Texas CHAOS (Texas Heroes Book 2) (7 page)

“Jenna! Stop!” Logan shouted, his hands shaking. She was killing him. The idea of her touching herself drove him crazy.

“You’ve never married; you’ve never even come close. You don’t care about Terra, you just invited her to the rodeo to put some distance between us. I know you feel the same way I do.” She hoped she was right.

“What I’ve done or haven’t done has nothing to do with you.” He lied like a dog.

“I want to belong to you, Logan. Only to you.” Her breath was coming in pants, her breasts rising and falling. Jenna’s eyes were shimmering with unshed tears and her plump lips were trembling. 

His heart was pounding in his chest so hard, Logan was sure she could hear it. “You don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“Are you hurt anywhere other than your neck?” She asked, looking at his body up and down, searching for further evidence of wounds.

“No.”

“Good.” She rose from the floor and climbed into his lap, careful of where she touched him. “When you’re feeling better. I want to make love to you. I’ve saved myself for you.”

Fuck
. Logan scooted back in the chair, taking her by the hips at the same time and pushing her forward. The last thing he wanted her to feel was how aroused he was. “That’s not going to happen,” he said more gruffly than he intended.

Jenna’s eyes were on his mouth, she was moving so close to him. Any second their lips would touch. But when she heard his words, she blinked. “Why? Don’t you want me?” She asked with a quivering quality in her voice. “I know you do, that kiss we shared was amazing.”

This was it. Logan knew he either stopped this now or go down a path neither of them needed to be on. She’d be making a mistake and he probably wouldn’t survive it. Once he’d had Jenna, there would be no way he could ever walk away from her. “No. I don’t want you.”

She jerked back as if she’d been slapped. By the look on her face, she’d never considered the possibility. And why would she? It was a bald face lie. Oh, he’d never crossed the line with her, but there had been heat between them from the very first. That was the reason he’d had to fight to keep things platonic. And the responsibility was all his, she was an innocent, Jenna couldn’t possibly know what she wanted. “Your feelings for me have always been mixed up with the fact I rescued you and gave you a home. What you feel for me is nothing like you’ll feel when you fall in love with the right man.”

Before his eyes, her small face changed. Her eyes glittered, her mouth compressed. Very rarely had he seen Jenna angry, but this would be one of the times he did. “That’s not true. I’m not a child, Logan!” She rose from his lap. “I know what I feel.”

“So do I, Jenna.” He tried to reinforce his rejection without coming out and saying the painful lie again.

“Let me get this straight.” She paced back and forth in front of him. So beautiful. So pissed. “You feel nothing for me, but what you’d feel for a sister or a niece. Am I saying it right?”

“Yes. Or a daughter.”

She whirled on him and got right in his face. “Is that it? Is this some crazy age argument?”

“No.” He could see where this was going and he had to head it off at the pass. “I am too old for you, I won’t deny that fact. But that’s not what this is about.”

“If it is, let me remind you…”

He interrupted. “I’m eighteen years older than you. Eighteen years, Jenna.” He repeated himself, his voice straining even as he kept it low.

“I can count, Logan. Yes, I’m eighteen and you are a sexy, very virile thirty-six.”

“And when you’re thirty, I’ll be forty-eight. And when you’re forty, I’ll be fifty-eight. Retirement age.”

“And when I’m a hundred, you’ll be a hundred-eighteen.” She glared at him. “Practically the same fucking number!”

“It doesn’t matter.” He rose to his feet, towering over her small frame. God, he didn’t want to hurt her. But sometimes you have to do what’s best for those you love, even when it was painful. Chief Hodgins had taught him that lesson too. “Age is a part of it, but not the way you think.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, her heart breaking.

As if he was raising a knife to strike her with, Logan aimed before plunging it in. “You’re young, yes. Too young. Inexperienced. You do nothing for me. You’re not woman enough for me, Jenna.” 

She backed up as if he’d struck her.

