The Bright Side (15 page)

I put the phone down on the counter and returned to the dining room, where we did a re-run of my previous entrance
.

“Are you okay?” Melissa asked again. “I’m fine.
”

“Do you want to talk about it?
”

I shrugged and sat down. “There’s not much to talk about. He’s sorry.
”

“I would think so,” Colm said, then tucked in his chin and sheepishly sat back. “Not my place to say, but ... you know.
”

“He’s still swearing it was just the once.
”

Melissa’s top lip twitched. “And do you believe him?
”

I shrugged. “I thought the whole wedding cancellation thing was bullshit. But it turns out he left me a message this morning. Telling me that he was on his way home. The groom’s mother died, so they called it off.
”

“Big deal,” Melissa said. “Still doesn’t mean it was a one- night stand. One-morning stand, whatever.
”

“I know,” I said. “I told him that.
”

“And –
and
– even if it was, what difference would that make?
”

“I know that, Melissa. I said as much to him myself.” “And?
”

“And nothing. He wants me to come home. That’s why he called.
”

“What did you say?” Colm asked
.

“I said no. Which doesn’t mean I’ll be under your feet for the next six months, don’t worry. Three at the most.
”

Colm’s eyebrows did a little dance. “Wow.” “Wow what?
”

“No, nothing, just … you’re holding up so well. Making little funnies and everything. I’d be a mess in your position.
”

Melissa gently slapped the table and said, “
Yes
.” I gave her a look
.

“You were doing it this afternoon too,” she said. “Cracking jokes about curtains and Posh Spice.
”

At least now I had an explanation for her earlier bout of face-pulling. “Maybe that’s just my way of coping,” I said
.

“Maybe,” she allowed. “But Jackie … you haven’t even cried.
”

She
meant
that
I
hadn’t
cried
since
arriving
in
her
house.
What
she
didn’t
know
and
what
I
had
just
realised
was
that
I
hadn’t
cried
at
all
.
I
searched
back
through
the
day,
looking
for
a
tearful
memory
that
I
knew
I
wouldn’t
find.
Nope.
Nothing.
“It’s
the
shock,”
I
said
weakly.
“That’s
what
it
is.
Shock.” Melissa
cocked
her
head
quickly
to
the
side,
a
gesture
that seemed
to
say,
That’s
one
possible
explanation,
sure,
but
it’s
not
the
right
one
.

“Tell me how you feel about it,” she said. “The whole thing.
”

I gawped at her. “Tell you how I feel about it? What kind of a question is that? I just caught my husband –
”

“Yes,
I
know
you
did.
But,
apart
from
the
jokes,
all
you’ve
had
to
say
about
it
is
that
your
neighbour’s
really
good- looking
and
so
is
Gerry.
”

My eyes narrowed. “What are you getting at?” “Never mind. Forget it. Tell me –
”

“No, go on. You might as well. You’ve come this far.
”

She sighed. “All right then. All right. It sounds to me like you think he’s got, I don’t know … an excuse. For doing what he did.
”

I
snorted.
“That’s
ridiculous.
What
do
you
mean,
an
excuse?”
“You’ve
always
had
an
inferiority
complex
about
him,
Jackie.
About
Gerry.
You
can’t
deny
it.
”

“I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
”

“You don’t think you deserve him. You’ve never thought you deserved him, right from the start. Do you know how many times you’ve told me about catching other women looking at him? Over the years? When you said it this afternoon, did you really think that was the first time?
”

“Women
do
look
at
him,”
I
fumed.
“All
the
time.” “You’re
doing
it
again!
Who
cares
how
many
women
look
at
him?
It
wouldn’t
make
any
difference
if
the
whole
country was
sending
him
their
underwear
in
the
post!
It
still
wouldn’t give
him
the
right
to
take
his
pick
from
the
neighbours,
now would
it?
”

I pushed my plate away from me, then pulled it back. “I don’t know what you want me to say.
”

