The Bootlegger Blues (4 page)

ANDREW:

To find all those damn signs before the real cops find them.

The phone rings and David answers it.

DAVID:

Hello. (
Pause
) No, she's not here, can I take a message? (
Pause
) Pardon. (
Pause
) I don't quite understand. Are you sure you don't want Citizenship Canada, if you want to know about Canadians? (
Pause
) Oh, you want to buy some Canadian. I suppose I can take an order. Okay, I'll tell her.

Noble stumbles out. He's got a wet towel wrapped around his head.

NOBLE:

Eggs?

David hangs up and looks at the message.

DAVID:

This can't be happening.

Noble sneaks a peek through his towel at Marianne.

NOBLE:

Who are you? (
He remembers
) Oh yeah. (
Looks at David
) Hey, recall! Sorry about your car, man. No hard feelings.

MARIANNE:

What about our car?

DAVID:

You'll burn the eggs.

NOBLE:

You should have seen it. Man oh man! Most amazing thing I have ever seen, and I've seen a few. That Passat car of yours sailed out a good 40 feet or so.

MARIANNE:

The Passat! You crashed our Passat?!

NOBLE:

The water sort of cushioned the landing.

MARIANNE:

Water?!

NOBLE:

What was the name of that place again?

DAVID:

Mud Lake.

MARIANNE:

DAVID:

Not any more.

MARIANNE:

We haven't finished paying for it yet, David!

DAVID:

We went and called a tow truck immediately.

The telephone rings.

DAVID:

I'll get that.

David answers the phone, and writes down a beer order as the dialogue continues.

NOBLE:

You shoulda been there, man. Electrical system is shot all to hell and gone. Baby! The way all the lights went off and on under the water. Actually it was kind of pretty. Blink blink. Blink blink. Blink blink.

MARIANNE:

Blink, blink?!

NOBLE:

And there was old David, bobbing to the surface.

David hangs up the phone.

MARIANNE:

David, tell me no one saw you. David!

NOBLE:

Are you kidding? When everybody heard about it we just shifted the party to the lake. One of the best, Dave, one of the best. But we ran out of beer and that's how I got here. Some old gal named Marjorie sent me up here looking for more.

MARIANNE:

How, in God's name, did all this start?

NOBLE:

Well, sweetheart, we was having a drag race and lover boy there forgot to hit the brakes.

MARIANNE:

(
To David
) You idiot! David, you?

DAVID:

MARIANNE:

David …

DAVID:

And that's not the worst of it. My briefcase with all my papers in it for this week's council meeting … is now swimming upstream.

MARIANNE:

Talk about polluting the water. On second thought, just don't bother talking to me at all. Ever again.

NOBLE:

Excuse me, the food. Got any toast?

The phone rings, David quickly answers and begins taking a message. Marianne starts cooking again.

DAVID:

Hello. (
Pause
) Oh hi, Aunt Vanessa, Martha's not here right now. (Pause) A case? But you don't drink. (
Pause
) Aunt Vanessa, I know Erica's getting married next week, but when they say "something borrowed, something blue;' I don't think they meant a case of Blue Light. (
Pause
) Fine, Aunt Vanessa. Goodbye.

MARIANNE:

Eggs.

DAVID:

Not that greasy stuff.

Noble grabs David's plate and lets David's eggs fall onto his plate. Martha walks in the door with a very satisfied smile on her face. She stops and looks at the wet floor.

MARTHA:

Who's been mopping? (
Looks at Noble
) I see you've decided to join the living.

Noble says something but is unintelligible because his mouth is full of food.

MARTHA:

I've got signs and flyers all across the village. They always say it pays to advertise. Look at this. (
Holds up some paper
) Thirty-five orders in the last half-hour. A miracle. I'm thinking of putting something out in the church bulletin.

The phone rings again. Martha, excited, goes to answer it.

MARTHA:

My first call!

