd have wanted from him. It would have made you proud.”

“I think I see. Will you be able to tell me more later? It would mean a lot to me, to know more.”

“If I can.” He caught Susan's look. “I mean—yes. After the trial.”

“And now they're trying to find him guilty of crashing his ship into the other one, is that right?”

“It's not that simple—well, maybe it is, when you get right down to it. There're two easy goats. The captain, and Alan. I don't think either of them deserves the blame, but Packer was the commanding officer, and Al had the deck when
Kennedy
hit us.”

“Is there a lawyer? Someone to represent him?”

“I don't think so. Captain Packer's family has someone there. A Lieutenant Hauck. But he had to go through some kind of appointment process.”

“Then I want to ask your advice, as someone who knew and loved Alan.” In the candlelight her face shone like an icon. “Our society has a branch here in Washington. Perhaps they could arrange for someone to represent him. Do you think Alan ought to have someone there?”

He struggled briefly with an unwillingness to drag civilians into the struggle he saw shaping up. But the way Johnstone was hammering away, with only Hauck against him, seemed unfair. “That might not be a bad idea. If you really care—”

“Of course she cares,” said Susan hotly.

“I only meant—”

“I know what you meant,” said Deanne. “Thank you for your advice. I hope you are both happy, Dan and Susan, and find peace.”

When she had left he sat staring into his coffee. Then he looked at his watch, and shook a tablet out of the envelope. “That was funny, running into her.”

“Not that funny. There're only two hotels this close to the Pentagon.”

“But how did she know who we were?”

“That's not hard, either. There's nobody else here in uniform.”

“You're probably right. Dessert?”

“God, no. Maybe a glass of wine. A little one.”

“Is that okay for the—for the baby?”

“I gave up smoking for her. I'm not giving up my whole life.”

He shook his head when the waiter asked what he wanted. It didn't seem like a good idea to mix alcohol and pills.

“Well, I guess it's time to go up,” Susan said at last. He thought she didn't sound very eager.

*   *   *

IN the room, he drew the curtains, then shrugged slowly out of his service dress blouse. He hung it carefully on a chair, leaning against the wall for a moment, fighting vertigo. The wall itself seemed to tilt, as if the solid ground were rolling. She was in the bathroom, telling him about some friend of hers she'd had lunch with. “Moira Lieberman. Remember her? We were roommates. She was with me when I met you. At that dance, in Smoke Hall.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Don't say ‘Uh-huh.' Do you remember her or not?”

“The heavy girl, right? Long dark hair?”

“She's not heavy. Just solid. And it's short now. She's doing her master's in North American Prehistory with Robert Kelly. I wish they had something like that in Newport. But of course they don't.…”

He was only half-listening. The bed yielded softly, unlike a bunk. Despite the drug he was getting excited. “I thought you were in the program at Salve Regina.”

“That's an evening class, and it's not very good. I'm just going to get farther and farther behind.…”

She came out in a shapeless gray sweatshirt and pants. Beneath the Naval Academy crest her stomach thrust out at him, round as a mooring buoy. “I recognize those,” he said.

“They're the only things that fit me now. They keep me warm at night.”

“I can take over that job again.”

When he put his arm around her she stood still, letting him hug her. “Don't squeeze me too tight,” she muttered into his neck.

“Sorry.”

“Want to feel it?”

“What?”

“The baby, stupid. Put your hand here. Feel it? She's kicking.”

Beneath his hand he felt a faint movement, slow yet violent, somehow unsettling.

“How do you know it's a she?”

“Just a feeling. I talk to her sometimes. Sometimes she answers. That reminds me, we have to talk about names soon. We were going to, and then you—left us.”

He let her move his hand over her belly, intimidated at its taut convexity. It seemed unnaturally hard. He couldn't imagine how it must feel, having something growing inside you. Then pushing its way out.… He shuddered a little.

“Ow,” she said. “Right in my
bladder.
Ouch.”

He had to lie on his right side, or his back. When they were in bed he groped out for her. She was a foot distant, facing away. He rubbed her shoulder. She felt very warm. “Betts,” he whispered.

“What?”

“In your dad's car … I was remembering the time we made love. By the lake. Remember?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I know we can't do it the regular way. But do you think…?”

She rolled over. “I thought you were hurt.”

“That doesn't mean I don't want you.”

“And it doesn't mean I feel like it. I thought you'd be a little more considerate.”

“Well, I missed you. Can't you just use, you know, your hand?”

“You're burned. You need to rest.”

“Susan, what's wrong? You don't sound like you're glad I'm back at all.”

“Don't say that! Of course I'm glad. And I'm glad you made it off the ship, when so many people didn't.”

