The Beast and Me (16 page)

Day 66

I doubt that anything will happen today, even though it’s a straight day. That doesn’t matter anyhow.

Two months... it’s been two months. And I was right, nothing happened apart from Peter bringing my mat.

Yes, I got it, my yoga mat. Peter looked tired and worried. There was this expression on his face like he wanted to tell me something, but he didn’t stay. I didn’t know if I should ask him. I mean, don’t judge me. I don’t trust him, but I’d love to talk to someone. I’d love to talk to Jay, and if I’m being honest: I miss Peter, miss having my meals together with him, to talk to him, because in those moments I was able to pretend that everything was normal. I have unlearned to daydream, to imagine a different reality, to flee from this. And it has only been two months.

I’m feeling so tired, even though I’ve slept a lot. I guess it’s me getting my period soon. I hate that. I know I’ll be hungry all the time now. I guess I ate my Breakfast in record time. I’m on edge. I don’t know why. It’s not that I’ve got a sixth sense or something. Still, I feel like something is going to happen soon. Or maybe I just hope. Then again White taught me never to hope for anything to happen. I have to be picky and wait for something specific, just in case. I should have gone up again tonight, but I just feel so... tired. Maybe I’m scared what I will find.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know how I did this anymore.

Maybe, because I was in shock, or in denial?

Or did I think all of this was a dream just to realize that it isn’t? If I got a chance I would kill him. I would kill White, this sadistic pervert pig, the human spider. He is the monster and no one else.

Who put him in charge? How could I even think of trying to play along with his perversions when he... this man is despicable! I hate him. I despise him. I loathe him.

God, is this even real? Is this reality? Am I dead? Or in Hell? I want to go insane. I want to lose my mind, because being aware of all this, knowing that this is real it’s just...

I can’t do this anymore. Not like that.

I need to get out of here.

I... I can’t write down what happened. I can’t write down the details. Not now... It’s just. How could I even do this before? I am not imagining this, am I?

He... White... I guess this place gets to him as well. Because... how can a human be like this? I mean I’ve read and seen so much of this, but... I guess it makes it rather unreal and one never believes that this could happen to them.

I was brought into the cage again, shackled to the wall again and I don’t know why I was so stupid to believe that we would get back to where we once were. But no, White was there and he ordered everyone out, in his typical tone again. I am sure that there was even no one in the surveillance room.

... Is this how power corrupts?

I couldn’t turn around, but I heard him. I knew he was there, not only because White talked to him, telling him that he was losing patience.

“If you don’t manage to control yourself, you are worthless to me and this means she is worthless as well”, he explained and yes, of course he was talking about me. “So, I order you to do what you have failed to do the last time I ordered you: shift back. If you turn and try anything, I will punish her, not you, her. Now shift back!”

Yes, I have welts on my back and it hurts like hell. But you know what? Somehow I am really happy that I got them and that this pervert of a man didn’t do more, like he threatened to.

He told Jay that he would... take me if he would continue to fail and seriously: how should Jay not lose his temper hearing that? White knew that it was impossible. I swear he wanted to do this to me.

I’m going to kill him... or I’ll kill myself.

No, he won’t get me. I won’t give him that satisfaction. He won’t break me. White can whip me with that quirt a thousand times, but I won’t give in.

Yes, I know.

I know I wasn’t as strong as I want to appear.

Jay didn’t succeed and so he had to watch. He had to watch how White pulled out that quirt and stroke me.

I didn’t count. It was more important to me to muffle every sound that tried to betray me and flee from my throat. I bit my lip until it bled, which was stupid, because Jay could smell it.

I guess White didn’t strike as hard as he could have, but it did hurt nonetheless.

Still, somehow I regained my very own special ability. I was somewhere else again, watching a movie, where the heroine was being punished to shake the viewers, and she kept strong.

Day 67

No idea why, really, but I guess that it is a good thing that this pain on back makes me angry, not Jay-angry luckily but somehow every time my back hurts I’m pissed.  I almost wrote Ten-angry instead of Jay.

It’s not like I’m falling back into not seeing him as a human, but it makes me realize: it’s like with Jekyll and Hyde. It’s Jay and Ten.

Whatever White has done to him... could it be that there are in fact two personalities inside of him? It would make sense that me calling him by his name, his real name, which I gave him not only hope, but reminded him who he really is, and that something else has taken over.