DAVID:

Actually …

MARTHA:

(
On the phone
) Ahneen, Lester. (
Pause
) No. (
Pause
) No! I will not sell you any beer, Lester. You're my brother and one of my rules is I refuse to sell to any of my brothers. (
Pause
) Eddie don't count, with a wife like that, he needs a beer. (
Pause
) I know. (
Pause
) I know. (
Pause
) I know, Lester. (
Pause
) No. (
She hangs up
) I swear that man would try to sweet-talk the devil out of his pitchfork.

NOBLE:

You've got beer here?

DAVID:

Martha! What has gone wrong with you? You're 58 years old.

MARTHA:

I'm 58 years young!

DAVID:

You're almost a senior citizen.

MARTHA:

Prove it.

DAVID:

You belong with the Church Recreation Committee. You're supposed to knit and make soup. Not bootleg!

MARTHA:

David? You're soggy.

NOBLE:

Excuse me. The beer. How much?

DAVID:

(
Still pushing
) Martha, the police …

MARTHA:

… won't bother me. They're such wonderful boys. Did you know I used to babysit one of them years ago? Used to be kind of sweet on Marianne till she handcuffed him to a cow.

DAVID:

But Martha, you can't just … (
Turns to Marianne
) You handcuffed a cop to a cow? (
She shrugs, his attention turns back to Martha
) They're not just going to turn the other way.

NOBLE:

Do you take checks?

The phone rings again and Martha gets it.

MARTHA:

(
Answering
) Ahneen. (
Pause
) Scarecrow Jones, how long has it been? (
Pause
) That long, huh? (
Pause
) Off on good behavior. I'm so happy for you. What can I do for you? (
Pause
) Only one case, Scarecrow, that doesn't sound like you. (
Pause
) I see, you're getting off the road but not quite on the wagon. I'll see what I can do.

She hangs up the phone and David is stunned.

DAVID:

You're bootlegging to ex-cons?!

MARTHA:

Oh, Scarecrow's a nice ex-con. It wasn't his fault he went to jail. The courts overreacted.

DAVID:

What did he do?

MARTHA:

One night he went to the zoo and let some of the animals out.

DAVID:

That doesn't sound so bad.

MARTHA:

Of course he shot three of them, took them home, and ate them.

DAVID:

I don't believe this.

MARTHA:

That's what gave him the idea to open the restaurant.

NOBLE:

Goddamn it, I said I'll buy some beer.

Martha gives Noble a good swat to the head.

MARTHA:

(
To David
) It's nice to see you and Marianne together again.

DAVID:

I wouldn't be too sure about that. Your daughter seems to have some other ideas.

MARIANNE:

Like maybe I want to see the world before I see 40.

MARTHA:

I'm about to see 60 and I know the world is in here, (
Pats her heart
) not out there.

The phone rings again and Martha eagerly answers it.

MARTHA:

Ahneen. (
Her voice becomes tight
) Well hello there, Marjorie. How nice of you to call. What can I do for you?

DAVID:

I can't believe you're serious about leaving me for that.

Noble burps.

MARTHA:

No, I've given up bingo. I haven't got the time since you saddled me up with 143 cases of beer. It seems like I've devoted my life to looking after those beer. Pretty soon I'll be giving them names. (
Pause
) No Marjorie, I will not listen to any more of your foolish fund-raising ideas. (
Pause
) A what? For god's sake woman, nobody in this village would pay good money to see your son as the first Indian Elvis impersonator. Now are you gonna order something or not? (
Pause
) Fine. Thanks for supporting the church, Marjorie.

She hangs up the phone angrily.

MARTHA:

That woman is more bother than she's worth. Marianne, are you and David staying for dinner?

MARIANNE:

Um …

MARTHA:

We're having pot roast tonight with garden fresh beans from our garden. Marianne honey, will you go pick some beans for dinner?

MARIANNE:

This one last time, Mother.

David watches her exit until Martha gives him a shove.

MARTHA:

Don't just stand there, go talk to her. Why do you think I sent her out there?

DAVID:

For beans?

MARTHA:

I hate beans.

DAVID:

Ohhhh!

