The Accidental Proposal (17 page)

‘Thanks, Einstein.’ I lean forward and stare at my untouched pint. ‘And how do I do that, exactly?’

‘Like you were going to. Hack into her email account.’

‘You mean the thing you just stopped me from doing?’

‘Er, yes. Or read her diary. Check her phone. Hire a private detective to follow her. That kind of thing.’ Dan clears his throat awkwardly. ‘I imagine.’

‘But . . .’ I slump back in my chair. ‘That would suggest I don’t trust her.’

‘Hello?’ Dan reaches over the table and raps twice on the top of my head with his knuckles. ‘You don’t, remember?’

‘No, I do. But maybe it’s, you know,
him
. Perhaps he’s a former boyfriend, or something, and he’s appeared back on the scene, and Sam’s just trying to let him down gently.’

‘By sneaking around with him behind your back?’ Dan laughs. ‘That’s hardly the actions of a loyal girlfriend.’

‘It’s exactly what I did with Jane last year. You know, to stop Sam from being hurt.’

‘And where did that get you?’ Dan grins. ‘Oh yes, that’s right, she nearly dumped you when she found out, didn’t she.’

‘All the more reason for her to keep it from me,’ I say, weakly.

‘All the more reason for her not to, you mean.’ Dan gestures towards me with his beer bottle. ‘Listen, Ed, if you want my advice, just let it go. Whatever Sam’s doing – and it’s probably completely innocent – is something she’s obviously got to do. If she hasn’t told you about it, then there’s obviously a reason for that too. And she still wants to marry you, right? I mean, she hasn’t started having second thoughts, or said that she’s thinking of pulling out?’

‘No, but . . .’

‘And she’s still wearing the ring?’

‘Yes, but . . .’

‘But nothing. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women – apart from the fact that they don’t like it if you sleep with their sisters – it’s that they work in mysterious ways. And trying to understand them? That’s like trying to understand how . . .’ His face crumples up in concentration. ‘Well, how something that’s very hard to understand works. You or I for example, we want to get from A to B, we just take the shortest, most direct route. But a woman?’ He rolls his eyes. ‘She’ll go all round the houses, maybe even stopping to buy a pair of shoes on the way, for no other reason apart from the fact that she’s a woman. And if you got her to explain why to you, she’d have what she’d think would be a perfectly logical reason, but to us, it just wouldn’t make any sense.’

‘A bit like you aren’t at the moment, then?’

Dan grins. ‘My point is, all you can do is let her get on with whatever she’s doing, safe in the knowledge that she’s going to turn up on the . . . When is it?’

‘Tell me why I asked you to be my best man again? The twenty-fifth.’

‘That’s what I thought. And from that day forwards, you’re going to be husband and wife, no questions asked . . . Result.’

As I let what he’s said sink in, I realize that this ‘no questions asked’ lark is the thing I can’t really get my head round. Surely the whole point of marriage is that you should have no secrets from each other, and that everything should be out in the open, so both of you know what you’re getting into: no surprises, and no skeletons in the closet? I mean, fair enough, if there’s something from Sam’s dim and distant past that she doesn’t want to tell me about, and it’s over and done with as far as she’s concerned, then that kind of thing is okay. But not
this
. Sneaking around with another man doing who-knows-what a couple of weeks before our wedding . . .

And yet, of course I can’t just come out and challenge her about it. Because if I’m wrong, and it’s all completely innocent, that would show her I didn’t trust her. What’s worse is, as I think about it, something else occurs to me too. The real issue I have is not that Sam
might
be cheating on me, but
why
she might be. And I’m worried that I know the answer to that.

‘Maybe we’re silly getting married.’

‘What’s this? Second thoughts?’ Dan raises one eyebrow. ‘Remember, better to listen to nagging doubts beforehand, than a nagging wife afterwards.’

‘No, Dan. Well, not really. It’s just . . .’

‘What?’

I take a mouthful of beer. ‘It’s stupid, really.’

