Authors: Neil Pasricha

The Book of Awesome (9 page)

BOOK: The Book of Awesome

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When you finally find your keys after looking forever, you hear the audience hooting and hollering as the curtain closes on this perfect little scene of

AWESOME!

Eating the extra fries at the bottom of the bag

Hey, eating in the car is tough.

Weaving that
bulky clunk of metal
through highway traffic, off off-ramps, and into parallel parking spots is no small feat. And you know what makes it worse? Having a
hot, crumpled bag
of steamy drive-thru riding shotgun, that’s what.

Yes, resisting the temptation is tough, but then again unwrapping a
sloppy mustard-dripping burger
over the steering wheel probably isn’t good for anybody. So there’s really only one option to satisfy your urges to both
eat and live
.

That’s right: Dip your hand in the crinkly paper well and squeeze between cool packets of ketchup, big wads of napkins, and waxy-wrapped burgers until you find that treasure trove of fries at the bottom of the bag. It’s like panning for gold and is known as the
Pre-Lunch Munch
in some circles.

Also, we can’t forget the
Classic Afterburn
move. Yes, bag fries star again, but this time they’re the limp n’ salty chasers after your last slurp of bland watered-down cola. Yes, we both know you’ve got to finish that off with a
flavor-saving punch
, and bonus fries will do the job just fine.

So dig that hand in deep and pull out a nice little bite of

AWESOME!

The feeling of scrunching sand in your feet

Free your feet.

When you kick off your tight, suffocating shoes, peel off your
sweaty socks
, and just starting walking on the beach in bare feet, how good does that feel?

Man, it’s a million molecules of Earthbeads massaging your foot all at once. It’s a tickly, grippy sand sensation. It’s big piles of small cubes hugging and comforting your tired and
broken soles.

And yeah, sure, the sand wedges itself up into your toe-nails and coats the bottom of your feet like butter on toast. But whatever, because the feeling of scrunching sand in your feet when you walk on the beach is certifiably

AWESOME!

Scraping all the lint off an overflowing lint trap

There’s something therapeutic about finger-peeling that
dark-gray-with-red-flecks
fuzz patch off the trap, rolling it into a ball, and tossing it in the trash. Yes, after you ditch that
hot, furry blanket
, both you and your dryer can finally breathe again.

AWESOME!

The thank-you wave when you let somebody merge in front of you

Cruising with our music cranked and our cell phones ringing, we sometimes find it hard to communicate with other drivers sharing the roads. When speeds are high and time’s a’ticking, we rely on silent gestures to get our points across.

Now, we all know the Thank-You Wave when you let someone merge in front of you is a great move. It’s
highway payment
for arriving at your destination
one car length later
whenever you let someone in.

But it doesn’t end there.

Sure, courtesy-wave etiquette may have started with the post-merge Thank-You Wave, but the magic has spread:

1.
The Red Light Squeeze Wave.
You pull up to a red light and the guy in front of you squeezes into the intersection a bit so you can make your right turn faster. As you pull up and make your move, it’s time to thank that special someone for shaving twenty seconds off your commute.

2.
The Pre-Wave.
As in I’m thanking you because the front tip of my Honda Civic is pointed into your traffic-jammed lane and I know you see me so just let me in. Sure, you can try to avoid eye contact, but I’m determined to Pre-Wave you to build up some goodwill.

3.
The Apology Wave.
Don’t be fooled: Even though it looks similar to the thank-you wave, the apology wave is typically accompanied by a big grimace instead of an eyebrow raise. Next time you side-swipe a van of teenagers and send them skidding off the highway into a roadside ditch, be sure to offer a
heartfelt
apology wave.

4.
The Go-Ahead Wave.
You roll up to a four-way stop at the same time as another car and decide to let them turn first. Maybe they’re a sweet old lady barely peeking over the wheel or maybe you just want to avoid The World’s Slowest Car Accident. Either way, you give them the pleasant, open-palmed Go-Ahead Wave, which is sort of how the ladies on
The Price Is Right
unveil a new washer and dryer set.

Proper courtesy-wave etiquette keeps two-way talking alive on our streets and prevents chaos from ruling the laneways. So when you do something generous keep watch for a wave, and when someone helps you out be sure to smile and wave right back.

AWESOME!

When you’re really tired and about to fall asleep and someone throws a blanket on you

Hey, you know what’s even better than taking a nap on the couch? Well, I’ll tell you: that feeling you get
just before
you fall asleep on the couch.

Yes, that’s when you enter that blissful, semiconscious
Pre-Nap World
where your thoughts float and zoom around your brain and your muscles relax and detensify. The sun feels warm on your face, the radio in the background fades to a comforting white noise, and you know . . . you just know . . . that you’re about to fall asleep.

It feels great.

There are really only two things that can disturb you when you’re in the Pre-Nap World:

1.
Feeling like you have to go to the bathroom.
Sorry, but unless you trust your bladder to balloon without bursting, you might just have to get up for this one. Nobody can really help you go to the bathroom while you’re lying on the couch, unless they really, really love you.