Now, I’m really crazy. No, he is one person, because I can see it, I saw it in the hole, in his eyes. Even as he stood there fully warped into that creature Spider-White calls Ten, all I saw was Jay, and how terrified he was of the thought that White would actually shoot me.

It helps a lot for being fully awake, when you get up after the first nightly check-in to pull yourself up a vent (sarcasm-alert).

The mat works perfectly by the way.

I just need to remind myself to actually use it for its official purpose today, so that no one gets suspicious.

I went further down the rabbit hole tonight, but I really have to be cautious taking that shortcut across this interrogation chamber, because I almost fell through the grate and it doesn’t look like there’s something movable down there to get me up again, or even to fix the broken grate.

On the other hand, it’s good to know that I won’t have to use much force for those horizontal openings. I only need something really neat to hold them in place once I got through them.

I have to remember to take the scotch tape with me just in case. Yet I doubt that it would hold it long enough. Still, if I break through accidentally, I have something up my sleeve, which makes me think: I need a belt. So next mission: get some gear.

However the air circulation system splits up several times. I need a marker so that I can make notes at the crossings in order to navigate through them. It makes more sense to actually mark and write against the metal in there than risking a map being discovered.

Planning all this is fun, really.

And yes: I got to the anteroom of the cage, like I hoped. And yet, I didn’t dare to go any further, I have to admit it, because I heard noises and I couldn’t tell if it was him or not. So, I took a peek into the surveillance room, you know – the one with the black glass window Spider-White likes to perv through – meaning that I had to climb.

Now I know that I really need gloves. It’s not really a strength or endurance issue. I mean, of course, more training will help me move more silently and faster, but of course these tunnels weren’t made for anyone to crawl through all the time.

It’s funny that I totally keep forgetting that I’m freaked out by narrow spaces, probably because my head is full with other things. In my head, I am making a gear list, which I repeat while I’m crawling my way through the air system. I have changed so much already.

So yes, I could take a look at the monitoring room and of course that black mirror is actually a window. No big surprise. But I couldn’t see through it from my position. Maybe it was the wrong angle, or maybe it’s one of those electrified mirrors, you know that become transparent, when the electricity is switched off. That wouldn’t be a big surprise either, since this corporation or secret operation obviously has tons of money to burn. However, they have some monitors and I believe... that they are taping everything. This is so disgusting...

I tried to find a way around the cage. The ceiling is very high and I fear that the vent system ends here, at least, when I follow the left arm of this labyrinth. But I have to be careful. I don’t want to risk anything. So I went back.

Now Peter is going to take me to the gym and I’ll ask him if I can stay a bit longer and if he could pick me up earlier tomorrow. I have to work on my durability. I want to be able to support myself on my arms only. If only my trainer at school could read this...

They say pain is gain, and it’s actually true. But I have to be careful not to do the same thing over and over again. Luckily I have a good memory.

Like the teacher said: so that your muscles can gain strength, they have to get time to grow, or something like that. Meaning: I will have to give every muscle part a day rest so that it actually can progress.

So I need to train different areas on different days. Of course for warming up I’ll keep going on the treadmill and bike. I’m really eager, but again: there’s something to gain here for me.

As I came back into my room there were two ‘new’ books on my table. I knew instantly that White brought them and really... it’s one about Yoga and one about Tai Chi and I had to laugh, because Tai Chi is also some sort of martial arts. Once women weren’t allowed to fight so they created that sort of ‘dance’. Thank you for supporting my plans. I have to try this out instantly, but after Lunch. And I’ll just pretend not to freak out because I cannot remember actually asking for those books, I just wrote down that I was thinking about doing it, the Yoga book.

Of course, this though is sneaking into my mind – I can feel the spider on my skin again – that White actually might read my diary. But why then am I still crawling through the air circulation system?

I really started to go through these books, but learning it from drawings and descriptions isn’t that easy. I wish I had television so I would actually see it. However, I didn’t get far because Peter knocked and entered when I asked him to come in – because that’s what you do.

He wanted to know if I was alright.

Obviously he knew about what had happened. Strange that it took him so long to ask me, but then again, he had promised not to bother me until I said something first.

“I would show you, but I guess I can also tell you that I should be blue and purple on my back? I’m sure it’s some sort of progressive art. At least your boss definitely will see it as such.”

I couldn’t help it. Sarcasm is my new middle name. It’s the only weapon I have, the only thing they cannot strip from me. Apart from that I have to admit that I liked the expression on his face, and the way he reacted. It wasn’t pity; it was concern, trouble and a flash of anger. I just need to like him for that.