‘So is marriage, if you ask me,’ says Dan.

‘I didn’t.’

‘Come on.’ Dan nods, encouragingly. ‘Out with it.’

I lean back and stare up at the ceiling. ‘It’ll sound ridiculous.’

‘So does most of what you say when it comes to women.’

‘Do you want to hear it or not?’

‘Course I do, Ed.’ Dan leans forward and rests his elbows on the table. ‘And today would be nice.’

‘Sorry. It’s, you know,
Sam
. I just worry that maybe she could do better.’

‘Do better?’ Dan stares at me for a moment or two, then starts to laugh.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘Of course she could! You’re playing so far out of your league that . . .’ Dan stops talking when he sees the look on my face. ‘Sorry, Ed. Just teasing you.’

‘Is that what you think too?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Dan folds his arms. ‘Let me tell you something about how women work. The fit ones, they know they can pretty much have any man they want, right?’

‘So?’

‘So, dummy, that means they don’t waste their time waiting for you to make a commitment if they’re not sure.’

‘Jane did.’

Dan laughs. ‘I said the fit ones. And besides, she didn’t exactly hang about, did she?’

‘What’s your point?’

‘All I’m saying is, you and Sam have been together for, what, nearly two years now?’

‘Something like that,’ I mumble, not wanting to admit to Dan that I could probably tell him the precise number of days. If not hours.

‘And despite that wobble of yours last year, when you got the wrong end of the stick and assumed you were chucked, it’s all been pretty plain sailing.’

‘So?’

He sighs. ‘So, Eddie-boy, if Sam was going to leave you, she’d have done it by now. But in fact, she’s gone the other way entirely, you’ve moved in together, and she’s even asked you to marry her. She’s hardly going to do that if she thinks she could do better, is she?’

‘I suppose not.’

‘And following on from that, she’s even less likely to be having an affair, is she? So don’t you think you ought to just put these stupid ideas out of your head and have a little faith in her?’ He gets up and starts to walk towards the toilets. ‘And yourself, for that matter.’

I watch him go, then sit there on my own, staring into my beer, and realize that Dan’s right. Marriage is all about trust. If I can’t trust her in the crucial period leading up to our wedding, then how can I possibly trust her afterwards? And the last thing I want is to feel like, well, most of Dan’s girlfriends probably do, wondering what on earth he’s up to all the time. I’ve got to let her live her own life. Do things her way. And have a little confidence that our relationship is stronger than maybe I’m feeling it is at the moment. After all,
she
wants to marry
me
. And she’s seen me at my worst, my most incompetent, and my fattest, plus I’m not rich, or famous, so I’ve got to accept that she’s doing it because of who I am, and the fact that she loves me for – and even in spite of – that.

‘Besides,’ continues Dan, appearing back in his seat and making me jump, ‘why on earth are you getting so worked up about this? Even if she is having a little fling, it’s not such a big deal.’

‘Dan, it’s the biggest deal possible. Imagine if one of your girlfriends – and I use the term loosely – slept with someone else while she was sleeping with you. How would you feel?’

‘What – like in a threesome? Well, as long as it was another girl, I wouldn’t mind.’

‘No, Dan. Another man. And not a threesome.’

Dan laughs. ‘That’s hardly likely, is it?’

‘Oh, sorry. I forgot about the size of your ego. I mean, who’d sleep with anyone else when they could sleep with the great Dan Davis.’

Dan pretends to scratch his nose, whereas in reality he’s sticking two fingers up at me. ‘It’s not that at all. The reason they wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone else is that after a night with me they can hardly walk, let alone get up the energy to . . .’

‘Dan, please. That’s not the point.’

‘Yes it is,’ he says. ‘In fact, maybe it’s exactly the point. Tell me something. Is everything all right between you and Sam in that department?’

He holds his beer bottle towards me as if it’s a microphone, and I wave it away angrily. ‘None of your business!’

