Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (15 page)

Why not?

Because I’m a 350 pound man with bad knees.

Not to mention all the tools I may need to haul up there.

Rest assured, Leon. I’m fairly certain I can construct a climbing apparatus fashioned from bath towels.

What do you think?

I think that’s ridiculous and it’s not going to happen.

C’mon.

Can’t help you out man.

This bathroom is slopped up to shit.

When the water overflowed, a couple of the logs rolled out onto the bathroom floor.

Uh oh.

Bathroom look pretty bad?

Looks like a bunch of children took a bat to a piñata filled with melted chocolate.

Oh man I say you just cut your losses and make a run for it.

Good call, Leon.

Hi, are you still tutoring math?

Yes, may I ask what subject you’re looking for help in?

Algabra. Im in high school. U good at algabra?

Very good. Algebra 1 or 2?

1

so i dont need tutoring. i need something else …

Uhh OK um what do you need?

I totally snuck into Mrs. McGreevy’s class and stole the test. I need you to give me the answers.

I can pay u 15 bucks

U know the answers to these problems?!?

The test is like tomorrow

I can’t believe you would try to find someone on craigslist to help you cheat! AND on top of that offer a measly $15!

I do know the answers but because you stole an exam, that’s a criminal offense!

So ur not gonna help me?

NO!

Nevermind. Im gonna fail. my dad just spill maranara sauce all over it. Im fucked.

Serves you right!

Hi, is this the person that teaches pitching lessons?

Yes it is

Great, my name is Daryl Chestnut. I coach for a pee wee team called the lil’ rattlers. I was hoping you could help me out.

Yeah absolutely. What did you have in mind?

So you’re pretty good at teaching people how to pitch?

Yes sir

Great. Well, these kids are only 8 years old, so it’s dad’s pitch … so the lesson would be for me. Is that ok?

Yeah pitching is pitching. Doesn’t matter if your 5 or 50

Great. Can you teach accuracy and speed?

Yeah I can teach anything you want

Perfect. Well, here’s the deal. We play the Torpedoes next week and they have the leagues best slugger, Eric Samarco. I need you to teach me how to peg this kid in the face and make it look like an accident.

Man I can’t teach you to do that. I can teach you how to get him out tho

Fuck getting him out. That kid can hit anything! If I throw the ball anywhere near the plate, that kid will Sammy Sosa that shit into outer space. He needs to be laid out.

The kid is 8! You don’t hit people because they are good! That’s not how the game is played

That’s why we make it look like an accident. I’ll run to home plate looking like I give a shit and Eric Samarco will be out for the season. It’s a win win.

Can’t do that man sorry.

I’m just trying to get you to teach me the fundamentals of baseball and you’re pussing out.

I’ll teach you how to pitch but I’m not teaching you how to hit an 8 year old kid in the face. Hitting kids that can’t defend themselves is being a pussy

Forget it, I’ll just pay the umpire or some shit.

Hi, is this the custom airbrush guy?

Yes it it

It is

Cool. How much would it cost me to get a custom paint job on the hood of a truck?

Prices start at $350

All depends on how much detail is involved

Ok, I think I can probably pull $350 out if my college savings without my parents noticing

I don’t think too much detail will be involved.

Give me a call and we can talk about what you need

I can’t. I’m in the middle of 4th period.

I’m not even supposed to be texting.

Ha ok

How quick do you think you can get this done?

Average time is about 2 to 3 weeks for completion

Depends on how busy i am

What kind of truck is it

It’s a brand new 2013 Chevy Avalanche

It’s awesome.

And this 2-3 week thing won’t work.

I need it done in like a day.

That will be pricey

I’ll have to get a couple of my guys working on it to push it out that fast.

Listen man, there doesn’t need to be a lot of detail at all. It’s just gotta be done quick.

What kind of design are we talking about?

I need a raging boner drawn on the hood.

Monster dong.

You want me to draw that on your car?

I’ll be honest with you, it’s not my truck. It’s this guy’s truck, T.J. Osweiler.

He picks on me at school and I need to get him back.

Haha thats funny man but count me out

Aint into doing illegal jobs

Cmon man, I’ll give you his address so you can do it at night.

Or just do it while we’re at school. There is 1 security guard but he’s old, fat, and rides a Segway.

Sorry lol

Count me out of this one. You’re just gonna have to do it yourself

C’mon. T.J. is a total douchebag

1 hour later …

Lol looks like you didn’t need my help after all

Thats pretty funny though

10 minutes later …

Shit man, you gotta help me out!

What

I got busted! I’m sitting in the principal’s office. He wants to speak to my dad, but I’m just gonna give him your number. Tell him you will ground me or something.

If my real parents find out about this, I won’t be able to go to Scott Ziggler’s birthday bash this weekend and it’s supposed to be epic!

LOOK KID DO NOT GIVE THIS NUMBER TO ANYONE!!

Let this be a lesson. You cant run around drawing dicks on other peoples stuff and expect to get away with it