“I’m just saying it’s not healthy, that’s all. It’s not healthy to think your husband’s bound to land on someone else sooner or later, that it’s inevitable. You know how you look, how you sound?
Relieved
.
”

My heart almost stopped. “Listen,” I said through my teeth, “I’ve never been in this position before. I don’t know how I’m supposed to behave, I don’t know what I should be doing to satisfy everybody’s
expectations
. But I’m plenty upset, believe me.
”

“Of course you are,” Colm said with a sideways look at his wife. “No one’s saying otherwise.
”

But Melissa didn’t give up so easily. “Colm, how many times have you heard Jackie going on about how other women give Gerry the eye?
”

“You’re like a dog with a bone!” I said. “Let it go, for God’s sake!
”

Melissa said, “Let him answer.
”

Colm looked deeply uncomfortable, like a child who’d been called upon to rat out his friend. “Well, Jackie … I have heard you saying that quite a few times. It’s –
”

“There you go,” Melissa interrupted. I glared at her. “There I go what?
”

“You know what. You’re not reacting properly –” “
Properly
! My God!
”

“– because you’ve got this inferiority complex. When it comes to Gerry. We’ve discussed it before, haven’t we, Colm?
”

It was probably my imagination but I thought I saw beads of sweat appearing on his forehead, just like that
.

“I, eh … yes,” he said. “I suppose so. It has come up once or twice.
”

I
shook
my
head.
“And
what?
You
were
waiting
for
the right
opportunity
to
come
along
so
you
could
tell
me
what
you
think?
Then
it’s
not
all
bad
news
today.
At
least
you
got to
tell
me
where
I’ve
been
going
wrong
my
whole
life. Brilliant.
”

“Come on, Jackie,” Melissa said, as if I was the one being unreasonable, “don’t be like that. You’re a good-looking woman. You always were and you still are.
”

“Gee, thanks. What’s next? ‘There’s plenty more fish in the sea’?
”

“That’s not what I mean. You have no reason to feel inferior, that’s what I’m getting at. Tell her, Colm.
”

He moved his lips but seemed to have lost the power of speech
.

“Go on,” I said. “You might as well join in.
”

“Maybe ‘inferiority complex’ is the wrong term,” he said tentatively. “But I can see how, maybe, in the past, you might have felt some, I don’t know … Look, I’m no expert –
”

“Oh, spit it out, Colm! Jesus!
”

He cleared his throat. “I can see how you, possibly, along the way, might have felt some … guilt. Maybe that’s what’s going on here.
”

My
limbs
took
off
in
four
different
directions.
“
What
?” Ignoring
me,
Melissa
patted
Colm
on
the
arm
and
said,
“Yes,
but
the
guilt
is
what’s
causing
the
inferiority
complex. The
two
go
hand
in
hand.
”

“What are you
talking
about?” I screeched
.

Colm’s head swayed from side to side. “Maybe ‘guilt’ is the wrong term –
”

“Look,” I said. “Pick a term, any bloody term, and just tell me what the hell you’re getting at!
”

“All right. When you met Gerry, from what Melissa tells me, he was considered quite the catch. He’s still a seriously good-looking man – I mean, you’re a good-looking woman, Melissa’s right. And I’m sure you were lovely back then, don’t get me wrong.
”

My eyes narrowed. “Just say whatever it is that you’re going to say.
”

“Well … you got pregnant very quickly after you started going out.
”

“And?
”

“Is it possible that maybe you felt … somehow …
”

Melissa stepped in, her patience suddenly gone. “That you’d trapped him.
”

I’d thought the inferiority theory had been bad enough. This was something else. “That
I’d
trapped
him
?” I said. “I didn’t get pregnant on my own, you know!
”

“Of course not!” she said, all energy now, as if we were finally getting somewhere. “We’re not saying that you did trap him, we’re saying that may have been the way you felt. Maybe that’s still the way you feel. Which is why you’re not particularly bothered that he’s screwing around. You don’t think you have the right to be.
”