The Adventures of Steve and Terry: The Zombie Chronicles (15 page)

“Demons, again.”

“Poltergeist?”

“No one died.”

“Rose Red?”

“Stephen King novel.”

“Saw?”

“That was just a madman.”

“Aha!” Terry said, pointing at
Steve. “Like the kind found in an insane asylum.”

“I thought you were afraid of
ghosts?”

“Well, the conversation evolved to
encompass more things I don’t want to run into.”

“Look, if we tried to avoid
everything you’re afraid of, we would, literally, have to live in a cave in the
middle of nowhere.”

“Uh-uh, I’m claustrophobic.”

“Oh, for crying out loud! I’m
going to the asylum.” With that Steve turned and started back toward the dark,
imposing building.

Terry stood for a minute, then
hopped back and forth, torn. Finally, he ran after Steve. “Wait up.”

Behind them, the dark figure clung
to the shadows, slowly following them as they trudged toward the asylum.

Steve and Terry reached the asylum
and both paused in mute shock at its doors. “You sure this place ain’t
haunted?” Terry asked.

“At this point, I’m sure of
nothing.”

The doors were great iron bound,
wood monstrosities, flanked by massive stone lions on either side. Above the
doors was some Latin term that neither knew.

“We doing this?” Terry asked
impatiently after they had stood for several moments.

“Uh, yeah,” Steve said with a
squeak. Then, with more confidence, “Yeah!” Steve reached for one of the
massive rings that made up the door handle and pulled. “It’s, it’s not moving.”

“Try harder.”

Steve grabbed the ring and braced one
foot against the other door. He pulled until his face turned red, finally
letting go and breathing heavily.

“Nope, that is not going to open.”

“Crap.” Terry looked around.
“Let’s find another way into this place.”

They followed the building, trying
windows to no avail. They rounded the front and started to follow the side of
the building. Once they were out of sight the dark figure walked to the twin
doors. It produced a key and quickly unlocked the massive doors, opening one
easily and soundlessly and slipping inside.

“Hey, this window’s open,” Steve
said.

“Finally.”

They climbed in the window to find
themselves in a dark room. They stumbled around, Steve bumping into something
that fell and shattered on the floor. Finally Terry found a light-switch and
flipped it on, but nothing happened.

“Well, hell,” Terry said. “No
power.”

“Don’t you have a flashlight?”

“I do have a flashlight—”

“Terrific!”

“With no batteries.”

“Crap. Wait! I have some
batteries.”

Steve stumbled over to where Terry
was, while reaching in his pocket. He reached Terry and pulled out the promised
batteries.

“Those are double A, my flashlight
takes triple A.”

“What kinda stupid flashlight
takes triple A?”

“It’s an LED light. They’re all
the rage,” Terry said.

“Some rage. We can’t even turn the
stupid thing on.”

“Don’t you always have a lighter
on you?” Terry asked.

“Why would I always have a
lighter?”

“You’re a freaking pyromaniac. I
always see you burning stuff.”

“It’s out of fluid,” Steve
admitted quietly.

“God! How can we suck this bad?”

“I don’t suck, you suck,” Steve
said defensively.

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’re the idiot,” Steve mumbled
under his breath.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Let’s just see if there is any
place where we can get dry and hopefully warm,” Terry said.

They stumbled and bumped their way
to the door and Terry opened it. They stepped out into a dark hallway and
quickly bumped into something. A flashlight suddenly clicked on and a man,
wearing some sort of tinfoil-like metal armor, leveled a sword at them.

“Halt! Who goes there?” the man
asked.

“Oh, crap,” Terry squeaked.

Two more men, also in showy, shiny
armor came running from the other end of the hall and leveled crude swords at
them as well.

“Well, well, well,” the first man
said. “Trespassers on his majesties hunting grounds.” Steve and Terry looked at
each other, a bit confused. “Did you kill the king’s deer as well? Probably
poachers, you peasant scum!”

Steve leaned in close to Terry, “Uh,
what the hell is going on here?”

“No idea.”

“You’re coming with us until you
can face the king’s justice,” the man said.

“Listen,” Terry said. “We’re
just—”

“Silence!” The man looked past
them to the other two men. “Sir Erik, Sir Frank, take their weapons and escort
these men to the dungeons.”

Steve and Terry looked at each
other and gulped; they did not like the sound of that. They were quickly
disarmed and escorted away at sword point.

“This is so stupid,” Terry said as
he and Steve sat in the “dungeon”, which was just a large, white, padded room.
“Who the hell are these guys? Why do they have swords and prop armor? Who the
hell is the king? And could you please stop that!”

Steve bounced against the wall one
more time and fell to the floor. He had been shocked and delighted at the
padded room, and had immediately begun throwing himself against the walls. He
lay on the floor now, panting from his brief exertion.

“I don’t know,” he said between
pants. “They’ve really taken the ren-fair idea to a whole new level.”

“You think maybe their LARPing?”

“If they are, it’s the most
intense role playing I’ve ever seen. Those were real-ass swords, man,” Steve
said.

“Yeah, but they looked homemade,
nothing like the swords we had back at the mall. Remember those?”

“God I miss those things!” Steve
said, sitting up. “Why didn’t we ever take them with us?”

“To be honest, the whole mall
thing was a little disturbing.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, a little. But,
man, those were cool swords.”

The door suddenly opened and an
armored guard stood there. It was either Sir Erik or Frank, Steve and Terry
weren’t sure who was who.

“The king will see you now,” the
man said.

