The Black Swan (35 page)

Memories of him kept flashing into my mind. I had loved him for so long … all my life, it seemed. News of his death, following so close on that of my father, had completely stunned me. I had been lonely and lost.

I could not believe this. Joel alive! Coming home!

What would that mean to me? I was married now. I felt a terrible anguish; and it seemed as though a burden of sadness and despair was settling upon me.

Joel coming home … and I was married to Roland Fitzgerald!

I loved Roland, I told myself. He was a good husband to me. When had he ever been anything but kind and considerate?

But … Joel was coming home. We had promised that we would love each other forever … and I had married Roland.

I was numbed by the shock. Roland and Phillida noticed. They noticed everything, I thought, a little resentfully. They believed that what they called my hallucination had shocked me more than they had first thought. Phillida was busy with her remedies. In addition to the nightcap she was bringing me some herbal drink.

She said, “When we are next in London together, I’ll take you to the health shop. They have just about everything to promote good health.”

They were talking a great deal about the house Roland was proposing to buy in Yorkshire. Phillida knew exactly how many rooms we should need. She chattered constantly about it. I let her run on. I did not wish her to guess at my indifference.

I was wondering where Joel was now. Coming home, they said. There would be more about it in the London papers. I wished that I were there.

What was he thinking? He would be remembering me, believing that I was waiting for him … as we had promised we would. That seemed years ago. So much had happened since.

The trip to Yorkshire dominated Roland’s and Phillida’s conversation. I was only half listening to what they said.

I did hear Roland say, “I thought we might rent a house for a month or so to give you a chance to look round. We don’t want to commit ourselves until we’re sure.”

“What an excellent idea!” cried Phillida.

“Does that appeal to you, Lucie?”

“Oh, yes … yes … I suppose it’s a good idea.”

“You do think so?” pressed Roland.

“Of course she does,” Phillida answered for me.

“I think we should go next week. I really need to go, and it would be an excellent opportunity.”

“I’m so looking forward to it,” added Phillida. “Househunting is such fun, isn’t it, Lucie?”

“Oh, yes.”

“The moors are noted for their beauty,” said Phillida. “I think somewhere close to the moors would be nice. Not too isolated, of course. Then there are those wonderful old abbeys … Fountains and Rievaulx. Ruins, of course. Henry VIII, wasn’t it? What a dreadful thing to do! But the ruins are really fascinating. Next week, you said, Roland? I really can’t wait.”

I wanted to shout at them: stop talking about houses in Yorkshire! I wanted to tell them: Joel’s coming home. I can’t think about anything else.

There was a letter from Belinda next day.

Dear Lucie,

Bobby and I are coming to London. We do want to see you. Everything is going to be all right now. I told him what you did. Bobby, the darling, does understand. He thinks you’re wonderful. Both of us
do
want to see you. We shall be staying with Celeste who is not very well. I think she is a little lonely.

So come up and be with us for a few days. You really must. Celeste would love to see you.

Love from

Belinda

But next week I shall be looking at houses … houses which don’t interest me, because Joel is coming home and I am beginning to wonder what I have done with my life.

Since I had read that paragraph about Joel, I had forgotten to look for the man on the haunted seat before I went to bed. The thought of Joel’s return had closed my mind to everything else.

The idea came to me suddenly in the night. I would not go to Yorkshire with them. I had little interest in houses. I wanted to go to London. I must know what was happening about Joel. It was too frustrating to be without news.

I decided to be a little devious.

I said, “I’ve heard from Belinda. She’s coming to London and she thinks Celeste is not well.”

“Oh dear,” said Roland, all concern. He was always very sympathetic to others.

“Belinda thinks I should go to London to see Celeste.”

“You could go after we have got back from Yorkshire,” suggested Roland.

“I … I don’t think I could really be happy if I thought she were ill and I wasn’t on the spot.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know. But I feel I must go up to London and find out.”

“When?” asked Phillida.

“Well … now. I don’t want to wait until she is really ill.”

“Is it as bad as that?”

