The Beast and Me (14 page)

Day 60

Of course, who visited me when I thought they would finally take me to Jay? Yes, White. I think he likes that I am jumpy around him, and quiet, and watch every move of his. I really don’t want him to come here more often, even if he chooses to tell me about my session schedule.

No, today I don’t have one. Yes, I am disappointed. Even though I haven’t seen Jay for four days, that they’ve skipped one straight day already, I really hoped because it’s day 60 that I would get to see him.

“You see we cannot reward him for his behavior”, White told me explicatory.

“As in: destroying his cell?” I replied even though I had decided to keep my mouth shut, I bit on the inside of my cheek, to keep myself quiet.

However, he didn’t seem to mind a conversation with me – why else would he have been here anyway? White nodded as an answer, not adding anything, which made me anxious, and break my vow not to speak again.

“But it wasn’t his fault”, I argued and wanted to slap myself the moment the following words went across my lips. “It was mine.”

His look gave me the creeps – again. I should name him Spider instead of White.

“Still, it was him who destroyed our property and not you”, he eventually said.

“But...” I could kick myself now, and almost drove my heel into my feet, for talking again plus contradicting him.

White just cocked one brow in amusement and one corner of his mouth lifted up slightly: “Go ahead.”

“I’m here for his reward, I get it”, giving up to stay quiet and I avoided looking at him. "You are trying to train him. I... I could help."

I definitely took him by surprise with that, hell I took myself by surprise. But it made sense. This was what I was here for, and yet all they did was rewarding him, probably for something couldn’t even anticipate. Obviously, instead of making him more approachable all they had managed to do was give him hope. Those who hope eventually rebel.

“How could you possibly do that?” now he was mocking me, I could hear it in his tone.

Itsy-bitsy Spider was still thinking I was some stupid mediocre college girl.

“You want to control him”, I assumed, gesturing like some high-class salesman on daytime shopping-TV. “And yet you treat him like a wild animal.”

“Because he is”, White responded, but I saw that I got his attention and interest.

“He isn’t”, I argued again and stopped being careful without noticing, forgot what I was to this man and where I was. “He has a name, he has feelings, he doesn’t need just sex, and he needs more than that. If you give him more than that...”

I couldn’t continue because White stepped towards me, made me retreat until my back was against my wall and I knew right then and there that my room is not a sanctuary.

Not to White.

This room is not my room.

It is his and it will never be safe for me. He reminded me perfectly, invading my personal space, towering over me. He didn’t touch me. Thank God.

“You forget your place”, he told me lowly with a smug grin, obviously he liked my little rebellion, and even more how terrified I must have looked up at him.

I didn’t dare answer, although I asked silently if he wanted to punish me again. The answer was obvious, but I hadn’t given him enough, and HELL I wouldn’t. I know he wants that, but I don’t need to give him any reason.

“Maybe I’ll get back to your offer”, he said as he backed off.

“I won’t fail you”, I said, just at the moment that door opened after he swiped his wristband against the scanner.

He only stopped briefly to let me know that he had heard me and then – thank God – he left.

On the one hand, I know it was a good thing that he listened to me; on the other hand, he probably starts to realize that he shouldn’t underestimate me. I have to make him believe that I might be smart, but I don’t intend to rebel... that I’m the nice, good girl that knows how to behave.

Tonight more screwing my vent open.

Day 61

I won’t give up. I won’t.

I broke my claw, Jay’s claw. It’s useless now, but at least I managed to loosen some of the screws; just enough to use the metal rod of my electric toothbrush to continue working on them. However, I have to be careful not to use too much force or I might break it and they will know...

I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday. I really offered White to help. To help! Him! I mean I think I know Jay but I actually don’t. Just like I didn’t know Peter and look what happened?

Then again: Jay’s destroyed cell.

Would White go that far and stage it? Why? Why the effort? What for? Messing with my head? It’s not that he needs to; I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself.

I need something to occupy myself with and I can’t hang around in my bathroom all the time. They will notice.

Music is boring me and the books as well. And workout... training is good to get rid of all the energy building up being imprisoned.

Yes, I’m in better shape than I was in before I got here. If I could go there more often... but then again the gym is not just for me, right?

