Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (4 page)

Still looking for that Mitsubishi Eclipse for your daughter?

Yes I am.

Pretty sure I can help you out.

I got a white 2007 Eclipse. Runs great.

Sounds good.

Can you tell me a little more about it? What condition is it in?

Fairly good condition. A couple of scratches here and there, but nothing too noticeable.

Ok, what’s the mileage?

About 55K

But it’s been a good 55K. Hadn’t had a problem with the engine yet.

Great.

And how does the interior look?

Interior is perfect.

Got the original manufacturer’s tan leather seats, a 5-disc CD changer with an auxiliary plug-in, a court ordered intoxa-lock, and an upgraded Panasonic stereo system with top-of-the-line speakers.

Alright. That sounds good.

Sorry, what exactly is the court ordered intoxa-lock?

Oh nothing too fancy.

Just something you breathe into so the car will start.

I’m not following you

You just blow into it.

Then the little gadget does a math equation to see if you drank alcohol or not.

Then the car starts up.

So it’s a breathalyzer …

Well, if you want to look at it like that.

Ok.

Well just get it removed and I think we can work out a deal.

You don’t think I’ve tried that?

The police have that thing sealed on tight. trust me.

Right

Well if it can’t be removed, I’ll have to pass on the car.

Just tell your daughter to make sure she doesn’t hit the sauce before driving it, problem solved.

That’s ridiculous. I’m not having my daughter blow into that thing every time she wants to drive …

Tell ya what I’ll do. For a small fee I’ll get my grandson to come over when your daughter gets all liquored up. He can just blow into the thing.

You’re joking right?

No sir. How else you think I’ve been driving around? After crashing this thing into a CiCi’s Pizza last month, I’ve had to get a little crafty.

Right. Well this is definitely not going to happen.

Sounds like you deserve to be in jail.

Sounds like you need a drink.

Say, why don’t you come pick me up and I’ll let you buy me a beer.

This conversation is over.

Hi, is this the person who is looking to buy an iPhone?

Yea

I think I can help you.

I got one I’m trying to get rid of.

What kind of iPhone?

Not really sure.

I told her if she failed her English test, I would take it away … and she did.

I’m really only looking to buy an iPhone 5 or 5-S.

I can take a photo of it and you can tell me if it’s the one you’re looking for.

That will work.

That’s the one I need.

What are you looking to sell it for.

Hey buddy, don’t try to rip me off.

The last guy said he would only give me $15. I wanted at least $25.

Ok I’ll take it for $25

Can I meet you somewhere, or you can swing by my place?

I can meet you on the Starbucks on 31st street in about half an hour.

Does that work?

Perfect

I’ll text you when I get there.

I text him half an hour later …

Hey, you play Angry Birds?

No, why?

I’m 2 minutes away btw.

Oh man, you should play

I just started playing, it is really fun!.

Yea I’ve played the game before.

You should start playing again.

Are you there already? I’m looking for a spot.

Not there yet.

I’ll be honest with you man. This Angry Birds game is a really great.

There’s this one bird that spins back around, kinda like a boomerang.

That makes the price $30.    

That’s fine.

I’m on level 27 right now and this game just keeps getting better and better!

Just call me when you get here

Or just look for the guy wearing an orange shirt.

I’ll be there in about 5 minutes.

Hey can you do me a favor and order me a white chocolate mocha latte?

Really?

I just want it to cool off a little bit before I get there. They always serve them so hot!

I’ll pay you back.

No worries

Consider it part of the trade :)

Well about our little deal …

I might have to raise the price to $35 just because this game is so great. You ok with that?

Ok

See you soon

20 minutes later

Hey man, where are you?

Your drink is probably cold by now.

What’s your name?

… Alex

Well Alex, this phone just got a little bit nicer.

Because I just discovered Angry Birds … IN OUTER SPACE!

Ok cool man, just hurry and get here.

I’ll give you $45 if you can get here in the next 10 minutes.

I don’t know if I can really put a price on this phone now …

Yes I can

$900

Are you serious?

As a heart attack, Alex.

You think I’m new at this? I’ve been using the ol’ Daughter/Angry Birds story forever.

They call me “The Bamboozler”

You just done got Bamboozled!

Ok asshole

Thanks for wasting an hour of my fucking time.

Leave my mocha latte on the table, Alex.

Suck a dick.

Hello, is this the fellow looking to purchase some fireworks for New Year’s Eve?

Hey ya

You got some?

Looks like you’re in luck. It just so happens that I have a nice stash of fireworks. Used to have a fireworks stand myself, until the county made me shut it down because of the ban and all.

My name is Lonnie Smothers, by the way.

I’m Brad

That’s a shame about your stand. Well, I’m looking to buy quite a bit. What kinds of fireworks are you trying to sell?

Got’em all, Bradley.

You name it, I got it.

Black Cats, Smoke bombs, M-80s.

Ok, well I need airborne fireworks, not just things that smoke or make noise.

They’re for a New Years Eve party I’m throwing, so they need to be entertaining.

Ah, got ya.

So, maybe something like Roman Candles or Bottle Rockets?

Even bigger than that.

Something more elaborate. I need fireworks that make a beautiful presentation.

I got just the thing for you.

These little guys go over well at every party I’ve been to.

You bust some of these bad boys out, you’re talking about some major entertainment. Only $20 a pack.