The Amish Way (25 page)
Authors: Donald B. Kraybill,Steven M. Nolt,David L. Weaver-Zercher
In the months that followed their son’s fatal snowmobile accident, Aaron and Mary Ann wrestled with their grief and sense of loss. When Aaron saw some of Mervin’s friends at a restaurant, he confessed to getting a “numb and weak” feeling. “And then I wonder why [Mervin died]?”
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For people like Aaron who have lost loved ones, especially children or youth, praying “Thy will be done” does not suppress sorrow or banish the grief that accompanies death. To ease the pain, Amish people practice a number of grief rituals that publicly acknowledge death and provide emotional support for survivors.
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For people like Aaron who have lost loved ones, especially children or youth, praying “Thy will be done” does not suppress sorrow or banish the grief that accompanies death. To ease the pain, Amish people practice a number of grief rituals that publicly acknowledge death and provide emotional support for survivors.
Some who have unexpectedly lost a loved one gather each summer at what the Amish call the “ Sudden Death Reunion.” The gathering rotates among Amish communities across the country, and hundreds of people attend. The program mixes hymn singing with formal and informal sharing, as people tell their stories and console one another. “I have been comforted by seeing people comfort each other,” one man said when attending the gathering for the first time.
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In most communities, women wear black when they appear in public after a relative’s death. The length of time depends on their relationship to the person who died. This mourning dress allows others, even those they don’t know well and who might not have heard of their loss, to respond caringly and offer words or gestures of comfort.
Visiting and sending personal notes after a death are strong traditions. Families that experience death can expect dozens of visitors in the weeks that follow and visitors every Sunday afternoon for at least a year. Sometimes guests simply sit in silence with the grieving, but often they listen, allowing family members to tell and retell stories of the departed and the account of the accident or final illness. Thirty-two families visited Aaron and Mary Ann Beiler on the first Sunday after Mervin’s death, and at least twenty-five people visited each day for the following two weeks. With relatives, neighbors, or the visitors themselves providing the grieving family with meals, receiving so many guests is not seen as a burden but a blessing.
In the months after Mervin’s death, the Beilers also received more than a thousand cards, with notes of encouragement from Amish friends across the country and from people they had never met. “Mail time was such a high time for me,” Aaron said. On the first anniversary of Mervin’s death, Aaron and Mary Ann received thirty-eight cards and numerous bouquets of flowers. “My, oh my, we are so blessed, Lord, to live in a loving community like this. . . . Friends and neighbors are bringing supper tonight for us.”
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And yet the Beilers continued to feel the ache of loss and honestly struggled with their grief. Aaron processed his feelings through writing, another grief ritual common in Amish circles. “Hello, hello Mervin,” he wrote, five months after his son’s death, “I just have to talk with you. This is Sunday evening and church was here today. I have such mixed feelings. . . . Oh your friends, Mervin, you just would not believe the support they showed today.”
Later Aaron wrote, “We know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord. So what’s wrong here? Who am I angry at? . . . Maybe I’m angry because I’m tired of crying. I cry so many tears . . . Lord, please help me. Please, God understand me. No, I’m not mad at you, but what’s wrong here? Please take my anger away dear Lord. . . . Please help me, Lord.”
The Beilers’ feelings were complicated by the fact that, as a baptized member, their son should not have been riding a snowmobile, an activity discouraged by the church. One of the ministers in Aaron and Mary Ann’s
Gmay
shouldered some of the responsibility, confessing to them that he had not confronted Mervin when he had heard, indirectly, about the upcoming Wyoming trip. The minister told Aaron and Mary Ann that he forgave Mervin’s transgression and believed that God would forgive Mervin, too.
Gmay
shouldered some of the responsibility, confessing to them that he had not confronted Mervin when he had heard, indirectly, about the upcoming Wyoming trip. The minister told Aaron and Mary Ann that he forgave Mervin’s transgression and believed that God would forgive Mervin, too.
Human forgiveness and trust in a loving God are themes that surface in Amish discussions of sorrow, whatever its source. “God sees to it that the pain we go through does not get wasted. It is for our own ultimate good,” affirmed Ben Blank, as he grieved the death of Annie, his wife of fifty-three years.
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In a letter to Aaron and Mary Ann, Ben shared that during Annie’s last year of life she had spent a lot of time in the waiting rooms of doctors’ offices. She used the time to strike up conversations with people sitting next to her, some of whom found it difficult to wait patiently.
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In a letter to Aaron and Mary Ann, Ben shared that during Annie’s last year of life she had spent a lot of time in the waiting rooms of doctors’ offices. She used the time to strike up conversations with people sitting next to her, some of whom found it difficult to wait patiently.
“She would remark to me later [that] she felt her life here was like living in heaven’s waiting room,” Ben says. “She wanted to make the best of her time here until the door opens and her name is called to come in. She never showed a fear of death because she believed in a God of love.”