Ironically, I want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk to Peter and definitely not to White. Gray probably would be the person I would want to spend time with now, because he doesn’t say much. Doc... yes, I would like to talk to her. At least there would be that hint of a smile that actually feels somewhat real and honest. And Jay... I don’t know. I really don’t know. Do I believe what I have said? Isn’t that wishful thinking? I mean White told him to torture me and he did? Does he try to be a good boy just like I try to be a good girl?

I need to get into that vent and take a look. I really want to see him outside our sessions, because maybe I really can see him and not the beast White delivers me.

Lunch: the steak tasted different. I guess it was lamb. I liked it. The cook is quite good. I wonder if I could get in the kitchen or maybe work there? I need to do something else. Two months...

Two months... really? I wonder if anyone misses me. Semester isn’t over yet, but... do they actually fake mail my family? Or are they looking for me already? I never thought... Hell, I never believed this would happen, so of course I never thought that I would miss my life.

I guess this is really why I miss Jay, because he makes my days... different. I could say that the first time injuring me was just an honest mistake, something he couldn’t control, but following White’s order? Why did he do that? Just to freak out after that? Wouldn’t it have been just the same as refusing to do that? Why did he willingly hurt me? I mean the second time... no, why? White said, because of me saying his name. Did he try to obey so that he would see me again? I just... no!

Still, there is this chance that Jay isn’t really Ten’s name and White is lying to me about it. Maybe he just lost it because he thought I was thinking of someone else. I cannot believe any single word being said here. I cannot bring sense to anything happening here. I feel like going insane. Why is today so different? What is different?

Dinner: cheese, grapes, raw carrots, yogurt, same shit. I actually took the fork with me going to the bathroom and used it on the screws. That worked really well. Just when I wanted to loosen the ones above, Peter came in to take the tray. I quickly brought it back, explaining that I needed something to clean my nails. YUCK. He bought it, maybe because my cheeks were flushed. There was such a strange glint in his eyes. Finally, something good about that, about being me.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I went to the bathroom. I checked on the vent. I could move it, lift it open. I didn’t expect that I would be so fast. I think I can squeeze myself through it. I didn’t dare to. It’s too high, and the edges are too sharp, and I don’t feel strong enough to do it.

And all of these arguments are just far-fetched because I have no idea what to do if the insane chance happens and I find my way to Jay.

Day 62

I waited and waited and waited. To wait is the worst thing ever, because your mind goes on a crazy spree. I want to be busy. I need to be busy, because I don’t want to have all these thoughts reminding me of... reality. I’m not here voluntarily. I was abducted. I am being molested and worse. I am a toy for some freak human-animal cross breed, but he’s held imprisoned as well.

Reading what I write, what I wrote... it still seems unreal. What if I am really crazy? What if I am in an institution because I’m sick? Maybe all this is just my imagination? And my family has to endure this? But why haven’t they visited then? I know I don’t really have friends, but my family would come to me, wouldn’t they?

Or do I not recognize them? Is Doc my mother? Then this hint of a smile would make sense. Is Peter actually my Dad? No, hell no, I would have known THAT. No, this is real and it seems like finally, eventually and irrecoverably reality has sunken into my mind. There is no way back to pretending, no chance that I can hold up that daydreaming of me just being an actress, of me just watching a strange movie, of me being some character I made up. Why was this so much easier when I was a kid? Probably, when you’re a kid you are immune to the real world, until it hits you with a vengeance.

So, I asked if I could go to the gym again, when the point passed in which they usually take me to Jay, because I felt like going insane. Six days without meeting him, and I start to be relieved. Actually, I feel quite indifferent about it. Numb. I like being numb.

Actually, turning paranoid has some upsides: I think I’ve spotted the cameras in the gym and I believe that there is none in the shower, which has a vent! I really need to explore the air circulation system, right? I just wish that I had a clock or a watch.

Don’t I have one? Silly me, I’m so stupid. I have my iPod. I’ll start tracking their time schedule now, just to be sure. And I will put my chair in front of the door at night, so that I can tell if they check on me.

Day 63

Yes, exactly: no one visited me yesterday and it was Gray who brought my food. Not that anyone would wonder. Even I didn’t wonder about it, strange. But then again: it isn’t. I mean, ‘strange’ is my new normal right?

Indifference has taken hold of me, or maybe it’s just sarcasm in disguise.

Actually, I already anticipated some sort of schedule. The meals seem to be divided into five hour steps, even though they aren’t taking it too seriously.

Breakfast’s at 7/7:30 a.m.

