The Campbell Trilogy (40 page)

“Plenty.” His voice snapped like the crack of a whip. “Though right now I wish I didn’t.”

Her heart faltered and then started to pound furiously. Her gaze raked his face, searching for a crack in that implacable façade. “What are you saying?”

“Damn it, Caitrina, don’t you know how much I love you? So much that there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But I can’t change who I am.”

For a moment, she savored the overwhelming burst of joy.
He loves me.
The words she’d longed to hear.…

But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. When they confessed their love, it was supposed to be perfect—a moment of unparalleled closeness and intimacy—it wasn’t supposed to make her feel more uncertain. Nor was it supposed to be spoken in anger and frustration.

Instead, it felt like a final offer. Blinking back tears, she turned her head from his hold. “I wish I could believe that.”

“You can.” He lifted her chin gently, examining the bandaged area of her neck, assuring himself that it was not bleeding. “Don’t you know how I felt seeing you with a
blade at your neck? I’ve never been more terrified in my life. I could have lost you.”

“It’s nothing,” she dismissed. “No more than a scratch.”

His jaw hardened. “I never should have let you go, it was too dangerous.”

“I needed to be there. I needed to explain.”

“Your brothers will understand.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because I’m confident that it will all work out for the best.”

She lifted her chin. “I don’t share your confidence. It’s my brothers’ lives at stake.” Her voice thickened with emotion. “I just got them back. Please don’t take them from me again.”

“I’m not taking them from you,” he said with exaggerated patience, each word uttered with careful precision. It was clear he was near the edge, holding himself by a very thin thread. “I’m trying to protect them.”

“How?” she asked, incredulous. “By arresting them?”

“While they are in my custody, Colin can’t do anything to them. If I can clear their names, they’ll be out of his reach for good. Would you rather I waited until my cousin was forced to send his men after them? Your brother and his men are outlaws—they can’t stay here indefinitely. Eventually they will need to face what they’ve done.”

Caitrina felt as though she were beating her head against a rock. The law. Duty. It was always the same. “Is that all that matters to you? The law?” She held his gaze, knowing where his rigid adherence to law and order came from. “You are not your brother, Jamie. Don’t hurt mine to bury the memory of yours.”

He flinched at the reference to Duncan. His eyes flared and she wondered if she’d gone too far. “You know nothing of what happened with Duncan. This has nothing to do with my brother, only with yours. I thought you wanted Ascog restored to Niall.”

“I do.”

“The only way that can happen is with my cousin’s help.”

She didn’t want to hear justification—even if there might be an element of truth. “It’s too soon,” she said stubbornly.

His gaze bit into her. “I’m asking you to trust me.”

If only it were so simple. “I do. It’s your cousin I don’t trust. After what he did to you, I can’t believe you would trust him either. Dear God, what if you are wrong?”

“I’m not.”

She heard the unwavering confidence in his voice, but it wasn’t enough. “Well, it’s not a chance I’m willing to take.”

He stared at her with those slate blue eyes, hard and unyielding. “I’m afraid that it’s not your decision to make.”

Jamie knew his words were harsh, but she needed to understand. Caitrina was blind when it came to Argyll—understandable, perhaps, but if she was going to be married to him, she needed to accept his loyalty to his cousin. How could she claim to love and trust him and believe the man he gave his loyalty to a monster? He’d thought she’d started to believe in him.

Her accusation where his brother Duncan was concerned was misplaced, but it pricked nonetheless.

He had to get the hell out of here. No one could penetrate his defenses the way she could. Caitrina had an uncanny ability to make him feel raw, exposed. To make him lose control. She riled his anger with her accusations and persistent lack of faith. What more could he do to prove himself? He’d told her he loved her, yet it had barely seemed to penetrate.

He was confident that he was doing the right thing, though it didn’t make him deaf to her heartfelt pleas. He just didn’t know how else to explain.

“Please,” she said, her eyes soft and beseeching. “If you care for me at all, don’t do this.”

Jamie looked at her, feeling his insides twist. The urge to please her was nearly overwhelming. He ached to take her into his arms and love her until she smiled at him again, until her eyes softened with tenderness.

She leaned closer to him. The innocent brush of her breasts stirred his already burning hunger—his blood fired from their argument and from the fear of almost losing her in the cave. His need for her rushed over him like a firestorm, blasting him with liquid heat. He fought the urge to bring an end to their argument in the most basic way, because he knew it would not be resolved. But damn, he was tempted.

What was she trying to do to him? Was this what being in love was supposed to feel like? Was it supposed to make him feel out of control? Was it supposed to rip him apart, pulling him in two opposite directions? Was it supposed to make him want to tear his hair out in frustration? If it was, he didn’t need it.

“Care for you? Haven’t you been listening to anything I said? I love you. Do you think I want to hurt you?”

Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I don’t think you care who you hurt. Maybe they are right what they say about you, that you are a ruthless henchman without a heart.”

Her barb had struck flesh. He snapped. His carefully tethered anger whipped around like a banner in a storm. He pulled her to him, not quite sure what he meant to do. “After all these months … is that what you really think?”

She seemed to realize that she’d gone too far. “I don’t want to, but what else should I think when you won’t listen to reason?”

“I am listening, but my duties and responsibilities cannot be ignored.”

“What about your duty and responsibility to me? Do I not matter?”

