The Beast and Me (27 page)

Day 86

Something has changed. I don’t know what or why, but I can feel it. Like you know that a window isn’t entirely shut. Maybe it’s me – I can’t tell – maybe something else. It’s not making me uncomfortable, quite the contrary, I must say, and that fact just makes me wonder if I should feel uncomfortable about it.

The day started off as any other day. As a normal day, like those before everything turned even darker. It’s not day 90, that would be a mark, right? That would be three months, but now... Three months, but it feels like years. Three months in which I have aged decades. In my head at least. I know that letting my head dive into paranoia won’t amount to anything. So... first Yoga and Tai Chi until Breakfast.

I wake up before the lights are switched on, since I go to bed early, which I have since I spend the last afternoons with Jay. That workout time slot, filled with repeating all those figures on my mat, which I had originally got to climb into the vent more comfortably, gets longer, but it helps against the ache. Of my head and my heart.

I don’t know what I expected: White to come and agree to my proposal? After just one night? Why would he even? I mean, it’s reasonable and there are many facts that speak for it. Of course, if he doubts me, he could think that I might want to take advantage of getting close to needles and drugs – which wouldn’t be wrong of him to think, because, apart from me getting more time to spend with Jay, that was exactly what I was aiming for. So of course it’s not a surprise that he doesn’t show up and, in the end, I guess eventually that’s because it was my suggestion, and not his. I guess I have to wait until I can make him believe that it was his idea.

Peter still doesn’t speak to me, which is hard for me to wrap my head around. He’s behaving like he’s sticking to his old rule again: to not speak until I do, but the game has changed. We cannot go back. Would he believe me if I just pretended like nothing had happened? If I try to act shy and concerned? How can people fake it all the time? Doesn't it tire them? I feel worn out simply by thinking about it.

I wish I’d have other things to do in my room, but it’s either reading or working out. I bet I’ve lost weight, I’ve definitely gained strength. Maybe that’s what I’m sensing.

It’s afternoon. I don’t know why I expected that they would come and pick me up again. It annoys me that I did. That I hoped, in this God-forsaken place. I need to calm down. I already tried sit-ups, pushups, Tai Chi in increased speed. I bet, if I had a mirror to look at myself doing this I would think that I’m watching someone else. I bet it looks pretty bad-ass.

Just, when I finally won the battle inside of me, when I was about to knock on that door to ask Peter, when I would be taken to the gym again, he opened it before my knuckles hit the metal.

“I’ve got something for you", he said, and I think that I stared at him in disbelief that he was in fact able to speak before I noticed the pile of books he had shoved into my hands.

“For me?” I blinked at him – retrospectively not my brightest moment. “Thank you!”

I don’t know why I thanked him, I guess it was because my mother had taught me to.

“Not from me”, he responded monotonously and left, shutting the door into my nose.

I have to admit that I feel bad. I mean I should feel bad, right? But it’s different. And I don’t like that it’s different. It worries me. In the back of my mind it makes me realize that I have changed much more than I openly admit. A part of me knows that I shouldn’t judge him, at least not that easily. Peter must have his very own hurtful reasons why he wasn’t honest, despite knowing that I obviously didn’t have any issues with facing a Beast.

However, again, I would have loved a mirror in my room because of the face I definitely made the moment I looked at those new books of mine. Medical books. I mean, that’s not an agreement, but it’s something. Maybe he just wants to keep me occupied, but I don’t care. One of them is on anatomy and it might be very helpful, definitely more helpful than White probably thinks. Again... I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

I started to read the books and I know, I just know, that White won’t agree to my proposal and just wants me to believe he does, because that’s who he is. He would give away too much of his control over me, over the two of us.

Actually I am fine with it, because these books are very helpful and distracting, regardless of the fact that this was White’s intention.

However, I keep continuing my workout. I want to improve my Tai Chi, because it is still martial arts and will come in handy someday. And I want to become tired quickly, especially because receiving these books means that I won’t see Jay again and I... I won’t accept that. I will take matters into my own hands.

Day 87

You know it actually helps telling yourself over and over again that you need to wake up after 5 hours of sleep. It works.

I’ve just returned from the gym and I’m tired, because I definitely didn’t get enough sleep. I went up the vent again.

I’m really getting faster at all of this and yes, I took my tools with me just in case. But the case didn’t happen.

There’s no way opening Jay’s vent from the inside and the slots are too small for me to push something like a tool through. And without Jay being there, who knows who else will find it? And even if they don’t put two and two together correctly, they will punish him. Again. And I can’t let that happen.

So it’s not important anyway. I don’t want to risk anything. First, I have to find a way out before I free him from there.

I went to visit him. On the way I was worried if he’d even be there, if he was still injured. When I got there... the cell was empty and my heart simply imploded. It took me some time to realize that the place wasn’t cleaned out, only tidy. Yet I knew that he hadn’t been there for quite a while.

How long I just sat there and shivered from the cold, staring down at the mattress I had found him lying the last and first time I was here, I can’t say.

