The Boy Next Door (20 page)

To: Mel Fuller

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: Snap out of it

A little while ago, you were happier than I’d ever seen you. Now you’re plunged into despair just because I happened to mention the “L” word?

Well, I could bite off my tongue. Don’t worry about it, Mel. The guy is obviously crazy about you. I mean, especially if he was willing to spend twenty-four hours in bed with you. I mean, my God, Tony’s never done that.

Then again, I’m always making him get up and cook for me.

Don’t worry, he’ll call.

Nad

To: Mel Fuller

From: Dolly Vargas

Subject: I hope you don’t think I’m butting in

on your personal business, but I do feel that you should meet me in the ladies’ in about five minutes. I’ve got just the thing for that nasty case of beard-burn you seem to have acquired all over the lower half of your face since I last saw you.

Seriously, darling, it looks as if you were licked on the chin by the one hundred and one dalmatians. I can’t believe you didn’t at least try a little foundation.

Not to worry. A little Clinique, and you’ll be on your way.

And while I’m applying it, you’ll tell me all about it, won’t you?

XXXOOO

Dolly

To: Dolly Vargas

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: Yes, I do think you’re butting in

and if you think I’m telling you anything, you’re nuts.

Thanks for the offer of your Clinique, but I will wear my beard-burn proudly, as a badge of honor.

And stop flicking paper clips at me over the top of your cubicle. I know it’s you, Dolly, and I know what you want, and I am not getting up.

Mel

To: Mel Fuller

From: Tim Grabowski

Subject: You naughty girl

Little Miss Mel, what have you been up to?

Wait. Don’t answer that. I could tell the moment I caught a glimpse of your little face, shining like a lighthouse beacon. (You really must get him to shave more often if the two of you are going to be sucking face on a regular basis. You are a classic redhead, with the very delicate skin to go with it. You must remind him of this from time to time, or you’re going to walk around looking like you fell asleep with your chin under a heat lamp.)

And when I saw that simply stunning arrangement of bloodred roses that just got delivered to you, well, I knew:

Our Miss Mel has been very wicked indeed.

What did you do to deserve that enormous floral tribute? I imagine it was quite out of character for you.

Congratulations.

Tim

To: Mel Fuller

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: See?

I told you he’d call. Only he did better than calling. That’s the biggest bouquet of roses I’ve ever seen.

So, what does the card say?

Nad

To: Nadine Wilcock

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: OH, MY GOD

HE LOVES ME!!!

The card says:

But to see her was to love her,

Love but her, and love forever

John

Did he make that up? It means me, right? Don’t you think? The “her” is me?

Oh, my God, I’m so excited. Nobody’s ever sent me flowers at work before, let alone with a card that mentions the “L” word!!!

Mel

To: Mel Fuller

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: My God,

it doesn’t take much to make you happy, does it? Of course the “her” in the poem is you. Who do you think he’s talking about? His mother???

And no, Max Friedlander did not make it up. Robert Burns did. How did you ever graduate from college? You really do know next to nothing.

Wait, I take that back. You know everything about Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and that new one, what’s his name? Oh, yeah, Hugh Jackman.

Don’t just sit there grinning like an idiot. Write him back, for God’s sake.

Nad

To: [email protected]

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: You shouldn’t have

sent all those roses. I mean, really, John, you’ve got to think about your credit situation. But they’re so beautiful, I can’t even get mad
at you for being such a spendthrift. I just love them—and the quote, too. I’m not very good at things like that. Quotes, I mean. But I think I have one in return:

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.

Good one, right? That’s from
Emma
.

What are you doing tonight? I was thinking about buying some fresh pasta and making pesto. Want to come over around sevenish?

Love,

Mel

To: Mel Fuller

From: [email protected]

Subject: How about this one?

I love you

Han Solo,
Return of the Jedi

John

To: [email protected]

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: How about this one?

I know

Princess Leia,
Return of the Jedi

Mel

To: Tony Salerno

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: Mel

Well, she turned up. And you were right:

He didn’t sell her into white slavery.

But he did the next worse thing, if you ask me. He made her fall in love with him.

What’s wrong with me, Tony? I mean, I’ve never seen her this happy and excited. Not even the day that rumor went around about Prince William and Britney Spears. This is nothing compared to that. That day, she was giddy. Now, she’s ecstatic.

And yet I can’t help feeling like it’s all going to come crashing down in some horrible way.

Why? Why do I feel this way? He’s a nice guy, right? I mean, you met him. Didn’t he seem nice to you?

I think that’s the problem. He seems so nice, so
normal
, that I still haven’t been able to reconcile this guy, this “John,” with the Max Friedlander we heard so much about, the one with the ice-cubed nipples and all those supermodels in his pocket.

I just don’t understand what a guy who could have a supermodel would want with Mel. I know it sounds horrible, but think about it. I mean, we know Mel’s cute and quirky and lovable, but would a guy who’d been hanging around supermodels be able to see that? Don’t guys hang around supermodels for one reason? You know, for the arm candy?

Why would a guy who’s been eating nothing but dessert for the past few years suddenly opt for meat and potatoes?

Am I the worst best friend who ever lived, or what?

Nad

To: Nadine Wilcock

From: Tony Salerno

Subject: Are you the worst best friend who ever lived?

Yes. I’m sorry, but yes.

Look, Nadine, you know what your problem is? You hate men.

Oh, you like me. But let’s face it, in general, you don’t like men, or trust them. You think all we do is troll around for models. You think we’re so stupid, we can’t see past a girl’s face or chest or hips.

