The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas (24 page)

1.
Because forty-two, as explained in
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
, is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. If you haven’t yet read it, you might want to buy it along with this book (although the salesclerk may then think you only buy books with the title format
The ____ Guide to ____
)
.

2.
This survey was entirely made up, by me, for the purposes of making a glib point.

3.
Precise details of this section of this conversation were unavailable at the time of going to press.

4.
Pennheisner, 1954. See also, “Have We Forgotten to Remember Not to Forget that We Never Knew the True Meaning of Christmas?”
Daily Mail
, December 12, 1999–present.

5.
No really accurate way of measuring Christmassiness was developed until the 1970s, and Gernhard’s results are riddled with false positives from children approaching a birthday, wearing new sweaters, etc. It was also not yet understood that orphans have a naturally high level of Yule, a factor that today’s researchers adjust for statistically.

6.
A true product of his time, Gernhard’s first thought was that some of the children might be ghosts, but close questioning of the parents ruled this out.

7.
The original bearded men were mainly Orthodox Jews, and it was felt that a fresh batch might make the experiment more pleasant to conduct. Gernhard’s notebooks record that “the Jews are becoming irritable,” and the atmosphere worsened by week two, when the purpose of the experiments was explained to them.

8.
Not a white beard, as that will make the image Christmassy.

9.
Not to be confused with the Tim Allen comedy movie of the same name.

10.
As an aside to demonstrate a real-world application of Christmasology, the cave variable dogged Osama bin Laden throughout his later years. No matter how threatening his rhetoric, once his beard had started to gray the image of him in a cave would make viewers of his videos feel Christmassy—almost the exact opposite of his intention.

11.
Not to be confused with Christmasomedicology, which is a branch of medicine.

12.
Not to be confused with Christmasodermatology, which is a subfield of Christmasomedicology.

13.
Except Christmas robots, of course.

14.
Probably after Isaac Newton.

15.
I Smell Christmas: The Donald Maygeorge Story
, by Colin Harper.

16.
Even a common Walsh
repressor will do.

17.
Wenceslas green, which lies halfway between red and white.

18.
Although Neptune is a very close second, for reasons that puzzle Christmastronomers.

19.
It is Hapsail Turkey Scarfnice, a computer-designed name expected to be as popular as Andrew by the year 2023.

20.
Pennheisner, 1954. See also “Have We Forgotten to Remember Not to Forget That We Never Knew the True Meaning of Christmas?”
Daily Mail
, December 12, 1999–present. See also the present article.

21.
To take two examples, the stag that somehow managed to get into the office of the chief engineer, intone the word “no,” then burst into flame, and the penguins that took flight and appear to have left Earth’s atmosphere can both probably be explained by unusual electromagnetic fields around the collider.

22.
Deuteronomy 22:11.

23.
Richard Dawkins,
The Blind Watchmaker
(New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1986).

24.
United States Code, Title V, Section 6103(a).

25.
Gibson was likely referring to Saturnalia, the ancient Roman festival that honored the Roman god Saturn. Beginning on December 17 and lasting a full seven days, Romans gathered with family, exchanged gifts, ate, drank, and were merry.

26.
I’m not exactly certain what a “professional atheist” is; however, this makes us sound as though we are incredibly organized, well-dressed, and hold meetings the first Tuesday of every month with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.

27.
Colbert, by the way, is not an atheist. A devout Roman Catholic, he attends church and teaches Sunday school.

28.
This was the first Christmas card I created, back when I was a fourteen-year-old atheist. I was a very bad kid.

29.
See Mel Gibson’s
Passion of the Christ.