2.
Feeling cold.
You get those ol’ lying-on-the-couch shivers. You know your sheets and blankets are back on your bed, and you could just get up to get them, but you don’t really want to move because then you’ll leave the blissful Pre-Nap World. And it’s a nice world. It’s a world you don’t leave lightly.

So that’s why it’s great whenever someone notices your dilemma and just quietly grabs a blanket from the closet and tosses it on your semiconscious self. If they’re really nice, they even
flap the blanket above you
and let it open up and softly land on you.

When that happens, you immediately feel the warmth radiating around you, a tiny smile curls itself on the corners of your lips, and you fall deeper and deeper into a nice, relaxing rest.

AWESOME!

Getting your ID checked when you’re way over the legal age

Hey, sometimes you’re in the mood for a few drinks.

Big bottle of merlot over a romantic spaghetti dinner, clinking beers floating in an icy cooler beside the tent,
Jell-O shooters
before the bars in college, or bubbly flutes of champagne for the big New Year’s bash.

Whatever your pleasure, whatever your poison, that’s cool with us. But before you get down with the booze-filled pour, you need to get out that door and run down to the liquor store. Word to your sister.

Now, if you’re like me, you go through four distinct phases when you get your ID checked, and they go a little something like this:

•
Stage 1: Underage Rage.
Okay, you’re not quite at the legal limit but you’re close enough to push it. Problem is that the pimply dude at the cash register ain’t buying your fake ID and you get busted at the scene. So close yet so far. You storm away with your Friday night plans dashed, burning with a bit of underage rage.

•
Stage 2: New Booze Buzz.
When you hit the legal limit, it’s time to fight for your right to party. You wheel your shopping cart around the store with pride, picking up a bit of this, a bit of that, and beaming like a schoolgirl when the cashier asks for your ID. “Why, no problem at all!” you say loudly, grinning widely at the tired, bleary-eyed folks behind you in line. “Thank you so much for asking!”

•
Stage 3: Jaded Twentysomething.
You’re four or five years over the limit and the novelty has worn off. Now it’s becoming a pain to dig through your wallet to find your driver’s license before scooting home with a six-pack for the game. Can’t the clerk clearly see you’re twenty-six? Does he think you could have grown that goatee five years ago?

•
Stage 4: The Fountain of Youth.
After a while, the gray hairs add up and you start buying white wine for the backyard barbecue instead of lollipop-flavored vodka coolers for the all-night rager. You know your way around the store, you smile warmly at the clerk, and suddenly you get asked for your ID when you least expect it.

Oh baby, when it hasn’t happened in years, getting your ID checked can be a
full body buzz
. You fish out your card excitedly, peeling its faded face and dog-eared corners from your bag, and your eyes twinkle as you take a sip from the fountain of youth.

Sometimes it even happens on your birthday.

AWESOME!

The smell of rain on a hot sidewalk

There’s just something about the smell of rain on a hot sidewalk. It’s sort of like the rain cleans the air—completely hammering all the dirt and grime particles down to the ground and releasing some hot
baked-in chemicals
from the pavement. It smells best if it hasn’t rained in a while and the sidewalk is scalding hot. Then it sort of
sizzles and steams
up into a big, hot, intoxicating whiff.

AWESOME!

That friendly nod between strangers out doing the same thing

Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it’s like “Hey, we’re both doing the same thing. Let’s be friends for a second.”

Also applies to seeing someone driving the same car as you, walking their dog past you on Sunday morning, or squeezing the melon beside you in the grocery store.

AWESOME!

Really, really old Tupperware

Found in dusty kitchen cupboards and dishwasher top shelves across this wide, great land, really, really old Tupperware is as handy today as it was twenty, thirty, forty years ago. That famous Tupperware
burping seal
still holds strong, and you can bet that banana bread will stay moist, those celery sticks crisp, and that leftover lasagna fresh. Yes, all is well in this tight vacuum-sealed
Chamber of Taste Preservation
.

Really, really old Tupperware is mostly found in three colors: Stovetop Green,
Traffic Cone Orange
, or The Core Of The Sun Yellow. Optional features include novelty 1950s floral patterns or deep tomato stains from that time someone put chili in there and shoved it in the back of the freezer for two years.

One thing I enjoy doing is thinking about all the different kinds of food a particular piece of Tupperware has Tupperwared shut over the years. Apparently Tupperware has been around since 1946, so we’re talking about the full tastebud time line—from lard burgers, creamed-corn casseroles, and
Jell-O salads
to hemp brownies, parsley soup, and tofu cookies to pizza pockets, TV dinner leftovers, and astronaut ice cream pellets.

Really, really old Tupperware has been there, sealed that, and lived to tell the tale. It’s a throwback to the simpler life, when things like airtight seals meant something. Something real. Something honest.

Something worth believing in.

AWESOME!