“Belinda … suggested …” I trailed off. I was thinking, why should I have to make these explanations, tell them half truths … just because I don’t want to go with them, because I must find out all I can about Joel?

I went on firmly, “I think it would be a good idea if you two went to Yorkshire. After all, it’s your native country. You know a great deal about it. I know nothing.”

“But you were excited about looking for a house,” said Roland.

“Well, you are not going to find it in a day or so. Why don’t you two go … and if you find something I can come and look at it later. But it is going to take some time … and I shall be worrying about Celeste.”

“It will spoil everything,” said Phillida with a little pout.

Roland said gently, “I understand how Lucie feels. She would be thinking of Celeste all the time.”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” I said gratefully.

“Then, my dear Lucie, you must do as you wish. Phillida and I will go to Yorkshire. We’ll look round, and then, if something seems possible, we’ll get you to come down and inspect it. We won’t decide anything without you, rest assured.”

I smiled at him warmly. He really was very kind and always understanding.

I felt a sense of shame, but at the same time, I was immensely relieved. I could not speak to them of Joel. I was wondering whether I should see him; and had no idea what his reaction toward me would be … if I did.

Thus it was that I found myself on the train speeding to London. The cab took me to the house and there was Celeste waiting for me.

She rushed at me and hugged me.

“How lovely that you are here!”

“Belinda said that you were unwell so I had to come.”

“Belinda’s exaggerating.”

“I’m so glad. When does she arrive?”

“Tomorrow. I’m glad you came a day ahead. It gives us a chance to chat awhile. Where is Roland?”

“On his way to Yorkshire with Phillida. Celeste … I saw a piece in the paper … about Joel.”

“Oh, yes, there has been quite a lot in the London papers. They didn’t make it headline news though. I suppose they’ll wait until he gets home for that.”

“When is he coming home?”

“It must be soon now, I imagine.”

“Did you hear what happened?”

“No. I did think of calling on the Greenhams but I didn’t. They were so odd at the time of his disappearance that I have seen very little of them since.”

“I thought there might be some news up here.”

“The press is being unusually secretive about it. I should have thought it would have made a good story. MPs kidnapped and held all this time …”

“Was a ransom paid?”

“I know nothing more than what I have read in the papers.”

“I wonder when he’ll be home.”

“It can’t be the same … can it? I mean, between you two. … You’re married now.”

“I was told he was dead, Celeste.”

She was looking at me in some alarm.

“But you are very happily married. Roland is so good, isn’t he? Poor Joel. Perhaps you ought not to see him. Perhaps I should explain.”

“I want to see him, Celeste.
I
want to explain.”

“If you think it wise. Of course … he may have changed.”

“It’s not really so long ago, Celeste.”

“But you are a married woman now.”

I nodded and turned away.

“How long will Roland and Phillida be in Yorkshire?” she asked.

“I don’t know exactly. They’re looking for a house.”

“A house? Right up there?”

“It’s where Roland’s main business is. It is more their home than the South is. Roland wants to buy a house. I think he feels that Manor Grange is mine and he wants to provide a home for us.”

She nodded. “That’s natural enough,” she said. “But what about Manor Grange? Are you going to sell it?”

“I’m not sure that I could even if I wanted to. All that business about the trust. I don’t know what it entails. I didn’t listen much at the time.”

“We were too shocked, weren’t we? I suppose the trustees would have to agree to the sale. I’m no more sure than you are.”

“I wouldn’t sell in any case. Think of the Emerys.”

“I see. But if you are living in Yorkshire …”

“I shall come South quite a lot. I shall come to see you and Belinda. I couldn’t be quite cut off.”

“Well, you can always come here when you want to be in London … and then you’ll have Manor Grange if you want to stay there. Perhaps it’s not such a bad idea. So they will be looking, and if they find something …?”

“I shall go up and see what it’s like and if the three of us are agreed … well then, I suppose Roland will buy it.”

“Very exciting!” said Celeste. “It’s wonderful to have you here.”