The words were right, but her tone didn't match them. He lay rigid, staring in the dim light at a vague hump that must be her shoulder. She'd turned away again, then. Was this what he'd waited for? Dreamed of? He said, trying not to get emotional, “You don't sound glad. You sound like you hate me.”

“I don't really feel like discussing it right now.”

He touched himself gingerly. Like an oak shovel handle. “Now's the only time we have. Didn't you miss me?”

“When did I have time? I had to get our furniture moved in, I had to make up all my lesson plans for school, I had night classes, I had to go to Lamaze.
Alone.
I didn't like being left alone, Dan. And you didn't do anything about your pay; I had to ask for an advance. That's not a good way to start off with the administration.”

“What about deployments? It'll be six months before we see each other then.”

“That's part of what's wrong, I guess. I didn't really understand that when I said I'd marry you.”

He felt cold. He listened to her breathing: regular, slow, immeasurably distant across ten thousand miles of empty bed. “I told you there'd be separations.”

“I guess it didn't register then.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing. I told you, I don't want to talk about it now. I've sort of tied myself in, anyway, with the baby.” The bed creaked reluctantly; her tone softened, her voice closer now. “I guess it's a lot of things. I'm glad you're here. Just not … it's complicated. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow. Will you be able to see me tomorrow? Should I keep the room?”

“I think so. The other guys are staying over at Fort—I forget the name; the army post behind the Pentagon. We'll be off every night of the court-martial—I mean, the court of inquiry.”

“What happens then? Will you go back to Newport?”

“I guess it depends on the verdict.”

“Well, maybe I'll feel different tomorrow,” she said again. He heard her yawn; her fingertips patted his cheek twice. “We both need sleep. Let's just give it a little time. Not rush it. Okay?”

He felt disappointed and angry. Still, he kissed her palm, telling himself, She's right; she's not in the mood; give it time. He was soft now anyway. “I love you, Babe.”

“Love you. G'night.”

But a little later, he found himself awake again. Something had just occurred to him. Floated up, from the place in his mind that kept on working, kept on thinking, whether he was aware of it or not; and let him know what it had concluded only when it was ready.

If Packer and Evlin were both defended successfully, there was only one officer left who'd been on
Ryan
's bridge the night of the collision. Only one man left to blame.

That one man was himself.

24

From Transcript of
Kennedy/Ryan
Court of In
Q
uiry: Day Two

THE Court met at 0912. Present: Vice Admiral Ausura, U.S. Navy, President; Rear Admiral Morehead, USN, member; Rear Admiral Dennison, USN, member.

Lieutenant Commander Stanley F. Johnstone, U.S. Naval Reserve, counsel for the Court.

Lieutenant Robert Hauck, USNR, representing Commander Packer.

MR. CHARLES BARRETT
: Sir, if it please the Court, I have been retained by the widow and friends of Lieutenant Alan Evlin as his counsel and request the rights of a party.

COUNSEL FOR THE COURT
: Mr. Barrett has appeared before military courts many times and is well known in Washington. He has been granted clearance up to the secret level.

THE COURT
: We regret the necessity for admitting additional individuals to this investigation. However, it is true that Lieutenant Evlin has the rights of a party. You are recognized as his counsel.

COUNSEL FOR LT EVLIN
: Thank you, sir.

COUNSEL FOR THE COURT
: This morning I will begin by recalling our primary witness of the events on
RYAN
's bridge just before the collision. He will provide us with a detailed reconstruction of the maneuvers leading to the incident. I would like to defer cross-examination until we have completed this reconstruction. Then I will turn him over to Lieutenant Hauck and Mr. Barrett.

At this time, the counsel for the Court recalled Ensign Daniel Lenson. He resumed his seat as a witness and was reminded that his oath was still binding.

*   *   *

HE sat in the same hard chair, in the same dull light. His body felt numb and bloated, as if it were made of plastic foam.

“You are the same Ensign Lenson, the senior surviving member of
Ryan
's bridge team, who previously presented a written narrative of events leading up to the collision between
Ryan
and
Kennedy?
”

He told Johnstone that he was.

“Do you feel up to testifying? It may become somewhat stressful.”

“I will cope with it to the best of my ability, sir.”

“Do you feel that your recollection as to these events is trustworthy?”

To hell with
you,
Dan thought. Aloud, he said carefully, “I believe so. I may be off by a minute or two, but I remember what happened.”

“Were any of the records such as the deck log or engineering bell book saved after the collision?”

He resigned himself to the grinding of Johnstone's mill. “No,” he muttered, settling himself for a long siege.

Q
. You know of no documentation whatsoever that was saved?

A
. No, sir.

Q
. Now, on the night you had watch, what was the command situation?

A
. We were under Captain Packer's command.

Q
. I mean external to the ship.