Basically, I imagined watching him sleep deeply and relaxed, being completely healed and human. I was daydreaming about him being fine, so that I would see him again soon, because I couldn’t bear the thought that I would never see him again. I sat there until my bare feet started hurting.

When I got back, I didn’t bother looking at the clock on my iPod. I just made sure that everything was stashed away and got into my cold bed. It took half an eternity to warm myself up again, and I guess I had only just fallen asleep when the lights blazed into life.

Now I feel like a carnivore, they try to turn into a Vegan. I glare blankly at my food, knowing that I have to eat, and I do, because I’m oddly hungry, but I just can’t taste anything. It’s like... I eradicated my whole tray, just like Breakfast, I remember, but it doesn’t feel like it’s stuffing the hole in my stomach.

I just had to calculate.

My period is due in about 10 days. I don’t know why I worry about this. It’s the first time I actually think about this at all, that there might be a chance. Maybe I try to explain why I feel so different, why I am so hungry. But maybe it’s something else entirely.

Originally I wanted to start this paragraph completely different and now I catch myself thinking about getting pregnant.

It’s too dangerous for me to go again tonight, I know that, and I can’t ruin my sleeping schedule, because last night already wore me out that much. I can’t risk it all because of me being egoistic. I have to focus on gaining White’s trust.

It’s almost afternoon now and I keep wondering if I see him today or not.

So, I went anyway. I didn’t really have a choice. I woke up in the middle of the night, shortly after 3 a.m., being wide awake, worn out but far from falling asleep again easily. Maybe it was my door being shut again, after check-up, maybe my subconscious just set the timer of my inner clock.

That time was as if I was functioning automatically, like my body was awake but my mind had gone back to sleep, tucking in tightly my emotions along with it. I didn’t worry and I guess I wouldn’t have been able to even if I tried. I just crawled my way through without thinking twice, without hesitating, or pondering if I turned in a wrong direction, as if I had gone there a thousand times, but it was only the third time I had to remember the way. Third time is a charm.

When I saw him lying there, my mind and heart snapped wide awake as I exhaled slowly, carefully, in relief. Jay was almost fully healed. I was only able to see little scurf, which of course was because of what he is. And probably that was why he hadn’t been in his cell the night before: they still were patching him together. That thought strangely made me think of Doc. I hadn’t seen her in quite a while, but I was wondering if she was also the one who sewed the Beasts together.

Jay woke just a breath after me taking in air again and blinked. He can look so cute, just like the complete opposite of what he can be, the way he was when we first met. Instantly he looked up at me, his eyes flashing mint for a moment. It makes my heart jump.

In a good way. Like always.

Quickly he looked at the door – I guess this was just a reflex – and hesitated, obviously not sure if he should get up or not.

“Hi”, I smiled at him.

Jay he sat up, looking at me with the corners of his mouth slowly lifting. I knew he could hear how my pulse was speeding up. I never thought that he would flee my glance by dropping his to the ground shyly.

Shyly. Can you imagine that he’s like that? No one would expect him to be. Even I didn’t. But as a matter of fact, he’s more insecure than me and somehow I understand that.

“How are you?” I asked lowly and he looked at me again, still a tiny smile on his lips, which made me ache to touch him, to hug him, caress his face.

“Better”, he answered the obvious huskily and my body remembered how much it loved his voice. “Did Severin say something about your suggestion?” he wondered and tilted his head just a bit, leaving me in surprise:

“You heard that?”

“Yeah”, he chuckled almost inaudibly, and still my bones were humming, resonating that sound, “Comes along with the package.”

This humor, I just love it.

“He sent me some medical books, but I doubt that he will agree”, I responded and made myself comfortable in the square venting tunnel.

“Well, at least you’ve got some”, Jay answered and I felt sorry, but even more: bad.

Yes, I’ve every right to whine about my situation, how I am being treated, but I have a room, a shower, a decent bed, books, pictures on the wall. And what does he have?

A mattress, a half-broken basin, a toilet, a locker and that’s it. Even my walls are cheerfully white compared to his dull gray ones. Everything gray in gray. His room is just a bit bigger than my bathroom. And I don’t want to begin to imagine what he goes through every day.

“I could... read to you”, I offered.

The smile he gave me was so sad that my heart wanted to hide in my chest.

“You shouldn’t come here that often” was his reply and I knew that he must have smelled that I had been there the night before.

My cheeks flushed and I looked away: “I know, I just... needed to know that you are okay and I... hate not to see you every day."

It simply tumbled out of my mouth before I realized it and I wish, I wish I could describe the way he looked at me when I looked at him again. As if it was too good to be true, as if he couldn’t believe I had the guts to lie like that, as if he was sure he was just imagining my words, as if he wanted to tear off that vent and kiss the life out of me.

Jay kept completely immobile, like a statue. Yet, I swear I could feel his tension electrifying the air, his body tremble, and his eyes changed color again. I hadn’t even noticed that they had turned back to normal, before they flashed in that unreal color.