Lunch at 12/12:30 p.m.

Dinner at 7/7:30 p.m.

That figures. I’m just sitting at Lunch so we’ll have to see if my theory is true, I’m pretty sure it is.

However, at 10/10:30 a.m. I get to go to the gym for one and a half hours, and I guess at 10/10:30 p.m. the lights go out here. So, I actually get 8 hours of sleep, because the lights get switched on earlier than Breakfast. I guess at 6/6:30 a.m.?

Can I already risk going to explore the vent tonight? No, I have to be sure whether they are checking on me more than once, like they did at 12:15 a.m. So, I guess: 12/12:30 a.m. would fit perfectly into the schedule, but I don’t trust that this will be the only time that they check on me.

When would they normally take me to Jay or to a second gym round? 3/3:30 p.m., if they really stick to that. Meaning: the second check would be at 3/3:30 a.m. as well. I have to be sure. I will place one of my books in front of the door after the first time they check on me at night. If it’s moved, I know that there’s a second check. So I’ll have to stay awake and find out about the time. I can’t do the chair thing again: they already were suspicious, even though I muttered a ‘sorry’, even though I had been scared wide awake by the sound. One time they can take as an accident, the second time? Not so much.

White... oh, I wish I wouldn’t have to see this sadistic SOB again. He was just here about 2 p.m., which doesn’t fit in the schedule.

Dammit.

I tried not to think of what he has done to me, what he had told Jay to do to me. He didn’t stay very long. THANK GOD. But again, he moved too close. Yeah, I cannot have a spider as far away from me either.

I don’t know... does he hope that he has the same effect on me like Jay? Does he really think that he can influence what I feel like?

No, he’s rather far too confident about himself. And of course he has an effect on me. He’s a human spider to me. I would be equally disgusted and terrified if he would turn into a gigantic spider right in front of me, but definitely not surprised.

Surprisingly, he noticed my discomfort and moved away. Still, that smug grin had spun a wide web all over his face. God, I guess he’s not even that bad looking as I describe him.

He looks like somewhat of a teacher, and scientist, probably even someone I would gladly listen to in real life because he radiates off this authority and knowledge, but... HELL... I’ve experienced such a bad, disgusting part of this person; I probably will never ever be able to not see darkness in every human I meet.

I don’t want him to think what he obviously thinks about me, about Jay and me, and... about him and me. I have to find a way out of here. I have to get away from him. Literally, I am a helpless fly in his web, I have to become something that is able to break free from him, or at least get help from someone, someone stronger, someone like Jay.

I didn’t want to ask for anything, but Spider-White wanted to know. So I asked for a yoga mat. Not that I do yoga, but I could workout in my room a little. He approved of it, in a not so creepy way. If he just knew that I need that mat so that I don’t hurt myself crawling into the vent. I can’t believe that I write everything inside here. What if they read it? But it seems like they don’t for now, because the screws are still loose, just like mine, since I’m actually planning on trying this.

I’m worried about Jay, even more now that White hasn’t dropped a word about him, and I really expected him to go all explanatory on me again, and show me how much I actually don’t know, and how stupid this makes me appear. Instead of going to him, they took me to the gym again. I tried to find anything that I might be able to sneak into my room as a tool, but there is absolutely nothing, only towels and the equipment. Even if there was something there I could use, they would notice it missing, and of course they would know that it was me.

It’s just me, right? Am I really that stupid, believing that I am the only one taken for this? If there are others like Jay then there have to be others like me. Maybe I can find them? Maybe we can work together?

No... I cannot trust anyone. It’s sad, it’s upsetting, but it is true. I have already changed so much being here, I probably would try to use someone to improve my position. ... Maybe I should.

Peter... No Peter either. I can’t say how I feel about him. Maybe he was just following orders, maybe he really likes me. However, White used him against me and Peter is after all his associate, so... can I use him against White?

I need to know how Jay is. Still, it’s so strange calling him that, because I really don’t know if that’s his true name or if Spider-White just tricked me. But calling him Ten is just as bad. It’s definitely the name or number White has given him. I would prefer the name Jay would give me over the one White would. So Jay...

I fear they are still punishing him, because of me, because of me being so careless. I need to see him. So, I’ll take a stroll, tonight, after they have checked on me. My iPod will be my watch so that I’ll return at 2/2:30 to my room. Just to be sure.