Well, you’re wrong.

Look, despite your assertion, supermodels aren’t dessert. They’re people, just like you and me. There are some nice ones and some mean ones, some smart ones and some stupid ones. I would say a guy who is a photographer probably meets a lot of supermodels, and maybe he meets a few he likes, and they go out a few times, or whatever.

Does that mean that if he happens to meet a nonsupermodel who he likes, he can’t go out with her, too? Do you think he is sitting around, constantly comparing her to the supermodels he’s known?

No. And I’m sure Max Friedlander isn’t doing that with Mel.

So give the guy a break. I’m sure he genuinely likes her. Hell, he might even genuinely love her. Did you ever think of that?

So, chill.

Tony

To: John Trent

From: Jason Trent

Subject: Now you’ve done it.

You’ve really done it.

What are you thinking? I’m serious. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? What is going through that idiotic brain of yours? SHE THINKS YOU’RE SOMEONE ELSE. She thinks you’re someone else, and now you’re SLEEPING with her?

My wife put you up to this, didn’t she? You are taking advice from my wife. A woman who, I think you should know, ate an entire cherry cobbler—twelve servings—last night. For dinner. And growled at me when I tried to take the spatula away from her.

You know this is going to blow up in your face. YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE. If you care about this girl, tell her who you really are. TELL HER NOW.

You’re lucky Mim doesn’t know about this, or I swear, she’d disinherit you.

Jason

To: Jason Trent

From: [email protected]

Subject: My life

Remember what I started to say about how just because Dad is in jail doesn’t give you the right to act like my father? Well, I really mean it. It’s my life, Jason, and I’d thank you to stay out of it.

Besides, you’re acting like I don’t know I’ve screwed up. I have. I know I have. AND I’M GOING TO TELL HER. I just haven’t found the right time yet. Just as soon as I do, I’m going to tell her. Everything.

Then we’ll all have a nice long laugh at this over burgers at your place, by the pool. You don’t know her, but believe me, Mel has a great sense of humor, and a very warm and forgiving nature. I’m sure she’ll think the whole thing is funny.

Do you think anybody’s using the cabin in Vermont? Because I’m thinking that might be the perfect place to tell her. You know, drive up for the weekend and tell her in front of a nice romantic fire, over a couple of glasses of wine…

What do you think?

John

To: [email protected]

From: Jason Trent

Subject: What do
I
think?

Oh, you want my advice? You want me to stop acting like your father, but you want my advice,
and
you want to borrow my ski cabin?

You’ve got some nerve. That’s all I have to say.

Jason

To: Mel Fuller

From: George Sanchez

Subject: Just where do you think you’re going?

Don’t give me that innocent look over the cubicle wall. Yes, you. What, you think I didn’t notice all the lipstick and finger-combing? You think you’re getting out of here, don’t you?

Well, you’re living in a fantasy world. You’re not getting out of here until I see the copy on the latest Drew Barrymore breakup.

Got it???

George

To: [email protected]

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: Dinner

Hi, John. I’m afraid I’m not going to get out of here as early as I thought. Can we scoot dinner up to nineish?

Love,

Mel

To: Sergeant Paul Reese

From: John Trent

Subject: Touching base

Paul—

Just a note to see if you’ve come up with anything on the Friedlander case. I’ve been a bit preoccupied lately, so I haven’t called, but I got a little time on my hands, so I was wondering if you’ve got anything new.

You know, the other night when I came into the building, the doorman wasn’t there. When I looked around, I found him and the rest of the building staff in the super’s apartment watching the game.

Understandable, of course, being the playoffs and all, but it got me thinking: Was there a game the night Mrs. Friedlander got assaulted?

I did a little researching, and discovered that there was—at around the time the doctors say she was most probably struck.

I know it’s not much, but at least it explains how someone could have gotten into the building without being seen.

Let me know if you guys have any new information.

John

To: John Trent

From: Sergeant Paul Reese

Subject: Shame on you

You’re taking an awfully keen interest in the events surrounding this old lady’s assault. Any particular reason?

And what do you mean, you were “in the building” the other night? Does this have something to do with that old woman’s pretty next-door neighbor? It better not. The DA does not take kindly to you all messing around with our cases, as I think you will recall from the last one you amateur-sleuthed your way through.

Though since that did result in a successful conviction, they might go easy on you….

In answer to your question, no, we don’t have anything new on the Friedlander case. We do, however, have a suspect in the transvestite killer case. Bet you didn’t know that, huh? Because we’re keeping it under wraps, and trust you will do the same. I know they say you can’t trust a reporter, but I’ve found you to be less unreliable than most.

Anyway, here’s the 411:

Kid’s found unconscious in his bathroom. I won’t go into details about why he was unconscious. I’ll let your lurid imagination figure it out. Let me just say that it involved a pair of pantyhose and a hook on the back of his bathroom door. And from what he was wearing, which was a number of ladies’ undergarments, I do not think suicide was on his mind—although Mom and Dad choose to think so.

Anyway, the EMS guys take in the fancy duds and note that some of them fit the description of clothing missing from one or two of the homes of victims of the transvestite killer.

Not much, I know, but it’s all we’ve got right now.

So why, you might ask, haven’t we hauled the kid in for questioning? Because he’s still in the hospital from his little bathroom escapade, on “suicide watch.”

But as soon as that bruised larynx of his is healed enough for him to talk, the kid’s coming down to the station, and if we can get him to chat, we’ll find out if your old lady was one of his more fortunate victims.

Now how’s that for some detective work?

Paul