Annie’s way—the Amish way—had nurtured her faith through a lifetime of patient practice. This fact didn’t erase Ben’s sorrow at the loss of his wife. It did, however, couple that grief with profound hope and trust.
Part IV
Amish Faith and the Rest of Us
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The Things That Matter
What I had been looking for was the calm and focus
I felt when I was with the Amish doing the dishes.
—SUE BENDER
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Q
uilts are the reason that Sue Bender, a middle-aged artist and therapist with two graduate degrees, ended up doing dishes with the Amish. Having stumbled upon some Amish quilts in a Long Island clothing store, Bender was so taken by their colors and design that she resolved to meet the people who made them, hoping to find something to fill the “starved place” in her soul. In
Plain and Simple: A Woman’s Journey to the Amish
, Bender recounts her life-changing experiences in Iowa and Ohio, where she lived first with the Yoders and then with the Beilers. Although never tempted to become Amish herself, Bender insists at the end of her journey that her time with the Amish had transformed her in profound ways. “Through them I am learning not to rush through life in order to get the goodies,” she writes. “Their way of life delivers the goods, and that is quite different.”
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uilts are the reason that Sue Bender, a middle-aged artist and therapist with two graduate degrees, ended up doing dishes with the Amish. Having stumbled upon some Amish quilts in a Long Island clothing store, Bender was so taken by their colors and design that she resolved to meet the people who made them, hoping to find something to fill the “starved place” in her soul. In
Plain and Simple: A Woman’s Journey to the Amish
, Bender recounts her life-changing experiences in Iowa and Ohio, where she lived first with the Yoders and then with the Beilers. Although never tempted to become Amish herself, Bender insists at the end of her journey that her time with the Amish had transformed her in profound ways. “Through them I am learning not to rush through life in order to get the goodies,” she writes. “Their way of life delivers the goods, and that is quite different.”
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Bender is not alone in thinking that the Amish have goods to offer others. Secure beliefs, serene lives, contentment, supportive communities—all these things and many more have been identified as the rare and precious currency of Amish life.
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The Amish themselves do not trumpet these virtues, nor do they advise the world on how to get them. Because they are more interested in living faithfully than in fixing the world around them, they have left it to outsiders to decide whether the Amish way holds relevance for the rest of us.
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The Amish themselves do not trumpet these virtues, nor do they advise the world on how to get them. Because they are more interested in living faithfully than in fixing the world around them, they have left it to outsiders to decide whether the Amish way holds relevance for the rest of us.
To be honest, we’re a bit uneasy about attempting to patch up modern life by sewing on a few Amish values. The chasm between the Amish way and most of our ways is vast. Is it really possible, as one book claims, to “capture the simple peace of the Amish in your own life”?
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At the same time, throughout history people have borrowed many things—texts, principles, and practices—from other cultures and faiths in a sincere attempt to improve their lives. Even the Amish borrowed “Rules of a Godly Life” from eighteenth-century Lutherans, and some of them read Rick Warren today. If the Amish can do it, why can’t we?
When outsiders mention what they admire in Amish life, they often list benefits that are enmeshed with what we’ve called Amish spirituality. Are these benefits just imagined? Some of them are, or at least they’re overglorified. We know unhappy Amish people and have heard stories of discontented folks who left Amish life for the English world. Still, there are real benefits of Amish life that pull others toward them.
One benefit in the eyes of some outsiders is a
secure faith
: Amish people know what they believe, live their lives with conviction, and spend little time fretting over big theological questions. Of course, not every Amish person demonstrates this sort of steadfastness, but most of them do. Even teenagers, who sometimes test worldly lifestyles during
Rumspringa
, rarely abandon basic Amish beliefs about God, the church, and the Christian life. And it’s common for people who are born Amish but never join the church to claim some Amish values.
secure faith
: Amish people know what they believe, live their lives with conviction, and spend little time fretting over big theological questions. Of course, not every Amish person demonstrates this sort of steadfastness, but most of them do. Even teenagers, who sometimes test worldly lifestyles during
Rumspringa
, rarely abandon basic Amish beliefs about God, the church, and the Christian life. And it’s common for people who are born Amish but never join the church to claim some Amish values.
Many observers also see
serenity
in the Amish way, a peacefulness they often contrast to their own lives. In
Plain and Simple
, for example, Bender confesses the frenzy that she felt on a daily basis. To her, the Amish were the opposite: even their quilts exuded a sense of calm. Bender’s book may be unique in its candor, but many others also sense a tranquility in Amish life. “When it comes to living with an abiding peace,” writes one author, “they are far beyond most of us living a frazzled, fast-paced modern life.”
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serenity
in the Amish way, a peacefulness they often contrast to their own lives. In
Plain and Simple
, for example, Bender confesses the frenzy that she felt on a daily basis. To her, the Amish were the opposite: even their quilts exuded a sense of calm. Bender’s book may be unique in its candor, but many others also sense a tranquility in Amish life. “When it comes to living with an abiding peace,” writes one author, “they are far beyond most of us living a frazzled, fast-paced modern life.”
