The Atonement Child (13 page)

“That’s not what I’m doing, sir.”

“No? Well, I’ve seen it happen before. A bright student with a scholarship and great potential arrives; she meets the man of her dreams, gets engaged, and her education flies right out the window. I’m not against matrimony, mind you, or a woman wanting to be a wife and mother. What I am against is waste. God has given you gifts, Miss Carey, special gifts. It’s your responsibility to make the most of them.”

“I’ll try, sir,” she said, feeling acutely his disappointment in her. “I’ll try harder.”

“Don’t try, Miss Carey. Do it. You have the rest of the semester to bring that grade up. I hope you won’t disappoint me.” He stood and slid the chair back toward his desk. “You’re dismissed.”

Dynah stood outside the classroom doorway, her stomach twisted in a hard knot. Trembling, she glanced at her wristwatch again. Shifting her book bag, she headed down the corridor and out of the brick building. She stood between the marble columns, looking out at the quad.

She was five minutes late getting to the dean’s office. He looked annoyed despite her apology. “Sit down, please, Miss Carey,” he said, indicating a wingback chair in front of his massive mahogany desk. As she set her book bag down and took the proffered chair, he pressed the intercom button and told his secretary that he wasn’t to be disturbed. Dynah waited, her heart drumming with foreboding.

Dean Abernathy took his seat and leaned forward, arms resting on his desk, his fingers tapping together lightly. “This is difficult,” he said grimly, his brows knit.

“I know my grades have fallen, Dean Abernathy. I’m hoping to change that since changing jobs. I have more time to study now.”

“I didn’t call you here to discuss your grades, Miss Carey,” he said solemnly, “but your condition.”

Her head came up, eyes wide.

“It’s come to my attention recently—” he lowered his hands—“that you’re pregnant.”

Her face went hot with humiliation.

“I know the circumstances,” he said quickly, raising his hands slightly to appease any distress she might have. “And I’m much aggrieved about it. But we still need to face the possible ramifications.”

Ramifications? Shutting her eyes, she lowered her head. “Who told you?”

“Ethan,” he said grimly. “I assure you, he didn’t volunteer the information easily. He didn’t want to tell me, but it came out during our appointment yesterday morning. I’d noticed a drop in his performance and wanted to find out what was the matter. He’s been at the top of his class since entering NLC. A number of men on the board of trustees have been watching his progress with great interest, as have I. I think Ethan will be one of our most persuasive preachers one day. If nothing distracts his focus, he will continue to do well. When I asked him what had happened to his concentration, he made excuses. That isn’t like him, and they didn’t satisfy. I pressed.” He sighed heavily. “I’m almost sorry now he told me, because it’s put me in a painfully awkward position.”

She clasped her hands tightly; the room felt cold and filled with shadows.

“He’s very distressed about what happened to you,” Dean Abernathy said with sympathy. “As I’m sure you are as well, Dynah. And I’m sympathetic; believe me I am.”

She raised her head and looked at him, sensing what was to come.

“Unfortunately I can’t change the rules, and they are very clear. Any young woman found to be pregnant is immediately removed from enrollment at NLC. I’ve little choice in the matter, unless you want me to go before the board of trustees and tell all the details of what’s happened to you.”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. You’ve suffered enough humiliation already.”

“Am I being expelled?” she said weakly, crushed at the unfairness of it.

“That’s the last thing I’d call it, Dynah, but you can’t stay on here unless you agree to publicly expose what’s happened. Unless you’re able to do that, I’ll have to ask you to withdraw from school. I won’t have any choice in the matter.”

What was he saying? That she would have to stand before a general assembly and tell everyone she was raped? Then people might feel some compassion for her condition.

And how many would feel as Ethan did, that what she carried was an abomination?

“Please try to understand,” he went on gently, leaning forward. “If only a few of your closest friends know of the circumstances of your pregnancy, what’s going to be the common assumption on this campus? That you and Ethan have committed fornication, and NLC has condoned it by allowing you to remain as a student here. Can you see the potential problems? All manner of difficulties could arise from it. We don’t want people to get the wrong message.”

No, of course not. She understood. They might be titillated. Then they might commit a sin, and it would be her fault. “What about Ethan?” Would he be asked to leave as well? It would destroy him.

“Ethan’s not to blame for this. I’m going to work with him over the next two months. I’ve taken personal interest in his career since he was a sophomore, and I don’t want to see his opportunities diminished by this tragedy. He’s agreed to see one of our campus counselors on a biweekly basis, and I think that will help. We’ll do everything we can to help him get his studies back on track again.”

It wasn’t what she was asking, but it answered questions she hadn’t even thought to ask. The disparity struck her heart. Ethan’s not to blame for this. Was she?

“Ethan wants me to have an abortion, Dean Abernathy,” she said before she thought better of it, reacting from hurt and self-preservation. Ethan, the chosen one, righteous and blameless before the Lord.

“Yes, I know.”

When Dean Abernathy said no more, Dynah searched his face. She saw something in his expression that filled her with confusion.