“I see,” Jenna stated with her eyes downcast. All of this time she’d been preparing arguments to plead their case. Their age difference was one she had known would come up. But what he said now was something she’d never considered. “I’ve always wanted you, Logan. My heart has raced anytime you’re near. The fantasies I’ve woven around you should be illegal.”

Jenna whispered all of this and Logan had to strain to listen.

“But I never once considered the possibility that you might not feel the same.” A harsh laugh tore from her throat. “I guess I should have. I mean…who am I?” 

“Jenna,” his voice cracked. This wasn’t going well. She was breaking his heart. Maybe he’d gone too far. “Wait.”

“Tell Louisa and Earl that I have to go.” Jenna said the words as if she were having a hard time thinking. She kept backing up slowly. Logan was afraid she’d trip over something and fall down.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

Passing a hand over her eyes as if to wipe away a cloud obscuring her vision, Jenna shook her head. “I don’t know. Does it matter? I’ll think of something.” Finally, she raised her gaze to his. “I’ll get all of my stuff moved out of here as soon as I can. And…” she waved at the truck, “as soon as I get some type of job, I’ll start trying to pay you back for…everything.” The last word almost didn’t make it out. “God, I owe you so much.”

“Stop it!” He raised his voice at her. “That’s enough! You’re going to college, just like we planned. I have everything arranged.”

“Oh no, it won’t ever be enough.” She laughed softly. “You won’t be arranging anything for me.” She looked so stricken. “All of this time, I didn’t mind taking from you because I thought…you belonged to me. God, I’m going to be sick.” Putting a hand to her throat, she fought back nausea.

“You don’t owe me anything.” He made a grab for her, but she evaded him.

“I won’t be bothering you again.” She raised a hand as if to touch him, then dropped it “You’re going to miss me when I’m gone, Logan.” She held his gaze for a few more seconds, then fled to her truck.

Her sad epitaph rang in his ears. She’d never know how right she was. He missed her already and she wasn’t even gone. Behind her, Logan called her name. “Jenna! Stay away from those damn bulls!” But she was faster. Within seconds, she was gunning down the driveway and was soon out of sight.

“Goddammit!” Logan yelled. None of that had gone down like it was supposed to. He’d hurt her and he’d rather have hurt himself a thousand times over.

In the long run, it would probably be for the best, she’d needed this push to get on with the life she deserved.

But he’d never forget the look of devastation on her face as long as he lived.

* * *

Jenna didn’t get drunk, but she should have. She needed to dull the pain almost paralyzing her body. For the last two years, she’d manufactured a fantasy world. A world where she belonged to Logan Gray, body and soul. In her childish imagination, he loved her as much as she worshiped him. But all of that had been a lie woven in her own mind. Looking back, she cringed at the times she’d thrown herself at him, hugging Logan, holding his hand, sitting in his lap. To be close to him had seemed so natural, so necessary.

With a groan, she rolled over in her bed and pulled the pillow over her head.

What was she going to do? If she did as she wanted, she’d slide down into a corner and make herself so small she’d disappear. But she couldn’t do that. She had to go on. She needed to find a job and start paying him back for all he’d spent on her. Logan wasn’t a rich man and she’d probably put a big dent into his savings. She’d been as expensive as a child he’d raised, taking – taking – taking.

Well, no more. When she’d called Dixie in a panic, her friend invited Jenna to stay with her in Austin. She’d gratefully accepted, having nowhere else to go. She hadn’t yet told Dixie the details of what had happened. The only thing she’d managed to get out was that Logan was going to be all right, his injuries had been relatively minor.

Jenna felt as if her world had exploded. What should she do next? Where should she go? Her plan had been to commute to the community college in Fredericksburg to get a degree of some kind. Maybe a teaching degree. But honestly, she’d never expected to use it. Heck, she didn’t even enjoy the thought of going to work or keeping office hours. All she’d ever wanted was to be Mrs. Logan Gray. She’d dreamed of taking care of him, having his children, making a home for their family. Now, she had to pull herself up by her bootstraps and make her own way in the world. Paying him back would be part of it, but she also wanted to show him she could stand on her own two feet.