Although I want to believe that he’s just an incredibly good actor, something tells me he’s not. Maybe White has tricked him as well. Or maybe I am wishing so badly that at least someone around here is a normal sympathetic human being, that I am blind.

“I’m here to take you for a walk”, Peter said, taking me off guard, and of course I instantly was tensed and worried; still I went with him.

I mean, what other choice did I really have?

We were alone, no Gray, no White, just Peter and me and he didn’t touch me to lead the way. I just stayed at his side. There were only two directions we could have gone and I’m not sure which one would have worried me more: right or left, left or right, gym or cage. It was cage. Yet, I knew that this complex was huge, so who knew if we really were going to that specific destination. Maybe we were just walking; maybe I would see the sun once more?

When we passed the door to the cage, I relaxed and I think that he noticed, even though he didn’t smile as a reaction. Luckily I didn’t think about that then, otherwise I would have worried, maybe I would have anticipated what would come next, and I would definitely react out of instinct. Instead, I ran into it blindsided.

I realized where we were headed when we had already arrived: Jay’s cell. And I was still telling myself that we weren’t, even when it already was too obvious.

Clinging to the belief that the good side in people is always stronger than the bad is naïve.

Will I ever learn?

As I stood there for the second time, I saw the number 10 on that door and it felt strange to see that. Did I miss that the last time? Probably White had freaked me out too much then. Being caught up in that memory, I touched the number without thinking and an unexpected movement made me flinch.

Startled, I realized that it had been Peter’s hand moving past my face, not touching me, but removing the blind so that I could look inside the room.

The place looked orderly now, neat even. I didn’t know what I really had expected to see or what I had hoped to look at. However, what I saw was neither and both. There was someone inside there doing pushups, the bare back faced to the door.

Even without having read that number, even without having been there once before, I would have recognized that body anywhere and anytime. It was Jay.

I remember looking at Peter questioningly, but he didn’t react apart from stepping back. So my eyes moved to this picture in front of me, instinctively, because of Peter’s expression.

Yes, who wouldn’t like to look at a back like that: perfectly shaped and athletic. And I knew it better than my own, since I had the chance to see it up close more than one time.

Suddenly Jay stopped his movement and pushed himself onto his feet swiftly. I held my breath.

“It’s not working anymore”, he said with a middle deep voice, a baritone, smooth and yet edgy.

Yes, he spoke, and this voice sounded so strange and still so familiar to me that it made me shudder. It was not that deep and full like the cougar I had met so often, it was softer... human, somewhat hoarse, still deep, but young, younger than I had imagined, than I had expected. My heart made a jump and started racing wildly. The meaning of his remark eluded me and Jay didn’t continue, even though he had taken in the air in order to do so. He froze, tensed, I watched the muscles on his back and neck twitch, and I realized, that he could hear my pulse.

How do I describe this feeling? I don’t know how.

“Meghan”, he said my name, not as a question, but as a statement, and even though they were only two syllables I could hear his voice crack slightly.

Still, he had said my name and I instinctively shifted closer to the door. I can still feel the metal beneath my palms, even though I can’t recall reaching out to touch it. To hear him talking and to hear him speak out my name was something entirely different, otherworldly even. The sound of my name just... I felt like soaring, like being put in cotton, onto a cloud, waking up from a nightmare, lying next to him. All I wanted was to touch him, to pull him close, close to me and just hold him. But I couldn’t.

“Jay”, I head myself answer, but he didn’t turn around.

Why wouldn’t he turn around for me to see his face? Instead, I watched his body tense, every muscle strain turned into taut wires. First, it was solely his head that moved, with his torso following just slightly, to the point that his eyes could catch my face. What I saw right then were finer features than I had learned to know, human ones, quickly deforming, warping to what I had become familiar with... and then Peter shut the blind.

“We need to go back.”

I was paralyzed, needing a moment to return to reality, to this place of cold and white darkness. Somehow I managed to nod, even before I comprehended the combination of these five simple words.

I still ask myself what Jay meant, saying “It’s not working anymore”. Maybe I should ask him tonight.

Somehow I feel like I already know the answer. He didn’t tense immediately, like he was used to all this, like he wasn’t really expecting me, even though he definitely should have been able to catch my scent. Yet, he acted like I wasn’t around until he heard my heart pounding and me holding my breath.

Are they trying to condition him?