“I mean it”, I breathed out.

“I know”, he answered, staring at the ground, and I reasoned that he could hear it by the way I breathed and the way my heart was beating.

“I know it’s crazy because we don’t even know each other”, I started but choked and he glanced up at me again with his beautiful misty green eyes.

“Me too”, he gave back slowly. “I hate not seeing you too. I hate it that Peter gets to see you almost every day. I hate it that he’s the one telling me how tired you look or how sad, or how worn out, or worried. I hate him telling me that you touched him accidentally. I hate him eating with you, talking to you... I...”

With every word he seemed just to get more and madder and it... it didn’t scare me, I was just afraid what it would mean to him, and even more it hurt me for him.

“Jay”, I cut him off. “Jay, I told you to trust me, remember? Please look at me.”

And he did.

He was changing, but I didn’t need to see him to know that.

“He tells you all this to make you angry”, I told him and his chest was heaving dramatically, while he clenched his trembling hands. “He’s jealous of you. Don’t let him get into your head.”

“Why should he be?” he asked, his voice sounding distorted, and he swallowed, wanting to change that.

“Because you have me and he doesn’t.”

I know that saying this wasn’t the best idea, to tell him this, in the state he was in, but it was the truth. And that was what we both were about: the truth.

“I could live without that if I had you around every day”, he answered after and eternity of silence.

“I couldn’t.” Again, my mouth was faster than me.

But it was worth it, because I could see him blush in embarrassment despite the dim light, just like I did.

Good to know that he gets me right.

“I mean, I...” I still stammered quickly. “I wish that this was different too, I just...”

“I’m sorry I got you here”, he cut me off pressing his eyes shut and dropping his head. “I’m so sorry”, his voice trailed off.

“No, no, don’t be”, I pressed my hands against the grate without realizing it first. “You didn’t know that they would take me. It’s not your fault that I am here. Jay, please. Please, look at me.”

And he did, tears twinkling in his eyes, stealing my breath and all the words I was preparing, which were supposed to convince him.

“It’s not your fault”, I repeated instead.

“It is, because I chose this”, he negated, “and you.”

And then he told me how he got here. I already knew that he was a soldier, an officer even. His parents had been doctors, just like his elder brother and sister were, or at least that was what she had been until she was killed in Afghanistan being part of Doctors Without Borders. Something that was hushed up by the local government. She had simply vanished. So Jay broke off his studies to become a doctor himself and enlisted to become an officer, despite his family’s disapproval. Quickly he had gotten the opportunity to become part of a Special Forces group because of his commitment and determination.

He had no idea that signing in to this special operation would end up like this: that he and others would become guinea pigs for modern warfare.

Still, I don’t think that it’s his fault and I told him.

They had been lying to him, yet he insisted that he should have asked questions, that he had learned enough in his studies to figure out that they weren’t giving them vaccines, but a virus, because all of them were becoming sick, and for longer than they should have.

And still, the explanation, of that it was some stronger vaccine than they had anticipated had been enough for him, to accept it.

“How can you expect someone to be reasonable after losing his sister?” I asked him and all he could answer to that was looking at me, broken as he was, hopeless and devastated.

How I wish that I would have been able to touch him in that moment, but all I had were my words.

“I’m here with you now”, I told him, “And I want to be here with you. I don’t care how we got here. But we will get out of here. Together.”

The most perfect thing was that he didn’t doubt my words, that he didn’t say it was impossible. Jay kept silent, because he wanted my words to be true.

At least I believed that.

Now, retrospectively, I think there was something else he had wanted to tell me. And I didn’t need long to guess what it probably was: why he had picked me. White said something about me knowing him before all of this. Did I know his sister? But she had been older than him, and I never really had real friends. Did we really know each other before all of this?

Normally it should be the other way around. Normally you get to know each other first before you... get intimate. Especially the way we have.

But then again: what is normal?

Even if we weren’t in a situation like this - probably we would have never met, or he wouldn’t have been aware of me...

The point is, even in the real world, the outside world, people meet like that. Have sex and then... fall in love.

Yes, I know it’s stupid to say. And I probably feel what I feel because of the situation I’m in, but... it’s not that I need... it’s not that I need him for that... I need him, all of him. I need to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. The slight differences, variances when he speaks, expressing his emotions. That faint roughness in his voice, when he becomes emotional. I need to hear it. I need him to look at me, because it feels like he sees me, really sees me. Who I am. Who I was. Who I have become. He still sees me for who I really am. It’s so hard to explain.

And then... we have met before and I... I believe that not only because White mentioned that, but because he feels so familiar. Maybe it’s simply some sort of connection we have, maybe my mind is trying to romanticize all of this. However, it doesn’t make any difference, not to me, not now. Maybe we’re star-crossed, maybe we are meant to be, maybe there is really something like fate, like destiny, maybe we are simply meant to save each other.