“NLC doesn’t condone abortion,” Dean Abernathy said slowly, choosing his words carefully. “I understand why Ethan feels as he does. I imagine I would feel the same way under the circumstances. You and Ethan are both well aware of our stand on this issue, though the hard cases are seldom discussed.”

He leaned back, as though withdrawing from her as far as possible. “We can hope, however. Sometimes God and nature are merciful in these matters.” He hesitated and then continued, looking straight at her. “If you were to miscarry, no one would ever know what happened.”

Unless Ethan decided to tell them,
came the unbidden thought.

“Should I pray I miscarry?” She wondered if Dean Abernathy was aware of the subtle pressures he was bringing to bear upon her. If she wasn’t pregnant, she could stay; if she was, she had to leave. And if she came to him and informed him the pregnancy was over, he wouldn’t ask how it happened. And no one need ever know what happened to her.

“God knows the desires of our heart.”

She frowned, confused and heartsick. Was he saying that abortion was the easier and most reasonable way, but if she chose it, he didn’t want to know about it? As long as she was unpregnant, she could continue as before?

Ethan. His concerns were focused on Ethan. He was worried about how all this affected Ethan’s schooling and Ethan’s career and Ethan’s service to the Lord. It was Ethan’s future that mattered. Not hers.

I’m expendable.

Lowering her head, she clasped her hands. She wasn’t being fair. It wasn’t that she didn’t matter at all; it was that she mattered less. She didn’t have the gifts Ethan did, gifts that might expand the Kingdom and bring people to the Lord. She was just an ordinary girl. Nothing special.

“Pray as your heart leads you, Dynah,” Dean Abernathy said. She met his gaze and saw sympathy there, but resignation as well. She understood. He felt he had no choice. He had to think of what was best for the majority. He had to think of NLC’s reputation. “And may God’s will be done.”

A platitude to salve her wounds. He couldn’t possibly know how much those words hurt her.

When Dean Abernathy stood, Dynah knew the interview was over. Gathering her book bag, she stood as well. He approached with all the appearance of a concerned father, but she felt his hand on her back, firmly guiding her to the door. “Let me know what you decide,” he said, opening it for her. “I’ll hold you in my daily prayers.”

“Thank you,” she said, giving the appropriate rote response.

She already knew what she was going to do.

Ethan was waiting for her in the student union, a theology book open in front of him, a cup of herbal tea beside his notes. He was so intent upon his studies that he didn’t notice her until she was standing beside the table. His eyes flickered, faint color stealing into his face as he stood and drew back a chair for her. “Do you want some tea?”

“No, thank you.”

“Why don’t you put your book bag down?”

“I’m not staying long.” Beneath the edge of the table, she worked at the ring on her finger. As soon as it slipped off, she set it on the table between them.

Ethan stared at it and then looked at her. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m breaking our engagement.” She hadn’t expected to see the shock or wounded look in his eyes, nor the relief mingled with hurt. He was as confused as she was, but she knew what she was doing was best for them both.

“Dynah, I’m sorry I told Dean Abernathy. I was upset. Can’t you try to understand and forgive me? When he told me what was at stake, I—”

“It’s not something you can hide forever, Ethan,” she said, absolving him yet again of guilt.

Everyone receives absolution but me, God.

Ethan covered the ring with his hand and tucked it quickly into his blazer pocket out of sight. “I’ll keep it until you’re ready to take it back.”

“I won’t take it back.”

“Can’t we work this out?”

“No, we can’t, Ethan. The only way things would work is if I was willing to do what you want me to do. And I’m not.” She shook her head, looking down at her bare hand. Her throat closed hot and tight. She hadn’t known him well enough, or maybe she had. Maybe she had just expected too much of him.

If she stayed any longer, she would make matters worse by crying and giving everyone around them something to wonder and talk about and him more cause for embarrassment. Shifting her book bag, she stepped back.

“Stay, Dynah. Please. Talk to me.”

It was too late for talk. “There’s no point. Nothing’s going to change.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“I’m going home.”

One phone call to Dean Abernathy and a few hours to pack her things was all the time it took to end her life at NLC. She knew she should call Joe and say good-bye, but she took the easy way out and wrote a note to him instead. She put it in an envelope and stamped it. She’d drop it in the mailbox on her way out of town.

“If my mom calls, don’t tell her anything. I’ll be home in a week, and they’ll know all about it then. Promise?”

“I promise,” Janet said grimly. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? Couldn’t you think about—?”

“No.”

“It would all be so much easier if you—”

“No, it wouldn’t. Jan, even if I do have an abortion, it’s not going to change my feelings. Ethan and I are through.”

“He loves you, Dynah. I know he does. It’d work out. It would.”

At what cost? “I love him, too, but it’s not enough. It’s just not.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust him anymore. And if you can’t trust someone, you can’t build any kind of lasting relationship with them.”
Like God,
she thought, aching inside. She didn’t trust Him anymore either.

Closing her suitcase, she locked it and swung it off the bed onto the floor. “I’ve got to go.” She wanted to be as far away from NLC by nightfall as she could be.

Oh, God, what are my parents going to say when they hear? What am I going to tell them?

She would have time enough to think about that on the long drive home to California.