David exits.

MARTHA:

In my day, relationships were held together with twine and bailing wire, today it's scotch tape and staples.

Martha turns to Noble.

MARTHA:

What's your name again, boy?

NOBLE:

Noble.

MARTHA:

And what do you do?

NOBLE:

Depends what I can get away with. I'm kidding. I'm a dancer during the summer, and I do all sorts of odd jobs in the winter.

MARTHA:

That's it?

NOBLE:

That's enough. I have a good time, make a living. Someday I'll be rich though, I saw it in a dream.

MARTHA:

Oh yeah, how?

NOBLE:

Don't know. The truck hit a bump and I woke up.

Again Martha doesn't laugh. Noble isn't charming her as he expected to.

MARTHA:

Do you go to church?

NOBLE:

My parents used to take me as a kid but it wasn't for me. All that standing, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting, kneeling. Made me feel like a little brown yoyo.

MARTHA:

You should go back to church.

NOBLE:

I like to think that I do in a way. That's why I go to powwows. It's a chance to sleep under the stars, the light bulbs of Heaven, on the grass, listen to the trees and the insects. To me, that's the voice of the Creator. I'd rather hear the voice myself than go through a middle man.

MARTHA:

Yet you drink.

NOBLE:

You smoke. So we're both a little naughty. Who isn't?

Martha studies him for a while, sizing him up. The next interchange is in Ojibway.

MARTHA:

Kiinwaa wezhkiniigjig noogom. [You young people of today.]

NOBLE:

Wagnen niinwind? [What about us?]

MARTHA:

Gdoo-nisitaw? Gdi-nishnaabem. [You understand me? You speak Indian.]

NOBLE:

Nagitsiimag ngii-kinoomaagoog. Pii-windendsigwaa namewgamig. [I learned it from my parents when they weren't in church.]

Martha smiles at Noble for the first time. They go back to English.

MARTHA:

You want to stay for dinner?

NOBLE:

That depends.

MARTHA:

On what?

NOBLE:

Who has to say grace?

Martha actually laughs and Noble smiles too. The phone rings as Andrew and Angie enter carrying painted signs and paper notices.

MARTHA:

My signs, Blue!

NOBLE:

Far out, you named him after a beer. I had a cousin named after a beer. Boy, I haven't seen O.V. in years. I'll get the phone. (
He picks up the receiver
) And a howdy doody morning to you. Come to Martha's first if you have a thirst.

ANGIE:

Where would you like these?

MARTHA:

Back on the trees. I spent all morning putting those signs up. Why did you take them down?

ANDREW:

Mother, there is an art to bootlegging. You don't just paint a four foot by four foot sign in big red letters saying "BEER FOR SALE: SEE MARTHA" and ram it into the ground beside the police station. I just spent the last 15 minutes convincing Constable Gale that I was in the process of having you committed. He sends his sympathies.

Noble puts the phone down and starts fiddling with a nearby guitar.

MARTHA:

What's wrong with what I'm doing?

ANDREW:

Will someone talk sense to the woman!

MARTHA:

I'll have you know, young man, I was talking sense long before you were born.

ANDREW:

Mom, please! My buddies are leaning out of windows throwing orders for cases at me. It's … humiliating!

MARTHA:

You picked up more orders?

ANDREW:

What you're doing is immoral. You're contributing to the drinking problem in our village. Angie, say something.

ANGIE:

I don't think it's that immoral. She's not selling to anybody under 19, or anybody with children to feed. It says so on the signs. She's not encouraging people to drink, in fact the price of bootleg beer is enough to stop them from drinking. She's just selling it to people who would have bought it anyways. And since she delivers, nobody will be drinking and driving. And I can think of worse places for the money to go than the church. So what's wrong with that?

MARTHA:

Thank you.

ANDREW:

Whose side are you on?

ANGIE:

Sorry.

She goes into the living room where Noble is strumming a guitar.

ANDREW:

The bottom line is this is illegal, pure and simple. You do this, you're breaking the law.