The Candy Man Cometh (7 page)
“But that was when you were a kid! You must be thirty years old now!” I was trying to delay him long enough to squirm out from the gum trap. I had freed enough of my foot that I was able to vibrate it at super speed. I could only hope it was enough to break myself free.
“Oh! Ssso what if it was twenty-four years, six months, fourteen days and...”—he looked at the candy watch on his wrist — “...five hours ago! Ssso what!” The Candy Man shouted back at me. “Ssso what if we’re all grown up and my therapist sssays I should be over it! I’ll bet
he
always knew how many licksss it took! I’ll bet you! I’ll bet the kids never pointed at him and said ‘the therapist doesn’t know how many licksss it takes to get to the center! The therapist doesn’t know! The therapist doesn’t know! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah-nyah! Nyah!’ ”
I’d seen a lot of things in my short life. I’d seen Pluto. I’d seen talking puppets. I’d seen other dimensions, and people with pumpkins for heads, and giant robots, and monster worms, and all kinds of nutty stuff. But I’d never seen a grown man jump up and down with fistfuls of gum and candy, and pout like a little boy who had his favorite toy taken away.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, you have to fight a nut with a rainbow of fruit flavors wearing a giant tooth on his head.
The Candy Man moved closer to me. “Perhaps I’ll just cover you in caramel and candy sprinkles and let you slowly dissolve.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of colorful birthday cake sprinkles.
This was my last chance. I had to break free or I’d be turned into one big, gross caramel blob. The Candy Man prepared to attack with his kaleidoscope of doom. I had to try something I’d never done before.
I vibrated my whole lower body as fast as I could. The gum began to stretch. I had to ignore the pain shooting up through both my legs. I had to ignore the crazy super villain that was about to cover me in caramel. I had to focus. I had to focus on escaping and then bringing an end to the sweetest threat the world has ever known. I mustered every last ounce of my powers. A loud, high-pitched vibration filled the air and rattled the windows. Not the windows in the Sidekick Super Clubhouse, because we didn’t have any. The windows down the street and stuff.
Earlobe Lad Doesn’t Want His French Fries
Earlobe Lad fell on the floor at the Burger Barn and desperately covered both his giant ears with his hands. He rolled under the table and curled into a ball as a high-pitched vibration sound filled the air and rattled the windows.
“Hey! Hey! Can I have your fries?” Boom Boy looked under the table and asked.
Earlobe Lad rocked back and forth. “Gugh!” he grunted, unable to overcome the incredibly loud noise that only he could hear.
Boom Boy shrugged his shoulders and grabbed the remaining fries that sat on the table. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ ”
Sugar Doesn’t Hurt People, PEOPLE Hurt People
A thick stream of caramel plopped onto the gum where I had been stuck. Unfortunately for The Candy Man, I was no longer there. My legs felt like they were going to fall off, but I had loosened enough of the gum that I was able to use my super speed and kick my way out like a fish-crazy dolphin chasing a juicy anchovy. Some of the gum still stuck to the bottom of my boots and the backs of my legs, slowing me down and making it hard to turn.
“Would you ssstop running around ssso I can dissolve you!?” The Candy Man yelled. “Really! What kid
doesn’t
love dessert?”
“Your candy-coated reign of terror is over, Candy Man! The only rainbow of flavors you’ll be tasting is liberty, justice, and honor!”
“That’s not a rainbow!”
“It is, but it’s just not very colorful to evil!” Without Super Vision Lad to worry about, I could use my super speed and hopefully make quick work of The Candy Man — unless he dissolved me first or the gum still stuck to my body interfered.
“And how, exactly, do you intend to stop me? Do you have a giant toothbrush I don’t know about? Or perhaps one of your powers is unlimited dental floss?” The Candy Man laughed.
That was it! I had to use his power against him! What’s the enemy of all candy? Children! If I could just get five hundred children to gnaw and...no... that wouldn’t work. Maybe ten dentists? No way! They’re even more evil than The Candy Man. If I brought ten of
them
together, who knows what chaos would be unleashed! I wasn’t willing to take on
that
horrible responsibility.
That was when I got an idea. It wasn’t just an idea, but easily the stupidest idea I had ever had — and that included the time I took Earlobe Lad to see the fireworks show.
Boy, that was a spectacle I’ll never forget. And I’m not talking about the fireworks.
I raced as fast as I could, zigging and zagging through The Candy Man’s cotton candy assault. That was when he whipped out the heavy artillery: S’MORES!
“When you sssat around the campfire as a child saying ‘Mommy! Mommy! Can we make more s’mores, please?’ I’ll bet you never dreamed of the day that s’mores would be your greatest enemy! Super S’mores Smother Attack!” The Candy Man cackled.
