Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (11 page)

Hello, is this Michael the artist responsible for “Serenity of the Soul”?

Yes, can I help you?

Sorry to contact you so late in the evening. My name is Jerry Snuggleton and I’m a bit of an art collector.

ok

Currently, I’m driving across the country purchasing some art pieces. I came across your work at a local eatery and had to call you.

Ah yes! You must be at the café.

Indeed.

Your work is great, really fantastic. I would love to purchase “Serenity of the Soul” but it’s a bit out of my price range.

Would it be ok if I called you? We can discuss the price.

Can’t pick up the phone right now. It’s rather loud in here.

Think you could possibly lower the price?

Prices are always negotiable.

What were you thinking?

Well, given my experience in the field of art collecting, I would value this piece at $50.

Ha I appreciate the offer but that is much lower than I would ever sell it for.

The highest I can go is $50

That’s when he started calling …

Sorry for calling, but can you just pick up your phone? I’d rather just hash out a deal speaking over the phone.

No can do. My final offer is $50.

Take it or leave it.

I’m sorry. I can’t let it go for that. Hope you find some great pieces on your trip.

I text him back 30 minutes later …

Please let me have the painting for $50.

Sorry.

Way too low of a price.

15 minutes later …

Listen man, I’m gonna shoot you straight. I’m not some traveling art collector. Honestly, I don’t know the first thing about art.

Truth is, I’m driving cross-country on a family vacation and we just stopped to get a bite to eat.

ok?

Well, my 8-year-old decided to throw a hissy fit and launched his Jr. Breakfast Platter onto the wall. A good amount got on your painting. I was going to buy it from you and fix this whole mess, but I can’t pay 350 bucks for something like this.

So you gotta take what I can give you.

Are you serious?

Afraid so.

Listen, I know these calls are going through. PLEASE pick up your phone.

No can do. Like I said, it’s loud in here and my hands are full with kids.

Ok at least tell me what got on the painting.

I already told you, the Jr. Breakfast Platter.

Yea what is that?

It’s the same thing as the Breakfast Platter, but a little bit smaller.

Ok just don’t touch the painting and let the management know what happened.

Too late. I’ve been trying to rub the stain out with a napkin for like 30 minutes now. I even dipped the napkin in my wife’s Diet Fresca … I think the stain is set.

I’d take the painting off the wall and put some elbow grease into it, but I know the waitress is already suspicious.

Hell, I’ve been sitting in this damn restaurant for over 2 hours.

DON’T TOUCH THE PAINTING ANYMORE

Just pick up your phone when I call please!

Hold on, I got an idea.

Let me try scratching the stain off with a quarter. I think that may do the trick.

NO

NO DONT DO THAT!

I’m gonna put the phone down for a second. I think it’s gunna work.

NO NO NO

PICK UP YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE

ANSWER MY FUCKING CALLS

I think I got a good amount of it off. Honestly, I think I might have made the painting a little better lol!

I’m driving up there right now! You better not move!

No can do, gotta get back on the road!

Seeing that I got most of it off, I’ll just leave a $10 tip with the waitress.

I’ll leave a little note with the money, letting her know that $7 of that belongs to you.

NO!

Tell you what, I’ve got about 6 Disney movies scattered throughout the van. How’s about I give you a couple?

My kids wouldn’t even notice if a few went missing. Plus, we’ve listened to that shit playing in the backseat so many times this damn trip, it’d be nice to get rid of a few.

DONT FUCKING GO ANYWHERE! IM CALLING THE RESTAURANT

I’ll even throw in a Lion King DVD and Alladin 2: The Return of Jafar on video cassette.

NO! DONT MOVE. I DONT WANT YOUR FUCKING LION KING MOVIES

Hakuna matata, man. Hakuna matata.

FUCK YOU!

Hi!! Is this the guy selling the sexy cop Halloween costume?

Yeah

I’m Chris

Great! I’m thinking about buying it from you.

My name is Rebecca.

I’m going to a Halloween party this weekend and I need to look AMAZING!! Can you tell me a little bit more about the outfit?

Sure

All the pieces of the costume are there. My wife only wore it once, last Halloween, so it’s in great condition.

Asking for $20

That sounds good. Are you available to meet up today?

Sure

I’ll be free to meet up anytime after 2 o’clock.

Perfect! I’m in history class now, but I can borrow my mom’s car and meet up with you after school.

Great

Just call or text me when you’re available and we can figure something out.

Ok!! I’ll text you later today.

I didn’t text him later that day …

Didn’t hear from you this afternoon.

Did you still want the costume?

The next day …

Is this the guy trying to sell the sexy cop uniform?

Yeah

That’s what I thought. This is Rebecca’s father.

She is in BIG trouble.

Ok? Does she still want to buy it?

No, you sicko! She keeps trying to buy all these slutty Halloween costumes from people like you.

… well sorry your daughter is trying to buy slutty costumes …

People like you disgust me, you know that?

Trying to make my daughter into a hussy. Get a real job.

Uh I have a real job …

I’m just trying to sell my wife’s old Halloween costume for her.

So go lecture your hussy daughter, not me.

Sounds like you need to be a little more suspicious of your wife.

If I ever caught my wife wearing some skank uniform, I’d probably lay a hand on her.

Wow

I bet you two have an awesome sex life. And I don’t think you understand what a Halloween costume is.

First of all, don’t you ever talk about my wife like that. Show some respect.

Secondly, Halloween is for the children. It’s not Slutfest 2012, where your wife can prance around town like an underdressed floozy.

Respect? Lol, if you’re going to talk about my wife I’ll talk about your whore of a wife.

Show me some respect and I’ll show you respect

You lost my respect when you tried to tempt my daughter into buying that well-seasoned prostitute getup that some street hooker used to own.

Listen Asshole, your daughter contacted me. So it sounds like you have street hooker for a daughter, who probably got it from her mother!

How dare you.

I hope you know I’m grounding Rebecca for 2 weeks because of you.

Too bad.

I guess she’ll have to miss out on SlutFest 2013.

Are you still looking for a copy of The Dark Knight DVD?

Yes I am

Have one?

One? I have like 6 copies!

It’s my favorite movie!

Like I said in the ad, I’m not looking to buy one.

Just swap it out for my blu ray

That’s cool

You know that part of the movie where the joker is like “I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!!”

Then he has the knife!

Do you like that part?

Sure

So where do you live?

In a house.

Do you wanna watch it when you come pick it up?

No that’s ok.

Just looking to do the swap.

Who is your favorite character?

I like 2 Face and Joker.

What’s your address? I can bring the blu ray to you.

Have you seen all the batman movies?

Yes. Please, Im just looking to do the swap.

I’ve seen them all too!

Do you like the part where joker says to batman “Why are you being so serious!!!???”

Then he like, has a knife!

Favorite part.

Hey man, do you want to trade or not?

Definitely

Just swing by my house and grab the DVD.

Maybe watch it, you know, make sure it works.

If you say it works, it works.

What’s your address?

We should probably watch the entire movie, front to back, just to make sure. My mom makes this awesome cheeseburger casserole.

Mom says come over at 7:30.

Wait, how old are you?

12

Oh that makes more sense now.

I thought I was dealing with an adult.

Hey you’re not going to try and catch a predator me or anything?

WTF are you serious?