The Amish Groom ~ Men of Lancaster County Book 1 (38 page)

“Our last phone call was a disaster, and then my stupid cell died before I had the chance to say goodbye and to tell you that I love you. But I do. I love you so much. And I miss you like crazy.”

She exhaled a sigh, one that felt weighted by more than just air. It was as if she’d been holding in a breath she’d been afraid to let go. In that moment it felt as if all had been restored between us.

“I love you too, Tyler. And I miss
you
like crazy.”

“You do?” I whispered.

“
Ya
. I do.”

We settled into the call and soon were chatting easily, this time with the focus on her end. Rachel caught me up on life in Lancaster County, and with every word, I found myself longing to be home more and more. Best of all, she and I were laughing and talking and getting along as if our last nightmarish phone call had never happened.

“I’ve been to two weddings this week. And both times I had to sit with the poor girls who weren’t chosen by anyone.”

I sat back in the deck chair, grinning like a fool.

“
Gut.
I’m happy to hear it. Though I’m surprised Wally Yoder didn’t ask you to go to the table with him.” Wally was a good friend of mine, but I knew he’d had his eye on the beautiful—and taken—Rachel Hoeck for years.

She was quiet for a moment. “Actually, Tyler, he did. So did Angus Fisher. But I told them no, that just because you were away didn’t mean I was available for courting.”

I swallowed hard, surprised at the impact her words had on me. I had never been the jealous type, but something about the thought of those two guys putting the moves on my girl the moment my back was turned made me a little crazy.

“So am I?” she asked, snapping my mind into focus.

“Are you what?”

“Available for courting?”

I took in a deep breath, wishing I could just will her to understand every single step of this complicated and confusing path I had been on.

“The answer to that is no. Definitely, positively no, you are
not
available for courting.” After a beat, I added, “Unless, of course, you want to be.”

I heard a soft intake of air on the other end of the line—I had caught her by surprise—and then she replied, “No, Tyler. I definitely, positively do not.”

In that moment I wished I could simply fly through the phone, all the way to Pennsylvania, just so I could look into her sparkling blue eyes.

“So what’s going on out there?” she asked. “You sound different. Has something happened?”

I wondered where to start. The last time we talked, I’d told her about the various elements of my quest—the mysterious conflict with Brady, the photography lessons, the word from God that I was to honor others before myself. So I started from there, summarizing all I had seen and done since and explaining how God had been moving in so many ways throughout every circumstance and conversation. I told her what Liz had shared with me the other day, how my mother had spent her years as an
Englischer
longing to return to the Amish world she’d left behind.

At that Rachel sighed. “Oh, Tyler, I’m so sorry for your
mamm
—but so glad you found that out. Don’t you see? It would be the same for you too. I just know it would. If you left for good, you would spend the rest of your life regretting it.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t then. It took even more than that to finally open my eyes.” With mounting excitement, I told her about my experiences yesterday, starting with my lesson being postponed and how I’d wanted to use the time to break into my father’s storage unit and find my mother’s photographs. I told her about the busyness of life out here and my search for a quiet place to pray and my time at the coffee shop. I told her about the puppies and that feeling of always being a visitor.

“Then I went for my final photography lesson, and it all just kind of came together for me there.”

“Oh?”

“
Ya
. First, I realized I was never going to figure out the appeal that picture-taking had for my mother. It’s just not that kind of a process.”

“I could have told you that, even though I’ve never used a camera in my life.”

“I know, I know. But I had to try.”

“I understand.”

“Next, Lark helped me see something important, that every person belongs where they love and are loved.”

“You are loved here, Tyler.”

“I know. But that’s the beauty of it. Because I have love in both places, I can’t lose by living in either one.”

“Oh.” Her tone was hesitant.

I continued quickly, “Not to worry, though, because what I finally came to understand is that the person I most am on the inside—the person God intends me to be—is the Amish Tyler, not the
Englisch
one. Something happened that gave me a real glimpse of myself in the outside world, of me being the man I would have become had my mother not died. And I realized that I didn’t want to be that person. I want to be me. The Amish me. The me I really am.”

Rachel was quiet for a long moment. “I’m so glad to hear that,” she said finally. “You can’t imagine how glad.”

In her voice, I could hear the weeks of uncertainty begin to melt away. “So what happened to make you realize this at last?”

I blinked, speechless, amazed at how I had managed to bumble my way into this one. What could I say now? That the truth had come to me while making out with my photography tutor?

“Does it really matter? The point is, I get it now. Finally. I understand which world I belong in. I
am
Amish, Rachel, and I have been for years. I just need to make it official. I’m ready to join the church and be Amish for the rest of my life. I’m ready for all of it. For…us.”

I wanted her to be happy, but instead she just wouldn’t let it go.

“
Ya
, I understand, but I know you, Tyler. I know this voice. What is it you’re not telling me?”

I exhaled, mentally kicking myself all the while.

“Look, it was just some spur-of-the-moment thing. Stupid, really. What matters is what I realized, not what I was doing when I realized it.”

“Come on, Tyler. I want to understand.”