I have no idea what a Super S’mores Smother Attack is. And now that I think about it, I don’t even know what a
Regular
S’mores Smother Attack is, either.
In one hand, The Candy Man held peanut butter s’mores. In the other hand, the traditional chocolate s’mores treat loved by millions of Boy Scouts across the globe. I had to act fast. In mere moments I was about to face the most awesome onslaught of s’mores the world has ever known. I raced around The Candy Man at 41 miles per hour. Before he could turn to launch his chocolatey attack, I used my super speed and leaped into the air. He spun, but it was too late! At the last second, I rotated so my gum-covered legs and butt were facing him. I hit him in his giant tooth hat — and stuck.
The Candy Man staggered to the left. Then to the right. His legs wobbled. He had suddenly gained more than a hundred pounds directly on top of his head, and he just couldn’t carry my extra weight. He grunted, then tried to hit me with his double s’mores attack, but it was too late. The Candy Man toppled face-first to the floor of the Sidekick Super Clubhouse and fell atop the s’mores he held in each hand.
The s’mores he had meant for me.
“You put your chocolate in my peanut butter,” The Candy Man moaned, and then collapsed to the floor, unconscious.
I lay on my back, facing the ceiling, as if I were sitting in a chair, my butt firmly stuck with gum to the crown of The Candy Man’s tooth hat. My back was stuck to the floor as well, ensuring that even if The Candy Man awoke before the other sidekicks came back, he wasn’t going anywhere.
I tried to turn my head to face the door to Latchkey Kid’s room. “Uh...a little help here!” I called out.
“I Don’t Even Want to Know”
I had been adhered to the ground for about an hour before The Candy Man woke up. He was unable to move because he was stuck to the floor face-first. He shouted evil things that were luckily muffled by the ground. Both his arms were still pinned beneath him, so he couldn’t reach the strap to his tooth hat.
That was when Pumpkin Pete finally came into the Sidekick Super Clubhouse looking for Super Vision Lad so he could collect his thirty dollars.
There I was, my butt glued to a giant tooth, lying on my back and facing the ceiling. The Candy Man lay face-down, yelling obscenities into the floor, a splatter of chocolate and peanut butter on either side of him, and his legs kicking like a swimmer.
“I don’t even want to know,” Pete said and walked right back out the door.
Why I Hate Charisma Kid (a.k.a. Mandrake Steel)
“GUY! You’re late!” the coach yelled at me. “It’s the first game of the season and you can’t even show up on time?”
Not only was it the first game of the season, but it was against our biggest rival, the Cleveland Cavs.
“I’m sorry, coach! I would’ve been here on time, but I had to defeat The Candy Man and save the world from having their teeth rotted away from his cavity plan for world domination!”
Yeah, that’s what I
should’ve
said. What I
did
say was, “Sorry, coach! I forgot!”
Sometimes I really, really hate pledges of honor. Instead of telling him the truth and being a hero, I had to lie and get chewed out.
Wow. Now that I think about it, I’m probably the only kid in the world who could totally get out of trouble if he tells the truth, but has to tell a lie so he
can
get yelled at. Whose idea was that?
Probably evil’s. Or Pumpkin Pete’s.
Anyway, I’d been stuck to the ground for about two hours before the Sidekicks returned. Exact Change Kid got a wheelbarrow of mayonnaise and poured it all over us. He said that’s what his mother used to do when he got gum in his hair as a kid. I guess it worked okay. I just know it was gross.
I had raced to the game as fast as I could, and I did get there a few minutes before it started. The coach told me to suit up, but he was too angry to let me play. He yelled something about my having to learn responsibility and stuff.
What’s more responsible than saving the world from some nougat-throwing nut wearing a giant tooth on his head?
So there I was, dressed in my full football uniform and sitting on the bench like I still had some of The Candy Man’s gum stuck on my butt. I scanned the bleachers for my dad. He was near the front. My mom wasn’t there. I kind of “forgot” to mention it to her.
The funny thing was, my mom didn’t want me to play football. True, she was also worried when I became a sidekick, but when I told her I made the football team, she absolutely refused to sign the parent waiver.
“Those boys are just hooligans!” she had said, and handed back the form, unsigned.
“But Mom! I fight supervillains!” I argued. “That’s different. They’re evil,” she explained. “But they’re trying to kill me!”
“And don’t you think those football players won’t be happy if they make you sprain an ankle?” she countered.
How do you argue with
that
? I knew there was no way I could convince her. Once my mom made up her mind, that was that, and nothing,
nothing
could make her change it.