‘It’s just that, well, women are people too,’ he says, as if confiding a secret. ‘They have needs, desires . . .’

‘And Sam’s are being met – and satisfied – perfectly well, thank you.’

‘You’re sure, are you?’

‘Perfectly.’

For a moment, I worry that he’s going to launch into a Meg Ryan in the diner from
When Harry Met Sally
impersonation. And that’s one thing I can do without.

‘It’s just that, well . . .’

‘What?’

‘Well, it’s one of the reasons, isn’t it? Why women have affairs. So if your sex life . . .’

‘Just drop it will you.’

‘Okay, okay. As long as you’re positive.’

‘I am.’

Dan
leans back in his chair. ‘Well, in that case, you’ve got nothing to worry about, have you?’

‘No. I suppose not.’ I sip my beer for a few seconds. ‘It’s just . . .’

‘For Christ’s sake, Edward. Let it go.’

I stare at him, wondering how I can get across how I’m feeling, and then it occurs to me. ‘Okay then. Imagine if Polly had done it to you. How would you feel then?’

Dan gazes back at me for a few seconds, then down at the table, unable to meet my eyes any longer. ‘Yes, well, she didn’t, did she?’

‘You’re sure, are you?’

Dan opens his mouth as if to answer, then closes it again. ‘Anyway,’ he says, eventually, ‘that’s in the past now.’

‘Well, how does even the fact that she’s going out with someone else make you feel? And sleeping with them? She’s a woman, after all. She’s got desires. Needs . . .’

Dan looks as though he wants to tell me where to go, but to his credit, gives it some thought. ‘Okay, then. I’d imagine if it
had
happened, then I’d feel pretty bad about it. Like I’d been betrayed. But I suppose, until it’s actually happened to you, it’s hard to tell.’

I look at him for a moment, and then decide to spill. ‘Well, it happened to me. Which is why I
can
tell.’

Dan nearly falls off his chair in surprise. ‘What? Sam? When?’

‘Of course not,’ I say, then realize the irony of that statement. ‘With Jane. Just before our last Christmas together.’

‘Jane had an affair? You’re kidding?’ says Dan, before realizing that my expression means I’m not. He leans over and rests a hand on my shoulder. ‘Poor guy.’

‘Thanks. I . . .’

‘Not you. The other bloke.’ He grins. ‘When? What happened? And more importantly, why didn’t you tell me?’

I stare at my beer, wondering if it’d be bad form to drink it down in one. ‘Because . . .’ I pick the glass up and finish it off anyway. ‘Because I was ashamed.’

‘Fuck, Ed. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You should have told me. I could have given the guy a slap. Or given Jane one. A, er, slap, obviously.’

‘Thanks. I think.’

‘Did you catch them at it? You know, in fragrance.’

‘In flagrante, Dan. And no, I didn’t.’

‘Oh,’ he says, sounding a little disappointed. ‘What did you do?’

‘I forgave her. And she promised she’d never do it again. And then she dumped me.’

Dan starts to laugh, and then stops abruptly when I scowl at him. ‘Well, at least she was true to her word, I suppose. What exactly happened?’

I shrug, trying to bury the feelings of hurt that are surfacing even now. ‘Not much. She snogged some bloke at work, and I found out about it, and . . .’

Dan slams his bottle down on the table. ‘She snogged someone?’

‘That’s right. At some drunken work thing.’

‘That’s all?’

‘What do you mean, “That’s all?”’

‘Well, I’m sorry, Ed. I know it must have been pretty traumatic at the time, but . . . A drunken snog?’

‘Yes, well, it’s not just about
what
it was. It’s what it
means
. You know “it’s the thought that counts”, and all that. Which is exactly why I feel so bad about this whole situation. Because if it turns out that Sam is, in fact, seeing someone else, I know exactly how shitty it’s going to make me feel. And I fail to see how you could do that – be so cruel, I mean – to anyone you love.’ I stop talking, conscious that I’m gabbling.

‘That’s bollocks,’ says Dan.