But...to do that, she first needed to get out of this bed.

Dragging herself up, Jenna moped around for a while, turning on the radio to the local Fredericksburg station KNAF before she went to the bathroom to wash her face. A sad song came on by Leann Rimes,
How Do I Live Without You
. Jenna hung her head, it was the perfect sound track for how she felt. Taking a deep breath, she kept walking. There were decisions to make, like what was she going to do about Stormy. Briefly it crossed her mind to try to sell her, but that wasn’t possible. Stormy was all she had from her past and Jenna loved her dearly. How she was going to take care of her, Jenna didn’t know.

One thing she could do was return the pickup to Logan. Maybe he could sell it and get some of his money back. She could use a small amount of her father’s insurance money to purchase a used vehicle, something older and more reasonable to drive.

“Hey, Jenna.” Dixie tapped on her door. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” There was no use hiding. Her friend would know something was wrong, she knew her too well.

Dixie opened the door and came padding in, dressed in an oversize sleep shirt, her blonde hair sticking up and out every which way. “I got in too late last night to wake you up.” Covering her mouth, she yawned, then took a good look at Jenna. “You look like crap!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Everything.” She leaned against the wall and stared at her pretty friend. “Logan told me he’s not interested in me as a woman. He says I’m not…enough.” Anger and pain brought tears to her eyes.

Taking Jenna in her arms, Dixie patted her hair. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Don’t cry, he’s not worth it.”

“Yes he is,” she cried even harder. “He’s totally worth it. I’m the problem.”

Dixie pulled her to the bed. “I’ve watched you put this guy on a pedestal from the moment we met. It’s time you let this infatuation go and find someone who’ll appreciate you. Not taking anything away from Logan, he was there when you needed him, but you need to make a life for yourself.”

“That’s what he said,” she hiccupped a sob. “I held onto my virginity as if it was some prize possession I could present to Logan like a gift. But it was a gift he didn’t want. Maybe that’s what I need to do, get laid so I can become an experienced worldly woman.”

“Don’t say that, you are not sleeping with a guy just to get your first time out of the way.” Dixie sat down on the bed beside her. “So, get that stupid idea out of your pretty little head.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Jenna stood and went in to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Dixie followed her, sitting on the closed toilet seat. “Simple. You need to start dating.”

“But who?” She let her mind run back over the mental list of guys who’d asked her out in the last year. The number wasn’t that high. Once she’d turned down five or six, word got around and the invitations had stopped coming. Everyone knew she considered herself ‘taken’. How wrong she was. “And I’m not sure I even want to. I love him, Dixie.”

“I know you do.” She’d seen how Jenna looked at Logan. She’d also seen how Logan looked at Jenna when he thought no one was aware. “Hmmmm,” she murmured to herself. Maybe all he needed was a push.

Applying a little make-up, Jenna tried to make the dark circles under her eyes disappear. When she was through, she made a face at herself. “I need an idea.”

And then they heard it.

The deejay on the radio was announcing a special night at Luckenbach. “Listen up, ladies. Have we got a proposition for you! Ladies night. Half-price drinks and a bachelorette auction. Want to find yourself a perfect date? Well put your red dress on, wear your hi-heel sneakers or your cowboy boots and come out to raise money for charity. Don’t be shy. The first fifteen women who show up at the saloon and meet our – uh – criteria, will be signed up for an evening you’ll never forget!”

“That’s it, Jenna. Let’s do it!” She got a wild look in her eye that scared Jenna a little bit. “Go out and have a good time, kick up our heels and shake our booty.” Dixie got up and did a little dance number in the middle of the bathroom.

Jenna laughed a bit, knowing her friend was doing her best to cheer her up. “What kind of criteria do you think he means?”

Dixie waved her hand. “I don’t know, cup size maybe,” she laughed. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we qualify.” Her mind was spinning. This was just what the situation called for. “We need to get down there and sign up.” After they were selected, she’d start spreading the word – right where one particular Fire Chief would find out that his little charge was spreading her wings to learn how to fly.