Everything was still so damn simple with her—it had been that way from the first. She never probed below the surface. “Of course you do.” He released her and took a step back. This was getting nowhere. He wondered whether they would ever be able to breach the barrier between them. He wanted to think that love would be enough but had begun to fear that it wasn’t. “You said you didn’t want me to treat you like a child, Caitrina. You wanted to see the real world in all its vivid complexity, where decisions aren’t always so clear-cut and where loyalty can be divided. Well, this is it. I know you don’t understand right now, but I’m doing this for you.”

She shook her head, her chin quivering. “For me? You’re wrong if you are trying to convince yourself that you are doing this for anything other than yourself and your precious duty to your cousin. No wonder you have been so alone. Nothing can come between you. I’ll never understand how you can do this and claim to love me.”

He clenched his jaw, fighting to stay calm, but it was a lost battle. “One has nothing to do with the other.”

“Of course it does. You are choosing your duty to your cousin above your love for me.”

“Dear God, what do you want from me?” he asked roughly.

“All of you.” Her eyes locked on his. “What if I asked you to choose between us? Would you choose me, Jamie?”

He gave her a long, penetrating stare, furious with her game. “Aren’t you choosing your outlaw brother above me? What if I gave you the same choice: your brother or me?”

As he’d expected, his ultimatum was met with silence. It was an impossible choice for either of them. Life—and love—was not that simple.

And if she couldn’t understand that, to hell with it. He’d
hoped that it wouldn’t come to this. That she would not ask something of him that he could not give her. That she would love him enough to trust him to do what was right for her brothers. He was done asking for her to believe in him, and he wasn’t sure where that left them.

He felt stretched as taut as a bowstring, ready to fire. Not trusting himself to stay another minute longer, he said, “It seems, then, my lady wife, we are at an impasse.” After giving her one long glance, he turned on his heel and headed for the door.

Caitrina’s pulse raced with a sudden burst of panic. He was going to leave her. Desperation rose up inside her. She needed to do something to stop him.

“Jamie!”

He stopped before the door but did not turn around, his back stiff with resolve.

Feeling suddenly helpless, Caitrina twisted her hands in her skirts before she caught herself. She wasn’t helpless. She hadn’t survived the past few months to let everything fall apart now. She wouldn’t let it come to this. She didn’t want to lose Jamie any more than she wanted to lose her brothers. Surely they could find some common ground?

“Please,” she said. “Don’t go. Not like this.”

Slowly he turned around to face her. “I’m tired of fighting with you, Caitrina. Leave it be, before we both say something we wish we hadn’t.”

She walked toward him, coming to a stop only when she stood right before him—close enough to feel the heat blasting from him like a firestorm waiting to envelop her in his sensual hold. Her body crackled with awareness as it always did when she stood this close to him, craving the balm of his touch. She wanted to run her hands all over his broad chest, to feel the warm velvet of his skin over the hard, chiseled muscle.

He was imprinted on her mind and body, and every instinct clamored to reclaim the intimacy, to seek refuge in the deep connection that could not be denied.

“I don’t want to argue with you either.”
I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me everything is going to be all right.
She leaned closer to him, drowning her senses in his sultry masculine scent. Lifting up on her toes, she slid her arms around his neck. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

He stood stiffly before her, but she could feel his body react to her touch. Passion, restraint, and smoldering anger sizzled between them.

“It doesn’t?”

She shook her head. “I love you, and if you love me—”

“I do, God damn it,” he growled. “If only you knew how much.”

Every muscle in his powerful body tensed with restraint, and she could tell that he was holding himself by a very thin thread. His nostrils flared when her mouth moved to inches below his. She hated when he was like this: the cold, ruthless warrior. The man who didn’t need anyone.

She wanted him to need her as desperately as she needed him.

She wanted to slide her mouth along the hard flex of his stubbled jaw until it softened with desire. To drag her hand over the rigid bands of muscle on his stomach until she reached the thick column of his manhood and make him groan with need of her. Instead, she smoothed her hand over the soft wool of his
breacan feile
at his shoulder, noticing how the muted blues and grays of the plaid complemented his eyes. Her gaze was drawn once again to the Campbell chieftain pin he used to secure it—the boar’s head a sharp reminder of all that stood between them.

Why did it have to be so complicated?

Maybe it didn’t. Maybe in his arms everything would become clear—he would see that nothing should come between them. Maybe if he knew how much she loved him …

Sometimes words weren’t enough.

“Then show me,” she whispered. “Please.”

She melted against him, her breasts crushed to his chest,
and he groaned. His mouth sank over hers, and passion exploded between them as hot and swift as lightning. It had been too long. There was a desperate, raw urgency to their movements, as if they were both fighting to hold on to something that was in danger of slipping away.

She returned his kiss with equal fervor, opening to take him deep into her mouth. The warm, delicious taste of him drenched her with heat—and hunger. The anguish and anger of a few moments ago slid away as the hard pull of desire drove everything else from her mind.

His hand slid down her back and gently cupped her bottom, lifting her hard against him as he sank deeper and deeper in her mouth. Heat rushed between her legs as she felt the thick steely column wedged against her.

Her legs grew weak, and she clutched his shoulders, sensing the passion straining under her fingertips.

His kiss was wild as his hands possessed her. He cupped her breast, her nipple hardening against the warm pressure of his palm. His tongue plied hers, hard and demanding. She met him stroke for stroke, holding nothing back.

Her breathing came in uneven gasps as her need spiraled out of control. He moaned into her mouth with each hungry thrust of her tongue.

Lifting her leg around his waist, he nudged her more firmly against his erection. God, he felt so good. So hard and full. Heat pooled between her legs. She was throbbing where they touched. The pressure was almost too much to take. She wanted to rub up and down over him until the clawing need subsided.