The Battle Within (3 page)

She knew him. She really knew
almost
everything there was to know about him including his fears and crazy hang-ups. That gave him a certain amount of…comfort.

April was the first person besides Jason that he opened up to. In spite of all the darkness that surrounded him, April still loved him. Yes, she’d left him, but unlike his mother, she came back. So, he owed it to her to be honest. Or, as honest as he could be.

Franklin opened her door; lovingly she smiled as she slid inside. He went around to his side, opened the door and got in too.

Hesitantly, April touched his arm, “It felt almost like old times in there right?”

He graced her with an all too rarely seen smile, “It was…nice.”

“Maybe we could…go back to your place for a while.” There was no mistaking the look in her eyes or the meaning behind it. They hadn’t been intimate since reconnecting and exploring the possibility of a reconciliation. April was pretty conservative, so this was going to be the closest she’d ever come to initiating intimacy between them.

He missed how uninhibited he’d been with…NO. Franklin would not allow his mind to drift to her. He’d made his decision, and it was best for both of them. But, every now and then,
she
still crept into his thoughts.

Franklin gripped the steering wheel as he pulled the car out of the parking lot and headed toward the ocean. His palms were damp, “Actually, I was hoping we could take a little drive over to the beach. Maybe we could get out, walk…and talk.”

What he needed to say would affect the direction of their relationship. In this moment, his anxiety was similar to the morning he’d discovered his mother had left and was never coming back.

The disappointment was evident in her eyes. But, before they went any further, they
had
to talk.

April unsuccessfully tried to hide the sting of rejection, “The beach? That’s different. You were never much for going to the beach. Is that something you did with
her
?”

He looked straight ahead not quite sure how to respond. They had never actually discussed Sandy and April most assuredly wouldn’t like the truth.

They weren’t going to discuss her tonight either. Franklin had tucked his feelings for Sandy into a safe place deep within his heart, and that’s where she was going to stay.

Instead, he took a different approach, “You were right about so many things. One of them being my ability or inability to focus on anything other than business. While, I’m still a work in the process, I’ve learned that sitting on the sand, listening to the waves gently roll ashore in the quiet of the night is a great place to think…and relax.”

April was starting to feel a bit uneasy and wondered just how serious his relationship had been with Sandra Catchings?

She’d noticed changes in him ever since she’d come back into his life some were subtle, but others were more pronounced.

Maybe Sandra had meant more to him than he was willing to admit, and that’s what he wanted to discuss. April was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. She didn’t miss the fact that Franklin never actually answered her question. However, she would let it go…for now.

Another thought occurred to her. What if that wasn’t it all? Had he found out the real reason she’d broken off their engagement? Impossible. However, there was always the possibility.

Both of them were deep in thought as they drove along in silence until arriving at the beach.

April’s anxiousness caused her to blurt out her thoughts, “If you’re going to tell me that you don’t want to see me anymore…just tell me. Tell me right here and now.”

Franklin turned to her, “That’s not why I brought you here.”

They held each other’s gazes as she caressed his cheek with her fingertips, “Then, what are your eyes trying to say to me?” At that moment she knew. He was going to tell her.

He spoke, “Come on. Let’s get out and walk.”

They got out of the car. Franklin took off his jacket and wrapped it around her sleeveless shoulders, “It’s a little chilly out.”

As they walked toward the beach, April’s kitten heels got caught on a rock, and she almost rolled her ankle. She grabbed hold of Franklin’s arm before completely losing her balance, “Dammit! Couldn't you have found another place for us to talk? I’m going to kill myself on this surface in these shoes.”

Franklin was a little disappointed that April wasn’t really in the mood for him to share a special place and this moment with her. But, it was now or never. “Why don’t you take off your shoes? It might be easier.”

“I’m not taking off my shoes…”

He swept her off of her feet and into his arms before she could utter another word, “Better?”