She had put me in my old room; and that night, when I went to bed I could not resist going to the window. I stared at the railings of the garden square, half-expecting to see him there. But the street was quite deserted.

Belinda came the following day. She was brimming over with excitement. Bobby was with her; he looked only slightly less jubilant than he had appeared on his wedding day. I imagined how shocked and horrified he must have been on hearing Belinda’s confession; but she had managed to convince him that all would be well and it seemed he believed her.

She was soon in my room for a chat.

“It’s working,” she said. “Bobby’s being an absolute pet and Henry is behaving almost like a gentleman, which I never believed he would.”

“Which means he is doing exactly what you want?”

She laughed. “Same old Lucie!” Her tongue protruded in the old way. “It’s going to take a little time. Why do people always have to hang about so? Why can’t they get on with things?
I
don’t know why there has to be all this delay. But it is going to be done without fuss … and we’re hoping very few people will hear about it. So soon Bobby and I will be well and truly married … and we’ll never forget the part you played in this, Lucie.”

“I only did the obvious thing. There was, after all, only one solution for you.”

“But Henry could have turned nasty. He liked you a lot. He thinks you’re sensible. He hated doing it but he could see it was no use trying to make me go back with him. Besides, there’s the baby.”

“You think that decided him?”

Belinda patted her stomach. “Dear little baby,” she said. “He’ll be strong and powerful. Look what he is able to achieve merely by being here!”

I thought then that there was something rare in the way she was able to shift her troubles onto the shoulders of others and had an implicit belief that everything must come right for her—and in some miraculous way, it did.

Suddenly she said, “Joel Greenham is coming home. I saw it in the paper.” She looked at me quizzically. “He used to be a rather special friend of yours.”

“Fancy your remembering!” I said with faint sarcasm.

“Of course I remembered! It was quite exciting, and once you were going to marry him. And now he’s coming home!” She was watching me, her eyes sparkling. “He was kidnapped,” she went on. “He’ll soon be here.”

“Yes, I suppose he will.”

“Don’t try to pretend to me that you’re indifferent.”

“I wasn’t trying to pretend anything. Of course I’m not indifferent. They thought he was dead. It’s wonderful that he isn’t … and is coming home.”

She nodded and I could see that she was contemplating all sorts of possibilities.

So, in fact, was I. My thoughts were in a turmoil as they had been ever since I had read that paragraph. I was longing to see Joel and I was more than a little afraid.

Another day passed. Celeste was certainly pleased to have us there. Her trouble was loneliness. Belinda was amazingly unperturbed about her affairs. She had clearly convinced herself that everything would soon be in order; as for Bobby, I think he was a little bewildered but was clearly still deeply in love with Belinda and certainly thrilled at the prospect of the baby.

I admired Belinda in a way. I wished I could bring the same attitude to my affairs that she did to hers.

I constantly scanned the papers for news. There was none.

Belinda said she wanted to do some shopping while she was in town. “It’s for the baby,” she explained. “Lucie, I want you to come with me.”

So I went with her. She shopped as much for herself as the baby; and when we returned home, I thought Celeste looked a little excited.

When I was alone with her, she said, “Joel has been here. He’s very upset.”

“He came to see me?” I asked.

“Yes. His parents had told him that you were married but he thought he must have the news from you. When I told him that you were actually in London, he asked a lot of questions. He looked different, Lucie … older.”

“I suppose we all do, and what happened is bound to have affected him.”

“He knew about your father, of course. He said he must get in touch with you.” She looked at me anxiously.

“I suppose he would want to talk,” I said.

“He left a note for you.”

“A note? Where is it?”

“I have it here.”

She put her hand into the pocket of her dress and brought it out almost reluctantly. I seized on it.

“Thank you, Celeste.”

I had to get away to discover what he had written. I went up to my room, sat on the bed and slit the envelope.

“Dear Lucie,” I read,

I want to see you. I could not believe that you are married. My parents told me first. They explained so much. But I have to see you soon. Could we meet tomorrow? Shall we say by the Round Pond in Kensington Gardens at half past ten? Do come. I shall be there.

Joel