They were escorted out of the
padded room and into a large room that looked like, at one time, it may have
been some sort of game room. In the room were another guard and the first man
who had stopped them. Sitting in a folding chair that had had cardboard taped
to it to make it look like a throne was an older man. He wore a Burger King,
paper crown on his head. On a table beside him were their guns.

The older man waved them forward
and they were pushed at sword point. When they reached the king their guard
suddenly dropped to a knee and slammed his fist against his chest. Steve and
Terry stood awkwardly, unsure what to do.

“It is customary to bow,” the
older man said.

“I bow to no man,” Steve said
suddenly. He looked over at Terry with a smirk and a wink.

Terry just shook his head.
“Idiot,” he mumbled under his breath.

“You are an insolent bastard,
aren’t you,” the older man said with a small smile. “I am King Isaac. You have
already met my knights, Sir Frank and Sir Erik, as well as my champion, Sir
Bob.”

“Sir Bob?” Steve mouthed silently
to Terry, who shrugged.

“And who might you men be?” King
Isaac asked, picking up one of their shotguns. “Wizards? Sorcerers? You made it
through the enchanted forest, so you must be formidable indeed.” He turned the
gun in his hands. “You carry strange weapons; my men tell me they make magic
explosions. Is this true?”

Steve turned to Terry and gave him
a wink. “Just go with this,” he whispered. He suddenly stepped forward and
dropped to a knee, bowing his head. “I am the Arch Mage Steve, and that is the High
Wizard Terry. We did indeed come from the enchanted forest, on a quest of grave
importance.”

The king leaned forward excitedly.
“What is this quest?”

“I don’t know if his highness is
aware, but the land is plagued by dread creatures of an evil magic.”

“You mean the dead that walk,” the
king said, sitting back in his chair with a grave nod. “We have encountered
them.”

“My companion and I have vowed to
find the source of this evil magic and put a stop to it.” Steve looked back at
Terry, who stood with a dumbfounded expression. Steve motioned with his head.

“Uh, yeah,” Terry stepped forward
and dropped to a knee as well. “That is right, your highness. We have, uh, come
on uh, quest, uh, uh great quest.”

The king sat back, folded his
hands before him, and began tapping his jaw with his index fingers. “This is a
heavy thing you bring to me.” He thought some more. “It is not for me alone to
decide. I must convene the other heads, we must discuss this. You two will have
to present your case to them.”

Steve and Terry looked at each other,
not quite sure what to make of that. “Uh, sure, of course,” Steve said at last.

“It will take some time, but for
now, consider yourselves guests in my castle.” Steve and Terry looked around at
his “castle”. “You may partake of our food and drink, or, other distractions,”
the king said with a suggestive smirk.

Twenty minutes later Steve and
Terry sat with Frank and Erik, partaking of drink, Koolaid, and food, old power
bars. The suggestive “distractions” turned out to be either Monopoly, or
Scrabble. As it turned out, Frank and Erik couldn’t read so well, so Monopoly
it was. King Isaac and his champion, Bob, had gone to convene with the other
heads, whatever that meant.

“Hey, you landed on my square, I
own that one,” Erik said to Steve.

“Let me see your card.” Erik
handed it over. “Oh yeah, it says you owe me forty dollars.”

“What?! No it doesn’t.”

“You see the number forty with the
dollar sign right there?”

“But—I own it, why would I have to
pay you?”

“It’s a reverse mortgage,” Steve
said solemnly.

“That’s not how Bob and his
highness play,” Erik complained.

“They’re probably cheating,” Steve
said with a saddened shake of his head.

“But—that really sucks.”

“Hey, I’m just telling you what
the card says.”

They all turned when the door to
the rec room opened and King Isaac entered. “The other heads have agreed to a
meeting.”

“Right now?” Terry asked.

“This very moment; they are
assembling in the great hall.”

Steve and Terry followed King
Isaac and Bob out of the room, with Erick and Frank bringing up the rear,
carrying Steve and Terry’s guns. They wandered, it seemed, through the massive
complex until coming to the cafeteria. They entered to find a long table up on
a stage with five chairs behind it. Steve and Terry were sat in two chairs set before
the table. King Isaac walked up the stage and sat at one of the chairs, Bob
standing just behind him.

They all turned as the doors
opened and four men entered. The leader was a tanned Hispanic man with a shaved
head. Behind him were two pale white men, one with red hair, and a black guy.
All had their hair cut in the manner of samurai. They were wearing long flowing
garments that looked like cheap imitations of ancient Japanese clothes. All had
crude homemade katanas on their hips.

“Lord Mazda,” King Isaac said,
standing from his chair. “And your champion, Toyota.”

The Hispanic man gave a curt bow
of his head. “King Isaac,” he said in a fake Japanese accent. He and the
red-headed man, Toyota, walked up the stage, with lord Mazda sitting down.

Steve and Terry looked at each
other, very confused at this point. The doors opened again and three men and
two women walked in. They were all wearing leather outfits and had long hair.
The men had warrior braids and the leader wore a paper circlet, colored yellow
with what looked like crayon. The women wore what could best be described as
leather bikinis that looked like some D&D nerds wet dream. Steve had a
stupid grin on his face the minute he spotted them.

“Ah, King Thor,” Isaac said. “I
see you have brought your soothsayers.” The two women gave nods of their heads.
Thor, too, took a seat up on the stage.

Next, in walked three men wearing
spandex outfits and capes. “Captain Kirk, of the extraordinary league, so glad
you could make it,” King Isaac said. Kirk gave a bow of his head and took a
seat.

Lastly four men in crisp military
uniforms walked in. They all had firearms, ranging from pistols to submachine
guns. “General Patton, glad you could find time for this meeting,” Isaac said.