Another change but most assuredly welcomed. Franklin wasn’t spontaneous, and he certainly didn’t sweep women off of their feet. A slow smile spread across her face as she put her arms around his neck, “Much better.”

They walked closer toward the water. Gently, he sat her down on the sand like she was the most precious jewel on earth before sitting down next to her. “Are you comfortable?”

April nodded.

“Warm enough?”

She nodded again.

Franklin pulled his knees up and rested his elbows on them as he looked out over the water. It almost looked as if it were dancing as it glistened from the light of the moon.

He took a deep breath, “It really is amazing here. Are you sure you don’t want to get more comfortable and take off your shoes?”

April wasn’t as relaxed as she pretended. She had her suspicions, but she wanted to know what was going on with him. “No, I'm all right.” Beaches were nice on television, but the sand on her skin gave her the creepy crawlies. However, she would endure this for as long as necessary.

Inwardly, she smiled because Franklin wasn’t a romantic at heart, and neither was she, honestly. However, he was making an effort. But, the next time he decided to bring her to a beach, she hoped he would at least remember to bring a blanket. The fitted black cocktail dress she was wearing was sure to allow sand to get into all kinds of unwanted places.

April stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed them at the ankles. She expelled a breath, wishing he’d get on with it. But, most of all, hoping she could exhibit just the right amount of shock.

His voice startled her out of her thoughts. Showtime.

“Are you sure you’re warm enough?”

Whispering in the dark, she responded, “Yes, I’m fine…just worried about you.”

It was silent for another few moments as he continued to stare out over the waters. Finally, he spoke, “You know…you know me better than most people. You’ve had a chance to peek into my soul and yet, you’re still here…sitting next to me.”

He turned to her as his heart beat a mile a minute, “April…I know you’ve said that you broke off our engagement because I was a workaholic. I’m working on that. You also said things were moving way to fast for you. But, for some reason, I just think there was more to it. Why did you actually leave me?” He whispered, “Were you afraid of me?”

In a split second, April decided to let Franklin believe that. It was better than the alternative. She looked away, “Franklin, can’t we just let it go. I’m right where I want to be, and I’ll be here for as long as you want me to.”

He reached out, cupped her chin in his hands, and turned her face toward his, “It’s important to
me
. I need to know that you know; I would never have proposed if I thought for one second there was the slightest chance I would hurt you…or any woman for that matter. I am not what my father once was, April.”

“I know that…
now
. I just got scared and needed some time to think. But, I missed you the entire time we were apart. I made a terrible mistake. It’s as clear as day that you are not Matthew Roth. And, I want you…us back.”

It hurt him to know that for even one second, she thought he could hurt her. However, he couldn’t blame her…not really. He went on, “If you really mean that, then there is something else you need to know.”

“Whatever it is…I don’t care.”

Franklin could no longer hold her gaze. He released her chin and looked out over the water again. “April, so much has changed since you left.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“I don’t mean to.” The moment was now. He had to tell her
now
before he lost the nerve. He took a deep breath, “April, I won’t ever be able to marry or have children.”

This was definitely it. He was about to tell her, and her future depended on being able to pull off an Oscar-worthy performance. Eyes wide, she drew her knees up to her chest, “What? Why? What’s going on, Franklin?”

“You know that I’ve always had trouble sleeping after my mother left. My dreams as a child were unpleasant, but things got considerably worse in my early twenties. However, for a time they calmed down. Over the last few years, my dreams have become progressively worse. Sometimes, I can’t tell if the things I see or hear are dreams at all. So, I went to see someone. April, I have an illness that will become worse with time.” His voice was thick with emotion, “It’s possible that it could get to a point where I won’t even be able to take care of myself. There is no way I can’t burden a wife and child with that.”

“No! No…I don’t believe that. I…I…can’t. Have you received a second opinion? Have you been to any of the doctors at Advocate Memorial? I…I could talk to my father. They can help you. I know it!”