I blew out a long, slow breath. “Fine. Lark and I kissed, if you have to know. But as soon as we did, it struck me that this guy kissing her was the other Tyler, the one I’ve always seen in the pond—and that
I don’t want to be that guy.
I want to be the one who’s looking
into
the pond, the Amish one. The one who loves you and wants to make a life with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Not surprisingly, she remained quiet. I knew she needed to think over not just the promise of my words but the betrayal of my actions.

“I’m so sorry, Rachel,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have let it happen. I had no business kissing anyone but you. It was just the situation and the timing and all of my confusion and everything. Nothing like that would ever—could ever—happen again. Ever. Please forgive me.”

Still she said nothing. When she finally spoke, her voice sounded distant. Cold.

“I forgive you, Tyler. And I’m happy you have finally decided which world you want. But…”

I waited, taking in a breath and holding it as she continued.

“But now
I
have some thinking to do too.”

“Thinking? About what? About us? About me?”

She sighed heavily. “Tyler, I’ve always thought it was you and me. Forever. Since we were children, you know? But I see now…”

“What? You see what?”

“That it’s different for you. Unlike me, you’ve been holding on to the possibility that there might be someone else.”

I groaned. “That’s not true, Rachel. That’s not it at all. This search hasn’t been about choosing who I want to spend my life with. It’s been about choosing a church, a home, a place to belong. A world.”

“
Ya
, a world that could or could not include me as the person at your side.”

I swallowed hard, unable to deny those words. “I couldn’t join the church solely out of love for you,” I whispered. “That would have been wrong.”

“
Ya
, I know, and I’ve always understood that. I’ve been patient, but I’ve been waiting years now, Tyler,
years
for you to be ready to take that next step. I never quite understood why it dragged on for so long, but I see now what at least part of this delay has been about.”

“I’ve had doubts about joining the
church
,” I reiterated.

“
Ya
, but I have to believe you have also had doubts about taking me as your wife.”

I closed my eyes, wondering how to make her understand. This had never been about her at all. If anything, it was my love for her that had kept me in Lancaster County for so long, that had kept me from asking these questions and going on this journey way before now.

“How can I convince you that my love for you is true? That I’m finally ready to take that next step?”

She didn’t answer, but I could hear the telltale sounds of her crying.

“Look, I’ll be home in less than two weeks,” I pressed. “Once I can see you in person, once I can take you in my arms and ask you to be my wife, then you will know that my doubts have never been about you. Please, Rachel. I love you. I want it to be you and me, side by side, for the rest of our lives.”

“Hold on,” she whispered, and I heard the phone clunk down onto a hard surface, heard the soft whish of tissue being taken from a box as she pulled herself together. When she returned to the phone, she was hoarse with grief.

“Look, I gave you the freedom for you to do what you needed to do. I ask you to please do the same for me. I don’t think we should talk again for a while.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you can come back if you want, but I can’t promise I’ll still be here for you when you do.”

“Rachel, you can’t—”

“I’m hanging up now, Tyler. I have always loved you. And I wish you the best. But I have some decisions to make as well.”

With that, she ended the connection between us, leaving me with a dead phone and two searing dilemmas.

I had hurt the person I most loved in the world.

And I didn’t know how to make it right.

When I went inside, my expression must have shown everything. Liz did a discreet double take as I made a beeline for the stairs.

“Everything okay between you and Rachel?” she asked.

I paused, half of me wanting to be alone and half of me relieved to have someone to talk things over with. “No. Not really.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler.”

“I am too. I might…I might need to head back a little earlier than planned.”

Brady looked up at me. “I can take care of my mom. You don’t have to stay another day if you don’t want to.”

“Brady.” Liz frowned at him.

“What? He doesn’t. He can leave now if he wants.”

“That’s not what I want,” I said. “I’m just saying I might head back before the end of the month since Dad’s coming back early.”

“And I’m just saying you don’t have to wait for him. If you want to go back, go back. Now.”

“Brady!” Liz exclaimed.

But my brother just stared at me, as though he had drawn a line in the dirt and dared me to step across.

The stress of the day overcame me. I could not stand another minute of the tension, especially as I had tried every angle I could think of to appease him.

“I’m really sorry I am such a dunce that I can’t figure out what I did to make you mad at me, Brady. I’ve tried to understand your behavior toward me, I really have, but I just can’t. You’re going to have to tell me.”

With a grunt, he turned his attention back to the TV. But I wasn’t going to be put off that easily.

“I’ve only ever wanted to be a good brother to you.”

“That is such a lie.”

I could barely believe I heard him right. “I beg your pardon?”

“Brady, Tyler, I want you both to stop for a minute—” Liz pushed herself up on the couch, but Brady and I ignored her.

“You heard what I said. That’s a lie.” Brady turned toward me, his gaze steel on mine.

No one had ever called me a liar before. Ever. The accusation cut like a knife. Especially coming from my own brother.

“When have I ever lied to you? About anything?” I demanded.

He shook his head, a wounded half smile on his face, as if everything that came out of my mouth was a laughable but painful joke. “Go home, Tyler. Really. Just go home. It’s obvious you want to. Just go.” He stood and brushed past me to leave the room.