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A recent study suggests that this view is more than nostalgia for rural life. When researchers asked Amish and non-Amish women if they felt “overloaded,” 50 percent of the Amish women reported no stress in their lives, compared to 35 percent of non-Amish women living in the same region.
p
In fact, more than three times as many non-Amish women reported feeling moderate or severe stress as Amish women did. According to this study, lower stress among Amish women stemmed from factors ranging from finances to friendships to family relationships. For instance, nearly three times as many non-Amish women felt significant stress in their friendships, and over five times as many experienced stress related to food, shelter, and health care as Amish women.
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p
In fact, more than three times as many non-Amish women reported feeling moderate or severe stress as Amish women did. According to this study, lower stress among Amish women stemmed from factors ranging from finances to friendships to family relationships. For instance, nearly three times as many non-Amish women felt significant stress in their friendships, and over five times as many experienced stress related to food, shelter, and health care as Amish women.
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Along with being secure and serene, the Amish strike many outsiders as
content
.This judgment, fostered by picture-perfect images of one-room schools, sturdy Amish farmers, and happy Amish children, can be overdrawn. Some aspects of one-room schooling may be attractive, but probably not the lack of indoor plumbing. Farming is hard work, frequently dangerous, and economically perilous. Rates of depression in some Amish communities run about even with those in the United States as a whole, and there are also cases of sexual abuse.
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content
.This judgment, fostered by picture-perfect images of one-room schools, sturdy Amish farmers, and happy Amish children, can be overdrawn. Some aspects of one-room schooling may be attractive, but probably not the lack of indoor plumbing. Farming is hard work, frequently dangerous, and economically perilous. Rates of depression in some Amish communities run about even with those in the United States as a whole, and there are also cases of sexual abuse.
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But although it’s possible to exaggerate Amish contentment, it does seem that many Amish people have satisfying lives. Their own writings often list contentment as a by-product of plain living, which the study of Amish women confirms. For instance, 95 percent of Amish women said they enjoyed life most of the time, compared to 80 percent of non-Amish women. Fewer Amish women felt sad, fewer experienced crying spells, and fewer felt disliked by others. They also reported sleeping more restfully.
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And if parents’ happiness depends somewhat on seeing their children make choices they can affirm, then Amish parents have a head start on that score, too, because most Amish children join the Amish church.
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And if parents’ happiness depends somewhat on seeing their children make choices they can affirm, then Amish parents have a head start on that score, too, because most Amish children join the Amish church.
A
tight-knit community
is yet another feature of Amish life that appeals to many outsiders. It’s not unusual for an Amish person to have seventy first cousins, with many of them living within a ten- to twenty-mile radius. But it’s not just biological kin who make Amish communities feel like a big family. The
Gmay
, a church where everyone knows your name, offers each person a profound sense of belonging. When asked if they have someone with whom they can share their concerns, Amish women far outpace their non-Amish counterparts. And they express more confidence than non-Amish women that someone will help them if they become sick or incapacitated. They also identify twice as many close friends or family members (ten versus five) with whom they feel at ease.
tight-knit community
is yet another feature of Amish life that appeals to many outsiders. It’s not unusual for an Amish person to have seventy first cousins, with many of them living within a ten- to twenty-mile radius. But it’s not just biological kin who make Amish communities feel like a big family. The
Gmay
, a church where everyone knows your name, offers each person a profound sense of belonging. When asked if they have someone with whom they can share their concerns, Amish women far outpace their non-Amish counterparts. And they express more confidence than non-Amish women that someone will help them if they become sick or incapacitated. They also identify twice as many close friends or family members (ten versus five) with whom they feel at ease.
These four things—security, serenity, contentment, and community—sit atop the list of the virtues many people see in Amish life. At times wistful observers exaggerate them, but we are convinced they are real. Despite Amish aversion to boasting, many of them mention these same qualities when they talk about their way of life. Being Amish is not about seeking a good life, they are quick to say. It’s about honoring God and living lives of obedience. Still, they would add, for those who remain faithful to God, there are blessings on this side of eternity, too.
The blessings of Amish life come with some costs, however. These costs can sometimes be measured in dollars and cents, but more often the purchase price is “giving up” of self. In that sense, the costs of Amish life involve things that most people are reluctant to lose.
The most obvious cost involves giving up self-determination. In the Amish world, the priorities are God, church, family, self—in that order. Given the church’s view on living a godly life, to be Amish means forsaking many opportunities for education, career, lifestyle, and creative expression. Of course, many religious traditions rein in their adherents in certain ways. Rarely, however, does a religious tradition provide such comprehensive ethical guidelines for living. From clothing one’s body to decorating one’s home, from transportation to electronic media, the
Ordnung
touches many facets of life that most Americans, including religious ones, decide entirely on their own.
Ordnung
touches many facets of life that most Americans, including religious ones, decide entirely on their own.
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