An empty laugh escaped him, “I’ve had second and third opinions. Ironically, the initial diagnosis was from Advocate. I’ve been seeing someone there for a while now.”

She buried her head in her hands, “Who? What doctor?”

“Dr. Leslie Caprice.”

Neither of them spoke. Franklin couldn’t help thinking that the sound of the waves rolling onto the shore was like a lifeline. He also knew having this exact conversation with Sandy would have been a thousand times worse.

“There has to be something else we can do?”

Franklin reached out as if to pull her into his arms, but pulled back. “There’s nothing anyone can do. You’re the first person I’ve told. I wanted you to know so you could make an informed decision about the type of relationship you want to have with me. You have to know if we go any further, our relationship cannot include marriage or children.”

Tears shimmered in her eyes, as she looked deeply into his and touched his cheek, “Franklin, I want you. I want to be here for you, and I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”

She touched his heart. It felt as if he’d been waiting a lifetime for someone to say those exact words.

Chapter
3

Present day…

Franklin tossed and turned most of the night unable to shut off his thoughts. The conversation earlier with April had unnerved him more than usual. He flipped over again until he lay flat on his back with his arm thrown over his face deep in thought.

Was April really expecting marriage and kids? They’d discussed it in detail two years ago on the beach before they reconciled. She knew damn well why that wasn’t possible. Nothing’s changed so why was she pushing the issue?

He was committed to her in a way he’d never been committed to anyone. No, their passion wasn’t earth shattering but it was enough. And, more than he deserved.

For a moment, anger for feeling cheated out of life bubbled to the surface. Franklin never complained about being dealt a shitty hand, but it hurt like hell knowing he’d never have the kind of love and family as Jason.

Franklin spent most of his life terrified he’d become Matthew Roth. All the statistics supported him repeating his father’s abuse. But, statistics didn’t make something true. When he’d proposed to April, it was only after he’d gone through an extensive amount of counseling and felt confident he’d make better choices. He was Franklin Roth, not Matthew.

April had been there for him while he did the work to become a complete person and didn’t deserve this. His head was so full it might just explode. What he wouldn’t give for a few hours of mindlessness or better still, sleep.

Franklin turned his head and glanced at the clock for what was probably the hundredth time. He’d been awake for at least an hour, and it was now 4 AM. Sleep wasn’t going to find him so he figured he might as well get up and use that energy productively.

The sun hadn’t even risen when he’d left home. A half an hour later, he found himself at the gym. There was a woman on a bike, another on a treadmill, and a man on the free weights. Otherwise, the place was almost empty. However, it was still ridiculously early but would soon fill up in a few hours.

There was something about a gym. Ever since John Rutherford had shown him a way to channel his emotions through physical fitness, the gym had become a safe haven of sorts, a place he could go to clear his mind. The musky smell surrounding him even the thick moisture in the air was welcome.

Franklin took his gloves out of his gym bag before securing it in the locker room. He spent about twenty minutes warming up before he went over to the boxing bag. Standing about two-three feet away with his hands up in a fight position, he exploded forward with a jab. One…two…one…two…jab…cross punch. Jab…jab…punch.

At some point, he’d taken off his shirt. Every time he jabbed those washboard abs tightened. His chorded muscles glistened as he worked until his entire body was drenched in sweat. It was as if someone poured a bucket of water all over him.

Franklin was so focused that he barely noticed when someone came over to hold his bag.

Glancing up to find that it was Jason. He stopped almost mid-punch and dropped his arms to his side as he tried to even out his breathing. “What’s up? Surprised to see you here. I didn’t think anyone could pry you away from Vicky and the baby.”

Jason couldn’t keep the happiness off of his face, “Believe me, I didn’t want to leave. I left them sleeping, so I’m trying to get in a quick workout before they wake up.” His smile faded a bit as he rubbed his chin, “I haven’t seen you work out like this since college. Something on your mind?”